Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Oxdrover:
I agree with your theory. I can’t recall if I posted this website previously. But with your interest in animals and previous references to cows, rats, and well, ducks…check this out. I think it relates to what you are saying.
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/03/rat-game.html
Hi Beverly,
I am really glad your surgery went well! God bless and keep posting to let us know how you’re doing. 🙂
Oxdrover and findingmyselfagain,
That heroin comparison is so true! But the difference is if someone tries to quit heroin cold turkey, no one says to them “get over it already!” LOL
That’s the tough part in healing – its such a silent pain we deal with. No one “gets it” as they would if we were trying to quit drugs. You have to do alot more self-support rather than getting true support and understanding from others in your life. At least with drugs, you have a sponser that you can call when you are feeling weak~theyve walked in your shoes and can help you overcome the lure and desire to delve back into your addiction. With this, you are pretty much on your own as far as deep understanding of what you’ve been through – except of course for you ladies~ you all understand 🙂
findingmyselfagain,
I think that is right because when you (or anyone) breaks up with a normal healthy relationship or just an “ordinary” break up, you grieve but you get over it relatively quickly, and I’ve had those, so I know how they feel—but the addictive quality of the P=break up is the siren song that calls us back and back and back, remembering the HIGHS and forgetting the pain of the “being out of a fix” or “getting some bad shit” (to continue to heroin analogy.
It makes me wonder what is going on chemicaly in the brain when we get this SUPER HIGH from the P fantasy. What makes it a SUPER HIGH not just the “ordinary” high we get from any episode of falling in love. Wouldn’t that be interesting to know?
I loved my husband, I adored just being around him, and got a “high” just from his presence and the “hormonal honeymoon phase” was great, but I must admit it wasn’t anything like the “SUPER HIGH” I got from the P’s fake adoration. WHY? Beats me. But whatever it is I did get ADDICTED to it. It was tough to put it down.
That phenomenon is crazy really ~ Its like in my brain I know all the horrid reasons I dont want to be with the man (tho I am now getting over the desire much more) – but there is some little part of your brain, that even though you know full well you do not belong in a relationship with him, that little teeny part just doesnt let go. Maybe like a cigarette smoker who’s quit, gets a little smell of smoke and the habit whispers to you how good it would be to just have one.
I sure dont know either, what it is that brings the super-high. I guess for me, one thing was that he had me figured out SO well that he knew how to be the perfect man in my life on the surface. Not perfect to where it seemed silly, but perfect where you just felt like you finally found the right thing and how fortunate that was.
But then as the mask and shell started to crack and you begin to realize the depths of deception – it wasnt like a normal breakup with just any guy. It was a greater letdown, a disappointment to deeper parts of you that allowed yourself to feel so deeply towards him.
I still feel shocked to this day, that a human being is capable of being so two-faced. The ability to have no conscience is beyond my grasp. I dont ache for him anymore, but I still feel complete bewilderment that someone could pull one over– so cruel and mean– on someone that gave their all, loved deeply and for how often both of us stated how wonderfully matched to each other we were. Unbelievable.
This “addiction” thing I don’t think applies to JUST the male/female relationship, but to any relationship with any P. Finding out your mother is a P, or your father, or your sibling, or your child. It is the same betrayal, the same addiction, because you truly love them and expect that they love you in return. Finding out that they have NO concern for you, above an OBJECT, and facing that reality is devestating. To find out that a family member is malicious bursts the bubble of your addiction to them as well.
I’ve experienced a P as my parent, as my child, and with the X-BF as a significant other, and had a boss or two that I would bet the bank was a P, and done business with a couple of Ps, so I think I have about “seen it all”–and they are all devestating and crazymaking and “memorable” experiences. LOL
OxD-
It’s the objectification…my P r/s was not sexual, though he would have loved to get that, I STUPIDLY thought that he must really like me that he would just be friends with me. I know, I know- what am I 16?
Yeah- it was a huge loss when I realized deep, deep down I was USED. He’d be using me today. I still have to see the idiot and he still tries to use me for my connections, my attention. He tried today in fact. I have not spoken to him in 11 months= but he still tries to interact with me. He doesn’t get the fact me- the attention appliance- is broken. He taps to see…
I have mastered the blank stare. And I want to report- just to acknowledge somewhere….I officially DO NOT CARE, I have NO FEELINGS. I don’t even think I could muster up screaming unless he tried something new, or spoke directly to me. I have NOTHING.
He’s disordered, so sick he reeks. And now that he is desparate for attention, he literally walks about constantly and tries to chat with anyone, ANYONE. Thank God most people have the good sense to run the other way. He is lecherous I see it in vivid color now- I have nothing for him.
Why I ever did, I don’t know? I wonder who that person was, what she got from the P?
The addiction I don’t get, other than they pour it on- and I do think they have more testerone and the power of evil. I think evil is it really.
And the devestation we feel? Well, what crushed me was his insistence that I was crazy to have believed he wanted to be my friend, that I had imagined everything, that I was crap to be scrapped off his shoe. No one- save my parents in their neglect- has talked to me like I was less than human. No one, not a stranger, not a former boyfriend, no one- he knew me, I was more than kind to him and he disemboweled me with a dull knife. And then he smeared my reputation…
Yeah- I think that sums it up.
aloha; hi my situation is just like yours i am divorced married a s path alcoholic young , then recently had the relationship with the s path. now single and trying to get over all the hurting. my sister who is older than me is getting married in ten weeks and i am wondering how i am going to handle that day i am happy for her and she deserves this, but i am jelous and angry if i think too much about it like you but i feel very guilty for feeling like that so i am trying to be positive. it is hard i dont even know if i will have a date for the wedding, how awful will it be to sit there with all my relatives, we have a lot all on my own how depressing and i know how people talk i can hear them oh shes a lovely person but cant see m to keep a man dont know whats wrong with her. anyway i would be glad just to have a date for that day to make it bearable for me . but i am doing it for my sister and my parents they will be happy and so they should. mind you i dont think much of the guy she is marrying neither does my father but its her choice so i am happy for her. i just get mad at the world sometimes like you too. i also agree with all of you the sexual attraction is powerful but i think they try so hard to be good at it cause they know they have nothing else to give and no real depth. they use the sex to make us think hey this is so special, but i now think hey anyone can have good sex if they try that hard, sometimes mine was so passionate it did seem like an act its part of them getting you hooked. the addiction thing i also agree with but like you all i dont understand it either i think it is the flattery in part, and maybe just us wanting so much to be loved and they give us that, its just that false security feeling that they love us so much, but do they? i also think that when you break up with a normal guy you both after a while accept it and leave each other alone even if you remain friends they do get on with what they want and leave you alone. but the s path cant handle losing remember so he keeps it going after its over in some way sex or phone calls or whatever they keep the addiction going when it should be over and they should just move on and leave us alone but they dont they keep us in the loop in case they want to use us for something they need. so in doing this they dont let us get over it move on and forget them. i was after our break up trying to be nice and that was a big mistake firstly he didnt deserve that anyway and then it was me being nice that made it so easy for him to use me and hurt me allover again. its a game and they really think every one is at the disposal of them for them.it really is all about them, and if they are getting what they want and you are behaving the way they want all the time the relationship is working but when things shift or change or go against them they dont like it and things start to change for the worst. and you start to see the real man. hope this made some sense. the thing i hate is now i doubt nearly every guy and find it hard to trust especially when first getting to know someone new. kind thoughts to you all.
Aloha and Jules,
Not being “judgmental” or “critical” in any way of your feelings about your sister’s weddings, but both of you seem to be more worried about what “other people will think” about you being unmarried and your sisters getting married.
You have both “written the dialog” for what these other guests at the weddings will be thinking or gossiping about to each other to your detriment.
In reality, they will most likely be so focused on the bride that they won’t be thinking much about you at all, and even if they
DID think all these petty things? SO WHAT?
Just “being married” isn’t a “goal” for either of you now is it?
I realize that “feelings” are yours—but we can by “self-talk” change those feelings into more positive ones.
After my husband’s death, before I was involved with the P BF it was because my feelings and my self talk were “I’m old and ugly and ya da” and “no one will ever want or love me again” now 2+ years later, I am still the same person on the OUTSIDE but I don’t feel “old or ugly or unlovable” any more.
My physical appearance hasn’t changed, and I’m actually a bit older, and I still would love to have another life mate for what is left of my life, but MY FEELINGS have changed about not having a life mate. My THOUGHTS have changed. I don’t worry what other people might think about.
As I grew up my mother’s mantra seemed to be “but what would the neighbors think?” We lived our life, it seemed,, by other people’s judgments and opinions. Her greatest fear seemed to be what others would think.
I no longer FEEL that way—other people’s pity, or negative views of me–(spitting sound here)
Just like “getting over” the P takes time and EFFORT and doing what you know is best, even if it is counter to your feelings at the time (Like NC even when your feelings tell you to call him) you can change these feelings about what others will think about your sister being married and you not. And you can change your OWN feelings about your sisters being married and having something that you would also like to have.
Yes, I would love to have that life mate, but it no longer is the prime goal of my life to “find him”–I am living my life, and making myself happy and if he comes along, great, if he doesn’t, that is still great–my life isn’t dependent on having something or some one, or diminished by others having something I would like, or by anyone else’s opinion. I feel FREE and self sufficient maybe for the first time in my life.
There are lots of single women and men these days. Just look at match.com and see the 1000’s upon 1000’s. Somewhat I think the expectations to show up married is changing. Besides, many of the married couples secretly WISH they had a free, independent life like we do! LOL
OxD is right – we have alot of control over the image people will project onto us by our own self-esteem and showing up as a happy and centered woman. I find myself going to places alone lately alot. Girlfriends arent always free, as they are all married, have little children or pregnant and tired out already. I have a little internal pity party sometimes, as you look around and ‘everyone’ seems to be with someone. But reality is if I think about it, how many times I have been out with a guy, and completely in turmoil in my heart and head. Being free of that, be it going alone to something or not… I’d much rather have the peace of mind.