Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
DEar Affliction,
I’m so sorry to hear your story, but at the same time, joyful that you are out of that situation and are taking care of yourself.
Your words to Charity have the authentic sound of reason and experience. I am also so glad that your NIGHTMARE MONSTER-BEAST is in prison and I hope he serves every day of the 14 years. At least that will give you time to heal and get your feet back under you and take care of your children in the meantime and get your life back together in safety.
I am so glad that you had victim advocates with the police department–they are so needed.
You are very welcome here and your good advice to Charity and to others as well that need to hear from someone who has been at the BOTTOM of this pit and has come back to testify that there is life after the psychopath. God bless you, you are a strong woman. ((((hugs))))
Affliction, what a horrible experience you had. But your story sums up the fact that they have a fake charisma which appears to make you feel like the most special woman. They raise you up before they bring you down and down and down -I could see through my exN fakeness, he was telling me stuff about how wonderful I was, then he would turn his phone off when I rang. Forget words, words evaporate. it is action that matters, but consistent action over a long period of time, which they cant keep up. Remember they have a short fuse and dont do consistency.
Chastity:
I cannot recommend this course of action, but I have heard that some women list the biological father’s name as “unknown” on a child’s birth certificate to protect the child from the father. Of course, paternity could be proven later through DNA tests if you or he needed/wanted to.
If he has a job and you want child support this may not be a good idea. You have received good advice regarding shelters; I would also recommend you contact your local bar association and set up a 1/2 an hour consultation with an attorney for about $35 to discuss your rights and potential ways to protect yourself and your children. I would be sure to mention to the attorney his threats to take your daughter.
Affliction:
You have been through so much, and yet you felt this: “The guilt (I have been working thru in therapy) was so huge. I felt like I betrayed him!”
Not to speak for everyone, but I think we understand that. Know I do. Feel it too from time to time, now that I made the conscious decision to accept reality and share that reality with others we both knew.
This is a by-product of you being a wonderful person at heart, not wanting to hurt people even if they hurt you. He banks on that.
You are wonderful, making your first post and having it be to help Chastity. All of the people on here who have been through this share a strange kinship – we wish we didn’t have the experience, but reading here convinces me that we’re all better people for having been through it.
Stick around. Seems like every day there’s someone new and you have much to share.
Wow, thank you all for the kind words… and ((hugs)) they are appreciatted.
The funny thing is I found this site looking for information about sociopaths, because I am always trying to makesure that I did the right thing. Lilorphan, thank you… the guilt is the MOST DIFFICULT. How do we get rid of guilt? I do not know that we can,(I could be wrong) I just remind myself that everyday I need to stay in the “present” and try to let it go… Every story from everyone on here has several things I can relate to. That helps me to know that I am not alone,(not that I would wish this on anyone) and I am beginning to feel stronger everyday. Exercise helps, even if you are to the point that I was… I laid on the sofa crying, I cried while I brushed my teeth, could’nt maintain an hour without crying.I do not look for relationships, I know that I am so “broken” that I do not want to drag anyone else down with this weight. I do feel that I will never trust anyone again… But making myself stronger and better is the best revenge.
(Not to mention that I did file a civil suit as well)
I felt that by me sitting there crying in the courtroom that he knew how much he had broken me… That no matter what is going on inside the prison in my own head, i wanted him to know that I am stronger than him and he could’nt break me. I guess I got mad. My PRIDE there was still some left. The purpose of the civil suit was not greed or even really revenge. Since he will never sincerly look at me and say “I’m sorry” knowing that while he is in prison making license plates with his blood ,sweat and tears. I will feel that much better knowing out of his $60.00 a month- $40.00 of it will be coming to me. I have already made plans for 1/2 of anything he has to give to me goes to my local Women’s Crisis Center. In his lifetime I know that I am not the only woman he has hurt, lets help them all.
Once again thank you for the kind comments…
Dear Affliction,
Good for you! Most people who are not acquainted withh the prison systems (my son is iin prison) commissary money to purchase personal items from an asprin to a fan to keep cooler in the summer time (most are not air conditioned) is very important to “living well” on the inside.
Some prisoners are allowed to work and make a few cents or a dollar a day, which is very important to their comfort, if they don’t have family on the outside to send in money.
It might also be that any money that is sent in from outside and “becomes his” would also be applied to the “debt” he will owe you from the suit, so that all he can keep is the $20 a month—in most prisons you need a minimum of $100 a month to have bare minimumm existence.
So, it isn’t about a few dollars that you will collect, it is about how much that money (or lack of it) will mean to the quality of his living situation. LOL ROTFL I also think that it is very appropriate and very generous that you will be giving this to the crisis center–blood and sweat and tears from the psychopath, and his own discomfort giving some comfort to other victims.
Affliction–you are a strong woman! You have no reason in the world to feel guilty for “betraying” this monster! I know, it is a feeling, not logical–and I’ve been there too, feeling guilty that I “abandoned” my P-son—but you know what, my son put himself in prison, I didn’t. Your X put himself there as well. It is where they DESERVE TO BE, why should WE their victims feel the least bit guilty in seeing JUSTICE SERVED! I’m over the guilty feeling–and you will be too, my dear! Give it time.
God says “vengence is Mine” but JUSTICE is sometimes ours, and there is nothing in this world to feel gulity about wanting justice. Besides, think of how many people you are SAVING by seeing that he gets JUSTICE—WHAT HE SO RICHLY DESERVES. Who knows, you may be saving some woman’s life. God continue to bless you, my dear! You are an amazing woman!!! Right ON!
OxDrover-
Wow, thank you so much!!! I mean that… its when I hear (or read) some thing like that it does make me feel better.
I can only say that the Victim’s Addvocate that was given to me thru this whole trial with CRAZY was a god send… she really gave me alot of information on my rights. I truly had a wonderful group of people that worked on this case in the Da’s office… the deputy district attorney that worked on this case was awesome… I would not have made it thru without them. They really took something that was so personal to me and handled it with the most professionalism and respect for me. I think anyone who is in our situations has to know that they have rights. The right to not be humiliated,degraded or beaten. If anyone reading this or if you know someone in a similar situation please tell them to get in touch with their local women’s crisis center or the victims advocate office. They are a wealth of information and are truly there to help. I mean it thank you for all the wonderful thoughts and kind words.
Affliction, you are a poster-child for domestic abuse, survival and healing! I imagine that there are still things that you probably have to work on for a while, but your positive outlook, and the fact that you did get help, you DID get the SOB put in prison is a wonderful thing to behold. So many of us do NOT get “justice” or even “closure” or get the feeling that in any way we have defended ourselves, but rather that “he got away with it” and is sitting some where with joyful glee in his face, enjoying the pain he has inflicted upon us as we sit cowering in a corner, bereft of all dignity and self esteem.
You have no idea how it makes my heart sing to hear a positive post from someone who has come out of SO much and is surviving and moving on toward a healing place. You are a wonderful example to other women, and I am so glad that you are able to share this with us. I hope you will hang around this site for a long time and pass those wonderful insights on to others that are hurting as much as you were when this whole thing “blew up.” God bless you for your courage and strength and continue to guide you along your path of healing and to joy and peace. ((((hugs)))))
I’m reading how these P’s get into families and do what they do. I am not quite sure how but I managed to keep him out. My maternal instincts saved me. But I have to say I don’t know how long I would have lasted if he pushed. And it was coming. There were a lot of circumstances behind me keeping him from the kids. But I am so grateful now. There were nights when I almost had regret about it. Maybe he would have been different. No maybe I can use that as the first instinct I can trust again. Because my foundation in my reality was blown to smitherines. I had no contact for over 4 months and the first thing he said to me when I did see him was he was dating someone who constantly lied to her kids. Notice how he points out someone else’s immoral behavior. And I like how I saw the bait w/out biting. See, if I had only sacraficed my kids then this wonderful flesh eating, soul snacking, parasite would love me and then all would be right with the world. WOW didn’t know I had that in me. I feel bad for the other woman now– after I can see clearly. I did go through a time of oh nooo she’s going to get what I didn’t and I’m the loser. I think not and she is in my prayers.
ML Gallagher said exactly what happenned to me with the cop… And so many of the following comments describe the same thing… It makes it so much easier to see when it has happenned to so many others in eerily identical ways. And that means I don’t take it so personally… I thought he was genuine because he lied and lied and lied again, and then when I found out differently, I was already hooked on the lie and the dream and the hope of who he had the potential to be in my life…