Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
🙂 Hens!!!! And why on earth would anyone want to nail jello to a tree? A watermellon maybe, but jello?
I know, so stupid of me to want to try to reason with him. But now that I am gaining knowledge, I will never try to reason with him again. No reason to do so. Hopeless. Useless.
eb….It is useless. By the way, there are lots wearing the mask of the good job. It’s the best mask and they know it. It’s our culture’s fault to take for granted a job position goes toguether with moral values.
Eva:
I wonder what would happen if he lost that good job…
Yeah, right, like just because someone has a great position, they must be OK, yeah?? Ha, what a joke!
i think there is a thread or article about sociopaths in the work place..my x prolly owns the multi million dollar business he worked at by now, he was sabatoging his co workers, backstabbing his bosses, and screwing them while doing so..he did have a good work ethic, but he never stayed at the same job more than 2 or 3 years – sooner or later they get bored with it or get transfered or fired, they cause so much drama everywhere……
Hens:
Thank you for your post. They are unbelievable, aren’t they? Just one more thing to confuse me…mine has worked at the same company for 20 years. I don’t see how that has been possible. But so many people have enabled him and I think him having stability in the work area is giving him the free reign to be an absolute devil in every other area of his life. He has to be bored to tears, but it is a good front for him. He’s very smart…he knows not to mess with a good thing when it is to his advantage.
eb92044,
Mine worked for 20 years in the same work place as well. I know the challenges were exciting for him but he had other excitements on the side. That’s how they can deal with the boredom. They do keep some drama going and have absolute glee when they pull the wool over someones eyes.
Mine also rose up in the company to sr. vice president. He is smart in getting people to do things, (known as manipulation), and could do this with ease.
He also had no major range of emotion. He wouldn’t get angry or joyful, very calm and collected. Never would cry, until the end, but I’m not sure if that was real.
I did see him lose his cool tward the end of our relationship, I think it was because he wanted something he couldn’t have and this irked him. Even his final threat of hurting himself and rant about me being a sinner, betraying him, our daughter being a liar, etc. etc. etc., didn’t last long. The anger was fleeting and left him quickly.
He only seems to be vexed when he doesn’t get what he wants but that doesn’t last long.
I hope this helps you sort out what kind of person you were with. There were so many questions I had when I started this journey and thankfully I am almost divorced from this severly disordered individual. I am now seeing a specialist who is familiar with narcissism and sex addiction and she has called so many of his behaviors and said he is unable to love.
I am the type of person who needs to know the reasons behind all of the betrayals. They can put up a great front and keep it going for awhile but eventually it will come out. An aging sociopath, pathetic.
Hopeforjoy:
Thank you so much for your post. So insightful. Sounds exactly like mine! He is in the position of leadership he is in because he can get people to “do things.” A motivator due to the charm. Also had no range of emotion!!! I couldn’t believe it when I read your words. One thing I noticed very much so is that he drinks and he would never change when he drinks. Always even keel, always the same. Very cool and soft spoken. And yes, even when I did see a fleeting emotion, it was always very quick and didn’t last long. Doesn’t get mad. They are vexed when they don’t get what they want because they are so used to getting what they want. I am glad you are getting a divorce and are seeking therapy to get past it all. Speaking of aging sociopath, I know they never change, but I wonder if they do mellow at all? This one is going to be 44…yep, aging.
Dear eb92044,
Mine is now 52 and if anything he has gotten a little paranoid. Things are off and are getting worse. He used to tell me that no one else saw the things I accused him of, they are seeing it now. The mediator in our case even asked what was wrong with him and he said he would never hire him.
He is amusing, glib, charismatic and intelligent. Very easy to get sucked in. I think of those qualities very differently now and see charisma as something to be suspicious of.
And he wouldn’t change when he drank either, maybe would tell more jokes but he didn’t like being out of control. He was also very seductive.
I think of their major qualities as traits used to lure in their prey, kind of like a lion in the grass. His fur is the same color as the African grassland, before you know what happened you’re too close and are on the dinner menu.
We really don’t know what they are because of those traits used to lure us in. We will both be way more careful of lions and human preditors in the future!
Dear Hope4joy,
I am so glad to see you posting and hear the strength and insight into your situation and how well you are doing. How is Junior doing? I am sure your daughter is doing well with daddy-o out of the picture but just wondered about Junior?
I am so really really REALLY glad that you are doing well and that you are growing stronger!!!!! I admit I didn’t think you’d ever leave him, but now that you finally made up your mind and took the plunge the strength that you are showing is AMAZING!!!! TOWANDA!!! Girlfriend! You are on your way to a P-free life! It doesn’t get better than that! (((hugs)))