Sociopathy, many experts agree, is a deficits disorder.
The sociopath, in this view, is missing something—things like empathy, remorse, and basic respect for the boundaries of others.
When you think of a deficit—something missing—you don’t necessarily think dire consequences.
You may think, instead, things like less”¦incomplete”¦limited.
For instance, the idea of intellectual deficit might spark the association, mental retardation.
Instead of invoking fear, this tends to elicit our understanding, even empathy. The mentally retarded individual is missing something that most of us have—a normal intellectual capacity. You think, this is unfortunate, for that person.
When you think of kids with attentional deficits, you’re likely to bring some extra patience toward the challenges their condition presents. Your accomodation is based on recognizing their behaviors as originating in a deficit.
When dealing with the Asperger’s Syndrome population, you understand their social inaptitude as arising from a neurologic difference. And so in responding to the Asperger individual’s peculiarities, you allow that he or she, on a social level, is operating with less than a full deck.
In general, when speaking of disorders of deficits, we tend, or at least try, not to take the consequences arising from the disorder personally. We recognize the deficit as something the person doesn’t ask for and, at best, struggles to control.
This isn’t to deny, or minimize, the impact of the individual’s difficult behaviors. But in locating that impact in a deficit, we can potentially experience it as less personally injurious.
Sociopathy, however, presents an interesting challenge in this regard. Research increasingly implicates brain differences in sociopaths. Sociopaths, we are learning, fail to experience and process certain emotions like nonsociopaths. Their capacity to learn from aversive consequences appears to be compromised. And they show evidence of certain enduring forms of attentional pathology, involving defective inhibitory and impulse control.
The sociopath, in a word, appears to be a psychologically handicapped individual.
Yet it’s hard to empathize with the sociopath, who himself lacks empathy. And how not to personalize his actions—actions that can cause so much personal pain? And how not to personalize that pain, even if it results from the sociopath’s deficits?
It brings to mind the concept of processing a vicious dog attack. The dog is vicious. It attacks you. It knows it is attacking you. We can even imagine that it knows, on a primitive level, that it is wounding you. The dog needs to be leashed, kept away from others. Improperly secured, it sees you walking down the street, primitively registering your vulnerability. And then it attacks, remorselessly.
While it’s true that we can ascribe to sociopaths (and not dogs) a capacity to evaluate their prey and plot their means of attack, we run the risk, I think, of giving the sociopath too much credit.
After all, if the sociopath’s deficits destine him to interpersonal exploitation, does his exploitation become personal simply by virtue of his capacity to plot it?
Sure, the vicious dog, unlike the sociopath, may lack calculation and plotting skills. But for all intents and purposes, unless locked-up, both will inevitably attack and/or violate. The vicious dog, if it doesn’t attack you, will attack someone else. And if you are lucky enough to escape the sociopath’s transgressions, someone else won’t be.
From this perspective, the sociopath’s deficits will take forms of interpersonal exploitation just as surely as the child with ADHD can be expected to obnoxiously disrupt others, heedless of their boundaries.
From this angle, it’s possible to construe the sociopath’s aggression as tantamount to a hurricane’s damaging your house. The wreckage may be great, and traumatic; but it is the wreckage, ultimately, of an irrepressibly violent, impersonal force.
Arguably, this defines the sociopath: an irrepressibly [interpersonally] violent, impersonal force.
We hope, through our awareness, prudence, and luck, never to suffer its destructiveness. But if less lucky, we can remind ourselves that the sociopath, in the final analysis, is about as pointless, worthless, and arbitrary as a natural disaster.
(My use of “he” in this article was for consistency’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
HH,
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. Of course it feels personal because you have been so violated. I know when I was feeling that way a lot over the summer, it tripped every bit of self-doubt and self-hatred I had. It really sucks. I hope those little pockets of pain will become less and less for you. They have for me (knocking on wood). That is the only reason I am looking at him from a more detached place. I don’t feel so angry and hurt any more. I don’t feel he has so much power over me (but I think I could have a setback if he ever contacted me again). I feel the pain I am going through is more related to other people in my past than him. To me, he isn’t even worth forgiving. Forgiveness, in my book, is a term that only applies to human beings who have hurt me. He hurt me, but in my eyes he is not even really human. This is the best I know how to really move on from him. I feel like I collided with an alien space ship carrying a wierd pod creature that looks and acts like a human. He fooled my heart for a short time, but now I see him for what he is. I don’t feel mad, I just don’t feel much of anything toward him. Toward my more human exes, I feel some forgiveness and compassion. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to feel compassion toward a sociopath. I think maybe the best I can do is to at least just be able to identify them and stay away. You are such a kind and insightful person, HH. It doesn’t seem right that another “person” (I use the word loosely) can cause so much pain.
It seems that when we feel physical pain, all memories of pain both physical and emotional, come in tidal waves.
did anyone notice that they have above average endurance for physical pain? or is it an isolated event?
Well KATYA, I seen them come in all shapes and sizes. 😉
Wow Steve! What a post … this phrase especially stuck out to me …
” We hope, through our awareness, prudence, and luck, never to suffer its destructiveness. But if less lucky, we can remind ourselves that the sociopath, in the final analysis, is about as pointless, worthless, and arbitrary as a natural disaster.”
Yes yes yes … but no easier to come to terms with and a natural disaster doesn’t generally strike you every day in hundreds of ways in home environments that are meant to be safe havens from the world. But the response is similar – we ask “Why?” “Why me?” – same when we lose someone to something inexplicable and random …
The sociopath and narcissist are deficient in empathy. They are not however deficient in cognitive abilities. They KNOW what they are doing. They know what outcome they are after. They KNOW from experience that they will injure for their own gain. They KNOW all of this and act with disregard ANYWAY. They make a conscious decision.
There is a major distinction between a rabid dog or hurricane and a sentient being (I won’t call them human because that denotes emotions they are devoid of) that they most surely are. The rabid dog and hurricane are not self conscious beings.
It’s this distinction that makes them ACCOUNTABLE. If you take away their conscious beingness, you take away accountablity.
It may be a soothing way to look at it, to say that they are as pointless, worthless and arbitrary as a natural disaster, to take away the sting and pain of their assault. But, I don’t think it’s true and therefore probably not helpful in the long run.
I do think there is a point to everything, even evil. I also don’t think there is any arbitrariness to them. We may not completely understand how they come to be yet or why they behave the way they do, but there are patterns.
My problem is The P in my life is my 16 year old son and the police have been lead down the poor little boy path, I have been told he is my responsibility and I cannot leave him, that is abandonment. There is not leaving a pychopathic child. You are told to accept it even though it is a very scary feeling that one day that child is going to possibly kill you. I have constant fight or flight responses and on eggshells, he hears the police tell me that I can’t do anything about it, and he smiles, and he does it more often,daring me to make another fool of myself by calling the police. I am blamed by my daughter for being weak, it is me, not him that is at fault. He is never, ever held accountable, and I feel pummeled and exhausted. I have taken him to doctors, coucelors, the police and he can be threatening me right to the door, walk in, and he is calm and collected, has no idea why we are there, and I am frazzled and crying and they think I am the crazy one, POOR KID!!! So now I don’t do anything, I don’t call police even when he hits me or breaks my things, I don’t go to coucelors because I am the nut job not him, I cannot wait for the day that he is 18 so I can legally take care of myself and kick him to the curb, if I survive.
Takesone,
LOOK at my post to you on the other thread. If the police are not going to do anything for you please go through the court system.
Do a google search on incorrigible teenager in your state. I think most states you can STILL file at 16 but your time is running OUT!
Dear Takes one,
Get you one of those secret “nanny cams” and tape the little monster threatening you or hitting you, get enough tapes of him that you can show the police what he is up to. They are cheap and easily hideable. It doesn’t take too much to inistall one and you can do it while he is at school. If he starts to act up, go into the room where the camera is so it is all caught on tape.
If you can’t do that, get a digi tape recorder (very small) and put in your pocked and at least record the sound and words. Get the evidence you need to make someone listen.
I have a P son who is in prison for murder now and he was just like your son and Wits son, very sneaky and knew how to manipulate people. (((hugs))) and God bless you.
Dear takes one,
I havea daughter who at 18 and 19 years of age threatened me,beat me, wrecked my art studio and threw a heavy steam iron at my head. I called the police , once, when she started throwing heavy encyclopedias at my head. The police came, and my ex told them I was the crazy one, that I was “on the game”.,{ie, a prostitute,} and that I assaulted my daughter! They believed HIM! So, yes, a recorder may be the only way you can get evidence. No-one believes you, and they are so good at “spin” and “gaslighting” that you start to wonder if THEY are right, ie, that YOU are the crazy one.Good Luck, you will need it! Love, Gem.XX