Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
missmellyuk – your mum is one cool dude. We could all do with a mum like her. (((((LMAO)))))
There is no time limit on our recovery. Someone on here said that ‘getting better’ is like a river, sometimes running fast, sometimes slow, sometimes the healing river stops flowing for a while, there are twists and turns along the way……but eventually the river of recovery runs smooth and calm …………. it’s then that we find an inner peace.
I’m pathetic. I am sitting here at work, lone working, crying and wanting to contact it. I keep thinking this his his grief about his gramps who passed 4 weeks ago.
It isn’t though is it, he’s a heartless bastard and I bet he’s got someone of benaughty in his bed. ;-(
Since Xmas I’ve had flue twice, when I went back to hum after Jan dumping I broke out in hives when I went to stay with him. Ended up in hospital twice, the first day I went alone the second he had to take me because my body was swollen, red and sore and I could hardly walk. I remember him sitting next to my bed looking dark moody and pissed off. I lay there crying, thinking he’s spewing, I don’t feel loved.
Then in feb I got a tooth infection and my face swelled up. I was on so much pain and at home. I called him crying, saying I felt alone and wished he was with me. He sighed and said I can’t be at the moment baby cause of my gramps.
Now I have toothache again and I’m not due in hospital to have it out till the 18th may. I am so down, tired, mitered about If he misses me, is in a panic cause I’ve gone. If he’s crying for me and I’d he’ll ever realize he’s made a huge mistake.
I know your all right, I can’t let my family and friends down and keep putting them through the pain of seeing me hurt. I can’t let myself down either.
I suppose it’s getting a bit easier but ive not spoken to him for ten days and I do miss him. My mates say I miss the habit and its like giving up smoking, I’ve never managed that either!
This is pants, I’m off to the docs in the morning to beg for diazepam and a weeks worth of sleeping pills. I’ve upped my dose of citaloptam from 20 – 30mg the last two days.
I have my first appointment with phycatrist on Thursday. I made the appointment ages ago cause my ex was moaning about my anxiety and constant reassurance seeking. I was going to ask for a med review as the citalopram kills my orgasm.
I know my ex was shit and selfish in bed but my orgasms have gone. Can’t have one on my own!!!
I don’t know if I’ll ever trust anyone again.
I hate feeling like this and worrying he’s with someone else. Maybe the pdoc will work his magic on Thursday.
If my STD test results come back positive for anything, I’m going to drive down there and thrash him!!!! BASTARD!!!
xx
I feel exactly like yoi do tonighg, eww.
I feel like taxiing him asking him why he went out with me for 2 years. I’m in a right state this morning. I get of work at 8am and I’m dreading going home 🙁
missmellyuk, hang in there. Oh gosh, it must be hard when you feel unsure.
I felt unsure for the past 4 months on what was going on with us, and a week before every sordid betrayal of his came out I even was so mad at him that I told him myself, “you don’t care about me, this situation is over, and I’m not going to Nicaragua. It’s not your brothers fault of not telling you I’m to be operated in a couple of hours [on my knee]. It’s not my fault for not trying to reach you enough. It is your fault for never trying to read your mails or attempting to contact me.” A week later he said he was moving on with someone else. That closed the door for me on what I deserve as pure respect. He was just too infantile. The same week I learned he was with her already for over a month anyway and talked of going to England by the summer. Now I was more sure, that I would not want him back, because that showed he had kept me in reserve until he had hooked her, and that he was calculating. That he had another liaison in January and attempted to have that girl maintain a long distance relationship. By then there was no doubt in my mind left that he had not cared for me for several months already, and was able to fake it in his voice. And when I found out that he tried to meet up with his ex-gf, more than a year ago, while he was living with me here after a dispute, and at least I could have supposed a man with real feelings to be in love with me, then I knew he never loved me at all. That it had been fake from start to end.
There is no way he can convince me otherwise, nor can I convince myself. Even if I imagine the mask had stayed on for a while longer, I know that behind the mask was nothing, and I would have been his fool for just that longer. At least, no matter how painful it was to have his mask coming off so clearly, it helped me to accept within nothing but a couple of days, that it was over and there was no turning back. I have not missed him since two or three days after the mask came off (not even 2 weeks ago). I did cry twice over the idea that I wished it had been real, but again, that grieve already involves acceptance.
I think you need to find for yourself the reasons that can help you feel surer that he never cared for you at all, not even in the “good times”. He’s not a man who deserves you: that you know. But you still waver to the idea that maybe he might deserve you if only he becomes a better man. He has betrayed you and played you: that you know. But you still seem to cling on the idea that he might have had true feelings for you once.
Can you contact any of his ex-girlfriends? It might help to talk with them, first of all to serve as evidence that you were not the problem (not your insecurities, not your need), but that he is the problem. You might even get some support out of them: they know exactly how it feels and was to be with him. It might help you realize that the problem is so ingrained in his personality that he is unfixable. If you can recognize that for yourself, then you won’t even feel jealous if you were to find out if he is with someone else. You would feel pity and concern for the woman, because none of them can save or fix him, and you already know what’s waiting for her: a lot of bad stuff.
I understand you might fear finding stuff out about him from others. It will hurt, but not as much as your doubts hurt you at this moment. It might actually set you free, in a way your mom cannot, even if she’s absolutely right.
Oh yes Missmellyuk. I so get the bargaining phase. Again, using personal knowledge to apply to your dilema…. b/c I so know what you are doing.
In my marriage, I was just sure if I could reconnect to the times my husband did care about me, I could fix my marriage and have that “love” once again.
But no matter how I tried, it didn’t work.Why? B/c it was a con, a lie from hello to goodbye. The entire time, he was just trying to see what he could get, and when we were in synch where I was giving what he wanted, it FELT like love to me, but in reality, it was him exploiting the love I gave him and Milking me for more goodies. This explains why you felt there was love there at one time, but really… there wasn’t.
Your guy played the same pity card as My husband, that every girlfriend left him. Not true. Truth? He made life so miserable for them that they took their broken hearts and tried to find a hole to bury themselves. Eventually I left too, but only after woman after woman after woman thrown in my face, and him walking out the door when I objected to how he treated me. And yes, he told the next woman that he was such a poor misused misunderstood guy, even his wife left him…
Yep, I was SO selfish that Years later, I am STILL finding out about more betrayals and stuff done behind my back, done all b/c I wasn’t “understanding” enough.
Here’s the TRAP you are in now….The bargaining phase of denial is where we abuse ourselves using the scams and lies he put into our heads. When we stop abusing ourselves and tell ourselves the truth, and accept that NO GOOD person does this to another, then we know the direction to go seek a life without him.
Dear Missmelly,
The continual medical problems you are having are a result of the continual stress state you have been in with him…..and the flipping from anger to anger, rage to anger, to sadness….all is so normal.
For right now, stay NO CONTACT…and it will feel like the wrong thing to do, you will want to scream at him….SO WRITE A LETTER TO HIM, and then DO NOT mail it….burn it, tear it up, flush it, but do not send it.
Then Stay NO CONTACT for one more day….take care of yourself, and frankly, right now don’t worry about having an orgasam…just take things one day at a time, focus on your own good health, getting the infections, allergic reactions, etc. dampened down and starting to calm down some so that the high stress hormone levels start to go down some.
There’s no way you can change him, he is what he is, but you can start to take care of yourself. THAT’s the key right there, putting yourself first. (((hugs))))
Thank you girls
I have hardly slept today about 3 hrs, just ate some pasta and sorted my mortgage.
Phoned my mum crying and she went mad, saying she can’t cope with anymore.
I feel now that he just had enough of me seeking reasuranse and that’s why he’s finally finished it. His Gramps has just died and I’m moaning at him for not taking me out.
I was going to phone his mum earlier but my friend phoned and stopped me.
I feel like shit and have loads to sort out. Role on Thursday and my pdoc appointment. Hopefully he will give me something to sleep a
and calm me down.
I wish I could just forget him like he has me.
He doesn’t speak to ex’s he told me at the start when it’s over it’s over he said. What’s the point.
More like they don’t want to speak to him. I know nothing about hos past apart from he rented a house with a girl once and she kicked him out after a month, so he says. He told me that in feb 10 after he said he was leaving.
I don’t know how to pull myself together I wish I could. xxx
missmellyuk
Hi. We all feel for you and the heartache YOU are feeling.
It’s not about his gramps—.remember spath has no real feelings.
Ox is right, the illnesses you have suffered are because you are stressed out ”“ and it’s all of HIS making.
Many off us have been ill and spath has showed no compassion. They do not like us being ill, he’s not going to sit and mop your brow ”“ why should he? Because it’s all about HIM not you.
He does not care if you are crying. He does not miss you all he may miss is his ’supply’
Your family and friends are GOOD. Listen to them. They will get fed up of listening to you, and tell you to get over it. But you can’t. The pull to contact him is soooooooooo strong. Don’t do it. You deserve better.
If you talk to him now you will be back to square one, it will only lead to more hurt.
Drugs may be a short-term solution but you need to treat the CAUSE.
When you see the psy tell him/her that you believe your ex is a spath. It will help with your therapy.
There are more important things at stake than orgasms at the moment. Sex releases hormones that keep us hooked to spath.
You WILL learn to trust again but you need to give yourself TIME. I’m six months out and hell I’m still posting here!!
I’m having an HIV test this week. Why do they do it knowing that they are putting others lives at risk? Because they are selfish and don’t give a feck if they kill someone by passing on their STD.
You sound like a very smart person, hang in there:)
Dear Melly,
Right now you are in the “spin cycle” and you are suffering the effects of stress, HIGH STRESS….that is normal for what you have been through. It wouldn’t be “normal” if you did not have some AB-normal responses….like trouble sleeping and depression, probably some PTSD symptoms as well.
Been there, got a whole closet full of tee shirts and medication for it as well….but even with medication, there are things that WE MUST WORK THROUGH, the medication only helps us keep level enough to do the work, it doesn’t fix the situation or the grief, we still have to work through it.
It takes TIME and is PAINFUL, but in the end, it is worth it.
I think most if not all of us can relate to what you are feeling now, and having our friends and family NOT understand what we are dealing with, but you have made the first steps in taking care of yourself, seeing your psych doc and being NO CONTACT. Keep on reading there, there’s lots of good articles in the archives and they will help you to learn to cope. That and TIME. (((hugs)))