Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
You know, it’s so weird, I’m actually sort of happy all of this happened. My eternal blind trust of everyone and everything did feel nice, but the whole spath experience taught me something great about myself: I really am a catch and I deserve to be careful and selective about those who I choose to give my love.
I think this is the type of lesson that I would have eventually learned way too late (like after I was married) and then discovered I truly wasn’t happy.
The whole spath experience taught me to grow up a lot faster, and I found my true self at age 22, which I think most people don’t find until a lot later in life. I guess having your entire heart/soul ripped out leaves you with no choice but to rebuild from scratch. And when you do that, you start to really understand what makes you, YOU.
Thanks Candy and Ox again 🙂
Womanizer… Denied! I can tell this guy is used to men falling head over heels for him, because he is really cute. I think I’m actually confusing him by being so slow and not-forward with him.
Ox,
I definitely don’t think he’s a spath — no love-bombing, seems self conscious for sure, and actually seems excited about me (not obsessed, just excited about finding a fellow hard-worker). But I think his childhood conditioned his emotions away, rendering him pretty similar to one.
1) He is honest with me, 2) He isn’t kind… This is where I started to feel that sick feeling in my heart 3) He is extremely responsible 4) he has no compassion
2 and 4 are my biggest problems. I could never work with someone like that. I’ve felt more emotion after ending relationships with guys that I knew for a month. People should feel bad when they hurt someone else’s feelings. They should want that person to be happy and remember them in a positive light, by doing something kind. Not complaining that they cried because the relationship ended
I’m so happy I found this site and you all, and am finally starting to realize I’m allowed to be picky, if only to find someone NICE 🙂 Sheesh, shouldn’t be that hard
Dear New winter,
Being PICKY IS GREAT! You deserve the best. Any of us could find someone and be Married by morning if we were willing to lower our standards enough….you know, I have no intention of going down to the local wino shelter and picking me out a man just so I can say I have a “relationshit”—I dont’ think you want that either! LOL But you know…I deserve the BEST and so do you, and I am not going to settle for less. I hope you won’t either.
Applause for New Winter!!!!
new winter, he almost sounds aspergers. think it so?
Oh my god. Why??
Ive just looked at his FB and he’s taken all my friends off and made friends with a right slutyy looking woman.
I’m in a right state again now and want to call him. I can’t stop crying ;-(
Help I really want to call him x
missmellyuk
sounds like you are being erased. been there on that one. classic spath.
if you call him, what do you expect to happen? you’ll give away your dignity and he can’t change who he is…. he’s behaving in line with his character.
ps GOOD reason to go NC girlie, it also removes HIS ability to continue to hurt you.
New Winter,
he’s a narcissist. not a spath.
A spath would mirror you and you would be here telling us how you found the love of your life, your soulmate, he helps little old ladies and loves kittens.
it would go on ad-nauseum. That’s a spath.
A narcissist is insufferable, is always right, etc… world revolves around him and he knows everything. He does make you feel bad about yourself, but he does this subconsciously, especially the younger ones.
A spath makes you feel good about yourself, really, really good, then puts you on the pedestal, you know, the one with the jack under it. Then he jacks it up and up until you start to get vertigo. Then, when you least expect it, usually after asking you, the great god on the pedestal, for a huge favor for poor little him – he pushes the pedestal down and you break every bone in your body during the crash. that’s a spath.
hang up the phone melly. no good will come of it. he will know he was able to abuse you once again and you will NOT get what you want.