Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Ox Drover:
Hahaha!! I love your post with all the ZAPS! Awesome! I feel the same way…if you are not offering me something other than lies, etc., you are out. I appreciate your suggesting that maybe I shouldn’t feel like I will never get scammed again and you very well could be right. BUT…you don’t know me. I am very steadfast; a loner. Let me clarify. I am not really a loner. I have a ton of friends and enjoy people, but I also need my alone time. I have been divorced 19 years, a very long time. Very few people can say they have been divorced that long. I can take care of myself and I give off that air I think of being standoffish when in reality I am not at all. I am extremely compassionate, giving and loving. Don’t feel bad…I don’t have anyone lined up at my door either, but it’s because I don’t want it to be that way. I am 47, but look 37….I am a size 2. I exercise 5-6 days per week; take extremely good care of myself. Some would call me gorgeous (I do not think so), but yet I do not date. So…what I am saying is there is a very good possibility this will NEVER happen to me again because I always did set up boundaries even before spath came along and now even more so. There was just something about him like no other. The OW said the same thing that she never was with anyone like him. I think he is a demon in disguise. So I truly believe with every once of my being that this will never happen to me again. All the planets aligned just right for it to happen and I know now that it happened to teach me some lessons and it did.
Hens-now it’s 6:19 here and we’re all still here and everything is just the same. It’s still sunny and hot and the river is high and yay, we’re still here.
Dear Hens,
Sugar I’m gonna BOINK YOU!!!!!! You know, it ain’t what you got or how you look that makes you a good person, and I know for a fact that you are a GOOD LOOKING man otherwise the female friends you have wouldn’t want you to go straight! LOL (including me) LOL
After my husband died I felt old, fat, ugly, undesirable etc. all of a sudden. Hadn’t felt that way before he died, so what had changed was how I felt about myself. I was lonely and scared and so I had anxiety, and grief and all that stuff…and guess what, I HOOKED UP WITH THE FIRST PASSING PSYCHOPATH WHO TOLD ME HOW WONDERFUL I WAS….DUH! So now I am back to feeling OK about myself.
What is different? Well, I’m 7 years older than I was, more wrinkles, fatter than I was, more wrinkles, less money, more wrinkles, less money, and oh, less money….so there is something different and it ain’t how I look and it ain’t how much money I have it is how I feel about myself.
I am enjoying the peace out here in the sticks….and I do have a FEW friends that I treasure and my one son I adore…and a few folks I enjoy doing things with but I wouldn’t call them close friends…not someone I’d loan more than $5 to anyway. I enjoy doing things for myself—whether it is hatching baby duckies, or building a cat house out of an old freezer….or cooking a really good pot of chili—and boy today’s chili was/is KILLER!!!! YUM!!!!
I take pleasure in the things around me from the smell of the rain to the sounds of the whipper-will which is back now for the summer. One of my favorite sounds.
I think maybe you need to get out and see some live bodies and talk to some adults….how about you give your new man friend a call and see if he wants to go for a beer or something? Or go pick up your grandkids and take them for an ice cream cone.
Go to wal mart and watch the “walmartians” come and go…that is always good for a laugh!
Ox Drover:
First of all, I hope I did not sound full of myself in my earlier post because I am not. I was just rambling and trying to make you realize that I do not date and don’t have men lined up at my door either, but people who see me would think I do. After I was scammed, I lost all self esteem. I didn’t know what I did wrong and why he didn’t love me. I felt ugly, not good enough, etc. I didn’t date before he came along, but then he came along and changed my world. I don’t think I will ever look at things the same again (even after healing). So I didn’t date before him and now I REALLY DON’T want to date. It’s a shame how circumstances can make us feel differently about ourselves. But I am with you…I take solace in nature. I love the sun and enjoying being outside and just enjoying what God made for us. I realize just the little things can make me feel better like going to get some frozen yogurt. Sounds stupid, but…
Hens,
You’re a catch. It’s just a bummer you’re gay. 😉
I know you’re a catch because you’re so compassionate.
All you need to do is fine-tune your gaydar to also catch spathdar and then do an avoidance maneuver.
Don’t look for a lover, Hens, look for a friend. Be adamant about that, NO LOVERS. ONLY FRIENDS.
Soon, the right friend will see that you are a catch and want to be more.
Has anyone read the book about Breaking your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern? I think I need this book if anyone thinks it will help. Thank you!
Ooohh Skylar that’s a good idea for Hens! He is a catch.
2bcop,
hey, I’ve seen from your posts your are doing better with drama avoidance. Awsome work. Your whole life changes when you gain control of your emotional reactions. Even if it isn’t how you feel inside, people will think your are No Drama Erin. It changes how they treat you, spaths no longer push your buttons, and you’ll start to see yourself differently too. Just remember to keep your “rescuer role” as a No Drama Rescuer role too. And only rescue those who deserve it – not everyone does – or, of course, if you’re getting paid to rescue!
A girlfriend sent me this (some guy sent it to her)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AhU12zC8fc&feature=youtu.be
It’s corny but fun.
It’s a girl rescuer. LOL. turns the tables on the idea of a damsel in distress.
So I showed it to my BF. he said, “you need to go work out. and pick up a sword while you’re at it.” 🙂
LOL.
Dear eb92044,
No sugar I didn’t think you were being anything but the sweet person you’ve shown since you came to LF—I would date in a new york minute if there was anyone that I thought was worth my time…I’m just being picky, even if there were guys lined up outside my door.
Funny thing is that if we LOWERED OUR STANDARDS we could have a guy by dark tonight and it is almost that now….we could go down to the local wino shelter and pick up some wino and he’d say wahtever we wanted him to say to get to come home with us…but you don’t want that and neither do I. LOL
I’m gonna make myself happy and be happy, and be content and IF I DO FIND A HAPPY AND CONTENT MAN who wants to share that happiness with me, wonderful, but if not, I’m still happy and content. I know that NO ONE else can make me happy, I have to make myself happy, and that’s what I intend to keep on doing.
Hens,
You are a match to a smart man who enjoys quality in his life. Wish I could bottle your wit and penetrating insight – except you do seem to be blind to your own light. I promise as a str8 woman to NEVER want you to be anything but gay. Why? B/c my gay friends are the best people in the world, and it’s the gay thing that gets them there. I love and adore them completely except neither of us have a sex vibe going on, which… seems to be the thing that frees us to be the best of friends.
I am sorry for your lonliness, but as I said to someone else who is superb, it’s a numbers game… that and a streetlight thing. That is, you can’t find what is lost by hiding in the shadows. Ya gotta be SEEN. Get out there. Like dogs? Go to a dogshow. Go to a festival. Come down to Texas (will even help ya out if ya come to Houston). BE SEEN enjoying yourself and soon, someone else who thinks like you will be introducing themselves…
Katy