Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Katy, guidance? I’m learning too. For me this is also relatively new. It’s really difficult to explain these bugs and i think your guidance is good, you really have experience with this disorder, however, i detected or rather accepted it kind of fast that he was a chronic non nice guy. I wonder why i didn’t keep in denial longer, taking into consideration he came back quite interested. Maybe after all the hard one is me LOL
Eva,
It only takes ONE spath to make us experienced enough to help another. Sad isn’t it. I consider myself beyond my husband’s ability to abuse me and no longer break down sobbing without provocation… but the moment I think of him, my soul still cries.
Hi Eva,
I think everyone goes through the stages differently, especially depending on their own existing self-esteem, in how far there are previous experiences that once it’s over it’s better really over.
I pretty much accepted after 2 days after my P’s mask came off that he was a P and that he never cared for me at all. I believed it for one day that there had been love from him for the first year only for 1 day. I also knew instantly as soon as it happened, that I never deserved such a shit treatment and that I would not be chasing him to convince him to treat me otherwise. My respect of him was instantly gone. It’s because of the shape I was in before I met him as well as relationship experiences: 1 other short experience with a narci that I kicked out the door, and while my other relationships failed, at least they were decent guys.
But in another stage in my life, I might not have seen so clearly, and it might not have been so easy. Before I was 30, I found it hard for myself to be resolute and would doubt myself as being the cause. My own belief in romantic-movie love died when I was 29.
Melly has a lot of self doubts. For her the idea that she destroyed the relationship with her neediness is still a real possibility.
Melly, yes, sometimes insecurity and neediness scares off men. But a decent guy would not be a jerk about it. He would back off, respectfully, without even blaming you. He would say, “Sorry, I don’t think it’s gonna work out between us,” and not come back on his words. It’s painful, but respectful. And if he does love you, he will try to reassure you.
When a man doesn’t love you, even when a decent guy, then it’s not you who’s missing out, but they are.
And a jerk will blow hot and cold about it, make you feel even more guilty instead of reassuring you, will do anything to strike a dagger into your anguished heart to show you how much he disrespects you. The jerk and the freaks do not respect you to begin with, and never will. And the more you try, the worse they become. The sole thing you can do in such a case, is respect yourself, and leave the jerks to blink in the dust as you leave them behind.
I’ve listened to “Creep” from Radiohead a lot recently. It hits the nail right on the head for me.
Katy,
Seems that’s what they teach us: to keep calm despite they chaos they provoke.
By the way, i got rid of the romantic psycho but seems i missed some lesson or something and now i have to learn how to get rid of the aggressive without mask type.
Psychos are the worst among the worsts types of human being, still i consider it a priviledge to have this knowledge so i will be able of avoiding them consciously. I think we all are under the influence of psychopaths but few people know it.
Now i have to sleep but i’ll return to provoke you 🙂 Have a good evening
Eva and Katy and Melly,
it took a long time for me too, to understand the PD that is the cause of these behaviors, which targeted me. One day, I finally understood, that there is a part of me which attracted these behaviors and it is the part that was programmed by my parents, who were narcissists.
Then one day, I came to realize that this problem is a WORLD WIDE PROBLEM. There are spaths creating drama on a GLOBAL SCALE. I’m not the only one suffering. All the drama that you hear about is SPATH-CAUSED. except for the weather changes, but you KNOW, they jump on THAT bandwagon too!
here’s a tidbit to raise you out of the “But it happened to ME!!!” mind set.
http://www.youtube.com/user/crabbydogtrix#p/a/u/1/G-gtz6RLmp4
it’s everywhere.
Thanks for your support last night. He really is a bastard isn’t he, I need to remember that.
I am in shock, he had hundreds of friends requesting him on fb but he’s added none of them, just this slut thing. Guess that shows what he’s like, a sick puppy. You know what no one none of his friends or family know what he’s like.
I hope o feel better soon.
Thanks again he’s made me feel like a burden to everyone I suppose and the last seven months have been horrific.
STD testing today xx
Hey MissMellyUk and others:
I read comments by Jesse James this morning. He’s the ex of Sandra Bullock. He says he learned his lesson about himself and the cheating thing. He learned he “needed to stay away from high profile people and hang only with his peeps, that is PEOPLE WHO DON’T JUDGE HIM”.
Such a prime example. I think this matches one of the attitudes of MY spath, that he may have done some stuff but it was ME that was wrong for judging him. The std’s he gave me, the financial frauds, the impossibiity of being able to plan my life b/c EVERYTHING was a lie…. that was ME being “judgemental”. After all, we’re all human. We all make mistakes. So who am I to JUDGE him? That’s Jesse James attitude towards Sandra Bullock. Good for her that she cut her losses rather than try to “work it out” as I did. Boy was I a chump.
Jesse also reminded me of your situation MissMelly… he had a good woman. Instead of remorse… he immediately jumped into the bottom of the barrell and got himself a skank. Kinda affirms dumping him outta your life and proves what he was all along, a bottom feeder.
&$#@.......!!!!!!
ps Anybody who ascribes to the “judge not lest ye be judged” needs to include the rest of it. Taking this bible passage out of context is what the spaths do.
.
Hi all
I’m back again!!
Got my tests done today, the doctors were worried about me as I was drawn, had no veins and was full of infection. I broke down having blood tests.
Drove to Manchester for lunch with a friend, the first thing I have had to eat for ages and then come home and played with my brothers 2 yr old boy for an hour. Then went and spent time with my niece and sister in law.
Come home and feel a little more positive, beginning to hate the bastard. My family hate him and my sis in law said it is all so wrong of him. Not to look at Facebook, which I haven’t and won’t again.
As for his dads partners painting they are expecting me to post down to them; they can get stuffed. They all have cars, they can come and fetch it and I am getting it valued this week and if it is worth a couple of grand I am going to sell it and keep the money. That family and my ex have used me, how many families would allow theirs sons girlfriend to look after their gramps, dad when he’s dying ofd lung cancer and not even say thanks??? Bastards
My ex and his bros girlfriend got given a grand each, I stayed up for 7 nights with him. My life for 5 months was coming home, working nights, driving straight down there in the morning after my third shift and then looking after Gramps and my ex. Shopping, petrol money and I earn £20 per hr for my nursing job. So the money from the painting is my wages.
I’m feeling angry today, really, really angry.
I am away at the weekend with my family and a friend, I’m looking forward to it. Missed all last years get togethers because my ex wouldn’t go!!!
Cried twice today, but made myself stop, keep saying he’s not worth it and as for thinking about him and other women. Well it hurts like hell he’s looking already, but so what. If thats all he can do, its his problem and hes a crap shag anyway.
I have picked my puppy today, given notice on my flat and need to get sorting all of the stuff that comes along with it. I need to keep my pup at my mum and dads or nans until my house is ready, so I will move in there and put my stuff into storage.
I am about 5k short for what I need to renovate my house, so next week I am going to get myself out there and earn it. Just like I was until that loser pulled me off my path and onto his shit sitting in a shit hole flat smoking weed or going to the pub!! Knob head, I hate him.
Really want him to come begging one day,, so I can tell him to F***off!! lol, I doubt that will ever happen, although he has my spare Audi key, I might just get my solicitor friend to sort that one.
Got my Pdoc in the morning, so going to bed now.
You girls are ace and have really really helped me. I dare say I will have a few more terrible I want to phone him days over the next month. Its comforting to know you are here to stop me, seriously youm saved me the other night.
Nite nite all
Melly xx
PS: I even washed my hair and put make up on and a positive out of all of this, I have lost a bit of weight. My trousers are not tight anymore. 😉
Can’t lose no more though, I used to be so fit, so once I get my puppy I can start getting fit again slowly.
My mum says next time I meet a man, tell him she owns my house and I just rent it from her. She’s right, I reckon my ex has helped me spend about 4k of my savings looking after him and his gramps, tosser!!!