Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Eva, are you attacking me? B/c it seems like it.
Melly,
Sugar NO CONTACT is hard at first, it is like a person quitting drugs or cigarettes or alcohol…like an addiction….but it is the only way that we can STOP the pain, the continual injuries that they give us.
Each time you go back even to look at his FB page etc. or get information about him, you reopen the wounds and they hurt more.
So as bad as it is, I promise you it will get better, but the No Contact (NC) is very important.
All it will accomplish is to hurt you more….prolong the pain, and wound your spirit.
He does not love you. That is not your fault, it is not because you are not lovable, it is because HE IS UNABLE TO LOVE ANYONE.
YOU are NOT the failure, you are able to love. HE is the failure…a failure at having normal human emotion and normal human bonds.
He knew you wanted to hear the words about love and home and baby….so he used those words (empty lying words on his part) to lure you in, to hook you like a fish on a line…he got what he wanted now he is done with you…he does not care that you suffer or suffered…he cares only for himself. He will treat the next woman, and the next as badly as he has treated you.
You don’t feel it yet, but God has blessed you by getting this lying sack of dog doo out of your life. Give it time, and he will be out of your heart as well. God bless (((hugs)))
Katy, i’m not attacking you. Maybe it’s my lack of English that makes it difficult to express shades of meaning. No, i’m not attacking you. I just tried to mean that saying somebody who is very row “you have to” perfectly could not work out because you have to doesn’t mean you can because we’re not robots. But it’s just my point of view and some people apply to themselves the “you have to” quite quickly.
Katy
Thanks for your support. I know what you mean, I am full of infection, green snot and bad chest. He’s responsible for it. My friend gave me some Diazepam yesterday so I have been taking them and put my citaloprM up to 30 from 20 mg.
Going to get a massage soon. Got STD tests tomorrow I am praying I don’t have anything.
I am calmer now. Going to try to sleep. Got a busy day tomorrow. Got to have a bath, going to do my hair and make up.
Thank you so much for your support and Im sorry you’ve had to go through this too.
Nite xxx
Thanks ox. You’re all stars on here. No one else understands. E eryone wants me to get angry, but it’s not in my nature xx
Applause for Melly!!! It was hard, you were in a panick, but you came here for support to help you stop doing what you are starting to accept is not healthy for you. Hang in there, girl, and I wish you a good night
Thanks xxx
Eva,
Still confused. Where did I write the words “YOU HAVE TO” ? IF you reply with the time sig of that post, I’ll look it up to see in what context I would have used those three word and explain myself.
Katy, it just seemed to me you were a bit hard but now i see missmellyuk was really histerical in her posts.
I suppose i felt pity for her because she is still fixed at her idea of what he promised two weeks ago, which means she doesn’t understand yet what she’s dealing with.
Eva,
Always, please offer your guidance as well. Few of us know each other offline and personal so what one person connects to may be different than what works for another. I felt HUGE empathy for MissMellyuk and I agree it will take time to understand what she is dealing with, but she does know what he did and that NICE GUYS don’t do what he did.