Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
A long list, but you can search here for Book Review and get a list of ones that are good, Betrayal Bond, Stalking the Soul, If you had controlling parents” Snakes in suits, Without conscience,….look on the Love fraud store there are others. Each one gave me something that was helpful, and THE GIFT OF FEAR is a GREAT one.
I guess I have 25 or 30 different ones, plus I think I have read every article here on LF but occasionally someone will come up with one I haven’t read. LOL
It also depends on WHICH phase of the grief processs you are in at any given time which one is the most helpful if that makes sense. Just start on learning and what will give you the ah ha moment will change today from what it will be tomorrow, but just keep on learning and learning—there’s no end to what we can learn and use to grow with! (((hugs)))
I love to read also. Lately, I’ve just been reading this blog every day (sometimes till my eyes cross!) When I went to the bookstore and asked the woman for Snakes in Suits she looked mortified! Then the guy behind me said “oh, my god!) So, I said to him “they all don’t just wear suits ya know” : )
Dear Ana,
Why would the woman at the book store look “mortified” when you asked for “Snakes in Suits”????? LOL I liked your answer to the guy behind you! LOL
I’m cleaning up the mess in my office and my piling system, found the floor and am making good progress but will take another day I think to get it all dusted and back in order and the carpet cleaned! I’m enjoying the day cleaning believe it or not, as this is the last room in the house that needs the spic-n-span routine so I am going to start off the new year with a clean slate! Even my books are all in order again! TOWANDA!!!!
Good for you Oxy! A nice clean start to the new year…TOWANDA to you!
I think the woman was mortified cause of the sub-title: When Psychopaths go to Work lololol…
Ana, I loved the title to that book actually, I think it is so RIGHT ON. Bob Hare must have a wicked sense of humor! LOL
Yes Oxy, a wicked sense of humor is right. I liked the title too. Well, at least two more people know THEY are out there : )
My ex-husband lied about everything, the cost of insurance, the property taxes being paid, the sites he was visiting, the depravity he was involved in, the women he was writing, and even about college loans or grocery shopping. I was always listening to what he didn’t say, and having to piece together conversations. Now that we are divorced he sent me a letter describing himself exactly, but substituting me as this person. He, of course, already has another, and he lies to her in every way. He was on Match.com saying he loved dogs, when the whole neighborhood and family knew he didn’t. We also knew he’d been on several bestiality sites. Now his new girlfriend has several dogs, and the lies go on and on…He is now involved in sadomasochism, and I am only glad that I do not have to ever see him again. It was the most expensive divorce in the world, and even though the judge completely granted our motion, he tells people he won…won what? It is going to take awhile to trust or believe in anyone again, but it is easy for him to move on. Thanks for letting me vent. The poem was so true, that I felt a need to comment.
Dear Artheart,
It takes time to trust others again, and to trust ourselves as well. I’m glad you are rid of him. They ARE DEPRAVED iin more ways than one.
I cannot WAIT to order books, Ox.
Okay so I read Stalking the SOul awhile back. GREAT BOOK! I should read it again!
But I’m def getting Bob Hare’s books. Martha Stout too, correct?
I want to start with those FIRST. With school I have HELLA reading to do and I’m behind now….dealing with all of this. I really need to focus on my work. Or at least give it a good college Joe try 🙂
You’ve got the rest of your life to learn it, so first things first, classes and that reading, and just read here On LF for now (it’s free!) and get the books to read during breaks when you have time! I’ve been reading for years and still have a stack on my bedside table waiting for their turn! LOL