Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
OH! I see now, thank you BBE. Just another example of Hens being so insightful, genuis really. (GEN U IS!)
HENS?! GREAT ANALOGY! Feed the tumor that causes pain or shrink it. Really helpful perspective.
Me no gen u is – but thank you BBE for giving me the credit for my brilliant analogy ~! shrink that hemroid with no contact, works better than preparaton H..
On another note I have a new friend coming this afternoon to swim, have not met him in person but have been talking on the phone a few weeks. BUT I have some red flags already..
He lives with his momma
He like’s casino’s
He always talks about himself, never ask anything about me.
He has the same name as the X
He has that same country drawl as the X that I find endearing.
But everybody I meet has red flags, so maybe it’s me and not them……gonna give it a look see anywho……from hello to goodbye and see if he is a lie…
hens. sunscreen dear. you can have fun without having to be emotionally vulnerable. i’m off to the pool myself, to be a rubber duckie wobbling in water without the grace of a swan. (LOVE hans christian andersen born on my birthday.)
Does anybody ever talk about how to get better? I mean….like a sort of social support group? Im so heartbreakingly alone, I dont know how else to describe it. To be held for a moment, to experience some comfort. I joined a book club and am afraid to go, and while my fears are probably not supported, I feel them, I feel like I walk into a room and carry this bag around with me, full of him, the memories, and stain of being stupid and abused. People sense it from me or something, and I know its unfounded but I’ll own it and say its how i feel.
I don’t have any friends. During my duration with SP, I cut off everyone. 11 long years of being in the fortress behind the wall suffering silently in shame.
I could say a million things about SP. Sit here and just rail against him. What he did, how bad it destroyed my life and others, the financial ruin, which is killing me now, etc.
But, Im talking on a real human gut level. My body is aching, my head hurts all the time, my heart and soul bleed.
I want so desperately to feel one human connection, one honest to goodness human connection. That tumor is large, buried in the middle of me……maybe its dying, maybe these feelings are the dying. I dont know.
It all started Friday afternoon…..and its led me here, to meditating, gardening, and sunday morning. The worst day for me of the week.
I woke this morning wanting pancakes in a restaurant. How wonderful it would be to go.
Dear Hurt Terribly – Your post leaves me with a big lump in my throat. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big ole hug..When you found ‘this place’ friday afternoon you found salvation – read – please poor out your pain here, we understand….go have your pancakes – and the smile you give the waiter, the cashier, the people sitting close by will bring you a smile in return..that is human contact – may peace soon find you – your on your way….hang on it gets better from here…..ps.. it was the embarrassment and humiliation of what I had let him do that haunted me the longest, forgiving myself was the biggest of challenges…just remember your not flawed, your good to the bone, we must learn from this Life Lesson, and ps again…It is better to have loved and lost than to live with a physco the rest of your life…
HT,
I so feel your pain!! UGH! I promise it WILL get better!!!
One of the things that has helped me personally is doing NOTHING but talking about it. Getting it all out. I finally figured out that keeping it all IN, was causing me all kinds of physical issues. I have had two diehard friends who have spent weeks deprogramming me. It WORKS. That’s what you can do here. Eventually, it will sink it and you will really begin to notice a shift in how you’re feeling about your pain, yourself and life in general.
It does take time. Day by blasted day and it hurts for awhile, but eventually, when you really get the whole Spath thing and what they do, you’ll feel so relieved to be away from it and celebrating your life in different ways, working on yourself instead of on him. I believe ruminating is necessary in working through the trauma. Post everything you want here. We are all here for you!
LL
Hens;
Be careful with the Red Flags. A bit back I met somebody online who, when he first messaged me, nearly gave me a heart attack as he looks strikingly like the x-spath.
Also, from the same city in the United Kingdom.
The same height and weight.
Same hair and eye color.
Age a couple years apart.
But I initially liked him because we had the same music tastes, fondness for travel and at least this guy does not smoke, drink or use drugs.
But the Red Flags:
Lack of any family or close friends, just like the x-spath.
No long-term relationships of any kind.
The same coldness and history of depression.
Bright but unmotivated and an underachiever.
I stayed away and suggest you proceed cautiously as Momma and Casinos are not a good combination…
HurtTerribly;
It does seem isolating is a common after-affect of a sociopathic relationship. I suggest doing whatever possible to get out and meet people in health ways. The book club is great, also try something that gets you out an moving such as a bicycle club, hiking club, dancing…
Any interest you have, explore. Even when online, get out to a Cafe, if possible, instead of staying in alone.
Hens,
lives with mom… it’s a red banner.
Be prepared for love bombing and don’t let him hold your head underwater. 🙂
Hens~!
All of your red flags, are just that!! When I read your list, I thought “DON”T DO IT”! He is the person for you. Whether a s/p/n, or not. Those are very RED red flags, Hens~! Please wait for someone worthy of your awesomness! And who wants to sit around listening to someone talk about themselves. Relationships are shared, and that includes communication and getting to know about one-another, equally. You are to GOOD for this person!
Only LOve,
Eden