Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Oxy,
Yes… after googling ambient abuse, I have come to realize that apart from being betrayed, used for sex-prestige and money and fooled for ego-kicks, I have been terrorized by him in this manner of abuse. I remember what a strong independent woman I was before I met him, and a lot of it may have hampered at least emotional abuse, but when around him, and in generally, I have become too passive to my liking, hardly had any social life anymore (though I was starting to downsize that before I met him… wasn’t interested in superficially meeting people anymore). I have to be fair to myself and recognize that the ambient abuse may have more far-reaching consequences, which certainly involves stress and trauma.
To get an inkling of the damage done, I need to see my therapist of over a decade ago again. Not sure she is specialised in psychos, but she did group therapies with many people in id-crisis caused by incest, bad partners, etc. Tried to call her this morning at the hour her answering machine said I would need to in order to make an appointment, but no luck so far.
I agree on the learning to grieve. I was ever grateful for my parents owning cats. We always had just one cat. And it was the cat of the family, not just me. I was told the cat was not my responisbility to take care of, but that I needed to be its friend. Cats can grow old, and be there through several long periods of your life. And when it dies, for me it kinda stands for an ending of that previous life. We would then take several weeks or months to grieve but also feel joy for the happy perfect life it was able to have into old age. And then we would look for a new kitten, which was never a replacement of the one that passed away. Anyway, I always felt that cats taught me how to mourn in a healthy way. Since my parents were 30 and both the youngest children of my grandparents, most of my great-aunts and grandparents were already in their late 60s or early 70s when I was born. My mom’s mother passed away a month before I was born actually. So I went through many funerals of my older relatives around the age of 10. But for some reason the loss of daily companion in the house, like the cats, would be harder to overcome than my family.
My own first cat though I got when I was still living at my parents. He went to my own place, and was my sole daily companion as I lived single for 8-9 years. He died while I was traveling in the summer at my parents. While I knew I needed time to recover from the loss though, I still went out looking for a new cat to share my space with. It was just too hard to have the apartment for myself. It was too unhealthy not to have at least 1 responisbility in my life.
I saw my other cat in every nook or cranny as a ghostly memory. Instead of a fresh happy innocent kitten from a nest, I went looking for either an adult cat or at least a kitten of at least 3 months old. Their personality would be developed already, they would be more cautious, and we both would need our time to get to know each other. Eventually I chose Darwin, who’d been chucked on the street and was a scared wounded catsoul. It would take patience and lots of time to heal him, as much as it would take time to heal from the loss of Nelson. It worked out that way. After almost 3 years, he’s not even shy anymore to strangers coming over after hiding behind the curtains for 15 mins. He adores me now, and I regard him as not just my responsibility, but as my daily friend.
There are many tricks and ways to deal with the emotions of grief, including pushing them away, or even seeking comfort in other people. The most important thing though, I find, is that you always need to be very honest to yourself throughout. If I ignore my grief these days, then I know I’m just putting it in a box for a little while until I feel strong enough to cope with it.
The first week after the break-up 3 weeks ago, I had my mom come over and my best friend. We talked and listened. But then after a few hours I would tell them, I think I need to be alone now, to stop thinking and talking and just be and feel and cry. I didn’t want to burden them with my flashes of wrath. I came here. I feel less angry now, and more focused on my own healing process again, and got the info I needed to not lie to myself that I can be sure to recover from this quickly. There are wounds I have not felt yet, have hardly become aware of. And I will need to deal with them. The source of the stress may be gone, but it is like an echo, still lingering within my body to damage me some more.
It’s not my first break-up, and not the hardest one even for me. First their was the 5.5 year relationship I had as a student that ended with me going to therapy for ID-crisis. Then I met the inspiration of my life while I was headig straight for a sense-of-life crisis, and lost him too which only pummeled me straight into a reactive depression. I was so afraid of losing him at the time, and I showed it, and he was too fearful I would break into smithereens by being with him. And in the darkest hours of my life, as I was holding a strike against life, I found a light after I pleaded for something, someone, somewhere in the universe to help me and make the daily pain of breathing lessen. I climbed out of my pit in 2 weeks and in the months after I chose what I wanted to change in my life: become a teacher and a tourleader, and that is what I did in the year that followed. I also chose to love him anyhow and to believe that he loved me equally back. And he did. We have had the most quaint spiritual connection ever. He can write to me whole letters of proze about what is going on in his life, and it would just be exactly the remedy I need, and vice versa, without either one of us knowing what is going on in our lives. We are unconditional soulfriends and we love each other, including in a romantic way. We just know it can never be, because we live worlds apart and there is no compromise on it. For him to be happy, now that after searching for his calling for over a decade, he needs to be where he is. And I need to live my life here to be happy: my calling is here.
It took me 8 years though to trust myself and the reactions of men to heal from the loss. And I was finally over it, only to end up being hooked by my P. I actually had faith in my P in a way I had not felt for a long time, a faith I had not even dared to have for the love of my life of a decade ago. And I went with that faith, to have it all be nothing but deceit from start to end.
It is a weird contrast: the relationship with the love of my life never was able to materialize much, and is some platonic-unconditional-spiritual love, while the very much materialized relationship was all fake.
But at least I have that beacon: I have loved a true good man and he loves me back. I never compared my P to that love before, though I knew I did not feel as strong about him as I have done for my past love. But now that it’s over, I can and will compare. Some people say, “the next one…”
But I can’t think of a next one. I need time for myself now. The most I can handle right now are friendships.
Darwin’s mom,
Sometimes those “spiritual soul mate” loves can be healthy and rewarding, and sometimes we can’t seem to quit longing for more. Or one of the parties wants more and the lack of that “more” becomes very painful for them. My late husband (he died in an accident 7 years ago this coming July) and I were soul mate friends for many years before we married….we had almost 20 years together as husband and wife before his death. After his death I crashed (literally) and became very vulnerable to a bum’s rush from a psychopath looking for another “respectable wife” to keep his harem of GFs in line. (His wife of 32 years had caught him cheating, finally, and tossed him on his ear! LOL) I fell hard for him because I saw him as a “rescue” from the pain/grief of being alone, missing my husband, and feeling “old, fat, no one will ever love me again, boo hoo, poor me!” Well, that of course didn’t work out and after about 4 months the verbal started and the cheating…and took another 4 months to actually kick him to the curb, and then another 8 months or so to get over the grief and go back to grieving for my husband….and about that time the “summer of chaos” hit with the “attack of the psychopaths” which exposed the ugly underbelly of my family’s betrayals and resulted in me having literally to “run for my life”—-these last 3-4 years have been one long canoe ride in the river of healing, some rapids, some water falls, some floods, some eddies, some hidden boulders that poked holes in the canoe, some storms, ….but now coming more into peaceful waters finally. Now I can stop the continual paddling, stop baling water out of the bottom of the canoe, stop dodging the waves from the storms…and lie down at night for peaceful and restful sleep.
I’m glad you are taking time for yourself, time to heal and realizing that a “relation-shit” is not what you need right now. Too many times we (victims) will jump into a relation-shit thinking it will distract us, make us happy, relieve our pain, and in our hurry to be “over” the pain/grief, we jump from the frying pan into the fire itself….and rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, never really getting out of the pain or realiziing exactly what is causing it. Good for you.
Oxy,
Yes, it was very painful the first few years after I met that inspiring soul. I had no sexual relation for 2 years. Just couldn’t.
After that I had several short liaisons, that I usually chickened out of before any test on whether I or the other wanted to commit. In a way, I ended up having commitment fear as much as he used to have. Once, I got near that border, and ended up hearing the guy didn’t know who to choose: me or a girl who started to salivate as soon as she saw him. That he acutally considered her seems red flag enough about his ego.
Before I met my P almost 2 years ago, I was in complete peace with being single and possibly staying single. I had actually planned to go to a fertility clinic after I would return from my second surfing trip in Nicaragua to start a co-parenting plan with my best friend (who’s gay but would love to be a father). But I met P and shifted my life accordingly.
Through the years, I sometimes met Inspire. The weirdest about it was that no matter what time had come between it, there was never any awkwardness. We’d talk as usual within the first minutes, and we would both be sure it could be no more than half a year before we last saw each other. And though sometimes we joked and agreed that we would be physically intimate too, beforehand, we never did anymore. It might be too intense to handle afterwards, and neither of us wanted to put ourselves or the other through that painful period again.
I have written to my inspiring soul to tell him I’m back at a place where I’m picking up the pieces again, but have faith that I’ll manage, and to thank him that he exists as a reminder of having been truly loved. I talked to him almost a year ago, and was happy to announce me that he finally had found his calling (rebuilding forests in Cali) and felt the need to finally settle down, find a wife and start a family. He asked me then whether I was a mother already. Told him, “no, not at all.” I explained I was engaged, and doing the long distance thing all over. I told him about the good stuff as well as some of what made me doubt whether I was making the right choice. He was swayed more to the doubtful side, and said that very honestly, but said that he was sure that whatever would happen I’d end up on my feet again.
Haven’t really heard of him since then. I do think he might have found a woman to settle down with. Just a feeling I have. I hope he has.
I’m sorry that you lost your soulmate in death. It is so final, and a great pity.
Good morning, everyone!
I’ve been doing really well lately– couldn’t care less about what my ex-spath thinks anymore (the judging, opinions, bullying, etc). It really feels liberating to wake up in the morning and realize I just don’t give a damn anymore 🙂
The problem I face now is that I’m back in the dating world and realizing that I’m much more sensitive than I used to be. When I first met the spath, nothing could bring me down. I mean NOTHING. I was oblivious. When he insulted me, I just laughed it off and tried to kiss him. When he was rude to me, I’d just blame it on myself and forget about it.
No more.
I went on a date with this great guy (once a long ago friend actually) who just asked me out. We spent the whole day outside together and it was a lot of fun. He’s extremely attractive and very polite/funny/confident.
Before you ask… No, I don’t think he’s a spath at all. I’m not paranoid about that. He’s a very hard worker (harder than anyone I know), refuses to let anyone pay for anything, and has always had to earn his own success throughout his entire life. I’ve never met anyone who works harder for what he has than him, and it’s always been that way.
The problem with this (and now I guess I’m just venturing into the realm of dating advice lol), is that he’s sort of turned into a control-freak “no one can do anything right except me” argumentative kind of person. Where I ended up turning out all positive and lovey-dovey and getting simple joys out of things from life, he ended up more negative and rolling his eyes at those things. The workaholic in him is obvious, and it seems he’s forgotten how to go enjoy life. The automatic arguing thing is annoying too, since I’m just about the most agreeable person in the world.
Example:
Me – “Oh my gosh, I loved that waitress!”
Him – “She wasn’t THAT special…”
Little things like that, all day/night. Why? Why go out of your way to disagree with something so simple? Especially if it’s something nice. I know he’s used to arguing with his very strict/right-wing dad (since he’s gay, the whole coming out thing didn’t go over well at all), and he’s even specifically mentioned he loves being right and competition.
The thing that bugs me so much is that NONE of this would have ever bothered me before the spath. Never! But now I’m sort of raw and any unkind word sends a sickening feeling into my heart.
He’s already asked me on a second date, and I can tell he really does like me. That’s not a question in my mind. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever be strong enough to deal with a personality like that again.
So how do I view this? A blessing, that the spath gutted me from the inside out and brought out my most genuine self, so that I could only feel safe with a true, soft-hearted prince?
Or do I view it as a curse that I’ll never be able to join the ranks of strong-willed relationships again?
Also, do any of you recognize this personality type? The type whose dad thought nothing they ever did was good enough, so they become obsessed with always being the best? (and, ironically, turning out just like their dad)
And in your experience, can these types change? I don’t want someone to change their personality for me, ever. But if there is some underlying softness that could be brought out, then I might consider that there’s some hope for us.
Thanks 🙂
Dear New winter,
You summed it up completely “control freak” “negative”—-the only one who can do things right—-ditch this guy ASAP—don’t look back.
YOu need a control freak who thinks he can do everything better than everyone else like you need another hole in your head.
BIG RED FLAG!!!!! Waviing gaily in the breeze…..RUUUUUUNNNNN! He may not be a psychopath (and belive it or not some of them do workk hard) but people who are negative and control freaks are about as painful….and control is a lot of what ps are about too…
Don’t let One good trait, being a hard worker blind you to the other things that are important too, and I think you are bothered by it or you wouldn’t have mentioned it. GOOD PICK UP ACTUALLY, and when people show you what they are, BELIEVE THEM…control freak? Nah, don’t need em—negative downer people? don’t need them either….get out before you get hooked so there isn’t any significant pain involved.
ps—can they change? Maybe but they never DO…don’t try to rescue someone and make them better. Accept them as they are…and in his case that means RUNNNN!!!!
new winter
wow. someone who revealed deal breakers on the first date! So you wanna get involved with someone who’d rather be HIS VERSION of right than happy? BEWARE: Any one who “competes” with a partner to be right is looking to make them a LOSER.
if you can keep yourself emotionally uninvolved, date him for social enjoyment and a little companionship but this is NOT relationship material and def NO SEX.
Thank you Ox and Katy!
Yeah that’s what I figured. I need a kind-hearted guy who I can feel safe crying in front of, or sharing my views without having them made fun of or argued. Someone who can appreciate the simple joys in life, like a pretty flower or a happy kid 🙂 (he specifically commented on his dislike for both of those lol)
It’s too bad… The whole story seemed too good to be true. Old childhood friend wants to catch up, he turned out all handsome and great, and he has a work ethic and morals.
But when he told me about how he broke up with his ex of 2.5 years, that’s when my red flags started to come up. It was like it didn’t even effect him. He described the annoying ex crying and going through huge mood swings (like probably anyone would after losing a 2.5 year relationship). He continued to note the uselessness of being emotional, and how he has no regrets because every experience existed for a reason.
My input was: “Well, don’t forget that a little bit of kindness can go a long way, because no matter what your feelings are, if you are kind to him, then–”
he interrupted: “Then I win.”
….I was going to say, “Then that good energy will keep spreading everywhere, for him and everyone around him, even though he has been hurt.”
I guess we had two different views on the matter lol!
New winter – this dating is the pits. Well done you for spotting HIS faults.
NW =10
Spathy git=0
I noticed a guy recently eyeing me over a number of weeks at a local club. He asked me for a dance, chatty, funny. He went to the bar 3 times but he never offered to buy me a drink (ding dong) I asked one of our mutual friends what he was like and he said ‘a womaniser’. PING ..RED FLAG.
Then sure enough the following week he turns up with his girlfriend!! BOINK.
Dear New winter,
He sounds more and more like he is HIGH IN P-TRAITS at least….and he sure doesn’t sound like “relationship material” at all.
I wouldn’t even be “friends” with him, I’d just drift off in my own direction and be “too busy” if he calls….
I’m glad you started to see the red flags. Someone doesn’t have to be proven a full-blown Psychopath to be a NOT GOOD DEAL FOR US. Just 1-2 red flags is enough to make you back off and say, “wow, glad I spotted that before the relationship went deeper.”
What I use for a “ruler” are these. 1. Is he/she honest? (at the first sign of dishonesty—I’m gone) 2. Are they kind? At the first sign of being UNkind to anyone—I’m gone. 3) are they responsible—that means in all ways, have a job, pay their bills, do what they say they will, keep commitments etc. 4) are they compassionate?
Sounds like this guy isn’t kind, or compassionate and you need someone like that in your life WHY? LOL
Good job on spotting the red flags!!!!! That is what learning about them is all about so that we can spot them early on and avoid an entangement with them that gets emotional.