We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
I call it “background noise”. Always there. Always infecting all that I do. When all else is quiet I let it come and try to figure out what was really going on. Hind site is 20/20. Hopefully I’ll find the volume switch someday soon.
I hate it when people tell me to focus on something positive or to “put it out of my mind”. Clearly they haven’t been through it. That’s kind of like asking me to put my infection out of my sinuses. Yes, I can blow my nose, but until it has run its course it will continue to make me stuffy and runny.
henry,
I lost track of how long I have been here because it seems longer than it really is. I know it has been at least over a year because I was on at this time last year…..
Henry, I haven’t been in a relationship for over a decade. I kid you NOT. I have only been in one relationship since my husband died and it was short lived. He died 13 years ago this month. After he suicided, it took so much out of me. The grieving process was so complicated. I didn’t understand how I could know someone so INTIMATELY and not know that he could take his own life. I really do have good instincts once I KNOW a person well. (NOT good instincts at picking them) But I really love with my whole heart and soul. I knew he was going to drink again (he was in recovery). He was in a dry drunk. but no one else noticed this (in his AA group) but me. He did drink again and ONE week after he started drinking, he took his life.
I ended up about 2 1/2 years after he died getting involved with a friend of mine who lived accross the street from me. It was a disaster right from the start. Because we were friends first, I explained to him I didn’t want to be friends with benifits. I know myself well, and I can’t be involved with someone intimately without having a conventional relationship. I do become emotionally involved. He thought about it for awile and said that is what he wanted to. But it never was….It never was anything but friends with benifits.
I broke it off and it was hard. I was heart broken and had lost a friend because although he wanted to carry on as if nothing ever happened, I could NOT because I cared for him. It was difficult enought that he lived right accross the street from me and my son played with his son.
Awile after I was pressured by a few friends to try match.com. For me this didn’t work. Most of the guys I met were like “shopping” for a woman. I’m sure I wasn’t ready but it reminded me of when you were in school and in gym class and everyone stood in line waiting to get “picked” by the team. If this was “your” sport, you would be picked right away…. Otherwise….
Since then I haven’t dated a soul. I live in a small town, The only “action” over here is at the bars. Being the “drunk magnet” that I am, I stay away from the bars. I don’t drink (maybe once every 2 or 3 yrs I have a drink) so why go? Like you I would like to meet someone special at the grocery store! HASN’T HAPPENED.
Although I feel like a born again virgin….Lol. I am ok with this now. I would love to have someone in my life but I don’t necessarily want to put myself out there. This makes me feel to vulnerable.
Dating sites can be an ok way to meet people. Some people have luck with it. But you do make yourself vulnerable. I happened to meet men that to me seemed like “professional daters”. That turned me off.
Unfortunately in this day and age if you don’t want to frequent bars it is another option. Not trying to turn you off to this avenue. Just be prepared! And don’t have alot of expectations. Lots of trolls on these sites as well as maybe some good people.
I have thought about maybe going another avenue.
Maybe voluntering somewhere to meet some new people and help a good cause? I have to much on my plate right now….But this is an idea for the future. Did you ever think about something like this? Maybe habitat for humanity, or…?
Sorry, didn’t mean to give you my whiole life story….Just wanted you to know that being “alone” is a problem many of us share.
It’s been just over two years, for me. But I’m okay with it. It’s very peaceful, and I get to be as self-centered as I want. LOL. It’s nice to not have somebody elses wants, needs, etc. etc. etc, to consider. It’s really a new thing for me, and I have to say, it’s quite refreshing.
I hope ya’ll have a great day!
Good Morning,
Kim and Witsend,
I was at my friends again last night. I feel like I’m not bonding the way that I had hoped. Not getting the bonding feelings I had with the P. Maybe I’m incapable of bonding with a non-P? wouldn’t that be sad? Maybe I just can’t bond at all now.
Or maybe he’s just not the right guy.
you’re probably right Kim.
What are the chances that I would leave the P and fall right in love with the perfect guy?
But I really wanted to bond anyway, just so that I could get the P off my mind. It does feel a little bit better, but there is some backlash of panic/anxiety, when I’m with him. I keep such a high alert for red flags: is he laughing enough? is he laughing at the right jokes? Is he laughing too much and trying to fool me because I told him P’s don’t get jokes?
skylar,
Don’t loose hope….The truth of the matter is that instant bonding & chemistry you might have felt with the P early on wasn’t real. It was part of the fantasy of him.
Real and true bonding might take some time. Especially when two people enter in a relationship on healthy terms. With a certain amount of hesitance to jump right in.
Give it a little more time. Learn to trust him before you bond with him.
Sky,
Could you be more specific about what you mean by “not bonding”? What is actually happening? I think the “instant chemistry” you can feel with someone is a very poor indicator of whether they would make a good relationship partner. That’s one of the reasons dating is challenging for me. Most of the guys I meet want to jump in bed very quickly, but for me, it takes a while to get to know them and for them to get to know me. I just don’t do instant relationships like I did when I was younger.
g’morning Star,
I think the not bonding part is me thinking he is thinking something other than what he seems to be thinking?
in other words, feeling like maybe there are head games going on?
before anything physical, I expect a certain amount of “manners” and dating ritual stuff. Stuff like: don’t call too often and don’t seem too eager. Then we started kissing, and I’ve tried to be upfront about my past and how weird it is, so he knows I’m a little unnerved. I’ve been honest and I thought he was too. But now I feel like there should be more “something” in the communication but it still feels a little strained. I’m not sure how else to put it.