There’s no exact formula for spending life’s special events with a sociopath, but one thing’s for sure. It won’t be good for you.
With the 4th of July coming tomorrow, I decided to spend some time talking about life’s biggest events and sweetest moments. Weddings. Birthdays. Funerals. Births. Christmas. Hanukah. Anniversaries. And any other special time or ritual that gives our humanity a chance to feel the deeper meaning of life. To watch the fireworks. To celebrate our bonds to each other. To remember our heritage. To take a breath and step away from the daily grind so we can look around and appreciate what’s most important to us. And feel the joy that comes with it.
And because our hearts are likely to be more open, holidays and special events are vulnerable moments. They’re times when we rely on the people we’re sharing our lives with in many ways. To care for us. To let us care for them. To celebrate together. To respect the intimacy of sharing times that stand out from the everyday.
Because we need each other to make life’s most special moments special. Sometimes, it’s to let us bury our swollen, tear-stricken faces for a moment in a loving shoulder. To wrap arms around. To hold a hand. To show up with sparklers for the kids. To build good memories instead of bad, because these moments are oh so memorable.
They’re our birthdays. Our sister’s wedding. Our brother’s bar mitzvah. Our father’s funeral.
And if you’re with a sociopath, they’re opportunities to hurt.
Whether through oblivious negligence or direct action, a sociopath is going to let you down on the days you’re most inclined to remember.
A Sociopath Will Shatter Your Most Meaningful Traditions
I’ll talk from my own experience. Christmas. But translate it to any holiday in your world that is rich with tradition and perhaps involves the exchange of gifts.
If you’re with a sociopath, you’ll do all the work and preparation on your own. At least after the first impressions are over. (Sometimes in the courting phase, they’ll do too much.) But once you’re tied into more permanent bonds with a sociopath, you can count on doing everything yourself.
Here’s an example. If your sociopath gives you a clear budget for gift-giving, you’ll follow it closely. You’ll be reasonable in your spending. You’ll decide against a few things you really wanted to get for the kids. You’ll do all the cards and be sure to include your partner’s family and friends on your list. You’ll take care of it. Of everything.
And then on the day before Christmas, your partner will leave you to do all the cooking and will go out and blow $4,000 on whatever he (in my case) felt an impulse to buy for you or the kids or anyone else in the world.
Because that’s fun.
And he won’t have a clue about your anger and exhaustion when he gets home. He’ll think you’re a bitch. He’ll either sigh in self pity or explode when you moan.
He’ll tell you that you’ve ruined the holiday.
A Sociopath Will Set You Up for Disappointment
Maybe another year, there will be no gifts for you at all.
Maybe that will be the most consistent way.
Maybe you’ll wonder each year (because a sociopath likes to keep you on the edge of your seat, not knowing) whether this will be the year he’ll show up with a ring. Maybe you’ll imagine him (finally) cooking a romantic dinner with candles. Maybe you’ll pray that this time he’ll actually buy something special for the kids. Since you asked him to.
But he won’t.
He won’t even know that he should. A person without empathy is oblivious to your experience. Even a narcissist is lost in this way. It’s not just sociopaths. There are all kinds of ways to be so lost in yourself that you don’t even realize how you’re hurting everyone around you.
But a sociopath is, in my opinion, often the worst.
Because it’s hard to see clearly. One holiday may be an extreme romance. The next may pass without notice. The next may be a chance to torture you emotionally. The next may find you tossed across the hood of the car. The next may bring on a break up. The next may reunite.
The key pattern is the chaos.
The shattering of your traditions.
The breaking of what’s dearest in your heart.
At times you’ll remember the most.
A Sociopath Will Shatter You Out of Habit
My ex used to devastate me just before weddings. Every wedding we ever attended, to be exact. He would create a fight on the way there. A terrible fight. And I was too naive and involved at the time to see the bigger picture—the map of patterned experiences. But it was there.
At every special moment.
Maybe he would disappear when we were supposed to be dancing together as part of the wedding party. I’d be the only one left standing up there without my partner.
Maybe he’d leave me in the car for a full hour on the way there while he ran into a local business on a five minute errand. We’d miss the entire ceremony. At my best friend’s wedding.
And he’d laugh—exasperated—at my anger.
And maybe he was even elated. Because he won. We’d arrive at the reception, and I’d feel rumpled and let down. I’d be wiping mascara tracks off my cheeks. And he’d tell me that I’m superficial and demanding—a total bitch—someone who can’t flex to other people’s needs. Someone who can’t give.
I’d sit in the corner.
And he’d dance.
And I’d wonder, often, if he was right. If it was me.
But after ten years of letting him devastate every special experience of my life, I finally realized that it wasn’t me at all.
A sociopath’s deflection is a tricky thing. Especially when they know enough about psychology to turn it right around and point it at you. But if someone’s devastating or abandoning your holidays and special moments, your alarm system isn’t something to be ignored.
Your anger isn’t wrong.
In fact, it’s worth listening to.
A Sociopath Knows No Meaning
A sociopath isn’t going to feel what you feel. As a result, they might blindly destroy the moment. Spend the day with another man or woman and not understand why you’re upset. Or maybe they’ll show up late and blunder the surprise and get mad at you for being angry.
If they’re trying to impress you, though, you might get a room full of roses. A new car. A hot air balloon ride. An extravagant orchestration of community volunteers on your anniversary, gathered together to usher you through some kind of sentimental experience.
But the sentiment is yours. You may not know it at the time, but the sociopath views holidays as an opportunity to manipulate. You may only find out later, when they cheat on your next anniversary and let you “catch” them for the excitement of the drama and the fight. For the joy of devastating you. Maybe you made them mad. Maybe they harbor a deep anger toward you. The desire to hurt you. But maybe not. The point is that they’ll use life’s biggest moments to elevate or destroy you, either way.
And you can never make them care about how much it hurts.
Because they’ll never really feel bad about it. Even if they manage to notice life’s special moments, those moments just become a chance to impress or hurt you. Maybe a chance to make you look bad in public. A chance to deflate you before the party.
A chance to leave.
And you may cry about it all for years. If you’re like me, you may mourn that you’ve never shared life’s special moments with a partner who felt as much love and attachment as you. You may shame yourself for choosing a partner who tricked you—who doesn’t feel much at all. Who manipulates, uses, excuses, deflates, and destroys—whether through obsessive abuse or abandonment.
But the bottom line is that you can. You can spend yourself and all that you’re worth on people who appreciate you. Who love you. Who need you. Who will wrap their arms around you during the fireworks on the 4th of July and still be there consistently through the years.
Find those people. Cultivate your bonds to them all through your life.
And when the holidays come,
go to them.
Share what’s special. Give and take.
And try not to look back.
H.G. Beverly is the author of The Other Side of Charm.
This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.
I have found that it isnt just limited to holidays or special events. But over time my husband has found a way to ruin even any day that I wake up in a decent mood, with a glimmer of hope that I could be happy that day and those days far and few between now I try so hard to hold onto and grow that glimmer of contentment that little happy to just be me to want to go for a walk as a family or even just to the store. days it doesnt hurt right away to listen to music that I like that gives me a boost. a bounce in my step and helps me to sing as I go about my daily routine with my little girl. Days I have plans to do somthing special for him.. for us. Even If I hadnt even mentioned anything to him about it at all, its like he instinctively “knows” I feel good, I have a bit of joy growing.. and hope that I can be happy, with me, with him. almost as soon as he sees any hint of this in me.. the day becomes a total nightmare. Every time.. no matter what i do. I still at times find myself just baffled at how seamless and effortlessly he is able to twist, delude and cause a unnecessary tumultuous situation, and without any question or ability to be reasoned with blames me for all of it. I am even at fault for feeling wronged and somtimes forced to apologize for things that he did, for him “having to leave his own home for HOURS and somtimes days (however long he chooses) because I was so “out of control and abusive” that he had to escape. I cried.. that was it, I asked for him to drop whatever the manufactured incident was at the moment tried to reason with him even stating things and reasoning in ways he himself has used.. to no evail.. there is no winning, there can be no happiness unless he is trying to win me over to get what he wants. Then I HAVE to behave as if the minimal obviously insincere efforts he has made are the most amazing things I have ever experianced. 🙁 Im still stuck but for somtime now I know I have to get out.. get away from him, but Im scared, and there is that overwhelming need in me to hold to my promises.. to the no matter what i committed to, But I know now that I have to find a way even if I have to do it all completely alone ( no longer have any real friends or family because of him) or He will eventually kill me, whether directly with a physical attack ( unlikly with him, but recent events shown it to not be impossible) or by literally breaking my heart mind and soul down so completely that there is no life left within me. I have sometimes hoped that he would just hurry up and do it, no more long ongoing torture. Now please dont take this the wrong way, I have no desire to kill myself, I dont WANT to die. I just cant seem to get over the feeling that he is going to be the death of me one way or the other, I dont want to keep living this way, Im too stubborn and believe so deeply that I need to uphold my vows not for him, ( he doesnt deserve me or my devotion AT ALL) but for myself. I would fell like I failed I did wrong in breaking my promise. It hurts to try and make plans for a safe escape. ( which I have begun, though i feel wrong about having to be sneaky in order to do so safely) BUt I have no choice. I Want to be able to experiance good days without being torn down for seeming happy or making plans without his approval. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and love the woman I see there again. I hardly even recognize her anymore. How do I come to a strong enough spirit and emotion again in order to be able to do what I know I need to for me, for my sons for my daughter. We deserve to live and love without being afraid of him.
Willowsong…Big HUGS to you tonight!!! Just know you are not alone…it may feel like that but you have so many here that will listen to you when you are down so come here and post on the first post what every your emotions are at that time. Also check out facebook pgs One moms battle & After Narcissistic abuse…there are over 50,000 victims of this kind of abuse that you can get support from. Open a fake email account then open a facebook page under that name they you can talk safely without your spouse/his friends & family from seeing what you are posting.
You Ask: “How do I come to a strong enough spirit and emotion again in order to be able to do what I know I need to for me, for my sons for my daughter?”
Please know how you are feeling is how every victim of these evil people feel when they are in the abusive tornado. Your thinking is limited to tunnel vision you cant see the big picture to leave because your abuser literally has your mind so twisted up you dont know which way is up and which way is down.
One of the biggest issues for victims of sociopaths is adrenal fatigue (PTSD). The bodies adrenal glands regulate the blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol and adrenaline levels (fight or flight response mode) and over 50 hormones including progesterone, estrogen etc. With continual stress such as a toxic relationship the adrenal glands become burnt out & the above things end up not working correct which in turn wreak havoc on the body, mind and spirit. The adrenal glands are a BIG deal but over looked by most doctors as the root cause of someone not feeling well.
Symptoms of adrenal fatigue are anxiety, depression, panic attacks, mood swings, hair loss, sleep issues, not being able to make good decisions, weight gain or loss, brain fog, memory loss etc etc it’s a very long list. Continual stress is the biggest issue for the adrenal glands. It’s clear by what you are stating that you have PTSD (adrenal fatigue) just like most victims of toxic relationships.
Your spouse has you walking on egg shells everyday that is a true nightmare to wake up to and try to have a happy day…you are living in a continual stress environment which is effecting your adrenal glands and this is why you are finding it hard to leave him throw in the fact he is gas lighting you, using reward and punishment, intimidation, installing fear and phobias etc you can not think clearly to leave him.
It’s time for you to find some peace. Find a good hormonal specialist to test you for cortisol levels (see adrenalfatigue.org) for the test info, hormonal imbalance and vitamin/mineral deficiency which are all issues with adrenal fatigue (ptsd). DO NOT tell your spouse you are doing this bit your tongue you dont want him to sabotage your healing, once you get the right hormones and vitamins/minerals in your body he will see you are emotionally changing for the better and will want to bring you down (again).
To heal your adrenal glands you need a good clean diet no sugar, caffeine, junk food or alcohol till they are healed, possible hormonal balancing (just pill or cream) and vitamins/minerals such as dr wilson’s adrenal formula.
*****To learn more see adrenalfatigue.org take his quiz/see his symptoms list/read, Drlam.com see his symptoms list/read, mialundin.com see her you tube videos read her book, womentowomen.com see hormonal imbalance/adrenal fatigue*****
I promise you that once a hormonal specialist gets your adrenal glands working correctly you will have a clear mind and will be calm again and will know exactly what to do to leave him. To find a hormonal specialist google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors.
****Also call your local domestic abuse center and see if they have a outside counselor recommendation who is extremely knowledgable with narcissistic abuse then go. You can call 800-799-SAFE National Domestic violence hotline 24/7 to get local abuse center numbers. Borrow the money if you do not have it and do not tell your spouse you are going to a counselor or call Donna Anderson’s Love Fraud phone service that she provides for a minimal fee to help open your mind from your abuser.
Please remember that all sociopaths are cult leaders whether they only have a family to control or a large following they all do the same manipulative mind games to control their their victims. Thinks of your husband as a cult leader!!
You state: “Im too stubborn and believe so deeply that I need to uphold my vows not for him, ( he doesnt deserve me or my devotion AT ALL) but for myself.
Being loyal to the right person is great being loyal to a sociopath is wrong and it is not only ok to break your vows but a necessity if you want to survive and also have your kids survive. Know that sociopaths purposely target people that are loyal because they know they will not leave them no matter what they do…your husband saw this good quality in you and now is using it to control you so you dont leave him. Dont let him win his manipulative game. Just like you those of us who have left our abuser felt the same way as you during the many years I wanted to leave this (not breaking my vows) was one of the reasons on my list of why I should stay..those darn wedding vows lol….now that I am out I realize that I wasted my time and energy on an evil person, a person who is not capable of loving anyone same with your spouse. You have a myth in your mind that you must remember your vows…but guess what your spouse can careless about those vows. Find someone who cares about vows this guy is not that guy. You have done everything to make your marriage work but it will NEVER work with a sociopath ever..does not matter who he is with it will not work out..remember sociopaths have many short relationships.
The fact that he intentionally starts a fight then disappears for hours or days sounds like he has a mistress or several check his phone bill DO NOT confront him if you see a number over and over on his phone bill. Google “reverse phone lookup” and do a search on the number. DONT CONFRONT him as he may harm you. Tell a friend or come here and vent but for your safety do not tell him what you found out instead Cut your losses now as it only gets worse as they age. My ex h had a two year affair that was my exit out right then and there but he sweet talked me back in but still continued to cheat when I finally left him 7 years later I found out he had three mistress in two different states at the end, I am sure more during the end but those are the ones I found out about. Sociopaths have endless affairs. I told my counselor that I thought he cheated on me 8 times during the marraige she told me that it was most like 3 to 4 times that number. (Just wished they taught this subject in high school 🙁 )
You state: ” I would fell like I failed I did wrong in breaking my promise”.
You feel this way because you are a good person..this is what good people feel…but again you are dealing with an evil person and you must escape…you are not breaking a promise you are doing what is necessary to survive. He will continue to break you down emotional, mentally and physically until you crawl out of your relationship…**please make a new promise to yourself right now that you will look out after yourself now only and do everything you can to leave this abusive person. It’s time for you to promise yourself that you are going to do everything in your power to have a great life and that means leaving this evil sociopath behind.
Society keeps saying “marriage is hard work”, “you must keep your vows”, etc…then once you leave your friends/family will tell you “we never like him”, “we didnt like how he talked to you or treated you”…
Put your game face on…pretend to not be happy around him….and while you are doing this get your EXIT PLAN ready out of this relationship.. Google EXIT PLAN to learn more about how to get ready to leave a abusive relationship.
You deserve so much more out of life they what you are settling for right now!!!!
I know it feels like you will never get out…that is your mind not being able to sort out all of the stress and chaos you are living in. Keep reaching out for help today..to help you get out of your abusive marriage.
Symptoms of adrenal fatigue from Dr Wilson’s “adrenalfatigue.org” site. He is a leading expert on the subject. When I left my ex h a friends gave me her hormonal specialist I went..this was a huge turning point for me and wished that someone would have directed me years earlier as i was suffering form adrenal fatigue. My doctor gave me both Dr Wilson;s adrenal fatigue formula and progesterone pills and with in days my anxiety was half and within a month I felt so much better.
Per Dr Wilons site “In order to get a true grasp on stress, you first must learn how to recognize it in yourself. The mind, body and judgment are affected by stress in many ways, and they’re all directly tied to the physiological changes of the fight-or-flight response. There are no set signs and symptoms of stress, as these vary widely from person to person. Some experience primarily physical symptoms, like lower back pain, stomach problems and outbreaks on the skin. In others, the stress pattern centers around emotional symptoms, such as crying spells or hypersensitivity. For others, the changes mostly affect their behavior or thought processes. Below are some of the more common signs and symptoms of stress, broken down by category”
Cognitive Symptoms
Forgetfulness
Poor short-term memory
Difficulty focusing
Indecisiveness
Difficulty concentrating
Trouble thinking clearly
Poor behavior/being unlike one’s self
Focusing on the negative
Racing or anxious thoughts
Emotional Symptoms
• Constant worrying
• Fearful anticipation
• Agitation and moodiness
• Restlessness
• Short temper
• Irritability, impatience
• Inability to relax
• Feeling tense and “on edge”
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Sense of loneliness and isolation
Behavioral Symptoms
• Decrease in sex drive/libido
• Eating less or more then usual
• Habitual craving for salty or sweet foods
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Neglecting responsibilities
• Avoiding contact with others
• Using alcohol, tobacco, or drugs to unwind
• Nervous habits (e.g. pacing or nail biting)
• “Overdoing it” (e.g. exercising, working)
• Using caffeine to stay going
• Becoming argumentative or combative
• Overreacting to unexpected problems
Physical / Physiological Symptoms
• Chronic fatigue
• Tense pain in head and/or back
• Stiffness and tension in muscles
• Constipation or diarrhea
• Nausea, dizziness
• Difficulty sleeping/insomnia
• Increased heart rate/chest pain
• Increase or decrease in blood pressure
• Loss or gain in weight
• High or low blood sugar
• Skin conditions (e.g. eczema, hives)
• Frequent or prolonged colds
Willowsong – welcome to Lovefraud, although I’m so sorry about your situation. Perhaps this will help ease you mind: You didn’t really make vows, because the person who you vowed to love forever doesn’t exist. It was a mirage, a charade that he created in order to hook you.
Willowsong–
Starting fights with you, then using that as an excuse to leave–for hours or days–is CLASSIC sociopath behavior.
What do you think he’s doing during those absences? Most likely, he’s cheating (even if you don’t know about it–the majority of sociopaths are chronic cheaters).
Or he’s doing drugs (mine did that as well). Or he’s up to something else unsavory that he couldn’t do if “you” didn’t give him a “reason to leave”.
He’s CREATING these dramas just so he CAN leave! With the added bonus of blaming you for it!
Understand that many of them have one or more mistresses, plus other flings. Read about sociopaths and sex in the articles here and in Donna’s books.
This is NOT a man who’s upholding his marriage vows. So why should you?
You have absolutely no reason to continue to honor these vows. God, society, friends, family, and/or whatever or whomever you believe these vows should be kept for–they don’t want you to suffer because of them. But your sociopath DOES want you to suffer because of them, and it sure is working! Because that’s what they do to nice, loyal, trusting, vow-keeping women. It’s just what they do.
Leaving these relationships can be difficult, but sites like this one will be invaluable in that regard. Read everything you can–there are hundreds, if not thousands, of sites about sociopathic/psychopathic/narcissistic abuse (without him finding out, of course). The more you read, the more you will recognize his behaviors and realize that HE WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER CHANGE.
You WILL leave, you WILL survive, and you WILL thrive. We’ve all been through the hell you’re going through and we’re here to tell you there IS life after the sociopath. And it can be a much better life than even BEFORE the sociopath in the way that people who have survived life-threatening illnesses feel a renewed love of life. It took me 3+ years–some of it really difficult–to get here, but I’m happier–and wiser–than I ever was.
Just don’t let your “vows” keep you chained to him.
Oh Willowsong, my heart hurts for you!!!! Please know that before I read your comment I was actually smiling because I no longer have to deal with my ex ruining EVERY special day!!!! I make my own days special my way now!!!!
They loose out on life’s largest gifts. The celebration and gratitude of special occasions.
When you separate yourself and distance yourself from hurt and abuse you do so because you are a part of the divine spark!!! You keep yourself and your children safe from abuse so that you can fulfill your life’s purpose. Learn your lessons and now live a full and safe from hurt life. Take tender care of yourself and your children.!!!
My mother in law had warned me before I got married that in their family they do not celebrate. Well guess what?? This month I am celebrating my daughter’s wedding. No one from my ex’s family including him is invited. Sad….but necessary…and I do plan on dancing the night to celebrate.
You are so very right….You do deserve to live and love and laugh with joy and all good health. Its a long hard journey but so worth the work!!!
HGBeverly great post and subject. So true they will make every day, every holiday, every birthday just miserable and all because it’s a fun game for them to play.
Thank you, Jan7. And I appreciate your comments and adrenal fatigue information for Willowsong. The chaotic experience of being connected to a sociopath in any way is definitely exhausting.
Best,
H.G. Beverly
HG – Everything you said is so true. They are a nightmare, and the nightmare comes in multiple forms. My ex made me attend two family weddings alone – part of his campaign to isolate me.
I later found out that he “had to travel” on holidays because he was also seeing other women. And as I was struggling to afford a nice Christmas, he was spending our money on gifts for the other women, and the child he had with one of them. I also discovered that he would buy matching gifts for his various women. So for me the disgust and pain came later, when the truth was revealed.
Donna,
The holidays are a “perfect” time for a sociopath to amplify their hurtful ways. Isolation, lies, adultery, abandonment, betrayal, sabotage, and broken promises. It seems they create a greater imprint on your psyche during special holidays and events.
The matching gifts must be some kind of thrilling game. Like a sick, secret inside joke. My ex took another woman to try on formal dresses at a boutique one Christmas season, and then he bought the dress for me for Christmas. It wasn’t my style, and we weren’t going anywhere that required that kind of dress. But he was delighted.
The moment or series of moments when you found out about all of these secrets—now that’s painful. And yet your life is beautiful now. Which gives people a lot of hope. Thank you for continuing to share your experiences.
Best,
H.G.
Thank you so much, HGBeverly, for this post. I read it and the tears came. I could have written it word for word. Unbelievable. After 25 years of this, I had to start over with every holiday, too. Christmas has been the worst because that’s when I discovered his infidelity and because of all of the decorations and momentos I have so lovingly picked and cherished for my kids. We were able to reclaim Christmas last year when I did not open all the boxes for the first time in years. I started all over and in a different way. It was the first Christmas since their father left 4 years ago that we laughed. That we ate together. That we bought presents and had excitement leading up to the holiday. That I went to bed happy and at peace.
Christmas is one example, however. I have set upon a course to reclaim every holiday and every anniversary date. There are lots and lots of them with established traditions and picture albums and videos. And each has its own set of memories and pain from his attempts to sabotage the meaning I tried to instill within our family. The memories are repressed, yet they flood me at times when I don’t expect it. A smell. A song. Anything.
I’m still very lonely during the holidays, and what’s more, he’s made a point to do something cruel on special days since he’s been gone. This stopped last year when there were no other holidays or special days he could use to re-traumatize me. The children and I are 100% ‘no contact’ now so this is the first summer where we have tried to do things differently.
Thank you, again. And my heart goes out to all of the children and families who have suffered during significant dates in hopes that you can reclaim simplicity, joy, and rest during these times.
Indie,
I’m so glad you are reclaiming your life. It may not be what you expected long ago, but it can be such a beautiful process. And the joy it brings—that’s more valuable than most anything. I’m happy for you and your children.
Best,
H.G. Beverly
Thank you for this kind thought, HGBeverly. It’s still very, very hard to reclaim everything after so many years. It’s exhausting, but my recovery time from setbacks and triggers is less and less .. which shows healing in my opinion. I hope and pray that my sons and me are able to feel and experience more joy because it’s been a hell of a 4 years since the discard.
Right now, what I am struggling the most with, is that I wanted a traditional family with all my being. I know that’s why I clung to it for so long. And here I am a single mother struggling to cope with all of the brokenness and not knowing how to help my sons anymore. They are not little boys or teenagers (well, my youngest is in high school but he is beyond his years emotionally) and I feel very useless to them much of the time. And my biggest fear I’ve come to finally accept is knowing that when I’m able to finally able to put all the pieces back together, the original picture I had in my head of ‘us’ will not be the same at all.
I appreciate your comments and as I can will look into medical assistance to help get me back on track. This will probably have to wait until I get away as he has me locked up so tight I doubt I would be able at all to manage going to appointments without him finding out.
I woke up today surprised to see him home instead of at work. Asked him why he was not there and he said. “really? are you that stupid? its the 4th of july.” 🙁 I have been so isolated and had to withdraw myself from looking forward to holidays that I literally was in shock to find out. Tears uncontrollably rolled down my cheeks and not over how he spoke to me, but as I looked at my baby girl realizing it was not only that she turned 14months old today but this should be a day of celebration with friends and family, food laughs fun, beautiful booms and lights flashing across the sky for her to experiance for the first time. ANd I have no way to give that to her, no one said a word or invited us to join them when I used to have to choose where to go from a long list of invites. When he looked up and saw I was crying ( not making a sound at all just standing there shocked and the tears pouring out) He said “right on cue, you cant ever let me have a good day can you? you always ruin everyday, your so selffish.” in as cold and resentful tone as Im certain you can all imagine. SO I turned and walked away to the bathroom to try and just let it all out without him seeing. On my way All I said was ” I AM allowed to feel please stop treating me as if my cryng is an attempt to cause a rift between us or an attack on you, it is not.Went into the bathroom was going to lock the door but know if I did it would give him an excuse to accuse me of doing or hiding somthing from him..I then curled up coverd my face in a towel so that maybe he wouldnt hear me and treat me even worse for being so emotional and forced myself to cry as hard as I could as fast as I could before he came in. And he did moments later. Pretended to be comforting rubbing my back.. after a min I got up said thank you and tried to go on with my day without showing my pain
Hi Willowsong, if you dont think you can go to the doctors without him knowing then make the appointment and if he questions you tell him you are not feeling well but keep your answer simple so that he does not talk you out of going. It’s important for victims still in their abusive relationship to get their health back on track as it will help you make clear decisions to get your EXIT PLAN together to leave. Take care.
Tom, please can you kindly advise me which are the best books you have read on narcissism? I believe I’m living with one. And recently discovered he is gay. I need to escape and he is going to make my life very difficult. But I’m doing it when I can pack my life up from the other side of the world from home.
Tom thanks so much for the information.
I’ve been in a relationship for 21.5 years. Nine months into it he stopped wanting to have sex and starting rejecting me. Used personal insults to make me distance myself from him so I wouldn’t ask for intimacy. There were many other red flags that I won’t go into. But you will see a man rejecting sex is not usual. I will also be a bit of a narcissist now myself as you don’t know me otherwise I wouldn’t say this 🙂 I am an attractive blonde woman and slim. I’m kind and caring. But he got me to believe I am ugly. Now I don’t believe it because since joining a support group of women who married gay guys I have learned that gay men do that to their straight women. To keep their distance.
My partner as I said didn’t want intimacy and it was perhaps once or twice a year we had sex from 1994 up to 1999 then 10 years without any at all because I stopped initiating.
Then before we moved to another country (after the psychopath encounter) he did it a few times. Over four years on and nothing since.
I also realised from my readings on websites that my partner shows NPD traits and the support group told me that a lot of gay men are narcissists. Also over 50% of them never tell their female partners. Mine denies it. Even though he “sees” gay men everywhere (they act like they are homophobic), if he had sex he would have lights off and turn me so he wasn’t looking at me and he even once told me 21 years ago of an explicit gay thought (I won’t say it here).
That leaves me here today only having recently admitted to myself he is gay. I know I must leave soon this year and go home to my home country. My problem is I don’t know how to do this without him making life difficult and a misery while I plan my exit strategy. He is very, very difficult when he wants to be and very controlling. He could even just cut me off the Internet. I wish I could fly you in to help me as I don’t know how to deal with a narcissist to get away. At the same time I’m bonded to him with oxytocin but I’m letting my head rule here. Help! I need an exit strategy and I need to know how to behave with a narcissist.
I cannot tell you the pain I’m experiencing. I thought waiting all this time he would want me eventually. I’m 48. I cannot fix him. But he broke me. Any guidance will be welcomed Tom. I don’t want this to happen but I must leave. He may one day come out of his closet and dump me for a man. In the meantime I’m getting older and more broken as a woman. This has to end.
Bally and others,
I would highly recommend that you DO NOT BUY “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited”, by Sam Vaknin. This man is not just a narcissist but he is also a very dangerous PSYCHOPATH NARCISSIST!!!.
If you google “I, Psychpath” you can watch the free documentary online following Sam Vaknin on his quest to find out if he is a psychopath. He goes to the top universities Psychology departments in Europe which confirm YES he is a Psychopath. Not only that, these universities confirm he is a master con artist who has been lying about having a PHD when he does not!! Vaknin now is lying by stating he has a college PHD from a USA college which again he does not. In the document he is so abusive to the documentary filmmaker that the filmmaker literally starts to have panic attacks, anxiety, sleep issues etc and does not think he can finish the documentry becuase of Vaknins verbal manipulative abusive and you will also see that Vaknin’s wife is literally is a walking zombie, stepford, robot wife just like you were in your relationship. Vaknin is extremely abusive to his own wife. Please note “I, psychopath” documentary may trigger some victims.
Taking advise from Sam Vaknin would be like taking advise from your ex…supporting Sam Vaknin by reading or buying his book is like reading/buying a book that your ex abuser wrote to con victims out of money. Be wise
For more on Sam Vaknin….do a search right here on Lovefraud as Donna has written a article on Sam Vaknin con artist behavior.
Remember a Psychopath like Sam Vaknin never changes he just comes up with a new con to brain wash and mind control people please dont be a victim of his con game. Know that all sociopath/psychopaths are narcissist too…but not all narcissist are sociopath/psychopaths.
PS if you go to the top margin right here on Lovefraud.com Donna has posted a tab called “book store” where you can find books that she recommends.
I wholeheartedly agree.
Tom – thank you for your posts. The book list you provided is so helpful. The last paragraph in your post to Willowsong above about the woman who planned her escape carefully is what I needed to hear. My escape plan will take much longer that I originally thought it would and I will use that time to be extra careful and extra detailed so that I will have the money and safety that I need. The entire above post to Willowsong was really helpful – I’m sure for all who read it. Thank you.
OpalRose, thank you. I’m glad what I wrote was helpful.
Jan7, thanks for your information too. I’m grateful for Tom’s recommendations however Vaknin was not one I would go along with. I’d seen that program already about him, so had stroked him off Tom’s list.
Great to share thoughts, thank you.
Bally, I want to tell you I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain in your life. It’s very sad how much narcissist/sociopath hurt others especially the long term hurt.
It’s very hard to just walk away from one of these type people…mentally, emotionally, physically…looking back for me the hardest part about leaving was I was so exhausted in all ways. So trying to get the energy to leave was hard…I would make small steps but never big leaps. Looking back I wish I would have reached out for help but because my ex h had me so mentally isolated I did not, even though I wanted to, even though I would think “I want to call my parents and tell them what is going on and that I need their help leaving” but because my ex h had my mind so twisted up I did not do this.
So my advise to you is reach out for help asap dont delay…if you have to write it all down on paper and have your friends/family read your thoughts and what you need help with then do that if you can not verbally express them (which is very common for victims of abuse not to be able to ask for help or know specifically what help is needed).
Reach out to the National Domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE in the US (google if you are out of the USA) and ask them for your local abuse center numbers. Then go for free counseling and free women group meetings. These are a true blessing and will help you tremendously to open your mind up from your abusers mind control. I did not go until after I left my ex h but wish I would have while I was still married as I would have had the guidance to leave but also it would have given me the straight to leave him sooner.
The books I would recommend you read aside from Donna’s books are Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan this one explains the mind control aspect, Women who love psychopaths by Sandra brown and also The sociopath next door by Martha Stout (this one you can listen to on you tube for free). The third book is not very detailed but it does describe how manipulative these evil people are and that they will not change.
The biggest thing you have to do when still with a narcissist or sociopath/narcissist is to open your mind up to all of the brain washing/mind control that has occurred by him. To do this keep reading everything you can get your hands on plus read everything at the top red/gray margin of this wonderful site and watch the videos at the top too. See facebooks page One moms battle and After narcissistic abuse. Psychopathyawareness.wordpress, psychopathfree.com too. google Gas lighting abuse & no contact rule narcissist. You might also want to talk to Donna on the phone..she charges a min fee to do this but she is extremely knowledgeable with how to help someone leave plus educate them on how to open up your mind. The other thing is look into adrenal fatigue…see adrenalfatigue.org, drlam.com, mialundin.com and take care of your physically exhaustion.
Wishing you all the best!
Jan7 that is useful information. Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me and for your care and understanding.
Bally, you are welcome. Please post here for help too…there are so many great people who come to this site all in different stages of healing and some still in their abusive relationship. Like others have stated it takes a village to heal…so just to let you know we are all here for you!!
Tom Booker Echo,
I have to strongly disagree with you stating that “sociopaths are brutally honest”….ALL PSYCHOPATHS ARE PATHOLOGICAL LIARS!! Everything out of their mouth is a lie or twisted story to con someone out of something and Sam Valkin is no different from the rest of the psychopaths on this planet. He is EVIL like all the rest of them!
You state: “… but his (Sam Valkin’s) wife also has a condition which makes her need an abusive relationship to feel satisfied (the point is, his wife is also responsible for her abuse, because she knows what he is and stays with him. It’s her choice)…” ……WHAT Tom are you talking about !?!?!?! His wife was conned into a relationship with Sam Valkin exactly how every victims is conned by lies, lovebombing and manipulation.
You State: “She (valkins wife) has a condition that “makes her need a abusive relationship to feel satisfied”….NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE ABUSED!!! He has her mind so twisted up from mind control, gas lighting abuse, reward and punishment, manipulation, pathological lying, trance, hypnosis etc that she is a zombie, stepford wife, robot and does everything her husband demands out of total fear!! This is what Psychopaths do like Valkin to control their victims” and his wife is no different then all of the other victims on this site.
it seriously makes me wonder about you and your motives for such statements. Are you Valkin?? He always is trolling around sites like this one trying sell his books.
Never in a million years would I ever give money to another psychopath especially Sam Valkin who is conning vulnerable victims out of their money. I SAY BUY DONNA’S BOOKS because she is truly helping victims and has taking her horrible situation and done something truly amazing including making this wonderful site full of information for free if you can not afford to buy her book!!!
Remeber there are no “good” psychopaths or sociopath on this planet!!!
Jan7, I will admit to wondering about whether T.B.Echo was possibly a mole-path myself after an odd response he wrote to one of my posts, when it gave me a ‘gut feeling’ that he is off a bit, sort of like how my ex Spath is off a bit, when I thought about my reaction to his posts’ ‘essence’ in comparison to the essence of most other LF friends responses to each other. He didn’t sound like one of us to put it simply. It could just be that he has a hard time saying what he really means, until he gets a reaction from one of us. ? just askin’ ? Maybe he is trying to be helpful. Who knows.
Now that we know so much about the tactics of spath-ick people, we should trust our instincts…. yes?
What kind of reaction are we having to T.B.E.?
For at least two of us, it seems not to be a positive one caused by reading his posts and then his explanation reply on why his post was seen as offensive and that we can learn from it and what it was he actually meant, and that it was a sort of warning. Much too Eerily like my ex honestly, whether it was intended by T.B.E. or not….. just sayin’ ?
IMO we are all pretty much very attuned to seemingly antagonistic, blame the victim for letting the ongoing abuse happen to her type comments that were contained in T.B.E. post and have a natural reaction of WTF! or a different version of WTF!? I can’t understand the part about her ‘needing’ abuse either….. too foreign a concept for this temporarily mind effed victim of a sociopath. Who ‘needs’ abuse for crying out loud….. sick
(((hugs to you Jan7)))
Jenni
Jenni, I agree with everything you stated! thank you for your post…I read and feel RED flags throughout his post not just this page but others post Donna has posted and he has responded to just like you, normally I just ignore his post …he seems to “echo” = mimic other peoples post that to me makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, plus like you state when he “re caps” what he meant it is very manipulative and very contradictory of his previous post.
Sticking with my first gut reaction too with his first post…the only reason why I posted in response is because I do not want a new person on this site to think this is normal for people to blame the victim for “wanting to be abused”.
Hugs right back at you Jenni…thank you!!!
I also was suspicious.
Tom, if you read Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan you will see anyone and everyone can be sucked into a sociopath/psychopaths game. He states it does not matter if you came from a perfect family life or not, does not matter if you had a good childhood or not..these psychopath will con anyone.
Sam Valkins tactic is to verbally bully his target until that person has a emotional break down as he attempted to do the the documentary filmmaker of “I, Pyshcopath”….Valkin’s literally bullies his target until the target ends up with high anxiety, panic attacks, sleep issues etc…it did not take him very long to cause these adrenal fatigue symptoms in the documentary filmmaker…and not doubt he did this to his own wife and that is why she is a walking zombie, stepford, robat wife now. She is exactly like any cult follower who can no longer think for her self because her evil husband is programing her mind every min of the day.
The saddest part is the filmmaker nor the psychologist who examined & determined Sam Valkin to be a psychopath never gave her tools or therapy to get her to leave her abuser. Valkin moved his wife to a new country after he was caught as a con artist and went to trail for his con games where she has no friends/family etc to help her escape.
Hitler manipulated, love bombed, brain washed and mind controlled over 17 million Germans to vote for him…soon after more Germans & Europeans followed him because of his con game/brain washing throughout Europe…same goes for all of the other Dictators of the world past or present. Not all people are “disordered” that follow a sociopath…they were just not educated on the evil games these people play. Not everyone is educated on Lance Armstrongs con game or Bernie Madoffs con game or Ron L Hubbard (church of scientology founder) or any other sociopath for that matter. I highly doubt that Valkins wife was “disordered” before she met him…now yes she is so brain washed/mind controlled she needs experts to help her unravel all of his mind games has played on her with is crazy disordered brain.
You State “ideia behind what I wrote is that she appears to be the type who is attracted to distorted characters”….how in the world do you even make such a blanketed statement Tom?!?!?! Most victims of sociopath/psychopath see the red flags the min the meet these people but because of societies norms they are polite to these people and sociopaths know how to manipulate their targets quickly that the victims has no idea they are being conned.
If you watch Sam Valkin;s video or read his books you are bound to be brain washed no doubt just as if you were listening to Hitlers, Stalin or castro’s words. Why? Because sam is a psychopath and all psychopaths love to manipulate, lie and con good people. Tom, Be careful what band wagon you jump on to heal because defending someone like Valkin a know psychopath will only drive you right back into hell!!
Your post really got to me. When you mentioned they “never gave her tools or therapy to get her to leave her abuser” I felt I needed to post a comment. My family and I have been trying to help my sister realize she is being abused. She is brainwashed into thinking that this woman is actually good for her. She has once admitted that she feels she can’t do anything right and needs to do a better job of fixing herself. We’ve tried to get her to therapy, etc., but every time we try, the therapist and pastor tell her to give it 24 hours to think about it. Well, she goes home and of course we aren’t able to get close to her for months. How can we help her?
NeedsHelp, the book Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs by Steven Hassan will give you and your family the tools to help open up your sisters mind from the mind control she is under.
Steven Hassan himself was inducted into a cult when he was in college and with his families help and ex cult members he escape the cults mind control. He then returned to college obtained his masters in counseling and has dedicated his life’s work for the past 30 years to helping people leave cults and abusive relationships.
By changing your approach you can and will get your sisters mind to open up…Hassan is considered a leading expert on the subject he has been on 60 mins, Larry King Live, The John Walsh show (John Walsh of Americans most wanted show/Adam Walshs father), CNN etc. His site is Freedomofmind.com there is lots of info on his site if you go up to the top right corner click on “Bite model” to see exactly how your sisters abuser has taken over her mind.
If you view your sisters abuser exactly like a cult leader then you will see that you will need to have tools to open up her mind from the mind control she is under. All abuser whether dictators, cult leaders, pimps, child molesters, drug dealers, domestic abusers are all narcissist or sociopath/psychopath narcissist. This is why it is important to view her abuser as a cult leader and your sister as a cult follower. The book Freedom of mind will give you the tools to help your sister see she is being abused. I would also suggest that you contact Steven Hassan via phone for a phone consolation…he changes a fee but it will be the best money spent.
bring your sister to Lovefraud and have her watch Donna’s videos at the top under the red/grey margin labeled “videos”. Hassan says to open up the victims mind you must ask questions then wait for the answer even if you have to wait 10, 20 30 mins…the victims mind is working to sort through the question. So after each video ask her if her abused did/does these things in the video. then wait for an answer before asking another question. I can tell you from my own experience this is the approach all victims need to get their mind opened up and to be able to finally leave.
In addition google “gas lighting abuse” and read everything especially the one on healthyplace.com…print that one out and have your sister read it…there is a list of questions in the article for her to read.
Never belittle her abuser…the abuser has manipulated her to think that she is the only one to protect the abuser…she has been conditioned by her abuser…so if you say anything negative about her abuser it will tighten the bond with her abuser.
DONT give up on helping your sister out…she is desperate for help but because her abuser has her mind so twisted up she can not think clearly to find the door out of her abusive relationships…but you and your family can help her find the door you just need to learn how to do this.
You are truly an amazing sister for trying to help your sister to leave her abusive relationship. Please dont give up on her, she needs all the help she can get. Show your sister also the National Domestic abuse hotline website and have her program their phone number in her phone so that she can call a free counselor 24/7.
Wishing you and your family all the best with this situation. Take care
Needshelp, I just want to add that most counselors are not educated on how to identify a victim of abuse, how to spot a narcissist/sociopath or educated on how to help the victim out of the abusive relationship. This is why your sister did not return to counseling and why she cut you out for a time period. This is also why it is important to help your sister find a counselor who is extremely knowledgable with narcissist abuse…someone like Steven Hassan maybe able to direct you to a local counselor…but he is the best bet for you and your family right now to get the tools needed to open your sisters mind up and he is also the best bet to have your sister call him to open up her mind. Just one phone call with him may open up her mind…it can be that quick with someone highly specialized in tactics of abusers mind control/brain washing.
Then after her mind is opened up she can talk with Donna Anderson here at Lovefraud to educate her on exactly what she endured and to sort through all of her mind chaos.
In addition her health is most likely being affected by all the stress have her look at sites like adrenalfatigue.org (have her look at the symptoms list too), drlam.com, mialundin.com buy her book for your sister.
Thank you so much for replying so quickly. I am sitting here crying because I’m finally feeling validated. The counselor told my family and me that my sister must be getting something out of this relationship and on some level we needed to accept it. Well, that was a huge waste of time. He made me feel like I was the crazy one!
I am going to print your reply and share it with my family. I will do as much as I can to help my sister, even though my mother and father have practically given up. I think they are hurt so deeply they can’t take the roller coaster ride anymore (they’re 84 yrs old now).
Thanks again for your help!!!
NeedsHelp, your welcome…sending you lots of hugs. Let those tears out hon because that is part of your healing process of the emotional stress you have been under trying to help your sister. I can not thank you enough for your continue effort in trying to help your sister…not to many family members have the strength to continue on to help their loved one…you are a strong person!!! There is no doubt you will break your sisters mind free from her abuser and there is no doubt that your sister will never be able thank you enough for your fortitude but she will be so thankful for her freedom.
After I finally had the proof of my ex h’s two year affair, I was done with the marriage…it was my card out of my wedding vows. But he was so masterful at manipulating me with his pity play, gas lighting abuse, and mind games and begged me to go to marriage counseling….well that was a a game for him to continue on with his charades. The first counseling session the counselor spoke with both of us separate for about 10 mins…in that time I told her that my h (ex now) lied about everything, manipulated everyone, had no guilt or remorse for anything he did, cheated, used pity plan on and on (every trait of a sociopath without me knowing what I was describing) she never once asked me questions to see if I was in fact a victim of abuse, never did she tell me I needed to leave him. She failed me tremendously I stayed another 7 years and the abuse got worse and worse because my h knew that I would leave him because I would seek counseling without him if he did not control every second of my time.
The second marriage counselor (only went to him because he would continually tell me he did not trust the first counselor common tactic with a sociopath to keep the victim isolated from seeking help)…I told the second one in a private session that my husband controlled everything…no help from him either…I remember sitting in his office wishing he would ask me questions about my husband abusing me…my mind was so twisted up that I would not explain my abusive marriage to him…this is why the book Freedom of mind is so good because it explains this approach to free the victims mind. What I learned from my own experience and other abuse victims is that most counselors are clueless about abuse. So your experience with that uneducated counselor sadly does not surprise me but you should be so proud that you still followed your gut and continued to find that truth leading you to lovefraud. I am still trying to come to terms with two counselors not telling me my husband was a sociopath when all the signs were there!!
I was thinking the best way to show your sister this wonderful site (Lovefraud) was to have her over to your home alone and then say I want to show you this site that my friend showed me then watch the videos and say “Do you know anyone that does these things?”….also “Have you been in a relationship that someone did these things to you to get you to go out with them?” …she may not answer your questions and that is ok the wheels are turning in her mind and you have introduced Lovefruad.com to her and she may visit on her on time. Thats what you want!!
NeedsHelp…I just want you to know that we hear you, we feel your pain…and yes that counselor was completely clueless a real idiot about your situation and your relationship with your sister…it’s clear that by you coming here for help you truly love your sister unconditionally…that is the type of person everyone wants in their corner!!
Yes, Educate your family too on her abuser….see sites like lisascott.com the pathforward, psychopathyawareness.wordpress, psychoapthyfree.com….google gas lighting abuse and no contact rule narcissist (once your sister leaves her abuser she will need to use this rule to break the emotional bond (addiction) to her abuser and it is also important that her family/friends follow this rule as the abuser usually tries to manipulate the family/friends to get the victim to go back to the relationship. Google “smear campaign narcissist” and “smear campaign socipoath” this is what her abuser has been doing and will do when she leaves.
Facebook pages that are excellent for support After narcissistic abuse and One moms battle (open a fake email account then open a fake facebook acct with that name that way you can chat freely with out her abuser seeing anything. Show your sister these sites too…have her open a fake facebook page too.
Have her google EXIT PLAN for her to learn about how to safely exit her relationship…remember the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when she leaves..so an exit plan is a must…she can also google “dr phil exit plan” and go to the national domestic violence hotline website to learn more and she can call the hotline and talk about an exit plan plus they can give her local abuse center numbers to set up a free counseling session to get more info on an exit plan…please let her know she does not need to do everything on her own there is so much help at the abuse center for her. Had someone shown me these site when I was in my abusive marriage I would have left soon because everything would have a had a concrete answer to my ex h’s crazy behavior and manipulation.
You may not be able to get your parents to see the truth about your sister situation and that is ok they are set in their ways so you may have to do this one your own dont get frustrated with them …just know we are here for you so just come here and post on the first post that you need more help or you need someone to explain what you read about abusers and how your sister is thinking.
Lots of hugs to you, take care
well said. I’m glad you took the time to put this info out here.
Jan7 and Tom, thank you both. The main thing for me is that you both wanted to help me. Hugs to you both.