Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Superkid:
I know I do crave excitement. I am not exciting (or at least I think I am not) so I seem to crave it from other people. That’s why I think I went a little crazy with X spath.
DUPED and candy:
They most certainly do have their “flock.” No doubt about that. I think I was the black sheep…haha.
Superkid. That ‘never having sex again’ is soooo funny. Made me chuckle. I miss sex too.
I remember when I had my first child screaming out that I would never, never, go through ‘this’ again. But time eases the memories and low and behold I went through it twice more!
At the moment your emotions are raw. Give yourself t-i-m-e.
Yes, I agree, we DO miss the excitement. But that is all it was, that is why we stayed hooked. It wasn’t true to life. A bit like finding out Santa is not real (I know a few of you here think he is, and I’m sorry to shatter your dream) we can try to go back to that state, where we want to believe, but once we know the truth there is no going back.
Good for you for keeping yourself busy and remaining NC.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( SK )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
YOU WILL get to that point with your spath.
It just takes heaps of time and TONS of deprogramming.
Like daily mantras to yourself. Right now, it’s all about the good stuff that is first and foremost playing around in your head. Lots of cog/dis there. The BAD stuff doesn’t come until you can make the HUGE effort of seeing the relationshit in its ENTIRETY. In other words, ALL THE BAD STUFF TOO!
Six months out, this is happening for me and i sense a shift in my thinking. I don’t want him anymore, SK. For every good thought that pops into my head it is replaced with something vile he said or did, even the expressions that he showed that were evil. Surprisingly, this has worked very well. It’s hard to implement. I”ve been very blessed to have two friends who have been working on this daily with me for quite some time now. IT WORKS. BUt it is HARD work to get yourself out of the fog. I’ve also had to read the same books over and over and over. it’s interesting how, while reading them now, they make so much more sense to me, and mean so much more because I understand that the spath wanted to hurt me. This is a profound knowledge. He WANTED to hurt me. When I finally got that down, then all the other bad stuff was popping up without a problem!
You will get there.
LL
SK – Oh how I remember that, wanting him out of my head so bad. The thought’s and memory’s and what if’s consumed my every second of every day, sleep was the only escape. This went on for two years after no contact. He still occupies a small space in my head…but it is like a tumor that is shrinking, the more I learn about what he is/was, each day, week, month of no contact the memories fade..It’s a slow process. I dont think they ever completly leave our memories, I dont think they should because what they are is a very dangerous time in our life. I know your sick of me saying this, but even if you just ignore an email or text it is STILL contact…just knowing he has your number and could text at any minute rules your brain function. I did the ignore call’s, the dont answer text for a year before I changed all numbers to unlisted..That is when I had control of the addiction to him, and took back my power, it hurts so bad – but it worked…took me about two years to finally wake up without himsitting in my memory, I know what he is, I know what control he had….change numbers SK…this is the last time I will suggest this to you – peace
SK,
Hens is right about changing your number and emails. Or at least blocking him so he can’t get through at all. It is really painful to do it, but after a time, it will be a RELIEF. Honestly, I didn’t change my emails for awhile after going NC. There was apart of me that still wanted him to contact me even though I SAID and WANTED TO FEEL that I didn’t want him too. But I did. When I shifted out of “maybe he wants me” gear into “OMG I hope he DOESN”T contact me because he’s dangerous” mode, I got rid of it all.
I hope he NEVER contacts me again. I fear it, rather than wanting it. There is some peace in my life now without him.
As to the excitement factor, what that is, is DRAMA. Drama can be addicting too. It’s an adrenaline rush that we perceive as excitement. It isn’t the healthy kind of excitement though. I’d rather have peace in my life than that kind of excitment any day of the week now. Sk, your life is so busy, and full now THAT is true excitement! Not what it was with him. That was DRAMA.
LL
SK – there may be something to what your therapists says. when i first went to see someone about the spath the first words out of my mouth were about my n father.
have you read The Betrayal Bond sk? It might help to draw the connections between your mom and the spath.
i have an idea – what about dedicating one therapy session to talking about your mom, and keep going back to her if you get side-tracked. See if this helps reduce your obsession with the spath.
Hens;
“Oh how I remember that, wanting him out of my head so bad. The thought’s and memory’s and what if’s consumed my every second of every day, sleep was the only escape.
This went on for two years after no contact. He still occupies a small space in my head”but it is like a tumor that is shrinking, the more I learn about what he is/was, each day, week, month of no contact the memories fade..It’s a slow process. I dont think they ever completly leave our memories.”
Very powerful and true. The healing process can be delayed when circumstances allow the victims too much time to think, which often seems the case with sociopathic contact.
In addition, the very nature of a relationship with a sociopath, even a short one, is so different from that with a healthy person, that it is a virtual incubator of ruminative thought.
BBE,
Oh I love your analogy about the space an spath occupies as being like a tumor. That is so useful to explain why NC is so important, b/c going NC cuts off the food to the tumor and it shrinks.
When I first left my husband he occupied ALL my thoughts. I couldn’t sleep without dreaming of him (nightmares) and I developed insomnia b/c I avoided going to sleep until I wa miserable and then woke up with nightmares. I started busying my mind doing ANYTHING to empty my thoughts and slowly the tumor shrank. By going NC and not feeding the tumor, it shrank some more b/c I didn’t have any new hurt to feed it.
Now I can recall what my husband did almost as a third person perspective and instead of getting defensive, I can present a cogent, cohesive condemnation of his abusive behavior and only get mildly upset, not the terrible pain of before which ended in hours of crying. ANd as opposed to when I had contact, I can speak of my experience and let it go so that it does not affect me after. This is proof of the value of NC, THE TUMOR shrank so I am not ‘the crazy lady’.
Good for you and thank you for such a perfect analogy. The pain is like a tumor, contact feeds it, NC starves it into shrinking.
KatyDid;
I was quoting Hens! It is a great analogy.