Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
oxy, think you should call the drink ‘southern heart’. 😉
Thanks, One!
My living history group has two drinks, one called “apple pie” which is a spiced cider with rum in it, the cinnamon liquor and I SWEAR it tastes like APPLE PIE. I made my own because I love the stuff (back when I could have all the calories I wanted) and I do NOT like getting drunk. The first time I ever drank it about 15 yrs ago I let it sneak up on me and got KNEE WALKING before I realized it. Some friends have an audio tape of me SINGING and I have a copy of it and STILL have not had the back bone and guts to listen to it–in fact I ran across that tape the other day! LOL
We have another one that is called CARROT CAKE and is equal parts of Irish Cream, Butter Shots, and Hot Damn (Icinnimon) and it TASTES EXACTLY LIKE CARROT CAKE, FROSTING AND ALL! It will sneak up on you too, and God alone knows the number of calories so haven’t had any since I started my new “nutritional program” (don’t call it a diet!) Yum, my mouth is watering now that I think about it—oh, well, liquor store is closed today, so I guess it is a good thing. I may go all out and fix myself another drinkie poo tonight—wow! Two drinks in the same month! What am I coming to! LOL
oh lordy Oxy, you have quaffed a lot of sugar in your day!
i thought of you when i ordered the 2nd margarita sans sel. There was A LOT of salt – too much for me these days. I could have gone out and bought some tequila – and although i don’t often drink, i didn’t want to drink at home alone on xmas eve.
last night and today haven’t gone as expected, at all. I was so tired out from work, and the last 2 days had been so brutal, that i spent many hours ‘just staring at the wall’ (in my case that meant watching the first 2 seasons of the TV show Jersey Shore, which seemed innocent enough for a reality tv show (hmmm), but ended being ALL about dysfunction – but it was like a train wreck and i couldn’t stop watching. at least one SPATH boy on it and a girl who was SCARY borderline).
i got really rattled yesterday by my de facto boss – and all day today i have been having flahbacks to this time last year. well suck me dry and call me dusty! what a whirling piece of crap the last 2 years have been – lots to flash on.
so, about 2 hours ago, I got out of bed ( i do about everything in my b.room as my living room hasn’t been usable for over a year due to the on again off again smoke situation), and had a really good scrub, and just stuffed a little pork tenderloin and glazed it with kalamati fig preserves, wine and Dijon and put it in the oven; and am now doing the dishes. tried to call my gram – she moved into a retirement home on the first of the month – but she’s in the dining room. thinking about calling my mom, but that means i have to talk to that fucker who sired me…and there is a LOT of anger coming up about him today. he’s such a miserable piece of shit. i know he’s got nothing on your sperm donor – but he’s still a piece of crap. i feel like blaming him for effing up our family – but she married him….. and you throw in the n sib and it has been a group effort!
and i find it painful to talk to even the sweetest/ best link, my gram. i know you have gotten some ease about your son, but i DO wish my old man dead. and i probably always will (because of what a piece of crap he is to my mom, and because his existence makes it hard for me to have a relationship with her).
ouu, it’s gonna be a hard few days.
and be careful with allowing that second anything; it’s a slippery slope with your butt on fire! LOL
Dear One,
I hear the anger but I also hear that sanity is seeping through the madness….and it is okay to be mad at folks who have brought chaos to your life! DUH!!!!
I made THE BEST chicken-vegetable soup I have ever eaten tonight, just a couple of ounces of left over chicken breast and poured in frozen peas, fresh chopped carrots, and corn, green peppers, onion, and celery and when it was almost done I put in a half cup of rice to soak up the juices some—I ate 4 cups and still had zero fat, zero salt (I did pour in the garlic and spices though, some of everything!) and LOW calorie and it was super good!!!!
Got through a bunch of calls from friends and family, must have been on the phone for 3+ hours and that was nice! Got caught up on all the news! Actually it has been a rather nice day even considering that I lost power in my freeze proof room in the barn for some reason (no lights or plug ins but the well pump still works) so I ended up taking a heater out there and plugging it in and running a cord to the house from the barn. Let D figure it out when he gets home.
His cat is soooo mad at him for being gone that she is even coming to me demanding to be petted (she doesn’t really like me) but I guess “any port in a storm” and me petting if better than NO petting. She slunk around here for several days like she thought I had offed him or something! I wouldn’t let her in his room because if I did she would carp in his bed to get even with him for leaving her. That cat is a psychopathic witch for sure, and she’s all black, so I KNOW SHE IS EVIL! LOL She’s the one I swatted when I heard her jump on the counter and I caught her in mid air with a bamboo back scratcher as she was diving off the counter. I hit a HOME RUN WITH THAT ONE. She pouted for a couple of hours over that one. She’s funny though and keeps us laughing, but she definitely prefers ANY MAN to any woman, especially me! LOL
One, I know that your sperm donor is a jerk, and I can understand you wishing him dead—been there and done that—and sure didn’t grieve when he did die, but you know, you have no control over him in the past or the present or the future. The ONLY control you have is over how you react to him. It took me a long time to realize and to get a grip on the fact that as long as I hated him I was still allowing him to control my life. I was only a kid (19) the last time I saw him, and it was tough for me because I didn’t have anyone to advise me, and I didn’t know what had “hit me.” My egg donor sure didn’t help or support me. I felt that everything that happened was my fault when NONE of it was my fault.
We deserved better than what we got, but we can’t get a “do over” for the past and things are not going to change in the future with them. I’ve worked really hard on ACCEPTANCE of what IS, not being upset about what I WISH IT WAS, but will never be. Last Christmas was probably the toughest one ever, and it was like finally I had lost everything….EVERYTHING…..but now I realize I have not lost anything, except the ILLUSION OF WHAT I THOUGHT I HAD. I realize that my son C though not a psychopath, isn’t the kind of man I wish he was, but I can’t change that. I just know that I can’t associate with him. He’s not going to change, and if he did decide to REALLY THIS TIME CHANGE I wouldn’t be able to trust or believe him because too many times before he has SEEMED to be sincere. Maybe he was, I’m not sure, but the point is that I just have to accept that he is what he is. My egg donor is what she is as well.
I can’t change them, but I can and am changing myself, my reaction to them, and this has actually been a fairly nice Holiday without any drama or pain and this is the first holiday I can remember when there was NO drama or pain, and NO pretense of “we’re a nice normal family.” It is like waking up and realizing I DO NOT HAVE A TOOTH ACHE TODAY. Yipppee!!!!!!
oxy – i am just getting started with the bitter and mad at the fucker who sired me. but i will have to make a decision to let it go…but i need to get good and mad first. i waited my whole life to get to this point and there is a lot of poison that needs to come out of my system…trick is, not to poison myslef in the process. i know i will, have actually, but i WILL get over it.
you said: ‘but now I realize I have not lost anything, except the ILLUSION OF WHAT I THOUGHT I HAD.’ i am still in this stage of acceptance. you know, one of the things that the spath hooked me with was a promise to ‘take care of me.’ she slid right in in that space between my really needing significant help for the first time in my life
and my realizing that my shit sire would never help me. hmmmm…first words out of my mouth to the cognitive dude (who i went to see to try to deal with the spath stuff) were, ‘my father stole my money.’ the spath and the n sire are pretty entwined. ouuu, i feel a revelation coming.
acceptance is THE thing, it is ALWAYS THE THING. And when i am finished tanrtrumming, i am going to get started on it! 😉
Dear One,
“tantrumming” GREAT!!!!! I’ve done my share of that!! LOL That and “pity partying” and whining and sniveling! Yea, can’t leave out sniveling!
Lost electric power in the barn—just the lights (which kept my “freeze proof room” warm)—so had to string cords from the house to put a heater in the room, just checked it, it is 49 with the heater on the lowest setting and it is well below freezing outside. Discovered a small leak under the kitchen sink yesterday too….never fails. As soon as son D gets across the property line going out of state the place starts falling apart! Leak had obviously JUST STARTED. LOL It seems like that sort of stuff keeps cropping up, but you know, One, it really doesn’t make any difference to me. Let it leak. Let the power go out, I’ll take care of it, it is just STUFF happening.
I know it is frustrating in your job to have more than one “boss” and trying to please them all! LOL But you know what, YOU HAVE A JOB! In this economy, that’s a Big +! And frustrating to have your house smoked up by neighbors, but you have a roof over your head! I know it is difficult to focus on draining the swamp when there are alligators eating at your butt and then your sperm donor sets your pants on fire, but work on looking at the positive side of the equation and counting your blessings.
This week here at the house alone has been good for me I think I;ve done a LOT of just ruminating and thinking about things in between cleaning and even as I cleaned. Read an article today about downsizing and how people are getting on the “down-size” band wagon, even to the point of cutting down to 100 items they keep, I’m not ready to go that far (LOL) but I am down sizing and realizing what is really important in this world and it isn’t THINGS or bad relationships, so I’m chunking any of those I have that “aren’t working” for me as well. I’ve about chunked out all the dysfunctional relationships (except for the cat and I guess she can stay anyway, evil creature that she is!) and I really HAVE REVELED in the quiet here and the lack of drama rama. I even had another drink tonight of “southern heart” and just sort of feel all “warm and cozy” here in my little hole in the woods. Need to think about AA though, two drinks in the same week, much less the same month! LOL
LOL re the characterization of your poor oft maligned cat!
what’s in your freeze proof room oxy?
re smoke – not frustrating, dangerous. my body doesn’t cope with smoke. and as my health is precarious – smoke tips me over every freaking time.
the job – they scare me. a lot. i see more shit coming down the stream, too., this job is NEVER going to be fun. i just want to do it well.
i heard an interview with a fellow who was doing the 100 object life. you can’t do this if you have animals, or are an artist or….just not practical. i have traveled a lot and lived places for months with less than 100 items for sure. it HAS affected what i can do without. but i did a major downsizing when i left my townhouse 7 years ago. right now i wish i had less, only because my place has no storage. i also have clothes that i can’t wear – i gained so much weight in the last year – i don’t have much in the way of clothes right now, and won’t throw any of my smaller sized clothes away – this weight gain is an anomaly; it’s only happened 2 times in my life. but they do take up space i don’t have. but i wouldn’t want to try to replace them. too much time and money.
it’s good to be in a place where you get rid of things – clear out. i have been doing a bit of it. i want to be a bit careful though, (to not get rid of things I shouldn’t), i am a bit disconnected from my stuff, because of how i have been living – never fully unpacked and having to wash and clean all my stuff over and over because of the formaldehyde treatments. i feel really …well, actually, i don’t feel, that’s more to the point. i am emotionally disconnected from just about everything because i live in turmoil.
i decided that i would take some of that shit sire xmas money and buy some specialty, very low voc caulking and see if i can seal up some of the smoke leak through areas – mostly it comes up around the baseboards. the flooring is new, so no problem taking off the 1/4 round, and laying some foam rope and caulking. i’ll buy some and do a couple of areas and see how it goes.
thinking about the protective power of segmentation – i can think about getting the caulking, but cannot think about the fact that i need a roomie by march or i cannot stay here. i actually need one now – jan. is when people are in the market here, not march – but i am not ready yet. close, but not quite there. i could have paid down more debt if i had had someone in here the last 6 months – but i coudln’t. way tooo stressed as it was.
when i lived in a retreat centre by myself for 4 months – i rarely heard much beyond my own breathing, the dog who did the rooster impression and the birds. took me a few years to want noise more than silence. just this last week i found myself easy with silence again, if even only for a day.
what matters most is love. hands down. but NA is messed up….most of us don’t realize this is what matters….nothing else comes close.
CHICA, ARE YOU OUT THERE???!
I KEEP CALLING AND GETTING NO ANSWER!!!!
One, Since I have a well, I have filters and pumps and pressure tanks in a room in the barn….instead of a separate “well house” and I made the room “freeze proof” by super insulating it so that it is really very energy effecient. You can heat it with a 100 watt light bulb, and I store stuff there that I don’t want to freeze, like paint, caulking, animal medications etc. It works very well, but 2 winters ago we had a raccoon get in there behind the insulation–he had squeezed in a 2 inch crack by pushing the insulation aside but he couldn’t get back out so he “tore up jack” back there. It was a mess, but we cut through the insulation and let him out and shot him as he ran out, but took 2 days to put things back together and I nailed a board over the gap so the next coon couldn’t squeeze through. I also keep 100 gallons of water in there as a heat sink and also as emergency rations in case we lose power in a storm I won’t be out of water. Last time we were out of power (area wide) for 2 weeks, even the city water was down for 2 weeks (winter of 1999/2000) I’m no “survivalist” but I AM PREPARED for storms, earthquakes (I am in a potentially BAD earthquake zone too) and loss of power.
Well, I hope you can find a good room mate—I would look for a roommie if son D was not here. I actually have plenty of room here as this house is way bigger than I wish it was. If I ever do leave here I will want a much smaller place or maybe stay in the RV. Interesting how many people are opting for moving into the larger RVs instead of apartments or houses.
you know what the difference is between you and a survivalist? wardrobe.
you don’t wear fatigues and they don’t wear plumed hats!
i really like to hear of people so well prepped. we were on the farm also. when i had my own townhouse i was pretty well prepped also. here, not so much.
it’s amazing how small a space raccoons can get in. my shite sire has a new garage, and one night i was taking the garbage out to the can,in the garage, and bloody hell, if i didn’t have something streak by me when i opened the door – bugger was living inside up in the rafters….found a little pile of pressboard dust on the top of a shelving unit, where he had either chew his way in or out.
at my last place they used to raid the garbage – which wasn’t in an enclosure. my landlord was a pig – but then, she didn’t have to live there, now did she!? i’d hear this racket at night and get up and bang the window and whatever was snacking would amble off. (i stopped banging before looking when i realized it was a skunk one night.) But there was this HUGE coon – size of a dog, with a face like a dinner plate. He was quite incredible looking. i kept telling her he was spreading the garbage around (she was so weird about garbage – got upset once when she found maggots in the garbage…???? and was always pissy about the mess, but wouldn’t do anything to stop it); i was trying to get her to build a garbage enclosure, but she decided that maybe she should lay out poison….just flaming great! She was just a lazy cow without a whit of sense.