Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
luv,
The guy sounds like a jerk. I would not even give him another thought. Sorry I mentioned the possibility that you were calling him too much. I really just didn’t have a sense from your post about what was really going on. A lot of guys, if they are really selfish and immature, will say they are going to call and then never call. In a perfect world, they’d just be honest. On the flip side, if you are calling or emailing too much, they will lose interest very quickly. I’ve watched this happen to some of my girlfriends. Once they go out with a guy once or twice, they start sending him little cutesie emails and so on to let the guy know they are thinking of him. That’s usually a turn-off for men. Let them pursue you. If they are not interested, move on.
Except watch out for guys that “pursue” or any thing like that!
Good men don’t play games.
Good men don’t leave you guessing.
Good men are usually pretty tongue tied, not flowery and eloquent when they express their love because it isn’t a line they have said before to 25 other women. The first time he told me he loved me, my husband-to-be leaned in my car window and gave me a quick peck of a kiss as I was about to drive off from where we had met that day, and said “I guess by now you know I love you. Bye!” (And he was right. His ACTIONS had already told me he loved me)
Compare that to the P/S who gushed “Everything you do, everything you say, just leaves me…..breathless!” Yeah, right. That is probably why he would ignore me for weeks at at time. Blah!
Sometimes when your writing about your situation you don’t make it clear, but he would call me everyday and few times he would tell me I’ll call you back and didn’t thats when I tried to talk to him like an adult. But its cool like I said everything happen for a reason, no more emails and calls from me. I try to fill days with things to do to take my mind off of being alone but in the end its just me. I know the feeling oh so well that it don’t seem like a good guy is ever gonna come along I done got the place where I pray to God to send me someone that will love me and not take advantage of my kindness and loving heart. I’m venting because no matter what unless a person been through it with a spath they would never understand.
I guess if I were dating again, I’d just go about the things I love to do and if a GOOD man showed up, I would expect us to connect on a friend level first. I have simply and totally lost my appetite for “macho” men, “bad boys”, “narcs”, dominating men, men who are the center of attention, sharp dressers, guys who have exciting lives, men who take risks even to save lives, men who flirt, men who touch me when they barely know me…..anything that even vaguely reminds me a of a s/p/n.
Neveragain is a good name for me!
Luv716…..even when you “have” a man you love in your life who loves you back….you can start obsessing about “what if he dies suddenly”, etc. etc.
Fact is, each of us is alone in this world, but that is okay, because after you are an adult, you don’t HAVE to depend on anyone else, unless you are in a very unusual circumstance, like physically paralyzed.
So, I have a man who loves me and I love him. So what? We can’t stand around gazing into each other’s eyes all the time.
A love is just one love. There is so much more to life.
And GIVING love is actually what feels best. Go to your local animal shelter….you’ll find lots of beings in need of your love. Or volunteer at a nursery school, or go to an assisted living center. Giving love is what feels best and there are plenty of places to do it.
And as far as sex, a good imagination and a vibrator work just fine, to be perfectly blunt!
Oxy, you are quite right re my SIL taking them with him at weekends to his girlfriends place. I mentioned it to him the last time he phoned, and he said,”M, she only has a small 1 bedroom flat, there wouldnt be room for 3 kids. And I need a break from them at weekends.” So, he is NOT going to do that, the weekend is the only time he gets to see GF {he is 47 in June, she is 31, go figure} She is really into her career as a Journalist and I think the arrangement suits her fine.He is STILL not divorced after over 5 years, says he cant afford it, but he could afford to go to India with GF last July? And sill owing over $40,000?
He is pot smoker and Im sure it addles their brains, it is NOT harmless.All that being said he is still hands down a better parent than spath D!BTW ,GF lives 3 hour trip each way from his place, his petrol bills must be HUGE!Around $60– each way!!At least! And he is back to smoking again..
Love,
GemXX
He may be BETTER than the P-DTR but he is still not in my opinion, any candidate for father of the year. A RESPONSIBLE PARENT puts the welfare of the kids BEFORE HIS OWN “RECREATION” of seeing his GF and smoking dope. I think the “problem” is that if he had the kids with him, he couldn’t run around the 1 bedroom apt naked all weekend and smoke the grass….and THAT’s what he’d rather do than pay off his bills or take care of his kids. So, he may be better than SHE is as a parent, but he ain’t no great shakes as one. IMHO.
Your right on as usual Oxy, but I cant do any more, Ive prob. interfered enough as it is.I have to BACK RIGHT OFF NOW.
Now I have to just let life unfold for them, they make the choices, and even the kids make their choices,{ie, GS choosing to LIE to Dad about going body surfing when he REALLY meant he was going to jump off dangerous small cliff into choppy seas with hidden rocks!}And GD choosing to get off her face drunk and cut her foot badly needing 14 stitches.{She lied to Dad too, said she was going to a slumber party!}
Glad GS wasnt killed but if he DOES get himself killed NOT my fault, and ZILCH Ican do about it.
Yea my SIL is a bit of a drop kick loser, but he made the choice to marry my spath daughter.Youd think there would have been an AHA moment when Mum was BANNED from her wedding after giving her a lovely wedding gift of $1,000.
AND paying for half of the wedding to help out my ex husband,, even tho I was banned. I didnt think it was fair he had to pay for the lot, as he is just on a Govt.pension.
I dont regret anything Ive done for either of my kids, but wont be doing any more, cetainly NO MORE MONEY!
And no, I DONT think it was a down payment on control, I genuinely wanted to help them. That was THEN, this is NOW, and NO WAY HOSEY will I be doing it again, ever!
{I WAS prob. trying to buy their love though,didnt work, it never does.}
Love,
MamagemXX
Yea, I know what you mean, I’ve done things for son C the same way, even after he married the cyber-bride psychopath! Trying to “help”—or trying to show them how much I loved him….excuse me while I puke! But I’m like you, I’m DUN with doing things for people who treat me poorly, and when I do nice things for those I love it is a GIFT –not a payment on control.
Yea, Kids do lie and kids do make POOR JUDGMENTS and get hurt because of it, but SIL is supposed to be the adult and is supposed to CHECK UP on the kids and where they are— not be out of town with his GF smoking grass when he SHOULD KNOW that kids lie and have poor judgment and do stupid things….well, maybe HE NEEDS A DAD TO KEEP HIM IN LINE FROM DOING STUPID THINGS….oh, well, you can’t be his mum or dad either. LOL
Hi, Ox…
I’ve been busy but also being pulled back into the relationship.
I didn’t want to allow this, but somehow that happened.
Someone said to me, “haven’t had enough pain, eh?” And they were right.
He is in pain and struggling, and that gets to me every time. He plays the victim. I rescue him. I become the victim.
And on it goes.
Another arrest, another job attempt gone sour, more doors closed on him.
And now he talks of ending it all. He has burned all his bridges and knows it.
WTF Ox?