Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
92044,
it’s both. Little kids think this way, they can go in and out of reality at will. The lies are just another example of how infantile they are. Sure, there is a devious, controlling aspect to their lies, but think about it, isn’t manipulation the weapon of choice for the powerless? Children are powerless, so they resort to manipulation, spaths are not powerless but they still do it because they think like children.
skylar:
Wow, so true! I have always seen my former spath as very child like. He lives totally in the moment, just like a child. Doesn’t think about the past or the future…just the here and now and what he can get. This sounds weird and maybe a little sick on my part, but I think that is what I found so sexy about him…he was fully boy and fully man at the same time…I found that intriguing. So sad for me 🙁 But I am soooo much better than I was a year ago. WHY do they think like children?
eb:
Right. Stop the obsession because you won’t get any logic in their actions. They (of course the at least a bit clever ones) know what they do and why. They invest in what they think can be profitable or advantageous. Mine wanted a new country to spend his free time in which he had house and food for free. A new country full of new victims and potential fun. They’re unconscious emotionaly, they hurt and they don’t care, they just mind their needs. Is so simple. They’re like that of simplistic and because of that they need constant stimulation and new challenges.
He even looks like a boy! Not body wise, but very baby faced. Does not look 43 years old.
Eva:
Nope, no logic at all. There is none. Very interesting about yours wanting to go to another country so he could find new supply. Interesting you should say that because I have to think that this one I know has to be running out of targets by now. He gets everyone at work and there are only so many women at work. I can only imagine what is going to happen when he moves on to another area of the company…woooo, watch out women because he will be trolling the halls again looking for new victims.
Mine was a severly stunted emotional cripple who was looking for a care-taker. Once established in my home and heart, he went about the business of living the life of a 12 year old on summer vacation. I provided a roof over his head, a shower, a meal, a cigarette, a beer, whenever one of those things was needed, and he ran the roads, and did what-ever he wanted while I worked.
In short, I thought I was in a relationship with a significant other, but in reality it was nothing more than a freinds with benefits thing (to him) and my friend needed a place to stay, a shower, ameal, a cigerette, a beer, etc. etc. etc…………..
This is his modus operandi, and it’s how he’ll live til the day he dies.
92044,
they don’t want to grow up. think Peter Pan syndrome.
No responsibility, out of touch with reality, “you have to believe! then you can fly!”, “Stay with me in Never Neverland and never grow old, Wendy.” Always adventure, always drama and the whole world revolves around them.
The spath is a case of emotionally arrested development. My spath TOLD me he never wanted to grow up. It might seem innocent enough to want to remain childlike, after all infants are not evil. The problem is that spaths, unlike children, are not powerless. This is a perversion of the human spirit and the results are evil.
Casey Anthony trial starts tomorrow and will be televised on In Session. Yay. I’ve followed this case from the beginning, watching Nancy Grace everynight….I have waited a long time for the trial.
eb:
Don’t doubt it he’s doing it and that he’ll do it till the end of his days. They are what they are. Don’t ask for impossible things like mending something it’s twisted by nature. Respect them a little bit…hahahaha
Get out of their way. I sincerely think is, with difference, one, if not the most, wise thing one can do in her/his life.
Live your way and let them live their way.
kim frederick:
So sorry to hear that. Idiots!! Hmmmm, yours sounds like the opposite of mine in that mine works in an executive position while the wife stays home. They live in an $800,000 house, he drives a Mercedes. But I think the differences end there. The “lifestyle” is different, but he is very emotionally immature and plays all the same tricks. They come from all walks of life…UGGHHH!!!!!! A 12 year old on summer vacation…I love that!