Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Bedazzled!
Hens asked if Silver used to post as another name ……
No….but when she does change her name….it’s gott to be ‘snookie’.
So….snookie and the bedazzled maverick coming your way…..
Bedazzled Maverick….actually, a great name for a race horse.
Snookie- rotflmao!
Newworld:
Wow. I read your post regarding the nicknames. My ex never said my name..I was “honey.” I bet all the ones before me were “honey,” too. I always that that was weird.
I’m doing a lot of reflecting lately and realize that I probably prolonged my grief from not cutting ties completely with my ex. When we met, he wanted to be exclusive right away and only 3 weeks into the relationship told me he loved me. I think we have to look not only at lies, but as what is NOT said..what they keep hidden. This man of 39 years old did not tell me he lives at home with his parents until after he made sure I loved him back. What ensued was him always coming over my place, I never met his parents or sister or niece either. Months went on and I invited him over to meet my dad. He made up an excuse that he wasn’t feeling well. Then I invited him to meet my sister. Another excuse. I started complaining that I wanted more of his time since he was only coming over Sat nights and Sundays. He said he was too busy during the week. He had planned to take me away for my birthday. The week before, he said he was sick, stressed out with work. He texted, “I’m sick and tired of explaining why I’m sick and tired.” Nice. Right on my Bday, he texted, ‘I’m sorry. This won’t work. You’re too nice and attentive and I need too much personal space.” This from a guy who everyday told me he loves me. The very next day, right after my BDay, he went on the online dating site looking for a new woman. What the F?? A few weeks later, he came back but things were never the same. I never trusted getting involved again. I confronted him with the internet stuff. What he posted in his profile was he was looking for someone with light eyes. Mine are brown by the way. I tried talking things out..expressing how my feelings were still the same and how I really wanted to be with him. So, for the next 4 or 5 months, he would come around whenever he felt like it. This just hurt more. In February, we went out and had a great time. I told him I wanted to be more than just friends and that I missed the intimacy and closeness and what we had. He said, “it’s friends or nothing.” Take it or leave it. That’s all I have. “I’m broken.” I said, “What do you mean you’re broken?” No response. We saw eachother on weekends in March. I started feeling close again. Well, a month ago, he did let me know he met someone and he says this is the woman he is going to marry. He said he’s going into the relationship with all guns loaded. He said “I always go in full speed ahead.” Nice. Looks like this is his schtick. Can you believe he had the nerve to ask for his xbox back?? The one he gave me as a gift? Of course I gave it to him and every little scrap of his I could find still laying around. I haven’t been in touch. It’s been a month and I’m doing great. I was still emotionally attached hanging on as “just friends.” Why couldn’t I just walk away when he dumped me on my Birthday?
Dear Iwonder,
Welcome back sweetie! And Don’t “wonder” why you couldn’t just walk away when he dumped you on your BD…the point is that you are not with him NOW!
Dear Silver,
Fighter pilot!!!! Yep, good analogy, and as much as I have flown since I was 16, I still get air sick doing rolls—was in the back seat once when my late husband was doing rolls and pulled his collar back and told him if he did another one, I would use his shirt as a barf bag! He stopped!
Where ever we go, we need to keep our eyes on the goal and the horizon to minimize the “air-sickness” and the G-forces which can keep us from being able to fly where we need to go! It’s a combination of guts and knowing our limits and improving our skills! TOWANDA to us all!
Ox-
Thanks. I came on the site May 08 after the ending of a 2-year relationship with a real Sociopath. This last guy was merely a flesh wound compared to that other one. I’m not sure if the last one was an Sociopath but he was a bit Narcisstic and moved quite fast. He really didn’t take money or my belongings…because I had nothing to give after the Sociopath left me. LOL. At least I ventured out and tried dating again!
Dear Iwonder,
It isn’t, I think, just about “recovering” from the devestation the “first” one(s) did to us, but finding out WHY we allowed it, so that at the FIRST SIGN of any “bad behavior” we can recognize it and RUN—-toxic people, be they full-fledged Ps or not, are much more common than I thought, and I am MUCH LESS TOLERANT OF BAD BEHAVIOR OF ANY KIND. It has taken a LONG TIME for me to even dare risk NEW relationships with any kind of confidence in myself to keep me save.
At least I have WEEDED my garden patch of Old bad relationshps!
Ox
Yes. I know you’re right but I don’t want to be closed-off from letting the good guys into my life and it’s so so difficult to get up the courage to be open to that. I should have heeded the red flags with this one. 2 weeks into the relationship he gave me perfume..when he gave that to me he said, “I bought this when I was in Brazil. I knew I’d meet someone special someday to give it to her.” Yeah, right. Obviously, it was bought for someone else that he never had the opportunity to give it to. Who would just go out and buy womens perfume like that?? Oh yeah, he bought the new chick perfume too already. The other red flag was living at home at 39…he has a good job and there is no reason I can think of for that one other than to pay off student loans…but making $100k a year, that shouldn’t be, right??
Dear Iwonder,
The thing is, I think that while we are still “delicate” and wounded we DON’T heed those red flags, and even if a “good guy” came along we would not be ready for a healthy relationship YET.
We gotta get that “needy” feeling out of our systems, that a man will make us happy. We have to get happy by ourselves then can share that with another happy person.
Living with his family isn’t “bad” at any age, it is the WHY he does it. Is it for maid service from his mom? Lots of bad reasons, and lots of ok ones too. Depends on the relationships and the persons & circumstances.
I am now to the point that I am happy alone, so IF I met someone nice I would give it a whirl in the dating game, but I was NOT ready before. I( was looking for happiness FROM someone else. NO ONE finds happiness outside themselves, not REAL LASTING HAPPINESS. IT IS INTERNAL. (((Hugs))))