Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Who know why he told, bluejay?
I don’t know why my ex pointed out a sliver of a condom wrap that I wouldn’t even have noticed or recognized in front of our door last summer, and then say it must have been some prank from the guys downstairs. Hadn’t he pointed it out what it was, I’d never have noticed the second time a couple of weeks later a similar wrapping lay in front of our door again. I guess what it means now. Was it stupidity of him? Was it some cover up in case I would notice the piece of wrapping ? Or was it to enjoy the fact that he could point me out a hint of his infidelity and I’d still be unsuspecting?
darwin – my x did the same thing with the condom – layed it out in the barn and accused me of doing something> It’s a form of crazy making for them, they enjoy it. my x had a way of cheatin right under my nose and I would question my sanity instead of his…and YES he made hint’s of who/what/when/where and then confess undying love, in the same breath. it is emotionally impossible to suspect deceit and feel pity simultaneously, the mind can only do one or the other, until it explodes anywho..
Yeah, he first asked me what it was doing there, and asking me whether I had someone over that night. But he said it jokingly. I had forgotten all about the things. Only past week the memory of them popped back into my mind.
And now I recall how the main guy from the reception at least pulled a prank with him. He was a nice guy and I think he felt sympathy for me, and just kinda wanted to show some support some way. One time he said to x that in the few hours he’d been off at night to party that I had a lover over. He mimicked x’s initial look on his face,before he figured out they were pulling his leg. I thought it an innocent prank at the time, supportive in the fact that he wandered off so often. Now, I even appreciate the joke even more.
delete – i have said it all before.
To Darwinsmom on May 15:
You are so right when you say literally withdrawal. I have been going through withdrawal for nine months. I know it’s a long time. I am working on it and am doing better, but this is tough. Ugghh. This man was truly a lie from hello to goodbye. Wow, why would I fall for someone that was a total lie? He totally love bombed me, but I do have to say he never really “lied” to me. He more so told me the truth and I heard it, but didn’t process it. MissMellyUK…you might be able to understand this…he is English and we both live here in the US. I have never, ever felt this way about anyone in my entire life. It’s like he put a spell on me. He’s from Liverpool originally (Beatles charm and wit), but then lived in Manchester. He’s unbelievable. I have never met anyone like him and know I will get over him eventually. I am working on it hard and am better than I was. Please give me any advice you can…please…x
Hens, Your words are always wise, insightful and sometimes wickedly funny. Sorry you deleted b/f I saw your message.
More of my thoughts on Arnold and Maria. I wonder if he continued the affair after the pregnancy… the other woman was right there all these years, retiring only when Arnold step down from the Governorship. The timing of the ow retirement is suspicious in itself.
I wonder if Maria was typical of us, smart, outgoing, successful and knew who she was, that she was WORTHY. So when her handsome husband swore that women said things, accused, and threw themselves at him… well all that is true… but like so many of us… the bit that made all the dif was left out, specifically that he was a CHEAT.
I’ll bet the revelation really threw her – that he played her that badly and for all those years. I bet she really believed him, even though some things didn’t add up, and he could be an ass, and the perks of office got to his head, but as a Kennedy she understood how perks get to someone… and once they are gone, people come back to earth… and I think she loved him in spite of not being what he should have been, and made excuses for his thoughtless playboy antics while governor. In other words, I think Maria discovered her husband was a love fraud stereotype, and just goes to show, no one is immune, no matter how WORTHY She is.
KatyDid:
I agree and I believe OF COURSE he was still continuing the affair with this woman. I think until we start realizing what these men are all about, we will always be taken by them. I am not saying ALL men are like this, but a majority of them are and we just need to heed the signs. I do have to say though…of course Maria loved him. We can love someone because they absolutely do have good qualities along with the bad qualities. People are normally not total monsters so we love the good with the bad. No one is perfect. I guess it all boils down to how much you want to put up with. Just like this with Arnold and Maria…Maria could have found this out and still decided to stand by him, but this was obviously too much for her to handle. I guess we all have a point where we draw the line. And who knows…she may have suspected this child was his for a long time. We don’t know…is it a boy or a girl? Does the child look like Arnold? If the child does resemble him, there may have always been suspicions. Hmmmm…
not only did he hurt his wife but his children, i just saw on niteline where his 17 year old son changed his facebook name to shriver instead of wartsforever. Arnie is a politician and a hollywood ‘actor’ are any of us really surprised? I think maria has known ‘something was not right’ for a long while.
katy – was this other woman a legal worker? on the news they say a picture of the ow and child would be worth about a million bucks, can you imagine the popa rotsi lookin for that poor kid….
Erin B you out there? meet me in california, bring your camera…