Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Dear EB,
I have a good friend you remind me of, she is soooj good with the legal part of things and doesn’/t have to hire an attorney and COLLECTS on the garnishments and such and she doesn’t get emotionally involved in it, she’s a hoot!
I’m afraid I can’t have your sense of detachment, but I’m glad YOU DO! GOOD FOR YOU! You go girl! (((hugs))
TOWANDA!!!!!
Learnthelesson,
It is so good to hear from you! I think about you often 🙂 I hope your son is doing well. You always had so much to offer and I hope you will come back and share with us from time to time.
Great post.
Maybe it was the ‘detachment’ I went through with the ex S….
For years….cuz I knew it was coming….
Then the actual brutal way it ended I HAD to detach. Ya know.
I’ve always been an ‘educated mind’…..If I do something, I like to know it inside and out…..how I could go wrong…etc…
I’t s all part of having a plan B, or C if needed.
So I delved into learning about the legal side of divorce….then I met Soc 2 & 3….THE NIGHT MY DIVORCE WAS FINALIZED!!!!
HEEELLLLOOOOOO……did he see raw bait…..
I may have been taken, but I’m taking back!
I still laugh with my GF’s…..about when the ex S said to a judge….way back in the beginning…..”SHE CAN MAKE ANYONE DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS”.
Refering to the police report when he broke youngests finger and kicked in the door.
The judge responded to him, saying I can’t get the police to do what I want, so I’m sure your wife doesn’t have any special powers…….
He repeated….”YES, SHE REALLY CAN GET ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS”.
I really do feel that we can do this…..I am no one special (aside from my ‘special powers’), no education (formal), no special talents…..just someone who wont’ give up….someone who fights for what’s right….
And has had every reason to fight the fight.
One day, I hope to have a ‘boring’ life….no drama, no legal shit….
I had never been to court before the S experience…..now look at me….everyone in the clerks office and the bailifs know me by first name….even on the phone! THEY CALL ME WITH INFO!!!
(That cracks me up)….my ‘special powers’ at work I guess. ???
I think now….I have ‘detached’ from the emotional worry of being harmed…..
Bring it on…..but ya better have a bigger gun, a meaner dog and way more smarts to do it!!!
(ooh EB…calm the ego….)
I hope I offer some here some sign that we can do this….I want you to know that we can!!!!!
I say…..don’t spend the time worrying…..spend it educating and learning your legal rights and fighting for them!!!
Thanks guys…..I so appreciate all your comments!
XXOO
EB
Hi learnthelesson – It is nice to read your post and thank you so much for your interest and concern of my recent episode of the visit from him after 2 years. Funny how many days I would look for him, having hope he would return with a miracle of some kind. Then out of the blue there he was. But it was obvious he was here to intimadate and push my boundaries. I didnt get a good look but enuff to see that threating demeanor. So I avoided contact. Didnt want to confront him or be forced to converse or look in his eyes. It was an end for me. I cant believe your x was so calous about the tickets, I am sure you had a similar reaction to his resurfacing. But the pain is gone. I still have contempt for him. I hope he got the message I will not let him in my space. I think you and I have come so far and I am so happy for us that we have overcome to so much and learned this lesson – good to see u here – dont stay away so long – I wish you a happy new year….
…..yup, a meaner dog 🙂 LOL!
ego calmed? it’s still awesome. and so are you.
EB You go gal! You are on a roll! Sometimes we need to call on our inner spath! Fight fire with fire! Even jesus was angry! He whipped the money changers from the temple. We are fed so many conflicting messages as kids, and so much crap. Sometimes”gentle Jesus meek and Mild” just doesnt cut it!
If id have turned the other cheek when my ex beat me unconscious Id probably be dead by now. Sometimes we have to stand up and FIGHT for our very lives!The bible is full of stories of warriors and righteous fighters.Look at Judith! She got the giant, Holofernes, dead drunk, and then she cut off his head with a sword!! Way to go gal!!Lets call on our inner Judith!! TOWANDA people! And a spath free New Year to you all!!!.Gem.XXAs you may tell, Im in a happy, but fighting mode. I think Im winning! No more Mr Nice Guy!!No morecrap!
No more lies! No more Sh–t!!
And you know what? I feel lighter, both physically, emotionally and mentally.Roll the stone away, people!
Someone called Ayne Rand wrote a book called,”Atlas Shrugged”. Good title! {Atlas was the greek god depicted as carrying the world on his back}And this should be us. We DONT have to carry the weight of the world on our poor thin shoulders. Hey, guess what” If we move away, the world will spin on its axis all by itself!Let go and let God! This process is exactly like learning to drive a car, or ride a bike. We suddenly GET IT! We may crash the car a few times, or fall off that bike, but if we get back in the saddle again,sooner or later,we do GET IT!
Halleluyah!!Love, Gem.XX
Dear Gem,
It REALLY DOES FEEL LIGHTER when we resolve some of these things, it actually feels as if a PHYSICAL WEIGHT has been lifed off our shoulders and we do feel lighter–stronger.
I’m so glad things are going well again for you and you are still getting better.
My GUESS is (I’m not a psychic) that you had still been feeling some need for “closure” and thinking down DEEP in yhour soul that your daughter would “apologize” and that would make things better, give you closure some how, but now you realize that her saying the “magic words” of “I’m sorry, mum” would have just been another LIE and would have been totally empty and valueless in the end.
Gem, darling, for so long I had a “hope” for my P-son, but I realize it was a MALIGNANT HOPE (Sam Vaknin’s words, but true none the less) it was like a cancer and until I removed it I could only get worse as it was like a cancer eating at my soul. Unfortunately the only way to get rid of it is to cut it out, no anesthesia and only a rusty dull knife and do it yourself, but it WILL lift the weight of the WORLD off your shoulders.
Sure, Jesus got ANGRY and ACTED to fix the problem. There is nothing “sinful” about JUSTIFIED ANGER, it prompts us to ACTION. Of course we can’t let anger rule our lives forever so we take action if its possible and then we resolve that anger and move on.
Personally I’d like to make a “whip of cords” and go to Congress and “over turn the tables” and “throw out the money-changers” LOL but unfortunately, I’d get arrested in these days and times because I don’t have Jesus’ ability to “disappear out of their midst” LOL
You had every right to be justifiably angry at your daughter for trashing your studio and laughing about it on FB with her friend, but HOW LONG AGO HAS THAT BEEN? How long have you nursed that anger at her wanting an “apology” that was never coming–holding on to the anger. Believe me Gem, I have nursed anger at my sperm donor, for decades….knowing I would never get an apology or anything else, yet holding on to the anger. Once I finally let it go, like you said, it was like “Atlas Shrugged” and I was Atlas and the weight of the world fell from my back.
Dear dear Gem, I am so happy for you, so relieved, you and I both really have so much to be THANKFUL for, and our lives with our children didn’t turn out like we had imagined or like we we wanted, but some things are just out of our control and giving up that cancerous tumor of “hope” for something that isn’t possible, that is fantasy, will let us WALK UPRIGHT again. I am sooo happy for you my dear! (((hugs)))
Dear Witsend – Your journey has to be up there as one of the most challenging– with no concrete answers for your son and him bordering on being in and out of your home/life. My thoughts and prayers have never left you, as well as so many at LF that have helped me or enlightened me and so many who courageously fight the battle of finding a new and better life for themselves after becoming involved in a dysfunctional relationship. As you have always expressed, having a child with such incredible challenges is one of the most distressing happenings in a mothers life. I commend you on your continued strength and ability to stay focused and deliver the toughest love of all. I was relieved to read that your son was living with another family simply because of it hopefully being less stressful for you on a moment to moment basis…but then I read that you were not in favor of this transition of his…but something had to give…and I cant help but think the scenarios couldve been so much worse. You still have a long road ahead of you…but you are placing the boundaries and setting the standards that you will NOT be manipulated any longer. I realize theres not much that can be said to alleviate all the distress involved in your situation – except you have done and continue to do the best you can as a woman and a mom — thats all we can ever do 🙂 xoxo
Henry – yes we have come A LONG WAY…I really havent ever left LF…its my favorite place to return to …now mostly to read and learn or feel semi-normal after having my (or allowing my) world to be turned upside down! I found that the more reading and less writing that I did (after posting for nearly a year) – I was able to absorb more and learn more 🙂 plus I started living in the present a bit more and less and less in the past and wanted to embrace that as much as possible.
Its a real shocker to our system to meet and be in a relationship with a S!!!! Someone so totally different than anything/any other way youve ever known in your entire life. Some WAY MORE DANGEROUS than others — but in the end — with strength and commitment to YOURSELF — and a willingness to understand that it ultimately is within your power to say — NO MORE LIVING THIS WAY!!! Making positive changes and regaining your sense of self and loss of fear of the unknown — you really do emerge a much wiser person and so much more of a beautiful soul for taking the chance to let go and move on! They are the ones who never learn and grow and forever remain dark souls. Life is all about learning and growing and letting go and moving on when you are surrounded by darkness and hopelessness — I encourage everyone to find the inner strength and curiosity to see whats ahead once you choose to let go of a bad person/bad influence/bad relationship. For every bad one, there are several good and more positive others you can learn and grow with. You just have to be ready. We all do eventually get there…life has a way of letting us or making us 🙂 and LF has a way of helping us, encouraging us to do so….as well as understanding when we feel stuck or need to take more time to sort it all out.
Just the fact that any one of is here at LF…means we are all on the right track…from hurting and healing to learning and growing. It becomes more and more clear that the bad person in your life not only no longer deserves precious space in your life…but that you are the only one who controls that choice and we ALL deserve the choice of living with healthier relationships and creating them with other like-minded people! Open your hearts to yourself and healing yourself, learning more about yourself — NOT THE BAD ONES IN THE WORLD! You deserve it – they dont!
Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and thoughts and raw emotions and truthes. LF is a very special place and I continue to learn so much everytime I visit or need re-direction! xoxo LTL
I need to be hit with something very hard repeatedly over and over again. I have to laugh when I reveal this, so here goes-
I was thinking back to my second date with my s’path when we really talked about everything-all our history, what we wanted, if we should be together, etc. and here’s the funny thing-BOUNDARIES! And, here’s what I told him—LYING AND DISHONESTY ARE COMPLETE DEAL-BREAKERS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!