Sociopathy, many experts agree, is a deficits disorder.
The sociopath, in this view, is missing something—things like empathy, remorse, and basic respect for the boundaries of others.
When you think of a deficit—something missing—you don’t necessarily think dire consequences.
You may think, instead, things like less”¦incomplete”¦limited.
For instance, the idea of intellectual deficit might spark the association, mental retardation.
Instead of invoking fear, this tends to elicit our understanding, even empathy. The mentally retarded individual is missing something that most of us have—a normal intellectual capacity. You think, this is unfortunate, for that person.
When you think of kids with attentional deficits, you’re likely to bring some extra patience toward the challenges their condition presents. Your accomodation is based on recognizing their behaviors as originating in a deficit.
When dealing with the Asperger’s Syndrome population, you understand their social inaptitude as arising from a neurologic difference. And so in responding to the Asperger individual’s peculiarities, you allow that he or she, on a social level, is operating with less than a full deck.
In general, when speaking of disorders of deficits, we tend, or at least try, not to take the consequences arising from the disorder personally. We recognize the deficit as something the person doesn’t ask for and, at best, struggles to control.
This isn’t to deny, or minimize, the impact of the individual’s difficult behaviors. But in locating that impact in a deficit, we can potentially experience it as less personally injurious.
Sociopathy, however, presents an interesting challenge in this regard. Research increasingly implicates brain differences in sociopaths. Sociopaths, we are learning, fail to experience and process certain emotions like nonsociopaths. Their capacity to learn from aversive consequences appears to be compromised. And they show evidence of certain enduring forms of attentional pathology, involving defective inhibitory and impulse control.
The sociopath, in a word, appears to be a psychologically handicapped individual.
Yet it’s hard to empathize with the sociopath, who himself lacks empathy. And how not to personalize his actions—actions that can cause so much personal pain? And how not to personalize that pain, even if it results from the sociopath’s deficits?
It brings to mind the concept of processing a vicious dog attack. The dog is vicious. It attacks you. It knows it is attacking you. We can even imagine that it knows, on a primitive level, that it is wounding you. The dog needs to be leashed, kept away from others. Improperly secured, it sees you walking down the street, primitively registering your vulnerability. And then it attacks, remorselessly.
While it’s true that we can ascribe to sociopaths (and not dogs) a capacity to evaluate their prey and plot their means of attack, we run the risk, I think, of giving the sociopath too much credit.
After all, if the sociopath’s deficits destine him to interpersonal exploitation, does his exploitation become personal simply by virtue of his capacity to plot it?
Sure, the vicious dog, unlike the sociopath, may lack calculation and plotting skills. But for all intents and purposes, unless locked-up, both will inevitably attack and/or violate. The vicious dog, if it doesn’t attack you, will attack someone else. And if you are lucky enough to escape the sociopath’s transgressions, someone else won’t be.
From this perspective, the sociopath’s deficits will take forms of interpersonal exploitation just as surely as the child with ADHD can be expected to obnoxiously disrupt others, heedless of their boundaries.
From this angle, it’s possible to construe the sociopath’s aggression as tantamount to a hurricane’s damaging your house. The wreckage may be great, and traumatic; but it is the wreckage, ultimately, of an irrepressibly violent, impersonal force.
Arguably, this defines the sociopath: an irrepressibly [interpersonally] violent, impersonal force.
We hope, through our awareness, prudence, and luck, never to suffer its destructiveness. But if less lucky, we can remind ourselves that the sociopath, in the final analysis, is about as pointless, worthless, and arbitrary as a natural disaster.
(My use of “he” in this article was for consistency’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
pb: Good post. I’m copying this for my library of materials.
Peace.
Heh! He called me on Christmas eve. He was alone. We were both snowed in at our respective homes.
I had called H (Ls’ sister) the day before, whom my ex had been having an affair with throughout his marriage and our relationship. I figured that she must be more inclined to listen rather than accuse me now that he’s boffing her sister – among others, and I wanted to leave my number for L if the poop hits the fan. I know there’s no point in saying anything to L. At this point, he had no idea H and I had talked.
B: …So I’m just sitting enjoying a quiet evening, nobody in the house, just me – wild!
P: Busy boy
B: Busy!
B: …Yeah well, Sorry L answered the phone the other day
P: Oh I bet you are!!
B: Well I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. I had to ask her, “When did you become so important in my life that you’re answering my cell phone”
P: Yeah well, I figured you were just sending a message to both of us at the same time.
B: Uh, no. I was in the bathroom. When I came out it was just, like What do you mean, like why are you answering my cell phone? Why are you answering my cell phone?” I go “When did you become entitled to answer my cell phone?” Well, she said “I’m really sorry but I…”
Well, I go “Yeah, you heard a message from a good friend [my message on his land line minutes before], and you just gotta jump on my cell phone? Why is that?”
P: She heard a message at your place? (not realizing it was my message he was referring to)
B: What’s that?
P: She heard a message at your place?
B: Oh yeah! She was sitting here. I was in the bathroom. She came over to get uh, she doesn’t have a computer, so she was checking her email and uh…No, she’s sitting here and I go to the bathroom, you left a message, and when I was in the bathroom. I come out, she hands me the phone. “What are you doing answering my phone?”
P: Oh, no, Oh I see…okay
B: I don’t know when she would become so important that she would answer my cell phone. Whatever!
P: I think a Christmas vacation together probably makes a girl feel pretty important
(I knew he was going with his daughter – supposedly just the two of them. I didn’t let on that I know L has asked her husband to keep their son for 4-5 days after Christmas)
B: What’s that?
P: I said, I think a Christmas vacation together probably makes a girl feel pretty important. You said you weren’t going to Vegas together, I know you.
B: Uh No [something about his daughter]
P: and L
B: uh no, uh no, and no
P: I’ve learned something about you, everything you say, if you turn it and reverse it, it’s the truth.
B: If you believe that…No. L’il Miss and I are flying out on the 30th, and [his sister] and [her husband] are going to pick us up in Phoenix…and uh, yeah….No L. No, L’s got a kid.
P: Yeah I know. She has an husband too. Is he still in the basement?
B: Oh yeah, but that’s a weird horrible thing.
P: That must be an uncomfortable situation.
B: Oh yeah, especially when he’s so CONTROLLING AND ABUSIVE.
P: Oh yeah! Out of the frying pan, into the fire! Holy Crap!
B: (chuckling – the man is actually laughing to himself)
P: Poor girl doesn’t know what’s coming does she?
B: She doesn’t know what to do: shit, blink, or wind her watch.
P: Jesus Christ B…Out of the frying pan into the fire.
B: Why do you keep putting words in my mouth?
P: I’m not. It’s just funny.
B: Anyway, Whatever!…
Later during the same call:
P: …How on earth can you say you’re an abusive monster and then not say you wanna do anything about it?
B: What do you mean?
P: Well, you said you were an “abusive piece of s**t” and you called yourself a “monster”.
B: Yup
P: And then when I asked you that “You don’t aspire to be anything different?” You said, “No, not at all”.
B: Nope
P: How can you…why?
B: That’s who I am and that’s it. I don’t wanna be nothing more than I am and that’s it.
P: Wow
B: It’s pretty straightforward isn’t it?
P: I guess so. I, I’m still surprised. Sorry.
B: Yeah well
P: I couldn’t say that about myself and not want to do something. Sorry, I’m just trying to understand your head
B: You’ll NEVER understand it – never
P: Oh. I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on it
B: Nope
P: You’re evil
B: That’s me
P: I’ve got a pretty good handle on it
B: Glad you get it
He called again about an hour later and H had called him. He was furious that we had spoken.
Two hours, and a few beers, later, he called again. He was pathetic and twice resorted to dangling a chance to spend Christmas day/dinner with him but took back the invite both times because of my behavour.
I responded with a scorching email (perhaps I found a bit of my anger – just a little bit).
Hello B,
That was a really funny call on Christmas eve – thanks! I love it when you talk in circles, babble, make no sense, and resort to grade school remarks when you can’t think of something adult to say.
Too many wobbly-pops, eh?
You’ve obviously forgotten another lie, you told me we were in a monogamous relationship from last December to May 27th this year – SEVEN MONTHS AGO…the day I found out about the affairs – the hotel and cell bills (not the 1 1/2 years, and 2 years that you said). So,you and I were in a relationship for nearly two years until seven months ago, except for Oct-Dec/07.
Now, the fact that you were lying, and seeing other women during this time does not negate the fact that I was led to believe (lied to) that we were a couple (and you say you “care”?!).
You’re mad at me for calling H? That’s funny!
Let’s see – how do I know who H is? YOU, and only you.
Oh yeah – she’s the woman you f**ked around on your wife with (and you say you “care”?!).
Oh yeah, and she’s the woman you f**ked around on me with (and you say you “care”?!).
Oh yeah, she’s the woman you confided in instead of me – your supposed partner (and you say you “care”?!).
She’s the woman you told lies to about me (and you say you “care”?!).
She’s the woman who decided to yell at me about your lies after you assaulted me.
[as I read that now, I can hear a gospel choir belting it out – LOL]
If that’s what you call “caring”, I’ll f**king pass on that crap.
You don’t like me talking to her? Too bad! You brought her into my world.
Perhaps you should’ve kept your mouth shut – but you can’t.
And, why on earth would I have to explain myself to you? (he was demanding that I explain myself).
You never did care, you’re not capable of caring or feeling. You lied from start to finish with me – and all the others. Don’t pretend to be “hurt” or that I’ve taught you “not to care” – you never did. We’re all, including [his daughter], just possessions – things you buy and control (that’s why you have to sell your house now. You’re out of control financially, little man). We’re supposed to put up with you, and we’re completely disposable if we don’t do what you want. It’s as you said, “All about [you]”
You’re just pissed that your lies are catching up with you – that’s all.
And, what I will teach you? Soon enough, my boy. Soon enough. I can wait. You’re on the slippery slope already…going down?
H, K, S, L, Me, the Surrey Ho, and the (2) other ones…we’re all just meat to you.
You may “have the pick of the playing field” right now, but it’s a barren field of dead, useless, soil – nothing will ever grow in your blackness. You suck the life out of everything that comes into contact with you.
You’re poison to anything good in life. All your women will always be “troubled” – if they aren’t when you get them, they will be when you’re done. It’s the only way for you to feel any power – by lies, control, and manipulation.
You’re a coward.
There are only two things you got right with me: Yes, you were right, I have NEVER met anyone like you…and no, you really don’t know what to say to an intelligent woman.
You’re a complete fraud…go look up psychopath, sociopath, and narcissist. Everything you say about everyone else is nothing more than a reflection of what’s inside you…abusive, cheater, psycho, not normal – it’s all inside you.
So, I hope you had fun being “alone” Christmas eve, you enjoy your twisted, drunken “reality”, and it must really “suck” to know that all your girlfriends were busy with their families and couldn’t come running to you…And you’re an idiot if you thought I was going to settle for Christmas day with you just because poor B had no one else to play with. Ooh! That hurt! Waaah!
If I’m alone, it’s because I choose to be. I like it. I’m not lonely.
You on the other hand – you have to get drunk just to hang around with yourself. NOW THERE’S A LIFE THAT REALLY SUCKS!
(he had told me that my life was “going to suck”, that I “have no idea what reality is”, and that I “must really like to be alone”)
I referred him to a couple of sites and included this quote which I believe most of us have seen:
“If some man were to say to your daughter: ‘Here’s the deal, sweetie. For several months or so, I’m going to pretend to be everything you ever wanted…”
Would you like it if [his daughter] dated guys like you? Think about it…Living with you, she’s in training to be abused later – good one! I can only hope you’re gone in time for her to recover from living with you.
I guess I really pissed him off this time. I’m now officially a threat to his persona…Not a problem.
BTW, I don’t wish the man dead either, just gone from her life. Let’s face it, she’s going to talk back soon, and it’s not going to be a pretty situation. He will become incredibly manipulative, especially since he has always indulged whatever she was interested in or wanted. He will withhold. She could move in with her mom (but he’s turned her against her mom), move out entirely, live with someone else – whatever, and yes, he could die. I just hope the poor girl has time to recover. She’s a beautiful person. And the reaction he had when she raised her voice to him last May was not nice at all. He was really pissed about that.
I stuck to the topic and only responded to things he’d said in his phone call. That’s really good for me. And I made light of his ridiculousness, instead of defending or explaining myself, or letting him get a rise out of me.
He went on and on about how he’s “tried to help” me but he just can’t do it anymore. “I didn’t ask for it to be the one to help…but I just can’t help you!”
As if!
“I don’t want your help”
(this was before I discovered Cluster B Narcissists too!)
And, he will have his day of reckoning as far as his karma goes.
Now that I know what he is, it’s sad really. But once he sells his house, he will be a wrinkly old drunk in a rental unit, with nothing to offer anyone except a fist full of Cialis, a pack of lies, and perhaps his line of credit.
I guess I hit a nerve.
His response was a curt, “Do not ever contact me or my daughter ever again!”
Pb
He’ll call you ! But you never ever ever never ever call Him! :)~
Dear PB,
Though you “broke” NC, I hope this final contact helped you get some closure from this contact.
Physical No Contact is the first step after you realize what they are, in the healing path. Emotional no contact is the next big hurdle…getting them and their toxins out of your head and heart. Good luck to you.
Funny…I noticed he does this often. I thought it was poor English. He says, “I didn’t ask for it…” and he then adds something onto the end of it depending on the topic, and it usually doesn’t make any sense structurally…“I didn’t ask for it to be the one to help”
It’s a form response in his head – crazy!
Yes, I was hoping to get the last of my stuff from his storage, but maybe not now…Telling him that I don’t want his “help” probably made his head pop off.
I haven’t called him in nearly a month. I’ve made sure that he’s the one making the calls – not me.
Hi PB,
Sounds like you did indeed get in touch with your anger! LOL! I think it is a GOOD and necessary part of healing. I told my P off in various emails and while I’m sure it had little good impact on him, it was necessary for my “closure” to say I finally get what was going on. And good practice for standing up to evil and saying NO without shame. I did feel SOME regret later, but as the Betrayal Bond says, the important thing is that you set some boundaries and if you set them too adamantly or whatever, it matters not, all that matters is that you set them. I also trying to make sure he would never, ever contact me again or try to hurt me in anyway. He’s been at me for 40 plus years!
I know not everyone likes Sam V. , the narcissist who writes about n’s. But I really like his post at http://www.drirene.com/8_nar.htm which says, in part” It is bad NOT to rage back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is equally as bad to stay like this forever. Permanent grieving is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means. By endlessly recreating our harrowing experiences, we unwillingly and defiantly collaborate with our abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our abuser, minimizing him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-live.”
So good for the anger stage….it is a GREAT release!!! I stayed in it a long time….but just about over it.
justabouthealed, I was thinking the same thing. You know, I’ve roasted him in the past too, but this is the first time I’ve given it a name and I don’t think he likes it.
Technically, I haven’t started NC yet. I still want my stuff. I just make sure he makes the effort, and if I call him it’s only in response to his calls.
I’m so relieved that I initiated our last round, since September. I needed to return long enough to really pay attention, take lots of notes, record all calls and a few conversations, and just plain old figure it out. I had already dealt with most of the horrible feelings but had hesitantly chalked it up to alcohol.
Still it wasn’t making sense. He still wanted me to be a secret – which I had agreed to prior to the court date, but had also said I would not do afterward, and people were saying weird things which confirmed that his story clearly wasn’t matching the reality of what was going on. So, I went along with it. Seeing as I told him it was “just sex” he willingly jumped at that one.
He stopped by my place on his birthday a few weeks ago. I made sure to not mention it. I was actually creeped out by him that day. It was the dawning of the realization and I looked at him in a completely new light. I remember turning my face when he tried to kiss me. I couldn’t do it.
On Dec 15th he said he was “abusive” and a “monster”. He was having a hard time keeping on top of things with various women. I busted him and he had let his guard down with me to some degree. I needed to hear it from his mouth, and that was enough for me.
Now that it makes sense, I can deal with it appropriately and it isn’t that hard. I know there’s nothing I could have done that would ever be good enough.
Knowing what happened and what I have been dealing with has rendered most of the issues of emotional NC as non-issues. I know it was all a hoax…It’s sad now, but it wasn’t real, and I know better now.
I don’t apologize for being angry. I have been far more blunt with him in the past. But I didn’t understand where it was all coming from and he knew that. Now, I know.
Now I am coming from a place of understanding and he doesn’t like it. I don’t imagine I’ll be hearing from him.
I hope your journey is easier than mine, pb. There was a time 3 months ago when I learned so much revolting truth about him that any little decent part of his cover with me was blown. There was nothing precious to hang onto. Even that time during the first four romantic months, when we were deliriously in love – he was cheating on me. I didn’t think that was possible as he seemed to loved me with every cell in his body. Seemed to. The fact that he was cheating on me then, blows my mind and blows the whole relationship apart. I realized he was cheating at the end….but even the beginning became ruined for me. How could he possibly be cheating on me when he was with me every minute I was not at work. Well, the answer is, every minute I was at work. WHO DOES THAT? Sociopaths.
Even knowing that he is a monster has not totally freed me. Occasionally I still long for him (though that is 90% cured), but I still obsess about him, and the relationship a lot. It’s crazy. I thought that it would all end when the entire story was blown out of the water. After six months of break up, (though some contact), the story exploded, so much was revealed….but instead of ending everything, it just took it to the next stage of the journey. I remember in the beginning of my researching these breakups, which was in march, reading that the recovery from these types of relationships was long. I thought “How long could it be? – He’s a dangerous man, and I’ve escaped.” OY! If only that simple story was true! There are so many layers to this!
I keep asking the elders – There is a rainbow on the other side, right? Or a field of flowers? Basket of kittens? Pond full of adorable little duckies?
You know, he and I sat one night discussing a co-workers affair. The co-worker eventually fessed up to his wife and she threw him out.
I told my N that if it were me, I wouldn’t want to know in some ways, “It steals all your good memories too. I’d almost wish he’d just said it was over and left me with my memories of the good times. Lying calls into question all the good times too, and it leaves you with nothing.”
Well, N got very agitated and angry, as if I would lie about it if I were to screw around…It was nuts. Of course, I didn’t realize what was happening at the time. He was projecting it onto me. N’s mind raced ahead and assumed that if I were to screw around on him, I would also lie about it to him.
I don’t do dishonest sex, so the chances of that are slim to none.
It was interesting to see how his mind works. I just wish I had understood it sooner.
Mine also had other irons in the fire right from the get go…all while reeling me in.
I still obsess, and I don’t mind it one bit, but people around me are tired of it. But hey! It’s taken me 15 months to put the pieces together, and I’m soooo much better in the last month.
I do want to out him though, and I don’t mind saying so either. I’m not out to ruin him, but what he did was wrong – plain and simple. What he does is wrong. I have a problem with “wrong”.
I think one of my big issues with all this now is that the media only presents murdering psycho S/P/N’s (and even then, they don’t usually refer to them as anything other than serial killers or murderers), and neglects to shine a light on the far more prevalent and common household nutbars. As a result, folks don’t know or recognize these monsters in daily life; they think that one has to kill to be a S/P/N. This is a large part in how other folks don’t believe us when we try to explain what we’re dealing with.
The lack of awareness is shocking.
I just sent this a link to this site, and a suggestion for an episode topic to Oprah…cross your fingers!