Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Stunned: I’ve never questioned my own sanity. I do however, question theres.
I know in my heart of hearts that I don’t lie, not even to give someone a badly needed compliment. I will however, dig up a truth I know about them, that will lift their spirits.
What totally amazes me about all that we blog about regarding our EXs is … how many of these fools are in positions of power that oversee our lives and does this new team in Washington know they have to start weeding them out? And Quickly PLEASE!
Back to your situation … any time your EX should pop into your mind … the easiest thing for me to do was paying attention to my breathing. Pay attention to inhaling and then exhaling. Inhaling, exhaling. Do this for about 5 minutes as you think of nothing else but your breathing. This technique takes you in the “now” were there is no pain. Just peace, love and harmony.
I keep remembering what my parents told me about people who lied. Saying “lies are told by insecure people”.
Mmmmhhhhhhhhhh.
Wini (and stunned),
I also learned a very useful breathing technique for dealing with anger. Whenever you are angry and can’t let go of it, you breathe into your heart for a count of 5, breathing in gratitude for something in your life. Then breathe out slowly for a count of 5. Repeat. It is amazingly effective.
P.S. Did anyone catch the google ad at the top of the page for expunging your criminal record? Oh the irony. LOL
Wini,
I honestly don’t think sociopaths lie out of insecurity. Insecurity is fear-based, and sociopaths do not have social fears or anxieties. That’s what makes them so charming and confident. I think they lie in order to exploit others. Same behavior, different motives. Just my opinion.
StarG: What you write about them lying to exploit people is true … but, was it that way at the beginning of their lying … at a very young age? (e.g. Lying to a parent … to prevent a reprimand). Yes, it turned into exploitive activity … but, I don’t think they understood the ramifications during the initial lie. I think the initial lie was fear of saving their butts.
I think after learning (trial and error) that their lies could go undetected … did they continue on this path of unrighteous behavior. Smugly thinking … why not? I get my own way and no one is the wiser. I win.
Peace.
LOL Back to the debate about which came first, the person or the disorder? I honestly believe they are born with something missing that would make them human. I feel the sociopathic behaviors, even at an early age, are not fear based, but more just to manipulate others to get their way. Fear of getting caught? I wouldn’t call it a fear. I’d call it more of a desire to win. I know you see it differently. In the end, none of us can ever really know what goes on in their humanoid brains.
StarG. I know, no one actually knows. I keep remembering my middle sister and how evil she could be towards me as a child … up to this day. If you ask her for help, she’d give you the shirt off her back … yet, she has this weird accumulation of points for everything she does. I did this for you, 10 points … you didn’t reciprocate … -10 points.
Who keeps score? Besides, where’s the score board … I can wrack up numerous points for things I’ve done for her and never thought about it, never mind mention it to her?
I can go back through my childhood with her and know I didn’t do anything to cause her jealousy … only that I was born after her. That doomed me forever (LOL).
Are you getting my drift? They are so focused on some imaginary infliction which ends up clouding their minds from seeing the good in life. Myopic thinking/seeing/hearing on their part because they are focused on revenge. Yeah, shoot me because I was born (LOL).
Peace.
stunned: I am sure you are sane! The P I was seeing would yell at me “Don’t you hear yourself? How can you say that? How can you say it didn’t happen? You should look in the mirror. If you can say that it scares me. What’s wrong with you?” etc etc… and I have never had anyone talk to me like that except this nut case. It would really make my head spin, and I wasn’t even seeing him all that long, where does he get the nerve to talk to me like that? It did make me feel crazy, so I can understand you feeling those triggers that make you doubt yourself because your relationship was a lot longer, but really, we’re the sane ones. Do they all do this? Maybe I should act a little crazy! If he calls or comes over here I should just act like a crazy bitch… instead of a meek doormat.
SC2 & Stunned: You can make yourself go crazy by trying to justify and adapt to the behaviors of a crazy person.
Of all the mental disorders, sociopathy and narcissism are the two most destructive to all those around the disordered person.
As long as we are trying, in some fashion, to relate to them . . . we are “committing” ourselves to the insane asylum that they rule. They are nuts.
As fast as you think that you can outmaneuver them — you are playing into their craziness. They are NUTS!!! And the sneaky, horrible, destructive truth is that they can fake “sane” better than we can.
Don’t get into that game. This is what NC is about.
Reclaim yourself. Cut the crazies out of your life. Quit questioning your wonderful, sane, heartfelt self, and cut the SOB loose!
Rune: Great post Rune, great post.
May I add, those of us who can love, are the sane ones in the world.
Peace.