Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Silver:
Reflective!
Beautiful……embrace today!!!
i am feeling absolutely ….what? not just bloody minded, but that is there. numbed. out of my mind (as in, with dulled awareness). like there is a thick mucus around me – ouuu, i get it – i am not yet born. have been in this state for about 29 hours. it’s pretty odd.
i just wrote a message to a woman i had been freinds with. and reconnected with in the last bit. i ‘had’ been friends, but she has busy-ness like a disease. she worte me back like she didn’t read my message. in the past i would have handled it diff than i just did.
i told her i felt like she didn’t read my message. wished her the best and said, i am going away now.
i truly don’t need that in my life. i like much of her, but i don’t have the desire to even try to muster the tolerance to deal with someone with that disease. as i was reading her message to me, i felt really angry. i don’t usually feel that kind of anger – it felt pretty ‘wild’ and extremely reactive…but ya know i think it gave me great advice.
Silver, I read the Tarot too.
Are you familiar with the card of the fool? It is the first card of the major arcana and isn’t even numbered as one. Instead it is zero. On the card is imaged a youth, full of curiosity and wunderlust…he has his head in the clouds, a knap-sack over his shoulder, and a really annoying little dog at his feet…this little dog symbolizes his intuition, or, as we like to say here, our gut instincts.
The fool is not a fool, however. The fool is just on his path and seeking growth. He is a baby, he is innoscent, he lacks experience, but he has his own charm, and a beautiful innoscent wisdom. He does not harbor resentment. He does not live in fear…he is protected by his ignorance. He stands on a precipace and is oblivious to the danger…somehow or another he always prevails…he is always on the brink of something…..
I have always thought that Forest Gump was the perfect personification of the fool. Simple but wise beyond his years…everything he touched was a grand success, though his motives were pure and simple. Not sure where I’m going with this….I just think we are blessed. All of us, and you will sprout wings and fly.
silver????
Kim,
The tarot tell the story of the fool’s journey through life and all its mysteries. That’s why it is the first card.
Love that stuff.
May the star be your card today:)
K-
this one is fun….www.newagestore.com lots of playthings for people who enjoy the sort of thing….
I am going through a similar situation and never knew there was a diagnosis or description of this kind of behavior. She has a history of this sort of thing in her family, and she told me stories about certain things, but it never dawned on me that this kind of thing was potentially hereditary and could be passed down.
I have been going through this for far too long. I was sucked in, hook, line and sinker. I looked at the “victim” list of traits a sociopath searches for and I am just about all of those. Not to mention the traits of the sociopath and behavior traits, which she is just about all of, herself. It is painful to hear her continue on and put me down the way she does, and in the beginning, I just thought it was something I was doing wrong. Despite the fact that I have my own faults and I have some part in this relationship, it’s undeniable that this is never going to end. She punishes me with disconnect and not intimacy, and she speaks negative to me and challenges me in front of the kids, and they are now severely affected. I never saw this coming, and now I’m in the fight for my life to stay sane and make something of the rest of my life. I’m glad I”m not alone.
There are many of us here who now understand what we didn’t know we didn’t know and while we are all sorry to learn of your experience, welcome you to an ongoing and vibrant support community.
The best beginnings are here to read, read, read and learn all you can about the issues you are dealing with and how others have learned to deal with them too.
I can’t recommend Kathleen Hawk wonderful articles about the healing process we go through enough.
You aren’t alone.
We’ll be right here…
To anyone who has some anwsers, please help. I have been trying to get this guy out of the house to no avail. I got back from my walk and he confronted me about our daughter. He asked her what was wrong and she said to him, stop lying to mom about looking up pornograpy on the computer. He was mad that I brought her into it.
The thing is, he lied about looking it up but it was there. I asked the kids if they ever had looked it up and they said no. I said it is on two computers, daughter said I think dad did it. I have probably said too much at times to daughter, but he told me to keep the kids out of it. Then he proceeded to lie again about what he looked at on the computer. I have proof, that is admisable in court, about what was looked at. He still lied about it.
The conversation changed drastically, he said that I came back from my walk in a good mood and what happened. That I’m too judgemental. I told him that he didn’t get it, he said yeah, I don’t get why you aren’t listening to me. It is like talking to someone from mars. He twists and turns, blames me, then wants a hug afterwards.
So this last post sounds like ramblings but spathy came into the bedroom because he wanted to make another point. I said I wanted to be alone about 10 times. He has no personal boundaries, none.
Just feeling pretty trapped and depresses. I said I would look for another place to live and file for divorce. I know I shouldn’t have brought it up in anger but I was so mad from the twists and turns. “Maybe I was drunk, it was two years ago” “I never was on your computer”
This may sound like I’m beating a dead horse, but it’s just the constant lying. The blaming and lying.
I’m not perfect and I’m really working on being a better person, why does he always try and make it my fault? I wish I had a tape recorder to record the utter madness. I didn’t want to feel so defeated and sad tonight. This really sucks. Sorry for rambling…