We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
skylar,
follow your instincts….If you think their are some head games going on. Treat that like there ARE head games going on.
It thought you were talking more of the instant chemisty thing. THAT can be very over rated. Its movie “stuff”.
Real lasting relationships need for bonding to take place. NOT instant chemistry.
But head games are a red flag. Relationships shouldn’t involve “game playing.”
skylar,
The other thing is…..Don’t share EVERYTHING about yourself to soon. I think we do that as women and it can turn around and bite us in the butt. It makes us totally vulnerable before we even know if this person is trustworthy of knowing this stuff about us.
Try to get him to talk about his past. If he isn’t forthcoming about any of where he is coming from…..That would be enough to put on the brakes in my book and TAKE things REALLY slow or exit completely if you see red flags.
maybe it’s me? Maybe people censor their words more than I do. I wonder if I’m not too much of an open book. I’m not really afraid of being hurt and maybe I expect other to not be afraid of it either. I’m not afraid of rejection, I just don’t want to lose a friend over the whole intimacy thing.
Maybe i just have no idea how to have a normal relationship. Is there a “relationship for dummies” book.
Witsend,
you’re right he doesn’t talk about his past too much.
I’ve known him forever – about 18 years. He has his own home and has worked the same job and has the same interests.
So I know about that, but I don’t know anything about previous relationships. How do I approach that?
skylar,
Maybe it is you….But you have to tow the fine line of TRUSTING yourself (your gut reaction) either way. And not doubting yourself.
Men rarely are open books…..And I think that is where we as women do ourselves an injustice by being to open, early on in a relationship.
I think it wiser to spend the time you could be divulging your past history to them, USE that time instead, asking them questions….Find out more about their past. What they want in a relationship, and what are they looking for and where they have been.
That is the only way I could ever gain trust in a man again. I am done being the open book early on, when I get to know someone. I have no problem in them knowing…..But they are going to have to wait and show some patience.
It’s not that I want to fall in love and get married. i just don’t want to play games. If it’s gonna be friends with benefits, then I actually expect to be friends. that’s all. If he doesn’t want to be friends and just wants a physical relationship, then he should say that too. It could work out either way. I just want the TRUTH. Anything else is too weird after what the P did to me.
Speaking from the position of hindsight being 20/20 — do not attempt to get into a new relationship while you are still disentangling yourself from a relationship with an S. Because any odds you want to give, I’ll cover, you will end up discussing the S with your date. This is not cool.
Hi Matt,
been there done that. I’ve told him everything – almost – and we laugh about it. He may be getting a bit tired of it.
The reason it comes up so much is partly his fault: he’s a budding screenwriter. So when we watch TV, I have to point out all the narcissists and psychopaths, as well as any traits. I’m trying to convince him that you simply can’t have a good screenplay without a narcissist – otherwise, where would the drama come from?
But, so you think it still isn’t cool to talk about it? Okay, I’ll try really hard.
skylar,
Him having a job and a home are both good things. At least from the outside looking in, he looks stable enought to have a long standing job.
But I have never known a man (unless he has something to hide) that didn’t like to talk about himself SOME if he was persuaded to do so in the begining of a relationship.
The key is balance. If he talks NON STOP about himself….That would indicate that he was self centered. Not a good sign.
If you can’t get a darn thing out of him even when you ask a direct question thats not good either.
If he never actually answers any of your questions you ask but “talks around them” instead, thats really bad because that indicates he’s lying about something. In my opinion anyways.
A man who is comfortable in his own shoes and has nothing to hide should be fairly comfortable to share with you about himself.
Skylar don’t be shy. Ask him straight up if he is looking for a friends with benefits thing…..
But if you get involved with that DON’T have expectations of it being anything other than that.
I lost a good male friend of mine even after I asked this question. Its not worth it. I told him I couldn’t be involved without getting emotionally involved. He lied to me and said he wanted an emotional relationship as well.
DON’T go there (sex) until you feel more confident with this guy. ASK about his X wife if he has one. Ask how long his long term relationships lasted…Ask what happened when they ended. LISTEN very carefully to what he tells you.
If he accepts NO responsibility for them ending and blames everything on the other party involved, then they are either still to fresh for him, or he is not a good guy. When you are still fresh to a break up it is easy to blame the other person. BUT usually as time goes on you realize that you did some things to….
EVEN if that was just staying way to long in a toxic relationship. People still have to “own” up to their role in the relationship.
Thats what you want to see. A guy who CAN own up to his part in the relationship.
Those are some really good points, Witsend.
I’m probably sending weird signals to him because of my constant talk about the psychopath and the instability of my financial situation. I’m lucky he gives me the time of day! LOL.
So, I guess like Matt said, I need to stop talking about the psychopath and that requires that I stop thinkiing about him 24/7. Or at least not feel anything for him.
So that’s where the friends with benefits comes in. It’s kind of a chicken and the egg syndrome.
I know I still have PTSD, plus a plethora of other mental/emotional issues related to my childhood and P-parents.
On a related note: My ex-P keeps calling me. He keeps giving me offers, like saying he won’t sue me if I give him $70,000 but today it was $20,000 and the 5th wheeler and by the end of the conversation it was $10,000 and the 5th wheeler. LOL.
But he keeps saying he will pay for therapy if I go with him. I know it’s a trap, but I don’t know what kind of trap it is. I would actually really like for him to pay for my therapy. He even offered to have me go separate from him or together with him. I don’t know why it is but he is saying he wants to pay for my therapy. I’m wondering what kind of angle I could work, since the therapists who work with narcissism disorders cost $180/hour.
I know it’s crazy, trying to work the sociopath for money, but the truth is, I’m not going to progress on any level if I don’t fix my PTSD, so I’m considering all options.