Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
I think the hardest thing for me was to admit that all the love was a lie. He was so good at making me and everyone I know believe he loved me. Very open with his “feelings” in front of anyone. I saw signs, but they were with his “past” relationships…little did I know, he was still involved. The worst part is….he will never know or care about how he damages others. I feel bad for all involved with him.
I’m in the same boat as all of you… and I find some comfort knowing that I’m not the only one. As I read your comments and all I realized that he is a sociopath. I’m trying to get over him. It is so hard not contacting him at all. I feel like I am the crazy one. He would lie to me all the time, and I would make excuses, he would break dates a lot… make me feel special… it is unbelievable I feel like I’ve been taking for a ride in the crazy mobile. I wish I knew how to stop thinking about him and the situation… that is what I am struggling with most and the fact that he dropped the bomb that he is now in a relationship with someone else. I know I am better off, but I still feel this addiction to him. Perhaps one of these days I will be brave enough to share my story. I didn’t at least lose anything financially, but he did try to manipulate me to take something very sacred to me for which there is no monetary value, and it is something you can’t get back once you give it.
Cherie and Lady Loralie,
Welcome to Lovefraud, although sorry you had to find us. We understand what you’re experiencing. It is truly difficult to accept that all those sweet nothings really were ” nothing.
Loralie, they do affect our brains in much the same was as an addiction. That’s why we have to cut them out of our lives cold turkey, and then get through one day at a time until the addiction wears off. You might want to look at a recent article by Dr. Liane Leedom:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/12/20/better-choices-in-2010/
Wishing EVERYONE AT LF a very happy, healthy, sociopath free 2010.
Henry, I caught up on some of your crazy-x happenings around December 20th…Towando to you for finding the strength and courage to stand your ground and not let him back in on any level…
I remember we were on the same time frame of NC with our “x-S”. Although I have moved on, busy with taking care of my son and raising two teenage daughters I still get the dreaded pangs or moments of why or what if…etc… and I find myself almost monthly returning to LF to get re-grounded and re-directed. I think to myself I may always need to do that…and its ok…whatever it takes to stay on course! DO IT!!!
He contacted me end of November when his grandfather passed away. After a few text exchanges I asked hows life… the answers were oh so familiar…. still looking for work…doing odds and end jobs…had to cancel car insurance…blah blah blah and then the kicker “but dont worry about me, tis the season for cheer” oh and by the way “do you have any connections to getting tickets to a sports event”…
I couldnt believe my eyes…there it was… HE NEEDED SOMETHING and remembered my families connection. I immediately said I am not interested in any further conversation with him to which he replied “so no tickets?”
After much thought I have decided that he has no clue what the word/term “Friendship” means ON ANY LEVEL. He lives his life “collecting” people as “connections”. Everyone in his life is merely a “connection” to help him survive, live life. If you are romantically linked to him, you are his “connection” to sex…if he is temporarily employed by you, you are his “connection” to money as well as most of his “bosses” take him under their wing and invite him to events outside of work. If you are introduced to him via a mutual person – you are now his ticket to ride to parties, social functions. If you are a relative you are expected to do endless favors for him and help him out in any way.
I remember being in his apartment and everything I admired was either “given to him” by an x or acquired because someone he knew was moving!! And the thing that struck me most was the people he would refer to as his friends were people who were paying him to do odds/ends favors.
Here I was (back when) and even as recently as November thinking a “friendship” might be doable…when the truth is there is no such comprehension of reciprocation, or true friendliness — its a one sided show – what can you, and you, oh and you over there….what can YOU DO FOR ME? Because a Socipoath lives to survive off others doings, kindness, friendliness (which is also weakness when we do that even though it feels wrong)
I have never asked a friend for much of anything. Im sure at times its ok to do, but pretty much my friendships are just comprised of spending time together, talking together, doing things together. With a “S” its like nothing you’ll ever experience – the entire ride – its the healthy person being healthy (kind, caring, giving) and its the “S” being unhealthy (greedy, selfish, cold, cruel)
In the end – Ive come to see it as a chosen way of life for him – aspire to do very little, be unmotivated, use the poor me card, wait for all the suckers to extend a helping hand…a connection… an invite…a small token by way of gift or financial help…and in return he can offer to do some kind of handy work or hone in on whatever he thinks might enable him to stick around longer in that “connections” life… he doesnt have friends/friendships. But he has hundreds of people in his address book which he refers to as friends.
I could never understand or relate to his way of being. But now I think I understand that his way of being is to simply exist off others. If they feel sorry for him and are nice to him they can stick around in his life until they catch on – then they are dumped and replaced. Its a vicious cycle, exhausting and probably incredibly lonely- despite having all those contacts/connections in his address book – he has no REAL friends.
HE chose to live his life this way. So I do not feel sorry for him. And in fact, I want nothing to do with him because his way of being is very motive-minded, cold and calculating – sugarcoated with big blue warm eyes and a beautiful smile.
My point is – let these people go!!!! Open the door and toss down the red carpet for them to WALK ON! When you truly get the fact that they dont really care, and never did or will – FOR ANYONE – you really do see the light at the end of the tunnel. Save your love and friendship for healthy reciprocal relationships. THEY EXIST!!! There is life after a “S”. We arent going to find it by going back to them or staying stuck in the memory of “what if” or the few and in between moments when the “S” was on his “learned good behavior” —
Want better for yourself in 2010. Let them have what they strive for in life “very little motivation and a whole lot of using and abusing others” – as long as you are not a part of that way of life – you have a chance to regain your self-worth and value and live life to the fullest with the ones in the world who are more like you – and enjoy treating you with respect, goodness friendliness and love – CONSISTENTLY.
Work towards letting go…its doable and its achievable … one step…one day…one year… at a time! There IS life again after an S! But you have to make it happen!! Happy New Year…stay on the road to recovery…its the best road ever in the long run! xoxo LTL
Hi guys….
Just came from court!
HA…..filed a writ of execution and garnishment…..against SOC #2. (business relationship)
GOT THE COMPUTER Seized FROM THE REPAIR SHOP!!!! It’s now in the sheriffs hands.
I Attached the bank account and am going after the bail money!
YES……we can succeed if we are tenacious and want to show them….DON”T FUCK WITH ME!
The computer is worth $50 off his debt…..do ya think it’s worth more in hassle to him? I already have one of his computers…..then he bought this one……set it all up…..and BAM….I pulled the Lagossi on him…..
Guess the kids have a laptop now!
PAY ME ASS HOLE!
I’m going to nickle and dime this judgement as far as I need to, and NOT STOP until it’s satisfied!!!! He can threaten me all he wants! PAY ME!
I made that VERY clear in court, in mediation and continue….
There is good reason to believe he’s hacked into my email….and today…..THE COURT’s email…..
Is this illegal? WTF? ya think???? The court has turned it over to investigations….I beleive this could be a FELONY?????
Gee…..let’s go to the casino and place bets on what he will end up in prison for…..
I went into an Internet cafe this am, after I left court…..SOC #2 had Just left…..heading for the computer shop I presume…..but the sheriff got there before him…….the cafe clerk said they banned him from cafe/computers due to viruses etc….and he said…..well I can hack right into your administration….I’ve already done it.
He was talking so much shit about me, and saying he was gathering ‘evidence’ for court and he printed out some docs…..they looked at what he had done…..and all he did was print out our emails…..including the one where he threatened me with some ho dunk attorney that ended up responding to his CC and me…..saying….Gentlemen….I have no involvelment nor know nothing about this situation. I wish no further email communications with you. HA!!
The people in cafe were laughing so hard when they read this….
He comes across so official…..and he’s such an idiot!
I swear….when pressed….they get dumber and dumber….
Got more things up my sleeve……and I ain’t stopping until I get my money……
Really would of been cheaper for him to just pay me the damn money!
🙂
Thank you learned the lesson….. great post!
Well done EB…Your S clearly messed withthe wrong person!
EB!!!
i could use a car; does he have a car? SNORT!
I am feeling really really empowered at the moment!!!!
I have to mind to keep a balance…..but counter controlling a Cluster B is very rewarding…..and doing it within my rights and legal grounds.
I just get a kick out of picturing him showing up at the shop to pick up his ‘garb’ and the look on his face when he is told it was ‘garnished’…..seized…..and no longer there OR his!!!
Like…..how in the hell did she know it was there……duhhh…..I guess he isn’t accustomed to living in a small town. People talk jerk!
AND he can’t even run…..SOC #3 is facing felony car theft charges……and is due to be arraigned at end of month…..so they might be thinking they are getting back the bail money…..NOT……It’s mine also!!! HA!!!
If she runs…..they’ll always be on the run….worse than they have thus far…..
THIS IS PRICELESS…..how they think they can just con everyone and anyone and get away with it……and ONE DAY…..they meet someone who is aware of the cons and willing to brick wall them.
I know they don’t like it much…..BUT EITHER DO I!!!!!
So ya shouldn’t have conned ME!
I get the same feeling right now as I did with the ex……and having gone through the con, lost money…..and now standing up for myself……seizing assets!
I AM SO DAMN PROUD OF ME!!!!
This is what catapults me…..being underestimated……into action!
Oh yeah…..One……
He only has stolen cars……so we won’t go there my dear!
Congrats EB!! You deserve to feel proud 🙂