“He is the lie, from hello to good-bye”

Hi

I am in emotional turmoil and need help working this out, I am really confused. 

A week ago today my ex dumped me. Let me explain the relationship

I first met my ex 14 yrs ago whilst working in Europe, he was too and I remember the first time I met him I fancied him but decided I didn’t like him on our first brief meetings. He un nerved me and seemed strange. He obviously fancied me as did all of his mates. They were obsessed with me, they gave me a nickname and they were all totally mad and dysfunctional. 

We were all in our early 20’s and i ended hooking up with the nutter in his group and everyone was shocked. My new ex at the time seemed really vindictive and seemed to put pressure on my then nut boyfriend and refused to speak to me. We ended up splitting and I came home to the uk for a few weeks. 

When I got back I made a bit of a fool of myself over my then ex and I remember my current ex really intimidated me and over the years when I recall that story I always mention the vile friend whom I really didn’t like, my new ex!!

Anyway 12 years on. 

I am just recovering from the break up of my 8 year relationship with my dear ex. I didn’t take it well, but over time I accepted we drifted. I accepted we were vile too eachother towards the end and my dear ex had no choice but to end it and both were to blame. 

8 months after the split we talked and became friends again and I was happy and excited about life again. I was 33, had 50k in the bank, a lovely rented flat. Got myself a steady job as a nurse, which I was returning too after running various businesses. 

I had done a lot of self work and free from all anxieties I was frustrated 33 yr old with no one to go out with.  I even went to Greece on my own for a week. 

I was ready for some excitement in my life. I dated lots, never went more than one date with guys, never slept with any of them, I was totally in control, well so I thought. 

I found my ex on Facebook on the 2nd of July 09. I messaged him, remember me? He wrote back the next morning, He said he’d lived in Aus and NZ, a bricklayer. Come back to uk for a woman but it didn’t workout. Not working at mo because of recession.  

I told him about my life businesses blah blah.

He was at my house on July 6th. He lived 100 miles away, arrived on train, didn’t have a car. I did a 2 year old Audi and my flat is full off expensive furniture and art. 

He was impressed by how well I’d done, seemed overly into me. Said odd things that weekend. Said he loved kids, said he’d cheated once, had it done to him once and both times it felt crap, told me his mum had left him with dad and older brother at 12. 

He stayed a few days, told him no sex. He was so sweet about it, seemed really lovely. I was knocked out by him, shocked at how nice, sensitive he was and I felt bad for hating him all those years ago. 

I told him everything about my break up, my money (he said he’s like me, got money in the bank 25k), a house I was doing up and selling on.  I told him in the last 2 years with my ex I was so stressed with the state of relationship I got sever health anxiety and years before that I had panic attacks. He was so understanding, told him i am on anti D’s since break up and I felt great. I was great! 

We talked and laughed, smoked weed, he’s a heavy user. I have it once every 2 weeks on girls night. Talked about our drug taking past, when we were young. I told him I didn’t touch them, hadn’t for years. 

He asked if he could come up here next summer for a walking holiday. A few months later I suggested a walk and he said my idea of fun isn’t walking around muddy hills but an afternoon in the pub. I said but you asked for a walking holiday and he said he was just talking shit. 

I Took him to station he said he was a fat kid (he’s ripped now) and had a speech impediment. He was so so sweet and open.  

He went home, called and text me all the time. It did my head in a bit to be honest. 

I drove 100 miles to his home 2 weeks later. met him in a beer garden with 3 male friends. I don’t drink but do like pot and we sat in a park and had a joint. He was so in love with me, no one had acted like that with me since I was a teen. 

I was amazed at my new found confidence and was aware of my looks and special people personality for the first time in my life. I was me that day, making everyone laugh, his mates loved me. 

We went back to his flat above the chippy his mate 38 year landlord mate owned. It was a shit-hole, there was two 35 +’s living with him, the chipshop man, he was stuck in a rut, working, getting stoned and but is a nice giving person. The other was 39, he had just moved in. His partner had kicked him out. She was a controlling cow (apparently) and had the house, stopped him seeing the kids because he couldn’t afford to pay her money. He worked for her family company and had quit. Unemployed and always pissed or on drugs. No wonder she banned him from seeing them. 

When we walked into the flat there were 2 men, again 35 +, monged and smoking pot on sofa. 

He said he’d forgot it was his mums birthday meal and had to pop out for two hours. I could come or stay in the flat. I went to the meal and met his mum and partner and odd 15 year old half sister, his brother and niece.

When my ex saw his mum he looked shamed by her and said “oh my god mum. What you done to your hair”?  He looked at me in astonishment and said he couldn’t believe the state of his mums hair. 

During the meal his brother was so rude to his mother. I didn’t like him, he was obnoxious and went on and on about politics. But as I got to know him he seemed softy really. His girlfriend whom he had the kid with had rented a small starter home of her dad and they got half price rent. Before that they had spent 4 years in my ex’s Gramps free basement flat in his crumbling house, they were both 39 at the time. 

We went back to his flat and more 35 + males were there. All smoking weed, drinking and playing play station. 

In the morning he had his laptop on and asked me to pick a 5* hotel. We booked one, he paid £140 and I booked one for £49 for another hotel in different location for first night. 

I drove and I think he may have put some money in towards fuel. We went to an attraction and it was £18 each. He refused to pay, I offered to pay myself, he said he’s not wasting £18 to go through a gorge. 

We went to the expensive hotel and had sex for first time. He had trouble maintaining his erection, banged his head and said “sorry I’m really nervous cause I’m so into you”. I was sexually confident and took over. The sex was strange, I asked him if he had a condom and he looked nervous and said somewhere and penetrated me, hitched my legs over his head, pumped away and pulled out when he come. 

He said he didn’t come I inside cause I noticed you were worried about condom. I said no I was not worried about getting pregnant, just catching something. 

The relationship proceeded and he told me that he hadn’t been on holiday for 6 yrs. The last one was a golfing holiday with the lads. 6 months on I found out he went with his ex 1.5 yrs before. I questioned him on this, he said he’s sure he didn’t say that and I’m just being paranoid. 

About 6 wks into the relationship he come up for my nephews christening. We got up late and he needed cash so I lent him £30 which he never gave me back.  

After the christening he asked if he could move in. I said no I’ve just got used to living alone and like it. He said well it’s not like I’ve ever ask a woman if I can live with her before. I said well if you find a bit of work up here then your welcome to stay a few weeks. He said I’m not going to take over your flat or anything. I said no, it’s too soon and I am emotionally venerable I couldn’t hack it. 

We continued seeing each other. He wasn’t working, I only worked 60 hrs over 3 weeks, so we spent loads of time together. 

He made out he was unlucky in love, always dumped, his ex of three yrs had dumped him. I couldn’t believe my luck, good looking, sweet, seemed a bit clueless and thick. But lovely and I thought all his exes were mad to let him go. 

I remember asking his mate if he had ever worked. He said yes he worked really hard, saved and went traveling.  

My ex had told me the work had dried up over the last year. He also mentioned in passing that on his ex’s birthday he made a big effort and booked two to tickets to the sydney opera house for a show she wanted to see. He booked the wrong tickets and she was spewing with him and he wanted the ground to swallow him. 

In Oct 09 he was 34 I gave him his present, a pair of trainers he liked and he cried saying he was so happy. All his mates come round for the day, smoked watched football and drunk. I went upstairs upset because I felt a bit ignored. He come up after an hour and said what’s up baby?  I told him and he kissed me and said sorry he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. 

I was taking anti depressants since my last break up and he hinted he didn’t like me on them. I told him the kept my moods steady as I suffered pms and could be vile. He encouraged me to come off them and I did, very slowly. 

Christmas 09 and I went and met his lovely sweet 90 yr old gramps. He was like oh my good she’s beautiful, look at her smile. My ex says yes gramps I’m very proud and happy. His gramps and I hit it off big time. His gramps said that my ex was moving up north soon to live with me. I looked at him and he was all smiles at me. I was  like what he thinks he’s moving in?? 

We went out and met his mates and one said you smoke weed, you will be able to understand him then. 

Xmas day I was so excited, I opened my present and it was a cheap mirror. Nothing like anything that I would buy and I has told him weeks before I hated mosaic and it was mosaic tat. 

He gave it to me saying I hope you like it. I was gutted, it must has cost £5 at the most and he had spent a bomb on his mum. The woman who left him as a child and whom he didn’t speak to for years. 

I got upset and told him, he acted really upset that I was upset.  I had to drive back up north too Xmas day and I hit the motorway in floods of tears. I was thinking god I need to go back on tablets. I am becoming really down and   was scared to turn into the moaning cow I was for the last two years of my previous relationship. 

New years eve we went out in his town again and met two other couples. One of the girls and her husband was like all over me saying my BF had told her husband I was the one. My BF seemed really happy and all his friends were like he’s moving in with you. 

When we got back to his flat I asked him why everyone was saying he was moving in with me. He replied saying let’s face it baby I am spending £70 a week for my room and I’m never there. I said I was happy with the relationship as it was. He answered “well baby I can’t see myself continuing this relationship up and down motorway”. I gave in and headed home to work. He was meant to move in days later. It snowed bad so he didn’t. 3 days late turned into 3 weeks till he turned up with his chest of draws, black bin bags etc. 

I remember letting him in and I was so unsure I didn’t feel happy.  I had no idea what was going on and just went along with it. None of my friends or family knew I avoided telling them cause I knew they’d say don’t do it and I really liked him. 

He had no work and not having much luck. He found work through an agency and quit the job in feb 10 a month in saying it was a pain in the arse. 

Every weekend we would or I would drive back to his home town and stay in his old room. Go the pub, sit with his mates. 

He hadn’t paid me any money and it was getting me down. He was quiet and moody. 

I was under immense pressure and was worried he’d regretted moving in. I asked him he said no baby I’m just grumpy. You will notice as you get to know me more I am a bit grumpy and I get really nasty sometimes. I found it hard to believe.  

He started saying stuff about his upbringing. How his mum left, his dad drank, he got locked up on in Israel at 16 for smoking pot. How he thinks nothing would last forever. How he was scared of commitment but felt different with me. How he was selfish and didn’t like spending money.  

Everyday he’d sit on sofa watching TV and smoking pot. I on the other hand was working, shopping cooking and cleaning. I flipped at him one day about having no money of him.  He said why you flip like that? I’m shit at remembering money, just remind me baby. He told me he wasn’t impressed with my temper. 

He’d been having erection probs and I was paranoid and upset and asked him what the problem was? He didn’t know, i asked him if it happened before and he said no just you. I was gutted and went to sleep crying and feeling like shit. 

In the morning he woke up and said baby I’m leaving, I don’t love you, think your all that and he was off. I went to other room, phoned my mum. I was crying and he come in hugged me and said he was staying. I was confused, he said he had commitment issues and could be nasty when down sometimes and that was him being nasty. 

We carried on, he got offered work in March 10 in his home town and stayed in his old room whilst working. 

2 weeks turned into 2 months and by may I was pissed off and moaning to him that I felt single. 

I was down that motorway all the time, staying in a shit hole waiting for him to come home and eat the tea I made. Then his mates would pile round and football smoking drinking. 

In may 10 i was put into a medical menopause as my anxiety was so bad and I was terrified of spoiling my relationship because he had said my anxiety made him worry I’d go mad if I had a baby. 

When the menopause kicked in I was mental. I didn’t know my own mind and felt alone and unsupported. My BF was supposed to come up Friday night he didn’t opting to stay there and play golf. I phoned him and said this isn’t a relationship. He dumped me saying he didn’t know what else to do. He was working saving for our future and I was moaning. Couldn’t see it from my point at all. He said sorry again and said he was staying. 

He did it to me again in March. I was going mad at him because I had drove home and called him and couldn’t get hold of him. We had Been to look at two flats in his own town that were for sale. He was like shall we buy, I said no as I wouldn’t fit my furniture and art in them. So when he dumped me 2 days later I was like but we were buying a house together.  He was like that was 2 days ago, today is today. 

I was in a right state, my best friend come round and she was really upset at the state of me. She said at the time that she thought he come up here saw my flashy lifestyle and thought he’d have a bit of it. Once he realised he had to pay towards it he started to distance himself. 

When my ex come back home he said why didn’t you tell me you was like this. I would have come straight home. 

He said he wanted to move to his old town together. I said well before that happens I want to see you commit to me here. He did, thinking about it now his old landlord told him he didn’t want him there anymore and he had nowhere to go. 

My young brother had brought a house next to my mums and my BF did the work for £80 cash a day. Every night he moaned he was used to earning £160 + a day. I felt terrible guilty and became obsessed he was un happy with me. My family at the time have since told me he dragged that work out in their opinion. 

He moved back paid me money now and again. Got some work, said he was happy.  He was going home everyother weekend and we had a balance.

In June we went on holiday, he paid. On our first day we headed to the beach and I said I was shocked his mate had taken a woman home for sex when he didn’t fancy her. Anyway I said he could do better. 

He said you should see his mates ex girlfriends they were well fit.  I was upset by this comment and said fitter than me hey? He replied just younger!! 

The rest of the holiday was wonderful, no weed about, he was better in bed and on my birthday the hotel arranged a romantic meal for us. I looked stunning everyone was checking me out and my BF made a toast to my birthday and many more together. 

When he had a drink on holiday he broke down crying about his mum and dad. How his dad was abusive and hit his mum. How she left for another man and expected him and his brother to go with her but they refused. How he tried to strangle his mum when he was 18 yrs old. I told him that was his parents fault and they were lucky to still have a relationship with him. 

We come home I was relaxed and so was he. We soon fell back into our weed smoking rut. 

He was working ip here paying me board now and again. 

He went on a stag do in July and completely told me the wrong city he was staying in. For some reason I felt the need to check the flight times online and my head went.  I was anxious all weekend 
and when he come back I asked him why. He played dumb again and said he just got the places mixed up. 

In oct 10 his gramps was struggling and he offered us the flat for free. I told my BF I couldn’t live in it, it was like stepping back 10 years in my life. I suggested he go look after hos gramps and we would take it in turns to travel. 

This happened and we talked about it before he went and I said I would find it difficult. He talked about doing the flat up for us. I followed him down a week later armed with cleaning stuff he was working on a job, I cleaned all day. He came home and me being a very assertive person had cleaned the entire place and started making plans to decorate. 

He was well off with me and had lost his job because his boss had been locked up. I encouraged him to phone the client and take on the job himself. I told him he could do something that big I has faith in him. He did and was earning £180 a day!! 

On the Friday we went shopping for flat stuff and he was off again. I asked him what was up and he said he felt distance from me. He said he was sick of me running about talking about paint and curtains. Said it did his head in, I begged he said no I fancy other women. I fancy a change something different. I was devastated, told him to get £300 out for the bed I had brought. 

I went up to his gramps house and packed my bags. His gramps asked me what was up and I told him and he went mad. 

Spoke to my BF who come to me and said stay baby. I’m sorry I was just in a grump. I asked him if he was sure or did he want to stay or was it only for his gramps. Ge said I want you to stay. 

We went bed, I woke up and he was in the flat painting. I told him I was so depressed and couldn’t do anything. He said he was really sorry for upsetting me. 

I encouraged his gramps to go in hospital. Being a nurse I knew he was very ill. 

He did and was told he had terminal lung cancer and I arranged all the care, funding, bed and oxygen so he could spend his last bit of time at home. He was almost 91 and was such a lovely man.  

About two weeks after the latest dumping I sat with him and said you don’t love me do you, I can tell. I said I got over my ex didn’t think I would but did and met you. I can do that again and as he had made no effort to make up for what hr said to me I was off and started to pack. He begged me to stay said baby I love and need you. 

His gramps came home Xmas eve and my BF was well stressed. I helped loads and Xmas day was shit be because his family are so dysfunctional and his uncle was taking the piss out of him, telling him to get a future. But my BF and I worked together and it wasn’t as bad as he thought. 

BF was drunk Xmas eve night and broke down crying about his family and his gramps dying. How he didn’t speak to his gramps for a few years as his gramps said he stole money off him.  

New years eve I went down but was Ill. I didn’t want to go out and told my ex it was ok for him to go. He did and I woke up cold so started to saw wood up and caught my leg on saw. It was a mess and I was upset so I phoned him and he come home pissed off and suggested I’d done it on purpose.  I told him that was stupid and he went back to the party. 

We drove up north new years day to spend time with my family. Everything seemed fine. We got back to his and I had to leave on 2nd jan to work.  As I left he just lay there stoned and didn’t offer to help me load car up. I asked him what was up. He said nothing don’t start again baby. He then said I don’t love you. Said we were finished again. I begged he said hes selfish and didn’t want relationship. Changed his mind then five mins later changed it again. Then as I was leaving to drive 100 mile changed his mind again and he wanted us to stay together. 

I drove off and called my ex (the one i was with for 8 yrs) who knew me well and calmed me down so I could drive home.  He said we were together for nearly 9 years and I was never possessive with him. He said he shouldn’t be saying it but told me to sack him off as he was treating me badly and I dont deal with uncertainty well. I didn’t listen. 

I went straight to work and bed in morning. I called my ex when I woke up fri eve and he was pissed in the pub. I said thought your gramps was I’ll and you never take me out. He dumped me again. 

I was in a right state, he told me I couldn’t go his gramps bday party then he asked me to go. I said no I couldn’t sit around playing happy families. 

On the sunday I logged onto his email for the first time ever. He had emailed a girl from his past on sat morning before talking to me asking her how she was and he had been meaning to contact her for ages. 

I phoned him up he denied it, i said your lying we have mutual friends on FB and she’s told her and her me. He hung up. 

He contacted me 2 days later and said he wanted to make a go of it with me and would be up at the weekend. 

The weekend come he was late. I text him asking what time he was arriving and I was looking forward to seeing him.  He called and said I’m on my way but have your stuff in my van we are finished.  I was in a state. He arrived chucked my stuff in the bedroom. 

I went mental at him for the first time in ages. Told him to calm down, grow up and show me some respect. I touched his arm and he swung round with his fist up and I fell over the bed. I thought he was going to hit me. He calmed down and said he had lost his head. Feels under so much pressure and me moving to his home town was just too much with his gramps and work too. He said he can’t handle stress and commitment. But he was committed to me, wanted to buy a house have a baby with me but he was terrified. 

I said fine I’ll buy my own home up here and we can carry on. He said he wanted kids with me blah blah. We had sex he went home and I went down the night after. 

Everything seemed fine, he worked I looked after his gramps in the day. Went shopping, cooked, cleaned only coming home when I worked. 

He was still distant I was seeking reassurance all the time. He never took me anywhere or brought me anything, paid for food. 

He was silent and sullen, I was sinking. His gramps loved me hated to going home to work and mitered about me coming back. 

When I wasn’t there he went out drinking I would point out he never takes me anywhere and he’d go moody and distant. 

The week his gramps died I stayed up everynight with him. The day he died we were sitting with his family and he gushed to his brother that he had asked his dad to pay for a holiday for his brother and his partner saying she had been the most help. I was gutted but didn’t say anything because I was scared of been dumped again. 

I didn’t go back diwn after work had finished, I needed a break and was sorting out my recent house purchase in my home town. 

I was happy relaxed proud of how well we looked after his gramps and looking forward to my house and my BF was going to help me. 

I had been out to the theatre that weekend u choice to not go down. When u got home I felt the urge to check his email.  Anyway he had joined benaughty and had a blank profile. 

I rang him, it was 3 am he said he had a look that was it. He said it’s the middle of the night I love you I’ll calk you tomorrow. 

He did he said their was nothing in it and he couldn’t understand my upset. 

I went down for the funeral and his dad gave my ex and his bros girlfriend £1000 each for looking after his Gramp. I got nothing not even a thanks and i did most of it  My ex said sound 4 golf weekends for me and didn’t look at him and he said it again. After the Fu real I told him I was upset, he’d promised me a holiday and was going to just treat himself. Baby he said I was only joking you really are too sensitive and I’m sick of treading on egg shells. I said what you take take take and give me nothing back. 

At the funeral his mum turned up and my 35 yr old boyfriend ran to her crying his eyes out. He looked desperate for his mums love and I realized she had no choice to leave her boys with their father. He had brainwashed them and they had a terrible relationship with her until they were both in their mid 20’s. 

His mum come to me and hugged me and said thank you for being great for him. You have been brilliant brilliant. My BF beamed and threw his arms around me. 

I tackled him over the dating site face to face and he said he was looking for porn and his mate had told him there was naughty pics. I said I don’t mind porn but do mind dating site. 

Over the next week things were mixed or I was waking up to him.  On our way out one night he upset me for berated me for walking out of the house before he was ready. After the BQ he asked me if I had his weed in my bag. I said no, so we had to go back. He turned and said I don’t want a fight but you were defiantly the last one to have it in a harsh tone. I walked off he pulled me back baby I’m sorry. 

The weed was on the seat he was using, he looked at me said sorry and walked of spewing. 

The next day he called me to the bathroom and said come here now. I went and he was standing naked with my hair he had pulled our of the plug. I told you about this, it’s gross. I said well I’ll have to stop bathing here then. He made light of it saying I could use the sink. 

We were supposed to come to my home for the first time in 6 months on the sat. But he was up before me and had treated himself to £500 golf clubs and breakfast. There was nothing in cause I had purposely stopped shopping. 

We came up Sunday and met my family and my brothers wives family and the little ones and had a lovely night. He said it was really nice and he couldn’t beleive all the families were so close and met up. I thought then he has issues about my loving functional family. He had accused me in the past of rubbing my nice upbringing in his face. As if I am a caring person. 

I came home on the Thursday and was tempted to pack and do one. But I felt tight on my BF. After all he kept saying he loved me. He was off with me on the phone that evening. There was loads of tension and I was feel very unwell anxious again. 

After my nightshirt I checked the dating site and it said he had logged on today. I called him and asked him he said he was trying to stop the emails. I said will you just deactivate the account. He said I’d have to show him. I said you wouldn’t like it if I was on there. He said no he wouldn’t. Then told me we were finished. Said he’d used me to look after his gramps. As far as he’s concerned when he dumped me in Jan I went crying to a dying man and his gramps pressured him to get me back. So he did for a easy life. I was shocked he said you don’t know me, I always do this. I’ve told you I’m selfish, your stupid and blind. I just cried and begged, he would listen and say all that’s well and good baby but we are over.  Don’t try to analyse this good bye. 

I tried to ring him back he didn’t answer so I turned to me family and friends.  

I told them everything from the start about how he would just pull my nipple and that was my cue for sex. He never presented me with a hard on, I had to do all the work. In the last few months I always deep throated him and he would then get in me hopk my legs around his neck and pump away till he come.

They have known for ages but I wouldn’t listen. My friend was like you’ve been abused. I feel sick. Have I really??  No surly not, he’s lovely and I’ve pushed him away with my anxiety??

My mum went mad and said if I go back to him she will disown me as will my brothers. 

I went NC with him, my mum sent him a nasty text saying he was a user. Pack my stuff up as she was cominng down for it. She said text me the postcode where u leave it I don’t want to see your lying deceitful face. 

He text her back saying it’s under the basement stairs and if she comes between one and five she won’t have to see his face. 

Mum text him back and said no take it somewhere else. After 2 yrs of love i deserved better and I had packed his stuff with the same love I provided him and his gramps. 

They went to fetch my stuff and take his load down. I completely forgot to send his dads partners painting. He text me within five mins of my parents leaving. It said “can you post Jennie painting down. I’ll send u a CHQ. 

It made me shake all over and I called my mum. She text him and said he’s not to contact me only her if anything is missed. She added dig yourself a hole and die. 

Everyone has said he’s nuts and been playing a game all along. Has he is he a phycopayh or something? Or have I  just drove a man mad with my anxiety and worry???

Please help make sense of this I’m going out of my mind.  I’ve not been sleeping or eating for months. My mum says my anxiety has never been as intense as it was since I met him. My brothers, dad friends tried to get friendly with him but he shunned them. My mum says this was part of his game. My friends say they come round and sport was always on and he wasn’t social like me and they felt uncomfortable with him. 

My ex of 8 years says it impossible not to connect with my family. 3 years after our break up he says he misses them more than me. 

Thanks

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Ps: while I looked through his emails on Jan one mate had mailed him in 2002 saying what’s this I hear of you in indo living with a girl and kid. He wrote back saying it’s cushty she’s got sky!!

Another one said he’d not had a nibble in weeks and he slept with a prostate in prauge in 2004. Said it was great and did his back in. I knew then he wasn’t the person he made out to be.

4 wks into our relationship he emailed a friend saying he was off up north at the weekend for my nieces (it was my nephews) christening, he was well into me, was moving up north soon to live with me as he thought it was time to change.

He obviously couldn’t.

I’m off for a STD screening Wednesday!!!!

I feel like a fool but still want to call him, but I’m trying to be strong.

Any advice on my situation?