Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
I think the conversation about memory is really interesting, too.
Memory and trauma are intertwined in fascinating ways.
A couple of days ago, I mentioned a book by Margurite Duras. It would be the perfect book for a course in Trauma Theory.
What facinates me about this book is the function of memory.
She is a victim of trauma inso many ways, and she is recounting the story of her first erotic experience, at the age of 15. She is telling it from memory, and is telling it from the perspective of an old woman. You can hear the denial and the dissociations in her voice. She tells her story as if she was the one in control. As if, she was the strong one, who was seducing and using her lover.
My point is this: It is probably the only way she can remember it…remembering herself as a victim is probably too much.
I just went on line and googled, “trauma, and memory in Literature, and read an essay about one of her screen-plays, “Hiroshima, Mon Amour”, and the author asserts a lot of my own perceptions about her work. That just feels good. It is validation!
Kim I have read several books lately about memory and that our memory is SELECTIVE and it is NOT just a “tape recording” or vid of what actually happened, but an EDITED version with parts snipped out and deleted almost at random….so even in people who have GOOD memories there are HOLES….and the brain keeps what it considers relevant and alters things it doesn’t like (using its own ego as a “filter” to decide what to alter) and stress doubly alters our memory by giving us TUNNEL VISION…like my memory of the airplane crash….my son D was only 3 feet from me, but I did not see him. I was frantically looking for him but couldn’t see him.
Yes, our memories and our mental processing is very interesting, and how we “decide” from two different stories which is “true” is also interesting, and one thing that has been proven in research is that people once they have made up their mind will FIND “evidence” to support what thye WANT TO BELIEVE….that is why we are so INVESTED IN BELIEVING the psychopath’s story and lies….we WANT to believe them so we look for evidence to back them up, and don’t notice evidence that shows they are lying.
EVEN AFTER WE KNOW the TRUTH, we can easily get sucked back into the FANTASY beliefs….that is why NC is so important — that we are not sucked back in and re-hooked.
I think that is why I have set such RIGID criteria for allowing people into my inner circle of trust….ANY form of dishonesty is an automatic ZAP, and those closest to me have been told about this criteria, and as far as kindness goes, people who are DELIBERATELY unkind, lack compassion for someone, or are not RESPONSIBLE….what do I need any person who is dishonest, unkind, lacks compassion or is irresponsible for? I can’t think of a single thing they would improve my life in any way.
It is pretty SIMPLE when you get down to it….if you eliminate the people in your life who don’t fit that simple criteria then you will eliminate the trouble makers whether they are Ps or not. Someone doesn’t have to be a psychopath to be a trouble maker or to cause problems in your life.
Of course there are situations like with MiLo where she is required by law to allow her P-dtr to visit the grandson she has custody of, but MiLo doesn’t trust this dtr, doesn’t let her “get to her” emotionally, and is doing the GRAY ROCK tactics….FAD has to co-parent with the jerkface, and nothing she can do by law as far as going NC but by doing GRAY ROCK she is making some progress, though he still does upset and frustrate her, but she has made a ALOT OF PROGRESS in the last couple of years.
There are many other people here on LF who have made “significant progress” in NC and Gray rock and Potted plant, and are putting up emotional walls against the Ps even if for one reason or another they can’t put up REAL walls between themselves and the P by going NC.
I am really proud of how much progress how many people here are making and like a lot of us Kimmie, they were crazy as out house rats when they came here…but now they are making progress and giving good sane and applicable advice to others. Can’t beat that with a stick.
I realize my memory is skewed in many aspects…some times it has to be I think because the FULL TRUTH would be more than I could bear….and the EMDR therapy (rapid eye movement) helped to disconnect the emotions with the visual memories somewhat…especially of the aircraft crash.
I also realize that whatever happened, what I “remember” is what is true for me…so that is what I have to deal with. The same with other people as well.
But I remember one time when I worked night shift at a 7-11 and a guy came in to rob me, I TRIED to remember him, but by the next morning I couldn’t remember if he had any facial hair or not, I could only remember he was a white male with dark short hair….I wouldn’t have been able to identify him if he had bitten me….as much as I tried, I was too scared to recall much about him even though I tried to.
Bought me a new set of telephones today. One of the old handsets was cracked because spathboy had a rage attack and threw it agains the wall. For three years now it has been a reminder everytime I saw it. Well I just carried it out to the trash and had a great idea on the way, I took my hammer and beat the smitherrings out of it, felt good. Slowly gettin rid of all triggers…the bed is next on the list..i am gonna have one hell of a bonfire when I do that. just saying…..
Dear Hens ~ Good for you!! That sounds like a wonderful way to let out some of that leftover frustration/anger from that spath creature.
I LOVE a good bonfire! Let’s have a bed-burning party, shall we??
I’ll bring the marshmallows for roasting. 🙂
Dear Hens,
I understand your feeling about anything that he touched (slimed) I got rid of the recliner that my P-X-BF sat in, I didn’t like that chair much anyway…and there is nothing here that reminds me of him.
Got another one at the auction that is really cool. It is a leather Danish modern (to go with my antiques) with a foot stool, and cost $3500 new (looked it up on the internet) The sofa to match is $7500 new, but I only paid $100 for the chair and stool. It is soooo comfortable and is brown leather. I like a good bargain!
Speaking of that….your duckie children are really growing now, eating regular pellet food now I’m not having to grind it any more. The eggs should start hatching off about the 28th of the month, so far 8 of them look really promising so we may have 12 children together—an even dozen. Maybe by then I can let the older children down on the ground and keep the tom cat out of them. Hee hee
I can’t wait to start counseling on Monday. I am having a really hard time handling my life right now. I still can’t get situated with work yet and I had another panic attack today and cried most of the day. I feel like I can’t handle it anymore and I keep praying but nothing is changing. If something doesn’t break and a miracle happens, I’m gonna lose my house at the end of the month-which also means all my wordly belongings-since I won’t have anywhere to put them.
Dear Nolarn,
Let’s look at things logically. Are you renting or buying?
If you are renting, you should call your land lord and talk to him/her and tell them that you have lost your job but that you are going to get one and taht you are sorry the rent will be late.
If you are buying, call your mortgage lender and tell them the same thing.
It takes TIME for them to toss you out and you usually have from 90 days to more before they can get you out….so, hopefully by then you will be able to come up with the rent or mortgage payment.
As for your stuff….check around for a SMALL rental unit that you can rent to put your most precious stuff in—then if and only if it looks like you WILL LOSE your place to live, put a sign out front and have an “estate” going out of business sale and take whatever you can get for the stuff you don’t have room to store.
You will if necessary be able to replace furniture at a used furniture place or an auction…later at reasonable prices. Sell whatever you can get rid of quickly. Keep only a BARE minimum like 2 sets of sheets for a bed, 2-3 towels, a service for 4 dishes and a few pots and pans, sentimental items, a TV, radio, pillow and a blanket or two and a minimum of clothing. I think you said you had a pick up truck…see if you can find a cheap camper shell to go over the back and put your stuff in there with money you make from the garage sale. If necessary, you can live in the back of your truck….My 2 kids and I lived in the back of my truck for a summer after my divorce in 1980….you can safely park in a wal mart parking lot and sleep on a foam pad in the back…you CAN SURVIVE….use your head and don’t panic.
The more you focus on what you don’t have, the more you focus on something or someone bailing you out the worse it will be. The counseling may help, but it isn’t going to FIX THINGS immediately….
You are a smart woman…you are an RN and you have handled emergency situations before, you say you want to be a cop…you need to get a grip girl friend! And you can! Look at things logically instead of in a panic…YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF. You must save yourself. (((Hugs))))
Oxy-thanks for those things to do. I am renting and my landlord has known about my job loss since it happened in February. My job said they should know by tomorrow when I can get my first orientation shift at one hospital so I can be scheduled for shifts. I am waiting on the big hospital system to hold another orientation. Their last one was on 4/29-right before I got hired. Once I get into their orientation I should have pretty many opportunities.
When you’re living in your car, how do you shower and clean up? It gets ridiculously hot here w/o AC?
YOu go into a wal mart store bathroom…you use a plastic bag with soap and water in it and you bathe one part of your body at a time in a stall, or you can go to a koa park or someplace like that and pay a daily fee and they have shower houses, or a state park, etc.
YOu just use your head and make do….you can wash your hair in wash basin inside your truck…I got to where I could wash my hair in less than a half gallon of water….
If you are not already behind in your rent, you can stay there in the apartment until the LAW throws you out….which will take 90 days or more depending on the area…your land lord may be mad, but what the heck, you will probably have a job by then….so just be up front with him and tell him you will catch up when you get a job. As a former land lord I would have been reasonably understanding of the person was up front and had been prompt with the rent in the past. So…you do what you have to do and if it is stay there til he gets a court order for you to leave that will at least let you sell a few things to catch up on some cash to live on, buy gas and so on…buy a camper shell or whatever (watch the paper for one advertised used)
You are no dummy Nolarn, so use your head….you find a way to survive, you don’t just lie down and pith yourself. as Erin B would say PUT ON YOUR ADAMANT…HELL, she has kids depending on her for food and a roof, if she can do it so can you!
Sure it is scary to be broke….to live in your car/truck…but we do what we have to do to survive. GEt out there EVERY DAY and apply for every job there is in the paper or anywhere…call the health department, call every nursing home, you can find a nurse job SOMEWHERE IN N.O. area nursing homes aren’t the best place to work, but they are usually asking, begging for nurses and especially night shifts, so get on the telephone. Get dressed up and go walk in the door. BEAT THE PAVEMENT to death. Wear out your shoes!
nola – at the ymca or ywca – you can usually get a reduced membership (when i was unemployed i paid $13 a month). that way you could go for a swim AND shower every morning. 🙂
when i lived out in the country for awhile in an old trailer that had no services i used to cart water around in 5 gal lidded pails that i got from restaurants, and the same with waste (one tallll chamberpot!). I wish my truck was still alive. i would be living in it in a flash. i’d do it for a few months just so that i could get out of the city and not have to pay so much rent.