Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Dear Trimama,
All I can tell you is that the ONLY WAY you will be able to make it, to take care of yourself and not end up like Jessica is to BE NO CONTACT WITH HIM…it is your choice. You know that.
His threats to “end it all” is a way to MANIPULATE YOU, and you are allowing that. YOU are allowing that…I’m being really blunt here sweetie, only YOU can save yourself.
This man has seriously tried to hurt you in the past, and he is NOT going to get better and YOU are NOT going to be able to save him. The only person you can save is YOU. I can’t save you, and Donna can’t save you and no one else here on this blog can save you, even God can’t save you if you won’t help yourself. You CAN DO IT!!!! You must do it! This man is dangerous. ((((Hugs)))) and I am praying for you to be strong! God bless.
Dear Trimama ~ Ox is right. You need to save yourself!!! Run as fast as you can away from this man. You are not responsible for anyone but YOU. Do take care!!
Sending prayers for strength. ((hugs))
Dear Trimama,
I know that you can do it. Get away from him. He is a LIAR! Don’t fall for it. He is a vampire trying to suck you dry. Don’t let him in. He creates his own misery. Do not let him create it for you. You deserve much better! Take care of yourself.
trimama –
“He is in pain and struggling, and that gets to me every time. He plays the victim. I rescue him. I become the victim…..now he talks of ending it all. He has burned all his bridges and knows it.”
Please, please, please remember that ANYTHING that looks remotely like “pain” or “struggling” in a spath is NOT; it’s a well-practised, highly manouvered ACT to make them LOOK like victims.
They ARE NOT and NEVER WILL BE “victims” in any true sense of the word because even if something bad DID happen to them, they would have brought it on themselves.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/03/16/resource-perspectives-why-sociopaths-sometimes-kill-themselves/
You NEED to read this link to better understand the tricks they pull, especially the old “I’m gonna kill myself” gag, which is usually a stunt but on the rare occasions where they follow through, then becomes something for even nice, decent, kind-hearted and GOOD people like us to rejoice over.
There is no possible use in this world for any spath. Not one of them has redeeming features that will ever outweigh the evil they peddle and inflict. I wish mine WOULD kill himself! (And I’m a Christian with very strong ethics).
My own “pretend spath suicide” experience is posted around the 28 March on that link.
Don’t keep falling for things that are not even a little bit real.
Thanks, you guys.
I appreciate the reminders of how bad this is, that I miss when in the midst of it.
I feel for him, and he knows it. The ‘end it all’ tack was new for him but then I have never moved this far away from him emotionally before. If I take a minute to consider it, I realize that he is just too narcissistic to kill himself. Yes, he is in a bad place but that is the story of his life…he always manages to get in bad places because of impulsive choices often designed to take advantage of someone else. And every so often, karma steps in and those choices end up hurting him instead.
This man does suffer, it is not all a ploy to gain sympathy. He makes a mess of everything and everyone he touches. And he knows it. There is some shred of remorse working….not enough to change his behavior or his motives, though.
That said, he does meet all the diagnostic criteria for a psychopath…every single one, fully and completely.
So who and what he is, is very clear.
I feel better than I have in a long time. I do not feel responsible for rescuing him or worry over where he will end up. Breaking NC was not wise but it did help to put things in perspective for me, and eased the pain of separation from him. The more I see of him from a safe distance, the more I realize just how disturbed he is. Learning about him from him and from others I speak with is powerful. It makes for perspective and healing.
Dear Trimama,
Baby I am so glad to hear that you are finally getting away from him! Hang on to that strength, Kiddo, it will bring you through the pain into healing. It is like labor pains, NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR YOU, you have to PUSH THROUGH THE PAIN.
When it starts to hurt tell yourself you are giving birth to the NEW YOU! You have got to PUSH THROUGH THAT PAIN, to get that NEW YOU out to the light of day. If you don’t, you will smother to death, you cannot quit, you MUST KEEP ON PUSHING, AND YOU CAN DO IT. Even when you think you can’t push another minute or stand another second of the pain, YOU CAN DO IT!~!!!!! It isn’t an “instant fix” but you can endure as long as you have to in order to complete the process of disengaging from him! It will be the BIRTH OF A NEW YOU, A NEW DAY! A WONDERFUL LIFE! Breathe and PUSSSSSH!!!!! (hugs)))
Good analogy, Ox….from a retired NP!
I gave birth to two babies…no meds, no carrying on. Just pure effort and directed energy.
So, thank you.
Dear Trimama,
I gave birth to two babies too! No meds, but LOTS OF CARRYING ON!!! When I ran out of cuss words I knew I started making them up!!!! LOL 22 hours of “back labor” with the first one and 18 hours with the second one!
Glad you liked the analogy though, and I too agree it is a good one. How old are your “babies?”
Same here, Ox, with the back labor.
And I worked up to the minute of delivery.
My babies are now 21 and 22.
But it is a similar experience, giving up the pain.
Thanks, Ox.
Tell me about being an NP.
What is your experience of PA’s?
I’m considering going to PA school>
Dear trimama,
I have only worked with a few PAs and I was impressed with both of them…the thing is the PAs have a different way of dealing with patients than an NP does, we have more of a nursing reference, more holistic than the PAs who I think are generally more medically and procedure oriented. I have gone to PAs and NPs who were in special practice and have been pleased with both. For my general over care, I see an MD who is an internist who works at the clinic I used to work at. She is young, only 3-4 years out of school, but very thorough and though she still hasn’t been in office practice enough yet to get some of the little things down. (Last time I had a mole removed off me I had to show her how to do it. LOL ) But, at the same time, she is sure enough of herself that when I am full of chit, she tells me I am….and SHE WAS RIGHT!!!! LOL
What is your background in college so far? I had college hours in hard sciences, pre-pharmacy, when I got divorced when my kids were early grade school and went back to college after a long lay out, took 2 years, then transferred to an RNP program, total 5 + years and with a certificate. It takes a masters in nursing and a preceptorship (like an internship) now, plus a national certification test. I worked ICU and different venues for the experience, then administration, psych, then back to clinical medical practice in independent rural health clinics and college health, so my experience is pretty broad. I enjoyed the teaching part of the job as much as anything and enjoyed the holistic part of the practice, not just the procedures. “In my day” (boy does that make me sound old!) I wasn’t forced to see so many patients per day. My load was generally 15-20 patients per day versus some doctors see 50-70 patients per day. Occasionally I might see 30 patients in a day, for minor things, or allergy shots or flu shots, etc. but generally less than 30. Now they have to see more as a general rule I think.