Sociopathy, many experts agree, is a deficits disorder.
The sociopath, in this view, is missing something—things like empathy, remorse, and basic respect for the boundaries of others.
When you think of a deficit—something missing—you don’t necessarily think dire consequences.
You may think, instead, things like less”¦incomplete”¦limited.
For instance, the idea of intellectual deficit might spark the association, mental retardation.
Instead of invoking fear, this tends to elicit our understanding, even empathy. The mentally retarded individual is missing something that most of us have—a normal intellectual capacity. You think, this is unfortunate, for that person.
When you think of kids with attentional deficits, you’re likely to bring some extra patience toward the challenges their condition presents. Your accomodation is based on recognizing their behaviors as originating in a deficit.
When dealing with the Asperger’s Syndrome population, you understand their social inaptitude as arising from a neurologic difference. And so in responding to the Asperger individual’s peculiarities, you allow that he or she, on a social level, is operating with less than a full deck.
In general, when speaking of disorders of deficits, we tend, or at least try, not to take the consequences arising from the disorder personally. We recognize the deficit as something the person doesn’t ask for and, at best, struggles to control.
This isn’t to deny, or minimize, the impact of the individual’s difficult behaviors. But in locating that impact in a deficit, we can potentially experience it as less personally injurious.
Sociopathy, however, presents an interesting challenge in this regard. Research increasingly implicates brain differences in sociopaths. Sociopaths, we are learning, fail to experience and process certain emotions like nonsociopaths. Their capacity to learn from aversive consequences appears to be compromised. And they show evidence of certain enduring forms of attentional pathology, involving defective inhibitory and impulse control.
The sociopath, in a word, appears to be a psychologically handicapped individual.
Yet it’s hard to empathize with the sociopath, who himself lacks empathy. And how not to personalize his actions—actions that can cause so much personal pain? And how not to personalize that pain, even if it results from the sociopath’s deficits?
It brings to mind the concept of processing a vicious dog attack. The dog is vicious. It attacks you. It knows it is attacking you. We can even imagine that it knows, on a primitive level, that it is wounding you. The dog needs to be leashed, kept away from others. Improperly secured, it sees you walking down the street, primitively registering your vulnerability. And then it attacks, remorselessly.
While it’s true that we can ascribe to sociopaths (and not dogs) a capacity to evaluate their prey and plot their means of attack, we run the risk, I think, of giving the sociopath too much credit.
After all, if the sociopath’s deficits destine him to interpersonal exploitation, does his exploitation become personal simply by virtue of his capacity to plot it?
Sure, the vicious dog, unlike the sociopath, may lack calculation and plotting skills. But for all intents and purposes, unless locked-up, both will inevitably attack and/or violate. The vicious dog, if it doesn’t attack you, will attack someone else. And if you are lucky enough to escape the sociopath’s transgressions, someone else won’t be.
From this perspective, the sociopath’s deficits will take forms of interpersonal exploitation just as surely as the child with ADHD can be expected to obnoxiously disrupt others, heedless of their boundaries.
From this angle, it’s possible to construe the sociopath’s aggression as tantamount to a hurricane’s damaging your house. The wreckage may be great, and traumatic; but it is the wreckage, ultimately, of an irrepressibly violent, impersonal force.
Arguably, this defines the sociopath: an irrepressibly [interpersonally] violent, impersonal force.
We hope, through our awareness, prudence, and luck, never to suffer its destructiveness. But if less lucky, we can remind ourselves that the sociopath, in the final analysis, is about as pointless, worthless, and arbitrary as a natural disaster.
(My use of “he” in this article was for consistency’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
“Arguably, this defines the sociopath: an irrepressibly [interpersonally] violent, impersonal force.”
Thank you Steve Becker for this insight and yes I agree that when we are hurt and used the S/P in our life did so to get what they needed and want. The avenues they may had travel might seen to us very personal and up close. But then when they walk away from us they never really take into account that damage they have caused. In short it wasn’t anything personal it was just something they had to do to get what ever results they were looking for. This very detachment and unfeeling emotion is at times foreign and somewhat benign to them. I read were they are sometimes unable to understand why we get upset and feel anger for being used and at times manipulated. In short they don’t understand why we take it so personal. This ability to compartmentalize and rationalizes all their actions without human emotional rebuttal and recourse leaves them thinking to themselves. “Why do they take it so personal?”. Really it was something that had to be done and that is only if they accept that must accountability for their actions. In short their very actions have little or nothing to do with you it’s all about them in the end. The dog bites for whatever reason it feels is necessary to bite and never thinks about the person or thing it bites…
TV
is entertainment not reality! This was funny! I lived with another crazy person for a year. She was a Tv junky. Not quite as bad as Rainman but close!:)~ She loved CSI and court Tv and the Talk bull make mup shows! I mentioned CSI , She says I don’t like CSI cause The DNA results don’t come back that quick! I said it’s a hour show! She is lost about whats real and what is make believe! LOVE JJ
pb – I think I had that identical conversation – perhaps even verbatim, with my ex-S (about an affair of an acquaintance) and he reacted the same way. In hindsight, it was SO clearly projection. At the time (duhhhhhhhh) I thought it was because he was such a sensitive soul and he loved me so much, that it was a really upsetting thought for him.
There were so many things I didn’t question, didn’t even occur to me, because they were so outrageous. No one would possibly do that – it wouldn’t even occur to me because even a “jerk” couldn’t DO THAT. Scary. Infuriating, and scary.
Ad yes, James, exactly. My ex S would look at me like he was puzzled that things bothered me and I couldn’t just let them go. He really seemed bewildered. And, of course, inconvenienced.
I remember we once rented some movies, & I had picked out “The Story of Us”. Looking back now, his reaction to the movie should have been a huge red flag. I was so focused on the “We can fix anything because we LOVE each other” theme of the movie, that it wasn’t until later that he was really squirming during the movie. He could usually watch Tv for hours on end. He actually got pissed at me because I agreed with a lot of the chicks’ point of view in the movie…”an emotional affair, talking is the same as cheating..”
I think I must have been in one of my”it’s all my fault” periods. “If I could only do this better, say this better, give more…” I think I was actually dumb enough to believe that if he saw that there could be “..and they all lived happily ever after..” in the movies, it could be applied to our life, too. WTF!? What the hell was I thinkin’!!?? Where was I???
What comes to my mind, is the way we all will slip into a daydream, or zone out for a few minutes. That’s normal a good, to let your mind wander for a little bit, clears the cob webs, so to speak. But holy sh*t ! Was I actually zoned out out for 10 years!? Kind of makes me feel like Sally Field from the movie “Sybal”. “Who am I talking to today?” That scares the crap outta me.
Heh! Too freaking funny! I’m so glad I can finally laugh about him and his trailer trash harem.
Well! I called Ns’ place to leave a message about my stuff in his storage…I figured he’s still away so I could phone safely and avoid any complications.
NOT!
L answered his phone (Okay, I’m sorry. She isn’t in Vegas with him…I’m guessing her husband refused to keep their son, or something).
I said I’d call back later and hung up.
She called me and started bitching at me about how he’s told her all about me and I’m a f**king bitch; me and her “f**king sister”…blahblahblah.
“You sound like a man by the way” She said. (Are they all 6 years old mentally?!)
“Yeah, so?”, as if that has anything to do with anything!
What a freak!
She was yelling at me to “never phone this number again” – like it’s her house or phone. I wasn’t expecting anyone to answer the phone so the call wasn’t recorded until the “You sound like a man” remark, and then it was done.
So, I called back. She wouldn’t answer his phone, nor would she answer her cell. I ended up leaving a message at her place telling her that I was in his bed two weeks ago, and except for a few months (actually, two three month stints), have done so for the last 2 1/2 years. I told her that I was there while he’s lied to her on the phone for the last four months – mostly the last two months…and I told her that when she’s on the phone with him and his door bell rings; it’s not the “Neighbour”, the “delivery guy”, or his “brother” – it’s me.
Ditto for when they were on the phone one night and he said, “I’m just watching TV, gonna get something to eat, and go to bed – What else would I be doing?”
“I was what he was doing, and I’ve been there a million times when he’s lied to you. So, don’t tell me who I can and can’t call. He’s the one who keeps coming back. He wanted me to spend Christmas day with him because all 6 of his girlfriends were busy – I said no.” (I actually said “I don’t want your help” when he was dangling a chance to spend Christmas day with him, taking it back as punishment for talking to H, and then saying he couldn’t help me anymore).
I also told her what he said about her not knowing whether to “Shit, Blink, or wind her watch…” “He’s got you going in circles.”
I didn’t tell her that for over a month now I have made sure that IF I call him at all, it’s only to return his calls.
And then, he calls me from Vegas wanting to know why I called his place. I told him that I thought I was calling an empty house and was just going to leave a message…that I said I’d call back and hung up the phone, and that she called me back to yell at me.
“Well, that’s not what I heard, but okay. I’m sorry for bugging you. I’ll let you know when I have the Christmas stuff out. Don’t call my house.” He knows I won’t lie about stupid things like who called who. Besides, it’s on my freaking call display!
Of course! It seems neither of those sisters can get anything straight.
I told H in June that I counted the Cialis, and she told him I said I’d found a condom! (his butt would really have been toast had I found a condom. He’s shooting blanks and I’m menopausal!).
And then on Christmas eve, apparently H told him we’d been talking on a number of occasions…I’ve only talked to her on three occasions – ever: the night of the assault when she called and was yelling at me, last June when I realized they were still fooling around, and finally on Dec 22 or 23 (I’d have to look). Then again, this is all coming from a man who doesn’t hear what is said to him. You could say “White”, and he’ll insist you said “Black”. Perhaps it’s him with the information problem.
I know I won’t be hearing from him again – not in THAT way. I’m officially a threat to his persona.
He sounded real and it was eerie. His voice was flat, lifeless, and cold. He knows that I know now. I am the enemy.
Personally, I can’t wait to tell him that I have it ALL on tape…all of it, about six months of conversations. I just want him to wonder, and struggle to remember what he said or what he lied about.
I want him to shut the f**k up about me to other people. That’s good enough for me.
He’s all pissed that I talked to H, and doesn’t yet know about the message I left on L’s phone…I did not go looking for these women – they called me. They started communications with me. H called me the night of the assault accusing me of allsorts. I called her in June to let her know he and I had still been together – boy was she pissed at him!, and that I knew about them (I told him I wasn’t going to be his secret after court – especially to the women he screwed around with while we were living together). L called me back last night. I had politely said I would call back and left it at that.
I was pissed that she would call me and start yelling at me…so, too bad if they don’t like what I had to say on her answering machine.
As for my being in his bed on Dec 14th. I had noticed a difference in his sexual techniques for the previous six weeks. I want to say lovemaking – but we know better don’t we, and he seemed disinterested. He was investing himself fully in capturing L.
I simply wanted to make the last time we were together a good experience. I am capable of having sex, and making love, but I generally don’t have sex with people I care about, and I don’t make love with bed-buddies.
Now, I shall sit back and wait for either or both of them to hear my message at her place. Those should be amusing phone calls.
And then it’s all done.
I’m the woman he shouldn’t have tried to destroy. I’m the only woman who stuck around long enough to put the pieces together. I’m his worst nightmare now, and I like that status just fine.
Well! That’s enough of the getting in touch with my anger! Thanks!
I’ve decided to take a very simple approach to this. IF I have to deal with his stories at work; I’ll fight lies with truth.
I won’t go looking for people to out him to, but when faced with the remarks, or interactions with folks who have clearly heard something, I will simply tell them that he and I were together for most of the time he has been spreading his story.
When N and I were first dating, one of his “friends” at work, also someone I am now well acquainted with, asked how things were going and I laughingly said, “Oh the jury’s still out on it.” (I was having concerns about the alcohol).
He looked at me and said, “Women don’t leave after 22 years for nothing.”
You know, I can close my eyes and see us standing there; clear as anything. I can almost remember our clothes. And that’s just one of four comments made by “friends” of Ns when we were dating. It was the strongest of the four hints, warnings, or “Red Flags” if you will…and it haunts me.
I called Work Buddy yesterday afternoon during work hours, intending to leave a message thanking him, but he answered the phone.
We talked – mostly me thanking him for trying to give me a heads up. I didn’t get into details for the most part, until I mentioned that N and I had been seeing each other for the last year, minus last summer.
Well. Then, WB had questions. “Really?! That’s NOT the impression I got at all!” he said. I didn’t ask what he’d been told. I didn’t want to put him on the spot like that, but he was VERY surprised.
His reaction made me a bit defensive; not with him, but about Ns tales – whatever they are. I’m hearing all sorts. I really hate that he’s been trashing me at work, and obviously he’s lied to WB too.
Apparently they were working together a couple of months ago. I mentioned the shiner and the sisters N was sporting at the time. WB knew all about it and mentioned other women. N has apparently been having a hard time keeping it together at work – being late, which I have NEVER known him to do…He may drink two or three beer on the drive home from work, but I don’t think he drinks at work. He ALWAYS keeps on top of the job thing, and he’s always early (gotta keep that image shiny!).
“I don’t know how he does it!” WB said.
I probably said more than I should’ve to him, but I met N and WB on the same work site eleven years ago and we’ve been pretty friendly since.
Oh, and not a peep about my message left at Ls place. That woman was spitting venom at me, so I figure N has told her not to respond. She was far too angry at me to have let it go; same goes for him, for that matter. He’s like that. He wouldn’t normally pass on a chance to make a scene (not that I would answer his call now).
I think if I so much as fart in Ns direction, he’ll probably go get a restraining order. I didn’t call his g/f. She called me. In fact, except for when I thought I was calling an empty house last week; the only times I have called him in over a month have been in response to his calls. Whatever. I don’t trust him.
I burst into tears twice yesterday for no reason – once in the Welfare office, and again while driving, but I’m getting my power back.
I’m attending a career workshop today and am going to have myself retrained in something complementary to my current profession, or I may get sponsorship to start my own business…don’t know which way to go.
Breathing a sigh of relief. I suppose I could work on the same site with him if it happened that way, but I don’t want to hear from him unless he’s leaving a message saying I can go get my stuff. I’ll tell him to leave it at the neighbours…that’s why I was calling his “empty” house but I never got that far.
Off I go!
Dear PB,
I’m not sure what your “stuff” is, but I know as long as you keep having CONTACT with him or his OW you will not be able to “get beyond” all this. Unless the “stuff” in something you desperately need, I would write it off and go NC NOW.
It is obvious to me at least (from what I can get out of your posts) that he is not giving the stuff back to KEEP THE DRAMA GOING. They just LOVE to have two women fighting over them.
If you can survive without this “stuff” just let it go. You will “pay” more in BLOOD AND GRIEF than it can possibly be worth in the end. At least think about it.
If it is important that you get the stuff back and you cannot survive without it, I suggest strongly to DO IT BY REGISTERED LETTER. HAVE A THIRD PARTY PICK IT UP. Do not commincate by voice with him and make sure you have copies of all correspondence, that way you can get less of a “drama” aspect. Good luck.
Not to worry; he’s not doing it on purpose.
It’s a collection of ornaments and presents; things my 25 yr old son made for me when he was little. I saved them every year. My Christmas stuff got packed in with Ns two years ago. It’s all in a rented storage space – not at his home.
His daughter wasn’t with him this Christmas, so he hasn’t gotten it out yet, but he said he was thinking of having Christmas with her in Jan.
They have been in Las Vegas since she came back from her moms on the 30th. It’s not intentional, he just hasn’t gotten to it.
Yes, if OW hadn’t answered his phone I was just going to leave a message telling him where to leave it – off of his property.
It’s like I said, “..I don’t want to hear from him unless he’s leaving a message saying I can go get my stuff.” I don’t think there will be any problem with NC. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now 🙂
I may still have to deal with working with him sometimes though.
I reread Steve Becker’s original post and it makes a lot of sense to me. This is generally how I regard sociopaths–as having a deficit. The big debate here is whether a sociopath knows right from wrong. Between the “yes” and “no” responses, I’d like to offer a way of looking at it that’s a little outside the box:
You and I know right from wrong. Ever think about how? Did someone just tell you it’s wrong to harm someone? Or did you experience pain when you did it? I once accidentally knocked over a nest of baby birds. It was too high for me to see inside of it. I didn’t mean to knock it down–I just wanted to look, but when I did, I felt horrible seeing those baby birds suffer. That is what empathy is. If a sociopath is lacking empathy, how would he know it was wrong to do something like that? He wouldn’t know it in the same way we do.
The only way they know what is wrong is because they observe what other people regard as right and wrong. To them, the rules are ridiculous because of the sociopath’s lack of emotional understanding. You and I not only learn the rules of society, but we FEEL and SENSE certain things are wrong. We know it’s wrong to steal because we can imagine how someone would feel violated by it. The rules of society are made by a feeling society. The fact that they even manage to try and live by our rules is astounding. They are indeed handicapped when it comes to learning right from wrong, because they do not personally experience the benefits of doing the right things in life or the pain of doing the wrong things.
What is the truth about the sociopathic thinking? I believe the truth is that these feelingless creatures behave as they do because of their deficit. If you and I were born with that deficit, we would behave the same way. Therefore, what they do really isn’t personal at all, though it feels intensely personal to be duped and deceived.
Holding the sociopath to the same expectations of feeling people would be like expecting someone with a developmental disability to win a Nobel Peace Prize. It’s just not gonna happen. This is the reason trying to reason with a sociopath is like beating your head against a wall. He (or she) is looking at your show of emotion from a very flat, one-dimensional way–the way of “what’s in it for me?” It’s really all that is left when you take away the ability to love and feel empathy for others. Self-preoccupation. Regardless of how they got to be that way, without empathy they are handicapped. The consequences are very destructive for normal people.
This doesn’t mean we should feel sorry for them or allow them to mingle with us and do their thing. They are extremely dangerous individuals because of the lack of real understanding of right and wrong.
I think this is such an effort concept for us to get – certainly me. These guys WILL NOT CHANGE. I don’t think they can possibly ever improve – no matter how much therapy, bible study, meditation…they are not going to get better. They have a deficit that cannot be replaced. You are right SG, it’s like holding out the hope that someone who is legally determined as mentally retarded will win a Nobel Prize for innovative research in solid state physics. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. IMPOSSIBLE. UNDER ANY CONDITIONS. No amount of encouragement, tutoring, vitamin supplements, brainpower drinks….physics classes around the clock – is going to make a difference.
Not taking it personally – that’s a much harder thing for me to get. I felt these pangs of pain today, in the middle of the day when I thought about a time when my ex S ditched me when I was in a lot of pain, to spend time with his mistress. He was choosing someone over me. How can I not take that personally. I know, they are a hurricane – impersonal wreckage. But I’m a person, and the wounds were inflicted on ME in a very personal way. They couldn’t have been more personal to me. I do understand, conceptually, that it was not personal…..but DAMN! IT WAS SO PERSONAL!
The “not taking it per