Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
~
This article has always been to me, the heart of the truth. The lie from hello to goodbye. And I fell for some pretty fantastic lies.
But the bottom line is always that it was a lie from beginning to end.
Funny, no matter how much I was inclined to in the early days of discovery, I find that there is little worthy of discussion about what he said or did once the conclusion is reached: it was all a lie.
I’m no pro at why its so hard to let go of all the little things. I believe there is a definite spath hangover. A haunting that seems to go on and on. One thing occurs to me that the discovery is such a flattening process that we all seem to withdraw from the world during it. And that supports the haunting and distress so very well.
The further away we push from that place of isolating our selves, the easier it seems to be to leave go of what was. Because none of it was real or true.
The process of re entry to the real world is the biggest challenge in the experience. And it requires taking on new perspectives. About discerning what is true and what isn’t. Of judging people and what they say and do differently.
I read so many incredible stories here about the healing process and how it eventually lifts people above and beyond the misery where the path begins- at discovery.
This article, for me was the first stepping stone along a path that is long, winding and yet unfolding. If I can do no more here, then I impart hope to you that the conclusion that you have been lied to is a place where a wondrous journey begins.
The matter begins to be settled with this conclusion. And it is profound.
Embrace the journey and see the world with the new eyes that you acquire by making the conclusion. Yes, they lied. They did horrible things. And you see clearly now what was.
It is a place of beginning, not ending. It is a hopeful place because in the midst of the distress of discovery, you reach the first milestone. Once you can say, “Yeah, it was all a lie” you can begin to stop bargaining for your self. You own yourself again.
It means you are on a path to some destiny uniquely your own.
Happy traveling! You are on your way!
Robx – they don’t love, they can’t. What they do do is manipulate and feed us fake stuff. The stuff we want to hear. And blindly we fall for the love-bombing. Here endeth the first lesson! Amen.
Silvermoon,
Your above post is ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL AND WISE, UPLIFTING AND GRAND! Thank you for that well put encouragement. There are just no words to tell you how special I think it is and how TRUE it all is. THANK YOU! It is encouragement from people like you that makes me come back to LF every day. I have seen you grow since you came here and it makes my heart sing to see that growth! ((((hugs))))) Glad you are here!
Silver,
I love your posts. They’re always filled with such hope and wisdom.
🙂
LL
Silvermoon,
yep, it’s just like in the matrix, we get to finally wake up from the dream. We were being used as food for a parasite while we slumbered. Time to see reality and take back our power to create our own lives.
“Remember” he is not the one that got away. He is the one you got away from. There is a very big difference”
This was posted by someone earlier (sorry to whomever posted it…I cant seem to find the thread) and seems to make sense to me. I have thought about this alot since yesterday…and have reminisced over the ‘beginnig’ of the end for us. It seems as though I had inklings about 3 weeks into the game about him…my instincts were right on.
I remembered today though two of the initial incidents that occured that were ‘sorta’ left untouched by me…because I believed him-gave him the benifit of the doubt.
What stands out in my mind though is one time in particular…the time he was arrested on my family vacation. He was speeding in my car out of state and got pulled over. The cop took his information and my ex seemed very ‘nervous’ while waiting. I wasn’t…so it was gonna be a speeding ticket…who cares! The cop came back to tell us a person who matches his exact description has a warrant for his arrest in another state. He was asked to show his wrists as the cop checked for ‘scars’. The person fitting the description had ‘scars’ on his wrists. My ex clearly had no scars…wasn’t him…have a good day officer.
When we got to our destination, there was a detective and two cops waiting for us. Remember, we were on my family VACATION! He got arrested and went to jail.
At the jail, I was frantic, crying, swearing, beside myself. As I spoke with the cops about the problem, they ASSURED me that this warrant was for HIM over a DUI he got 9 years earlier…oh, and a charge for forging checks. I was sick…I WAS TOTALLY SICK!
I went to talk to my ex and asked ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE…TELL ME…WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”
He didnt respond at first…he just looked at me…cold, detached, distant…
His reply…”are you gonna get me the fuck out of here or what? You’ve stood out there talking to the cops while Ive been waiting in here.”
My parents were gonna help him post bail!!! People with any sense of remorse, empathy or consceince would APOLOGIZE profusely for the situation they created…out of embarassment alone! He didnt…
What he did was start what would end up being a long, long, long, LLOONNGG line of manipulation through anger, demands, blame and gult tripping to get WHAT HE WANTS…
Only what HE wants…
And so I move onto this topic of being ‘connected’. He recently let me know he hadnt felt “connected’ to me since November of last year.
Saying that insinuates that BEFORE November he DID feel connected. I wonder then…what was the catalyst for the ‘change of heart”? Hmmmmmmm…
At the time of his perceived feelings of disconnect, he had told me he had ‘overdrawn -550 dollars from my checking account”, but blamed it on the state somehow. I was displeased with this…clearly. How do you OVERDRAW that much money…unless you just write bad checks.
I am very good with money and he knows this. He also knows that HIS irresponsibilty wouldnt ‘fly’ with me so he blames someone/thing else…typical. He told me “do you realize how hard it is for me to tell you things like this. Youre so good with money, you wouldnt understand.” Oh, I understood alright…I understood FULLY!
So, the next moneh I ask if his money situation is better and if hes still planning on moving in. He says hes hesitant because money is tight but says his IS moving in. At the end of December I get a dog.
The next two months are miserable…yet he’s there. With no connection to me? With little money? Why stay…or even move in for that matter if the CONNECTION wasnt there?
Babe,
It NEVER WAS THERE TO BEGIN WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LL
Ok, ok…no no connection even there to begin with…fine.
How would he even know to use those words then. I guess Im wondering was he ‘telling’ me when the ‘using’ was about to begin? Was that just psycho-babble he was saying to relay the fact that he felt nothing and knew it? And if so, WHY TELL ME…is he that much of an idiot? Or, better yet…is he JUST THAT BOLD?