We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Dr. Leedom,
From the e-mail I receive, I know that many people really struggle with the thoughts about the sociopath who was in their life. Thank you so much for this information. The part about the memories being stored in different parts of the brain is fascinating.
“I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?”
yes, it happened. yes, it felt real…and good.
i really get this. the s/p/n i was involved with for over 20 years was amazing in bed, and the affection was incredible. the romantic ‘connection’ we had was the stuff of dreams. but, he didn’t so much ‘give’ me these feelings as ‘create’ them. it ‘felt’ real, but it wasn’t. i know the quandary of trying to understand this.
after i threw him out, i was FURIOUS that everyone kept telling me ‘it wasn’t real.’ how DARE they assume to know what i felt. it was definitely real. and at first, i refused to let go of that.
but … with a capital ‘B’ …. there’s a difference between understanding this concept intellectually, and accepting it emotionally. and that just takes time.
four months is a very short time to sort out all of the conflicts and lies and gaslighting and deceit that has been heaped on those of us who were caught in the web. the more distance you put between you and the Lie through NC, the more you will be able to see and viscerally understand how it really wasn’t real. it’s not because you didn’t actually FEEL what you felt. it’s just that he didn’t actually have any of it to give. s/he was just being a great actor, into the scene, excellent work … cut.
it’s what they do. they are masters of deceit. they are all showmanship. they know that they can’t get what they want unless they are at the top of the game.
i know how hard it is to ‘get’ it, when you are still attached to the dream. again, it takes distance and time to see the whole picture with an objective eye.
be good to yourself. come to LF often. it saved my life and as angry as i was at the mere suggestion that ‘it wasn’t real’ …. once you get it, a huge sense of freedom rains down. you weren’t crazy, but s/he sure the hell was!
you, too, will get there.
I was so freaked out and “of the ground” with fright after my experience with A real psychopath I had to make tape recorded speeches to myself before I could sleep.
lies and pretend devotion are the things that sent me “into Orbit” staring at the wall, feeling miserable, not able to sleep, then when I did I was having nightmares.
I bought a cheap tape recorder and some 90 minute tape. I started talking to myself. Describing what I had been through, interspersed with visualisations encouraging relaxation, a feeling of safety and numerous beautiful prayers, meditations, calling forth all kinds of protection from angels to Karma Police!! I bathed myself in white light and tried to calm myslef down.
Without fail I fall asleep before the tape has ended, it just clicks off when its finished….I still do it. I have about 30 custom made tapes for the whole experience…It’s saved me sleepless nights. I believe inside each of us we know the words that we need to hear and intead of waiting for them from someone else…say em to yourself NOW. TONIGHT. And sink into restful oblivion.
This is a great article. I was married to two p’s ….the last one over twenty years. My dreams still attack me and I have been gone from my x for 18 months. Hardly a day goes by I don’t have memories….after all I was married to him for a long time and had a child/grandchild by him. So…for me…the only thing that works is not to fight the memories but to refute them with reality of what is now. I just allow the memories and dreams [cannot deny them anyway] and then talk myself into the reality of the now. Sort of like remembering your children when they were small kids/babies. It has its nice points….but it’s just memories now and they are these grown adults. It works for me. There is a sadness…..but it’s not overwhelming…if I do it this way. The hardest part is: what I wish could have been and understanding that family is not the most important thing to them like it is to me. I bring in the reality of them…that they are selfish people whose most important thing is themselves.
Though I had taught the “grief process” to many patients myself, I went to a grief class after my husband died, and one thing stuck in my mind that the counselor said.
“You cant go around the pain, under the pain, over the pain, you MUST GO THROUGH THE PAIN.”
Trying to AVOID the pain by NOT feeling it isn’t going to get us on the OTHER SIDE OF IT.
I envision this “pain” as being trapped inside a thin ring of fire—the ONLY way out is to JUMP THROUGH THE FLAMES, it will be painful, but standing inside the ring of fire, is just as painful in that we “cook to death” a little at a time, and in the end, we STILL MUST JUMP THROUGH THE FLAMES or roast! so the longer we delay facing and “jumping through” the fires of our pain, the worse off we are.
The anxiety of trying to figure out some OTHER WAY OUT rather than jumping through the pain is to me worse than the “fire” of the pain itself. I wasted a lot of my life standing inside that “ring of fire” trying to figure a way out other than going through it, and in the end, I realized that going through it, feeling it, wasn’t nearly as bad as the many years I spent inside that oven, roasting one day at a time.
Oxy: yep, for me, if I deal with the pain one step at a time, I can slowly put each part to rest. Does not mean I forget it…but, I’ve experienced it, dealt with it and can live with it. Sort of like when you have done your best with a situation, so far as it depends on you….you are at peace with it. These people do not give you closure you have to make/find your own by knowing that you gave your best….it was not perfect….but your best and.. beyond that ….we do not have.
To the reader that wrote in for this article…
I am sure you have already been told that your obsessing thoughts are part of the healing process. They do subside in time.
I wrote an article last year about how to deal with the longing moments that won’t seem to go away. I hope it will help you.
I did this exercise for myself and it helped me.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/08/26/a-list-for-leaving-the-sociopath-behind/
A few years ago, I was pretty obsessively reading here at LoveFraud but it was well worth the investment in time.
Give yourself time. The longing, even for the “good” times is gone for me. I am still recovering but there are stages in recovery and I am well beyond thinking about lounging in bed with the Bad Man. But.. I was stuck there for awhile. Don’t feel bad. We all have been there in one way or another.
I finally hired a therapist to help me get over some hurdles in my healing. Consider doing that if you can.. and if not…. LoveFraud is an amazing healing community. You will find support and respite here.
Take care.
Thank you very much for this wonderful article.
Wow, I am experiencing the same things. When I am not busy I am thinking about my ex. I have considered hypnotherapy but I don’t believe in it. I just know that I am tired of thinking about him. I just can’t believe how much better my life is without him but I still miss the companionship. I am scared to death to date. I am scared about what is out there. If I run into another S I just may go crazy…lol. But seriously I am well aware of the red flags.
I think that the “mulling over” period is really important in our recovery. I know that I also had conflicting memories. My ex was very smart in some ways and he provided valuable insights into my life. When he was paying attention to me and/or including me in positive ways, we had some amazing adventures that really enriched my life. And when he was in the mood to please me, the sex was beyond my wildest dreams.
That said, I also had to deal with the conflicting memories. The sure knowledge that he had deliberately manipulated my feelings to exploit me for money. The fact that he knowingly hurt me in ways that I never imagined any human being would ever treat another one. That he involved me in disgusting and unethical schemes, and overcame my qualms with emotional blackmail and by undermining my self-esteem. And that, at base, he never really cared about me, except as a source who could be used to please himself, advance his ambitions, and make himself feel like a big man.
Resolving these conflicting memories took a long time. And during that time, several people observed that I was obsessively thinking about him. I don’t disagree. But I was in process, and I wasn’t finished with it. A lot of people, including my therapist, suggested that I should make an effort to divert my thoughts into happier paths. And I think that may work for some people, but I was living with confusion and pain, and I needed to sort this out.
It’s very hard for feeling people, especially people who believe in the Golden Rule or who believe that love can cure anything, to grasp the reality of a close encounter with an unfeeling predator. It’s hard to understand that someone will work to make you feel good in order to keep you where he wants you. Or will enjoy affection with you, because it feels good to him, but without any ability or intent to really care about your wellbeing (beyond what’s necessary to give him what he wants). We’re entering foreign territory here.
When we finally get it, we get past the denial that he was really that bad or the bargaining idea that we might have done something to change the relationship. And we move gradually into understanding that we were targeted and used for someone else’s objectives with no real concern for what happens to us in the long run. It’s a gradual awareness, because it takes time for our brains to absorb the information. It’s common to start to get angry at the same time that we’re still arguing with ourselves about what happened.
All this is normal. We are simply unprepared. And the new knowledge is something we really don’t want for a number of reasons. Not least of which is that it makes the world a dangerous place. But fortunately, when we finally get it, it starts a new period of recovery when we get truly angry. And that’s when we really begin to heal.
If I could give the writer of that letter one piece of guidance, it would be to stop trying to fight the “mulling” process and start looking at it. Asking yourself what you’re looking for in these thoughts, and examining the conflicts and what they mean. This is all about a dilemma of belief. Do I believe this, or do I believe that? Looking at these memories, giving yourself the time you need to shake them out and figure out what the truth is, is a gift you give yourself. You’re learning in one of the hardest classrooms of your life. But the lesson when it arrives will change your life in good ways.
Just give it time.