We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Skylar,
Here is my take on this: You are getting involved with someone way too quickly. Get to know him as a friend and see for yourself what his character is. Once you’ve gotten physically involved, it’s too late to go back and look at his character, because you will not be able to be objective. I know you have physical needs–we all do. But if you want a serious and mutual relationship, you will have to put those on hold and wait. If you have any doubts that he may be playing “head games”, then wait. The majority of men will be on their best behavior and tell you all kinds of warm and fuzzy things because they want to have sex with you. They will listen to you go on an on about your exes, and they will tell you they are nothing like your ex.
Guys do not bond through sex the way we do. If that is the “bonding” you are talking about, you will have to give it time to let it happen.
Also, Sky, I think if the sociopath is still on your mind and you have feelings for him, it is just too soon to get involved with someone else. You are hoping that if you bond with a new guy, it will replace your feelings for your ex. Even if this happens, you will still have issues that you have not worked through, and they will sabotage the new relationship. You need to work through the underlying issues first so you can have a solid foundation to build a new relationship on. This is my opinion for what it is worth.
Skylar,
I agree with star on the above post.
Your putting the CART before the horse trying to forget about your Xp by getting involved with someone else. Right now he is taking up TO MUCH space in your head.
I know it SEEMS like a wonderful diversion being with this guy. BUT if if you have spent alot of time talking about the negatives in your past, the Xp and your financial situation…..I have to wonder what is this guy thinking? Why would he want to get involved with this? Most guys who “rescue” women in distress are not guys that are looking for a stable, healthy relationship. They have their OWN issues.
Sky you were really young when you got involved with your X. You had already been damaged by your family of origin and he damaged you even more……You are AMAZING to have survived this and be who you are today.
This guy sounds like he could be a GREAT friend to you. I am not sure about the romance. I would tip-toe and not rush into anything. If he likes you, he will STILL like you in a few months.
Thats the ONE thing about an ADULT relationship. You can take things as SLOW as you want to. If there is any kind of pressure than they don’t care about you very much. They are thinking about themselves. Sex should always FOLLOW after a basic relationship has been built. Never before.
Now on another topic:
YOUR X is calling you and saying he will pay for your therapy. WITH WHAT? AFTER you give him the 10 grand? NOT!
OMG Sky, listen to what he is saying to you…..HE is trying to get you in his trap again.
You need to stop talking to him or even listening to his phone calls. Erase them. Don’t pick up. What happened to N/C?
I found that I thought about the S more than I wanted to, and the thoughts were accompanied by anger, sadness and/or frustration. Worse, when I felt moderate anger, sadness and/or frustration, I thought about the S and felt anger, sadness and/or frustration longer than was reasonable under the current circumstances.
I used thought stopping techniques to break the loop. In my case, because memory tasks are somewhat challenging to me, and because I’m devout, mentally reciting the 23rd psalm (KJV) with complete accuracy was sufficient. It stopped the loop between my unwanted thoughts and emotions.
One might reasonably fear that I could end up obsessively reciting the 23rd psalm many times a day. In my case this concern was unrealized. I find myself needing to do this about twice in every three day period, down from nearly 5 times a day last month. I hope the problem may go away almost entirely in a month or two.
Obviously, I needed to do something. If the problem had proven resistant to this technique, I would have gotten professional help.
Witsend,
He is a drug dealer who always has money. He is only messing with me about needing money. He just wants to pull my strings and lie to me to see if I will believe him and be afraid. the only reason he takes money is because it’s how he keeps score. It’s how he keeps account of how much power he has over people – by how much $ he can take them for. He’s really mad that I have told some of his friends that he is a conman. He says he’s moving to another country (LIES) but that if I don’t sign the papers he has that he will eventually come back and SUE me.
On ANOTHER NOTE: I’ve figured something out about myself.
I’ve been living with a mythical creature in a mythical land.
I’ve been Wendy and he’s been peter pan. Neither of us have had to live in the real world for 25 years – (for him it’s been 55 years) and now the bubble is burst, the genie turned against me, and I’m in a spiral falling toward the very real ground and I’m scared. I want him to come back to the real world with me so I don’t have to do it alone. But of course, he’s a genie and he doesn’t belong in this world so he won’t come back with me. And I really don’t want him to because a genie doesn’t belong to this world. He belongs in fantasy land and it would be cruel to bring him here. Besides, in the real world, he would lose his magic powers. So here I am alone, without my magic. Without my genie.
He always used his magic power to turn straw into gold. I used my ties to the real world to connect into reality but only as long as was necessary to keep magic land intact. Together we did pretty well. Everyone was fooled. They thought we were real people, no one knew we were magical beings. I’m like Samantha on Bewitched, trying to get things done without twitching my nose because I’ve lost my powers. I’m scared because when I was with him I always knew everything would be okay. if anything went wrong, we could always tap into the magic.
Skylar,
You had me at “He is a drug dealer”. Can we say HUMONGOUS RED FLAG???
Star, I’m talking about my ExP, not my new friend who works at microsoft. LOL!
I know, sweetie. You are still strugging with NC with him, so that’s why I mentioned it.
Oh, okay, I see what you meant.
Yeah, I am struggling at NC, because I’ve allowed myself to think about him to try to understand the issue more. And I guess my curiosity has gotten the best of me. I’m fascinated by this maybe because it is revealing so much about me, that I had never understood. It’s so hard to have one foot in reality and one foot in fantasy land. Maybe that’s why I’m trying so desperately to bond with a real person.
skyler:
If you agreed to S paying for your psychotherapy, I can guarantee that you will never get over your PTSD or anything else since you will still be engaged with him.
In your shoes I would investigate free/sliding scale sources of psychotherapy. When I was living in LA and stone broke, I checked out the psychiatric residency program run through County-USC Medical Center. I was assigned to the chief psych resident. She was great, I didn’t have to pay for the meds, and I didn’t have to pay a penny. Teaching hospitals all over this country work on the same principle. Check it out. Also, in almost every county I have ever lived in you can find a referral service to therapists who work on the sliding scale.
What concerns me is not only that you are entertaining the notion that someone who is a financial deadbeat will rise to the occasion and pay for your therapy (this is an example of magical thinking at its worst), but that you continue to have any interaction with him at all. Until you change your number, change your email and cut off contact you will never get over him and get on with your life. Everyone, and I repeat everyone on this site will agree with the NC statement.