Sociopathy, many experts agree, is a deficits disorder.
The sociopath, in this view, is missing something—things like empathy, remorse, and basic respect for the boundaries of others.
When you think of a deficit—something missing—you don’t necessarily think dire consequences.
You may think, instead, things like less”¦incomplete”¦limited.
For instance, the idea of intellectual deficit might spark the association, mental retardation.
Instead of invoking fear, this tends to elicit our understanding, even empathy. The mentally retarded individual is missing something that most of us have—a normal intellectual capacity. You think, this is unfortunate, for that person.
When you think of kids with attentional deficits, you’re likely to bring some extra patience toward the challenges their condition presents. Your accomodation is based on recognizing their behaviors as originating in a deficit.
When dealing with the Asperger’s Syndrome population, you understand their social inaptitude as arising from a neurologic difference. And so in responding to the Asperger individual’s peculiarities, you allow that he or she, on a social level, is operating with less than a full deck.
In general, when speaking of disorders of deficits, we tend, or at least try, not to take the consequences arising from the disorder personally. We recognize the deficit as something the person doesn’t ask for and, at best, struggles to control.
This isn’t to deny, or minimize, the impact of the individual’s difficult behaviors. But in locating that impact in a deficit, we can potentially experience it as less personally injurious.
Sociopathy, however, presents an interesting challenge in this regard. Research increasingly implicates brain differences in sociopaths. Sociopaths, we are learning, fail to experience and process certain emotions like nonsociopaths. Their capacity to learn from aversive consequences appears to be compromised. And they show evidence of certain enduring forms of attentional pathology, involving defective inhibitory and impulse control.
The sociopath, in a word, appears to be a psychologically handicapped individual.
Yet it’s hard to empathize with the sociopath, who himself lacks empathy. And how not to personalize his actions—actions that can cause so much personal pain? And how not to personalize that pain, even if it results from the sociopath’s deficits?
It brings to mind the concept of processing a vicious dog attack. The dog is vicious. It attacks you. It knows it is attacking you. We can even imagine that it knows, on a primitive level, that it is wounding you. The dog needs to be leashed, kept away from others. Improperly secured, it sees you walking down the street, primitively registering your vulnerability. And then it attacks, remorselessly.
While it’s true that we can ascribe to sociopaths (and not dogs) a capacity to evaluate their prey and plot their means of attack, we run the risk, I think, of giving the sociopath too much credit.
After all, if the sociopath’s deficits destine him to interpersonal exploitation, does his exploitation become personal simply by virtue of his capacity to plot it?
Sure, the vicious dog, unlike the sociopath, may lack calculation and plotting skills. But for all intents and purposes, unless locked-up, both will inevitably attack and/or violate. The vicious dog, if it doesn’t attack you, will attack someone else. And if you are lucky enough to escape the sociopath’s transgressions, someone else won’t be.
From this perspective, the sociopath’s deficits will take forms of interpersonal exploitation just as surely as the child with ADHD can be expected to obnoxiously disrupt others, heedless of their boundaries.
From this angle, it’s possible to construe the sociopath’s aggression as tantamount to a hurricane’s damaging your house. The wreckage may be great, and traumatic; but it is the wreckage, ultimately, of an irrepressibly violent, impersonal force.
Arguably, this defines the sociopath: an irrepressibly [interpersonally] violent, impersonal force.
We hope, through our awareness, prudence, and luck, never to suffer its destructiveness. But if less lucky, we can remind ourselves that the sociopath, in the final analysis, is about as pointless, worthless, and arbitrary as a natural disaster.
(My use of “he” in this article was for consistency’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
khatalyst: I don’t know if you have every read Tolle’s book “A New Earth” … but, in his book, I loved, loved, loved how he incorporated all the mystical breathing techniques and incorporated it into one, quick book to show you how to do breathing yoga … 1, 2. 3 to go into the now. It is the best, best, best technique of incorporated all forms of martial arts …meditation, spiritual healing … in his own words … genius, simply unique how he did this.
I used to take a martial art … and if anyone knows anything about martial arts … it’s not the combat … that’s secondary … it’s a way of life, the spiritual essence of a person … peace, serenity, respect for yourself as you respect others … and if you are very spiritual, very centered … very now … you will see the blue corona.
So, Khatalyst … I think you too may just enjoy this journey … it sounds to me, you too are searching for the “why” of your spiritual essence.
Peace.
Jesus taught in parables because it not only taught people things in a simple way that they could understand, but in a way that they could REMEMBER. Since the dawn of time people have taught their children with parables and stories. Especially in a culture of illiteracy.
The custom in my own Scots-Irish culture is to teach with parables and “jokes” and stories. I have a “thousand” of them inside my head (no short term memory, but that long term memory stays intact! LOL)
The problem for me was that I didn’t APPLY THEM to my own life. Another one that aptly illustrates us (victims) and them (psychopaths) is the one about the old Indian walking along a creek.
He came upon a rattle snake (the ultimate psychopath) and the snake begged him to carry him across the river. The Indian very wisely said “NO, you’ll bite me and I will die.” The snake of course (the ultimate psychopath) started thepity play and said, “Oh, NO, I promise I won’t bite you and Imust get across there my wife and children are on the other side, and they will starve to death if I don’t get across. PLEASE HAVE PITY ON ME and carry me across”
The Indian, having been raised to be kind to all God’s creatures finally had pity on the snake (we nust NEVER HAVE PITY ON THE PSYCHOPATH!) picked the snake up and started wading across the river, holding the snake up so he would lnot get wet.
Right in the middle of the river when the Indian was barely able to keep his onw head and the snake above the rushing water, the snake struck and bit the Indian in the face.
The shocked Indian looked at the snake and said “Why did you do that, You promised not to bite me. Now I will not be able to get to the other side and we will BOTH DIE. WHY DID YOU DO THIS. YOU PROMOSED ME.”
The snake looked at the Indian as they both sank below the waves, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”
The person who has never dealth with a psychopath, of course, usually doesn’t know about them, but we who are former victims, must learn from our experience and never pick up another one. WE NOW KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
I am one of those slow learners who have picked up multiple psychopaths, knowing what they are—and denying the RED FLAGS of their poison nature. I hope I have finally learned that you cannot pick up a psychpath, you cannot have pity on them, they will bite you, even if it means that they also will die.
Jesus gave us the parable of a fruit tree to let us avoid evil people. WE ARE TO INSPECT THEIR FRUIT—look at their behavior, what they do and how they behave—if the fruit crop is wormy, nasty, rotten, then we know that the “Tree” is rotten, wormy and nasty. We are to chop this tree out of our orchard. Makes great sense to us all! Easy to remember.
OxD
You don’t hold on to any Hope? That The God of the Whole Universe could heal them in an instant? Jesus healed the blind , lame , Dumb , possesed , any of the syndromes of this worldly world! Curious that from such a schollar as your self that you could Imagin a condition that Our Lord can not Handel! Your wrong! Move Mountains means exactly that! There is no evil that is beyond The LIGHT! LOVE JJ
Dear Indigo,
I do not believe that you can show me a single instance in the Bible where God healed someone against their will.
The apostle Paul was given special dispensation because he was a man who BELIEVED even though he was mistaken in his beliefs, but Paul was willing to be healed.
God could make a race of robots that would always follow his commands and love him completely, but that is not what God did. He gave us FREE WILL and we can love Him or not.
Our psychopaths have free will and they have made the choices they have FREELY. While I don’t doubt that God could Zap them with a bolt of lightening and they would instantly become GOOD people, I think it is unfounded “hope” to think that He is going to do so.
Me hoping “against hope” that my son would CHOOSE to repent, chose to be sorry for his deeds is MALIGNANT, it is NOT realistic and I am not going to hope that my son will repent any more than I am going to hope that I will find a Geni in a bottle that will grant me three wishes.
I am not going to bring a rattle snake home and hope that if I love it enough, pet it enough, and am kind enough to it that it will stop being a poison snake that will bite me. It ain’t gonna grow fur and be a puppy no matter how much I want it to be one. I think I’d rather get a puppy to start out with. LOL
Oxy: But we are seeing a miracle God has shown us recently.
Look at the 700 plus TRILLION dollar bailout.
Now, Obama and his team need to know the facts that it was the spiritually stunted individuals (those that don’t care and give everyone lip service) on Wall Street and the Car Industry that should not, absolutely, positively NOT get their greedy paws on any of that money.
They (Obama’s team) need to by pass the greedy idiot CEOs hotshots and all their LIP SERVICE … and insure that the money goes to the REAL people and not the greedy selfish people that caused the fiasco in the first place.
They won’t change, they can’t. They can only give lip service and nothing but lip service.
If those greedy CEOs get their hands on that money, that money will go from Obama’s hands to the greedy hands … to spend, spend, spend it on themselves again … still giving everyone lip service. And then where are we … back to before square one … back how many paces because the lip service folks can’t and won’t change their greedy ways. They are obsessed with greed. Period.
It is up to us (we are the miracles) to ensure our knowledge of the anti-socials is heard, loud and clear … screaming from the mountain tops … DO NOT LET THE GREEDY GET THEIR HANDS ON THE MONEY … kick them to the curb (sorry, that is their lot in life … they sowed what they should reap) and let’s call it a day with the big egos of society.
That goes for the rest of them wheeling the powers at high places … kick the lip service whores to the curb … and lets start building a real world, with real responsible people again.
Yes, God can change these greedy people, but he’s been working on us first … we have to change our ways … to go humble, to love … It’s when we change and send out love … will God then work on the greedy and all the other viced focused folks in the world. Right now, we don’t have time for the 2nd miracle … we do have the knowledge to let us know that the anti-socials are giving everyone nothing but lip service for anything they do.
It’s time for the world to open their eyes to see.
Peace.
OxD
I just feel it is worth the Prayer! To Forgive is to be Forgiven! I brought a Rattle snake to Thanksgiving one year I caught it on my way There . It was not Happy or gratefull for my saving it from the road. Poision is what you eat , Venomis is from being Biten. Poor Snakes always taken the Blame for Bad People! Cursed from that day on!
Thanks OxD I know you know what I am talking about or feeling or typing. On Holidays The Folks welcome Rattle Snakes! Just not the Human ones! LOVE JJ
I’ve been on deadline today writing an article, trying to keep up with all these wonderful posts, but with no time to chime in. This has been a really interesting thread.
We’ve gotten into a lot of discussion about spirituality, some of which reflects my thinking and other parts not. Which doesn’t matter, I think, because whatever brings you home is a good thing.
However, I do regard this recovery process as analogous to recovery from an addiction. Why we got addicted is another story, but the immediate problem is to find the inner strength to let go and learn to live without the sociopath, and to create a new life without the addiction warping our feelings, thoughts and lives.
To that end, if you follow the AA model, it’s not going to work unless we can find a higher power. Not least because we’ve clearly made such a mess of things, and we need to learn how to trust again.
I had a deeply felt spirituality before I got involved with my sociopath. But I lost it in that involvement, when his reality became more compelling to me than my own. And then, when I put myself in my own recovery program, one of the first things I had to do was face the fact that I was going to have to live without it for at least the early stages, while I was going through the blaming, judging and angry phase.
But I also believed in the idea of getting well again. Mid-stream in my recovery, if someone had asked me if I was really going to get over this, I couldn’t have given a definitive answer. I was too far from the end. The pain and dealing with it were still the biggest things in my life. But I believed it in the path, believed in what I was doing. I didn’t have a book or a teacher to show me the way. I didn’t know if anyone else had ever tried to do alone what I was doing (figure out what was wrong with me and fix it). I had no proof I wasn’t going to do more damage to myself. I just had faith that it was the right thing to do.
When you’re deep in the trenches with your pain, not to mention facing up to the most dysfunctional parts of yourself, like the ancient grief and anger that’s been secretly warping your life for years, it’s hard to feel close to a spiritual source. I used to go to bed in that era, thinking, “Please give me guidance. Please help me learn faster.” But, in my mind, asking for things is a kind of low-level communion.
What I wanted from my spirituality… no, what I want from my life is to be connected to my version of God, the inner spark that animates this flesh, and that uses me to experience and act on the world. I believe that my God is in me, and it’s my job to clear away the static. If I do a job of it, I’m connected, creative and doing good.
I’ve had several full-blown metaphysical experiences, one that went on for weeks, and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I learned in them. I tried to live my life in the way I described above. I was only sporadically successful at being really connected, because of the noise and junk that just wouldn’t stop coming. I was chronically anxious and needy. Just trying to deal with my emotions led me into all sorts of trouble.
One of the troubles it led me to is the sociopath.
But I view him only as a kind of manifestation of what was wrong with me anyway. (This perspective comes from years of work on this; I didn’t start out thinking this way.) I had all kinds of addictions I didn’t view as addictions. Like the need to be validated by other people to believe I was worthwhile, pretty, smart, lovable. Like the fear of being alone, which led to a kind of relationship addiction. Like to need to have more love and attention than anyone I was involved with, because I just couldn’t believe they loved me or that I was safe in the relationship. There’s more, but you get the picture.
He was a fix for addictions that were there already. A lot of them. And what he was really good at, in the beginning, was identifying those things I needed so desperately, and characterizing himself as the answer. And then he began to withdraw the fix, and I went totally whacko, because I’d pinned everything on him. So I did what I always did — tried harder, gave him more, worked at convincing him that I was really wonderful.
And he played me. That’s what he was there for — to play me and get as much out of it as he could, for as little as possible from him. It was a perfect con. You can’t con someone who doesn’t have a hunger, and I had a lot of hunger.
So where was my spirituality while all this was going on? Well, it was probably that little voice amid all the desperate noise and pain that kept saying calmly to me, “This is important.” I didn’t know what it meant, but the voice was clearly part of me and clearly thought I was in the middle of something valuable.
It wasn’t exactly the most spiritual part of my life. And it was a long, long time before I started to pull my spiritual self back together. Really together. And that started when I seriously started working on the blaming and judging. Hate and love don’t coexist very well. And I wanted to get back to the love.
Looking back, I am astonished at how much faith I had in my recovery process, even though I didn’t really know anything except the next right thing to do. I was so certain of that. For the first time in my life, I was absolutely invulnerable to other people’s opinions. I don’t know where I found the trust in myself, but I suspect that too was the influence of my inner God. She believes in me, as well as vice versa.
BTW to Wini, yes, I’m an Eckert Tolle fan too. If you like him, check out Arjuna Ardagh, any of his CD’s. They give a lot of food for thought, and some very cool techniques for developing a new relationship with your feelings.
Oh, and Oxy, you rock.
I’ve been reading through the thread on why did we stay. Great stuff.
I wish we could figure out how to have a convention.
Hope everyone had a lovely/loving/loved Thanksgiving!
I was without human company (but shared it with my two posh, spoiled felines) as the fam is 2000 miles away and honestly…yesterday was tranquil for me. Doesn’t mean I don’t truly love the fam, but hey…sometimes spending time alone is nice. Or in my case, essential for the maintaining of my sanity…haha.
Khatalyst–you said you still love your ex and always will. I think that is commendable. I don’t harbor any affection for any of my exes, whether they were psychos or just wounded dudes who were incapable of honest, loving committments. I feel…nothing, only a sense of pity for them and the harm they cause for the next woman on their list. But, if you feel what you feel and make no qualms about it, then so be it.
I think in time those deeper feelings for him will fade. It is inevitable, I think. Especially if you meet a sincerely wonderful man who respects you and truly desires your company. A man who enjoys sharing, giving, caring and loving you. Just a thought.
After reading more comments on different threads, I would like to share some knowledge that I’ve learned over the past few months (and probably years of inner reflection) to those who are still struggling with the repercussions of loving PDIs.
First off, I realize that some of you have never been involved with a PDI before the one that brought you to LF. That is an excruiating discovery to make. I would think that your whole world is topsy turvy, that you are questioning all and everthing, even yourself as you struggle with reality. Wow, my heart goes completely out to you. You are very brave, very strong to share with us the details of the betrayal, the avalanche of lies, the gutwrenching heartbreak as you seek answers to an horrific experience.
Me, like Oxylady and others, have literally been exposed to psychos our entire lives. My bio father was a psychopath as was hers. Now, you may think to yourselves…”well, if you’ve had intimate awareness of psychos, why did you continue to allow them into your life?” There’s the crux of the matter.
I can only speak for myself, but I really didn’t know what a PDI was until 3 years ago after reading Hare’s–Without Conscience. I emphatically knew my bio father was bad news from the get go, therefore I had limited interraction with him. He wasn’t in any shape or form what would be considered a beneficial role model. After reading WC, all the pieces of the puzzle came together to give me the only credible picture possible.
I shockingly realized, little by little as time passed after reading such a valuable book, that because of him I had volunteered for other psychos to wreak havoc on me and my life. Why wouldn’t I? I’ve never really known any other type of behavior from a man. So I guess I normalized my bio father’s behavior, actions, words and let myself be bamboozled by the worst of the worst.
My final involvement with a PDI only ended at the beginning of 2008. I met him in the fall of 2007, fell in love with his carefully constructed illusion created for me, was devalued and discarded within 5 months.
That crushing heartbreak sent me to LF, and then many more months of researching, avidly reading any and all literature I could find on PDIs. What a tremendous blessing these authors and brave survivors (like Donna) have brought to my own healing and recovery is quite beyond me to verbally express. My very essence applauds and thanks you. Hope that’s not too melodramatic..haha.
Ok, now to the present. What I really would like to share to all the readers, is that once you get to a point in your healing where you no longer yearn for the ex, where you no longer really care about his present status and who he’s involved with currently, the door to enligtenment is within your grasp.
This is the stage I refer to as inner reflection. Going all the way back to the beginning of your childhood and working forward through the pain that was inflicted upon your innocent, vulnerable self. This is what Donna most eloquently describes as…”finding the gold”. Boy, is she so correct with that phrase! (thnxs Donna)
Oh yeah, not only was I hurting from being coldly discarded but when all the past of pain and suffering came hurtling at me like a comet, I was down on my knees begging our Holy Father to give me strength to endure, to please help me to understand the turmoil I was being consumed by. And, he did. And with his loving, guiding hand I eventually passed through that “trial by fire” and began on a most wonderful spiritual journey.
Oh, I’ve relapsed oodles of time, wondering if I really am so unlovable, so unworthy of being respected, accepted for who I really am, the way the Creator made me. But those times became fewer as I became truly comfortable in my own skin, totally diggin the woman I am, accepting me first before expecting anyone else to.
And as each of you start loving yourselves just the way you are, as a beautiful complex human being, you’ll notice you begin to heed your beloved intuition better, that you no longer ignore even the tiniest of red flags from an interested suitor. And why should you? You deserve to be respected. You deserve to be loved and cared for as you love and care for others. You deserve to be cherished as you cherish.
It’s all common sense and logic at this point and with this newfound sense of self you will no longer tolerate ANY bs from anyone who thinks to abuse and exploit you. In fact, as your confidence and self respect continues to grow, you won’t even attract these type of people.
Oh, they’ll be skulking, sniffing close by, sizing you up as fresh, tasty meat but they will stay the hell away because you exude such tremendous personal power, such clarity in yourself, aware of your vulnerabilities, but NOT displaying them for the world to see.
Your life is no one’s business, especially some strange person, so you learn to be noncommittal. You learn to keep your own counsel. You learn to retain your dignity, your honor, your noble spirit and this, my friends, is kryptonite to psychos. They can’t compete with a person who is so self possessed. They may try, but you will simply walk away in disgust, repulsed by such sleazy, exploitive behavior.
What I’ve written above is not wishful thinking. It is fact. It is reality. How do I know this to be true? Because I’m living that reality. Finally, I say, with a big hearty sigh of relief and liberty.
It will happen for all of you, if you truly believe in yourselves with every ounce of your being. Have faith.
Dear Wini, Don’t get me started on the “bail out”—-I don’t even want to think of the corruption that is.
Indi, I do pray for him, but what happens to him is between him and God.
Khatalyst,
Yes, to me the spiritual aspect is the grease that makes the wheels turn in a healing/recovery from whatever it is—drugs, booze, psychopaths, or just dysfunctional relationships in general.
The thing that held me back for so long was my acceptence of my mother’s Pharisee-like “holier-than-thou” requirements to meet HER DEFINITION of what was “spiritual”—until I developed my OWN spiritual outlook and accepted it as OK, then I could heal. Not before.
I think each of us must develop our OWN UNIQUE SPIRITUAL ASPECT…not that it can’t be a “Christian” or a “Jewish” or whatever, or a “Higher power” or whatever rings your chimes, but it has to be something that is YOURS. Not yours “alone” necessarily, but one that you belive in because YOU believe in it, not because you were raised in that “religion” or “born in it” or someone else thought it was right, it must be YOURS. It must make sense to you, comfort YOU…it isn’t the “my church is better than your church” or “I have the ONLY way to heaven” it must be what you are comfortable with and truly “buy into”—-I had been trying to buy into what my mother “preached” for my entire life, but it never “clicked.” NOW, my own definition of Christianity is what DOES click. I don’t need my mother’s approval to communicate with God. She is not the “doorway” to God for me. She is not the only one that can put in a “Person to Person” phone call to God.
This whole chaotic mess, though it has caused great pain, worse than child labor pains ever thought about being, has yet, allowed me to “give birth” to a new me. A new life for me. I have truly “been born again.”