Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Superkid,
My God it’s obvious my English needs improvement…
It’s me who asked him questions about psychopathy but teasing him, in order to irritate him. I asked him questions like “There are more psychopaths in your family tree? Do they also have psychopathic eyes?” So he sent a picture of Mao and that Russian dictator that said “mom” and “dad”
As the pity ploy didn’t work out with me he got irritated and answered by means of this pic but adding things to it: brussels sprouts in their ears, gunglasses.
He sent another email recently and there was when i answered “Turd. How is it to be a psychopath? I’m very curious about it” and he didn’t write anything more since then.
His wife is not ok either. They know what they choose when they marry at certain age. He told me his marriage was totally calculated and his actions proved he had no intention of having a divorce. He gets something from her, whatever it is, and she gets it too. Their two boys are not ok either. One has psychopathic traits and the other is not stable psychologically, he feels attacted to malechovinistic things and to violence. The father told me one day, i don’t remember in what context ” I would not beat you ever”. Just one of the hints that he expressed in order to test the prey. Such a statement is an abnormality that means “I’ve beaten women but i would not beat you”. Where the violence instincts of his sons come from? That man has fucked the mind of his wife, two sons and who knows of how many more people.
Eva
Wow. I get it. So bizarre.
Saying “I would never beat you” just creeps me out. I totally agree with your perspective. Who would say something like that unless that was in their realm of possibility – meaning – they’ve done it, or considered doing it.
Superkid
Yes spaths do a ‘tell’. Mine said he would never hurt me (yeah right!!) after he left I found out he’d beat up his ex loads of times. So it was a bluff and only a matter of time before I would have got the same treatment. Lucky escape.
I may have done something really stupid but it sure feels good and I feel healthier than I have for days. I posted his name and home town on an abuse website where they have an ‘out your abuser’ sub-board. Think there might be a law against doing that but with the mood I’m in right now ….. bring it on!!!!
I also think i scaped just a moment before to have any serious incident. I think he already wanted to get rid of his mask because he appeared impatient and was becoming inconsistent and said those strange things like “i would never beat you” and “it’s time for the honeymoon to end”. It was the time in which i saw that horrible look in his eyes, and now i remember it wasn’t just one time but two, it happened a second time, a very similar sinister sight for a moment, in a pub in his town the last time i was there. I remember when i was in the airport about to boarding that i started crying almost uncontrolably, as if some way i knew for ceratain i would never was going to see him again. He looked at me no understanding anything, hugged me and said goodbye.
Now i know it was the stress of knowing inconsciously that he was a danger and that i had to leave him.
I dont understand these weird creatures. My spath is incredibly stupid. Sure he lied and cheated as they all do but he was super sloppy with everything. Not purposely either. He just wasnt the best player. I want so badly to call him weak and stupid again, he hated that. I know it didnt hurt, it was more like advice to him. Im sure hes a lot slicker with his new victims. What a loser…any men who have to lie to pursue women are all pathetic even the non spaths. Yuck!
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Eva, Contact Donna re: copyright and all that stuff.
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Yea, but wouldn’t hurt to contact donna.