Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Dear Nicole,
He sounds like a psychopath to me too. “How do they lie…for a year?” With their lips—if they are talking they are lying. They keep on talking in order to get what they want—sex, money, excitement, or whatever turns them on or rings their bell.
Welcome to Lovefraud, sorry you also qualify for our club! He has no remorse and won’t grow a conscience, but you can heal and learn to avoid the next one—and he is not the only one you will ever meet. Welcome, and God bless.
for sale : One bottle of Cougar Pee with a touch Garlic. Garunteed to repel sociopaths and vampire’s…..Caution! may cause extreme isolation..starting bid 5.oo…
Psychopaths will use lies or truth, good or bad, beautiful or ugly, worthless or worthy; practically speaking, both continuums—positive or negtive to destroy their target. The psychopath in our lives used each and every aspect of life to the point of using secretive ways of sorcery to destroy our family and still does.
DELETE WHAT I WANTED TO POST HERE…JUST COULDN’T BRING MYSELF TO HIT “POST”—hee hee now you can wonder what it was, Henry!
Dear Nicole42,
Be very glad that you got out of this situation with this user. He clearly was lying to you about his life, pretty much everything seemed to be a lie. The fact that he wanted to keep so much of his life away from you (like meeting his parents), is a HUGE red flag. At the least you got away from a pathalogical liar and user.
Do not let him back into your life, he may try to get back with you, they frequently do, but do not let him weasle his way back in. It is hard for them to give up supply but you might get lucky.
Consider it a good thing to be rid of this man. They love to lovebomb you at the beginning and you become hooked. His trip was an example of the lovebomb.
So sorry you had to find your way to this site but many people on Lovefraud have wonderful advice and they will help you with any questions.
Many blessings to you!
I went back and found where I had posted before–a year ago. I signed up as ptsd-then became conomo. I was wrecked by it all back then. I had other issues like PAS going for me–Not.
Anyways, I would like to apologize again for upsetting people with my sound bites under so much stress and alcohol.
I would also like to update my situation. The loose cannon got out of prison Dec 28, 2010. He has tried to contact me once via an anonymous FB name and tried a friend’s request via my friend as well(back door man haha). After a couple of exchanges I realized it was him and said”you sound like a kid with nothing better to do” and never replied again. Then the attempt with my friend. Friend called me to ask about the situation and never accepted. Haven’t heard anything since. So far so good. I have no doubt that with the warmer weather he will try again, but will not let him in the front or back door.
While I didn’t install motion detectors as Oxy recommended, I did have an alarm system installed that goes direct to the police and not a call center. (courtesy of the local women’s shelter/support org) I have it for another couple of months if there is no “activity”. I do have motion detector if need be and it will be installed on the inside of my house.
It’s been a journey from hell and now on my way back. The kicker is I still think about him(not like any other relationship) but I now know he will always be lies and cannot really love.
Be well/strong, seek support and take it. This site was so helpful in that it provided education but more importantly knowledge that I was not crazy or to blame. xo
Dear NCWorking,
WELCOME BACK! Glad that you are doing well, and don’t worry about being “upsetting” to people, we’ve all been crazy to one extent or another! If there’s any group of people who will understand it is this bunch! ((((hugs))))
Keep in touch and God bless!
My spath daughter writes for this travel mag for kids,and where she doesnt actually lie, she evades the truth.She says she
“LIves on the North Shore, with her significant other,,his kids,{what a lovely blended family!}and her 3 kids,”who are all avid & experienced travellers.”
The REAL truth is, she lives in one room ofa rented condo, has the kids weekends ,{she baby sits her own kids in ex hubbys house, while he visits his girlfriend}. Ex hubby has th kids Full time.One article made me puke, it was all about her son begging her to let him and his friends and SOs 2 kids,{son is 13,} camp in the back yard,and she reluctantly agreed provided it meant no work from her.She and “significant other” were only woken up once to settle a fight.
When I mentioned this article to my former SIL {who had not read it,} his response was to ban SO. from sleeping in his bed at weekends!So, the following weekend she leaves 13 yr old son and 3 mates on their own in their Dads house so she can go sleep with SO in her bedroom in her condo.
SIL rang me last night to tell me his son had asked him if he could go to the beach with his mates after school.{Son rang him at work.} he said OK. Son instead dived off a rocky cliff, into very deep turbulent sea. he hit his head on a rock, badly gashed his back and needed stitches to his back and back of head. My SIL was rung up at work by the Hospital,to tell him his son was there.If son had been knocked unconscious, he would have been sucked under , and drowned.he is lucky to be alive.My SIL rang spath daughter. She showed no emotion on the phone, and, you guessed it, DID NOT BOTHER TO EVEN GO VISIT HER INJURED KID IN THE HOSPITAL!
GO figure. They are the lie from hello to good bye.
Im beyond disgusted by her.
Mama gemX
NCWorking:
Glad to hear all is going well…..No, they don’t go away…….but we can continue to grow and learn to keep OURSELVES healthy and safe.
Kudo’s to you for your clarity!
Continue to take good care.
MamaGem;
And that all surprises you WHY?
NOT!
Pay her no attention…..you expected it.
I’m glad your GS is alive!! SHEESH DUDE!!!!!