Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
@Hopeforjoy, you don’t have to apologize for rambling, we all ramble!! I’m not up on all the facts, do you both own the house? If you do, why should you move out? Can you talk to an attorney to get him out and proceed with the divorce? Is that what you want to do? Sorry for all the questions, I’m not on here all the time. I am feeling a bit defeated and sad tonight myself, but, like you, I’m going to tough it out!! Everything is going to be OK!! We’ll all work it out together!
Hi Hopeforjoy,
I got nothing to do on this Friday night, so here I am. All I can say is that, if yours is anything like mine was, in his head, it has to be your fault, b/c he can’t accept responsibility. He also won’t correct himself. He’ll never be sorry, no matter how much sense you make, no matter how much proof you have.
There’s nothing you can say to ‘convince’ him to do the right thing . . . and if your spath is anything like mine was, he’ll enjoy watching to try everything you can think of to get through to him, just to do the exact opposite of what you want him to do, so that you’ll get more upset. He’ll enjoy watching you suffer. He’ll always blame you, unless he’s trying to trick you for a few minutes, into doing what he wants.
Proof won’t make a dent on him, because it’s all about what he WANTS to believe. He wants you to be the bad guy, so that he can be the good guy, in his warped little world. If he has to lie to keep up that illusion, he’ll lie. If has to blame, he’ll blame, and if he has to manipulate, he’ll manipulate. He always makes it your ‘fault’ because, in his head, it can’t be his fault. And on top of that, he likes doing bad stuff. You’re his scapegoat, his punching bag, and his entertainment (if yours is like mine was, he will truly enjoy watching you try to make sense of this all, and ending up confused, frustrated and emotionally drained by it, b/c it makes you an easier target for blame and abuse). He probably likes to see you angry, too, because to him, it shows you feel desperation and instability, instead of control and security.
Trying to get him to admit fault, or trying to get him not to blame you is like trying to pin down a shadow. Main thing, try to keep your emotions separated from what he believes or doesn’t believe. the lies he wants to live in belong to him – you can remove yourself emotionally from that, until you get free from him completely.
Anyway, take care, and remember that he wants to cross boundaries, because he likes to assert his power and show you he can do what he wants, ESPECIALLY when you don’t want it. It’s a power trip for him to watch you suffer. At least this is all what I suspect, based on my own experiences.
I had to stop telling mine what I wanted, as if I were ‘asking’ him for it. Getting to a place where you can just make what you want happen, and effectively keep the monster out of your business is the last thing he wants.
Take good care,
Psyche
Hope4joy and Shabbychick, I am sorry your both down tonite. I could give all kinds of advice, but we all know why we are blogging on a website about sociopaths. BIG HUGZ to ya both…
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Naah, I would answer any who asked I fell in love with who he presented to me and he made a fine presentation -eyeball to eyeball. The only problem was that if I blinked, he betrayed and that makes it not possible to love him past the discovery of what is true. No matter how compelling the fantasy was.
There is one objective: Letting go. Letting go of all of it happy,hurt, bewildered.
I took it at face value when he came on and I take it at face value now.
It was not my responsibility to make him be honest, it was mine to react to the truth when I learned that he was not.
It has been mine to actively pursue what is true, what needs done and how to redirect my life.
And I have to say to the world- I was had. And I don’t feel good about it or about how vulnerable I was to what he did.
But I can look at the big picture and realize that he was not the lesson. he was the instrument and for the things I have learned and for what I become I can be grateful to the omnipotent teacher.
Its all about altitude. And sometimes, in a fighter plane you go up with G force and it makes you throw up involuntarily and a whole bunch of other things that don’t feel good until you level out and fly. Above it all.
Pull back the throttle ladies, with hens and Ox and EB and all the support we have from Wing Command here. we’re going up above the level of the SPATh and its going to be bright up there. Hang on. Pull up hard and be.
Its gonna be better and that’s something that is worth the discomfort of getting there.
Silver – I am here.
i’m sticking with this, too:’But I can look at the big picture and realize that he was not the lesson. he was the instrument and for the things I have learned’
Hi Silvermoon What you said about the omnipotent teacher is so true. But you wont find me thanking him and I still have my paintball gun by the door..Silvermoon please tell me what your user name was before you changed it to silvermoon..
Silver – tired. peace out for tonight. try again this weekend.
Hens, Silvermoon is my only name here.
You can’t shoot the real teacher hens. Not if my theory about it all is correct. The ompipotent teacher is also the one that allowed each of us to find the truth before it was too late.
And look what we’ve learned and how far we’ve come and where we would be still if not for having learned from it all.
Yes, it has been hell. And still is. It ain’t all over yet.
But there are moments when it seems like I can see the altitude I’m heading for and somehow, that makes suffering Gforces and rattled bones and mind worthwhile.
As though we come here to file and reconfirm flight plans.
To connect with the tower before heading out into the unknown.
Kinda like that…..
One sorry to miss you.
rest well.
back on Tuesday.
want to talk about remailers and stuff like that.
peace back.