Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Regarding Red Flags, I only seem to have ignored them when I was needy.
Case in point, smoking and heavy drinking, along with any “recreational” drug use are big Red Flags for me.
About 10 years ago, I met this very charming guy, who, in many ways is similar to the x-spath in terms of both looks and personality. I never became involved with this guy mostly because of his substance use/abuse.
Yet, I ignored these Red Flags when I met the x-spath, primarily because I was needy…
My apologies, Hens~! I had forgotten that you said that he is coming by this afternoon. Well, please let us know how it goes. I hope you enjoy, and that he turns out to be a healthy and enjoyable companion. Do you have a pool at your house? I am envious. That is wonderful!
Peace,
E
Hi HT,
I agree with BBE. Get out and get moving if you are not doing so, already. This has been one of the most helpful and effective remedies for me in my recovery. I feel amazing after I go out and exercise and play in nature. Try to do it to what ever degree, each and every day. You will be amazed at the results and what a boost it will give you!
Much Love,
Eden
BBE,
I ignored red flags last week with an N realtor that asked for my assistance with sitting an open house. BAD ME. I heard the red flags in her words, before I agreed to help out. I thought “what could it hurt”? Three hours of my day, bla, bla, bla… HELLooo! My bad! She attempted to punp me for information the entire time, while intermittently, complimenting me on my figure (WTF), my hair (WTF), my intelligence (WTF), High self esteem (BID WTF) lalalalalalalalala. She could not get most of the info aout of me that she wanted. The next day she called me and all hell broke loose. Completely Spathed me because I would not give in to her requests for info. She told me I am not that important to think I should withold information, and that I have very low self esteem (Now it’s low, sheesh) and that I have terrible posture and that I should get therapy for that. Then told me, I am either a terrible swim instructor or the parent’s are using me as a baby sitter, if my kids swim with me for so many years. WOW. You know? So anyway, this situation reminded me NEVER to ignore a red flag again! EVER!
I hope you are having a wonderful Sunday! : )
Eden
Dear Hurt terribly,
Yes, we do lose contact with others when the psychopath isolates us, and we also lose contact when we realize that some of our “friends” are toxic, maybe not full blow Ps, but none the less, toxic and not good for us, so we weed our garden down and there are not many TRUE friends left…we feel very alone.
I agree with Hens, go get pancakes by yourself and smile at the waiter, and the cashier and go walk in the mall or the grocery story and when you see a cute baby, talk to it and to the mother/father and ask questions about how old it is, etc. just make conversation with strangers….or sit next to someone on a bench in the park and strike up a conversation—-I lost my keys in Wal Mart the other day and Ii saw for about 2 hours on a bench there waiting for son D to bring me a new set of keys for my truck and struck up a conversation with a woman also sitting there waiting, and that poor woman NEEDED someone to talk to for sure….I listened to her tale of woe in her life, how she lost her husband in an accident (so did I) and she has MS and is getting worse and worse (I don’t thank you Jesus!) and she mentioned how she had so few friends and her children live half the country away….and at the end of our conversation, she was smiling, and it made me feel good to have been there for her to talk to when she needed someone to talk to. It also made me feel good about my own life, and grateful for what I do have.
Get out and mingle! You’d be surprised how it will lift your spirits! (((hugsd))))
HurtTerribly
Im so so sorry for your pain. I know exactly how the lonlieness feels. You would rather sit at home alone than to risk more rejection by going out. Then you cry and feel even more alone,all the while the agonizing emotional pain eats away at your gut like ya just swallowed a bunch of razor blades. I know,Im still going thru it. I too feel very alone. I used to go for weeks and never hear another human voice. I would even put off buying food becuz of the shame and the fact I was to depressed to even take a shower or comb my hair. This all will ease up,I promice you. It takes along time to come to the understanding we are better off without them. Im still not there yet totally. I have been batteling almost a year now by myself. It is a good thing you found this place.
I have just in the last month and a half started to force myself to go out. I like going to church,I find solice in reading my bible. If you dont do any of those things then just sing your thoughts outloud. Sing to the top of your lungs.
Im so sorry for your pain.
mommom
HurtTerribly
Allow yourself to feel the pain and allow yourself to scream and cry. It is purging . I know all the advice everyone is giving is kinda like hearing blah blah blah right now. You think,they just dont know my situation,sweety we do,we all do. Everyones situation varies,but esentially is the same. We all got abused by a spath & we are all in various stages of healing. Funny think is,Ive been here just a week and have already come along way
OxDrover;
Good point abut weeding. I did the same. I stopped talking with the coke snorting Narcissist thru whom I met the x-spath and several other shady characters I associated with.
Now I am in the process of building new, healthy friendships. Its not easy, one reason being that I have boundaries again.
I just remembered one incident where I ignored Red Flags with an interesting twist, to say the least.
6 months after the x-spath, I met somebody very similar to him. Same name, although French not British. Similar Service Industry profession. Similar looks. Smoke and drank…
So I that this “James” back to my place and he starts crying. He likes me very much be he need to be honest. He had a boyfriend and felt bad for cheating on him. James also told me he was HIV+.
I was smart to stay emotionally distant, but remained friends.
About a week later, I ran into him at club. We decided to go to another place and outside, he warned me about all the Saunas in Montreal. “Stay out, they are a nest of HIV.”
I assumed him I have never gone to such a place nor would I ever. He also gestured to to his face and warned me to stay away from guys who had deep line around the mouth — “a sign of HIV.”
Then I got on his case a bit about how smoking and drinking was not good for his condition. Then he told me how he stopped both but his counts went up. One night, he was out with friends and had something to drink and picked up a cigarette…
This conversion regarding smoking and drinking was virtually identical to the one I had with my x-spath “Jamie,” other than the detail about his counts going up.
After this conversation, I was 100% sure about my x-spath being HIV+, especially since he had prematurely deep lines around the mouth.
Bizzarre, same name, same recent story, but one honest and one not.
BBE, when you have boundaries and enforce them, it cuts out a lot of the drama queens and kings and you have fewer folks to pick from for friends, but on the other hand, you dont’ have to deal with the DRAMA so in the end it is still better to be SELECTIVE in what you “grow” in your garden.
ONe good, healthy plant produces more good than 100 sick little weed choked plants in a real garden, and I think it works that way in our emotional gardens of friends as well.
By cutting out the dishonest folks, the rude folks, the inconsiderate folks, dramatic people, and the narcissistic ones, the few that are left are pretty enjoyable and nice to be around. They are honest, nice, considerate, and interested in others. That sounds like a nice pool of people to pick friends from doesn’t it!