We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
I know Matt, it is magical thinking. I mean I bet he would pay for it, but there is some other reason in his mind, it isn’t because he cares about me. He just wants access to torture me. thanks everyone for letting me monopolize the thread. I know everyone has their issues, too. It looks like we all have serious financial issues. Matt, you and I both need jobs. Star needs help with her bank (I hate banks). It would be great if all the LF people could somehow find a way to pool our talents and resources together and create some financial wealth.
I have a house on 2 acres with trees but in this market, neither are worth much. If I had money, I would fix it up and rent it as a vacation home. It’s on a beautiful island next to a state park near a beach. Fixed up it would be a perfect little chapel and wedding venue.
I agree with Matt, Skylar. There is a BIG difference between thinking about him and analyzing what happened and MAKING CONTACT with him. Use this site to talk about him, obsess over him, and analyze the relationship. But if you even CONSIDER talking to him ever again, you will be endangering yourself. Even without the knowledge of his personality disorder, the fact that he deals drugs makes him very dangerous.
Sky, you can do this. You can face your life without him. You don’t need him.
You know, Sky, I was still totally in love with my ex S when I went NC. And my ex S was not nearly as bad as most others I read about here. Once I knew what his game was, I felt I had no choice. I made the decision in my head. It took my heart nearly a year to follow. It killed me never to talk to him again. I fantasized about him. I dreamt about him. I had imaginary conversations in my head. But I NEVER entertained the thought of contacting him again. I knew in my head that it would be death. I am concerned that you do not have this understanding yet. You seem to still be going back and forth into denial. I’m not gonna lie–it’s painful to face the truth and deal with reality, as you call it. It hurts. It’s like a death of sorts. You get to a point where you honestly think you will die without him. You feel like you will die from the pain. But if you want to get to the other side you have to face it, honey. When you can face that, you will know you can face down anything life throws at you.
Hugs
Thank you Star,
Your presence means the world to me.
My brain is coming up with all kinds of excuses and reasons. But I suspect my brain is a P! It’s lying to me. it’s deceiving me. It comes up with reasons for why things are when it just doesn’t want to face reality. Sick, bad brain!
Maybe it’s just tired. I ask it to take on more than it’s ready to handle. I think I’m superwoman and can do anything, but in reality I just want to lay in bed with my PTSD. How do other people do it?
This is how you do it. You pay attention to yourself. You notice you have thoughts. You notice you have feelings. You let yourself feel the feelings. You ask whatever your concept of a higher power is to remove all of it. Then you sit there and breathe and let it go. You may have to cry. You may have to scream. Or you can just lie down quietly and let it go out the top of your head like a beam of energy. But you have to first WANT to let it go. It’s very romantic and also familiar to hang onto the dream. But it’s not real, honey. Believe me, I am the most hopeless romantic that ever lived. I know all about holding onto dreams. I’ve chased unavailable men for YEARS! The same one. For years!!! When you get it through your head that this guy is NOT AVAILABLE, what choice do you have but to let go? It’s nice for a while to live in the fantasy world with him. But ultimately it’s unfulfilling cause it will never be real. Don’t you think I’d love for that young guy I had the fling with to come back into my life and profess his undying love for me? Of course I would. But do I let him rent space in my head? HELL no! It’s just a fantasy. Life’s too short for me to live in a fantasy. I want a shot at a real relationship before I die. I will never have one if I’m living in my head in a fantasy.
I also want to tell you that I am totally over the sociopath. I don’t need to be here any more to get support for him. I don’t really have any business being here except to tell you what it’s like from the other side. It feels GREAT not to have the sociopath taking up space in my head. I am just living my life now. My life is not perfect at the moment. But it’s 1000 times better than what it was a year ago. I got help from a higher power, Sky. I couldn’t have done it alone. Ask for help. Even if you don’t believe in a higher power. Just say, “If you do exist, please help me.” You will get the help. There are forces in the universe that are greater than our small lives. And those forces will help us if we ask.
Star,
i do believe in a higher power, I’m just kinda mad at him, right now.
– I have jewish roots. We all get like that.
Hey, I’m Jewish too!!!! And I have Buddhist leanings. So the higher power thing was a really hard sell for me, and still is most times. But really tough times call for unusually big solutions, you know? I prayed and sought spiritual guidance when the pain was so great I was thinking about suicide.
The thing that actually helped me the most was a chance meeting with a very powerful Indian woman who is considered a holy woman around the world. She happened to be passing through Denver last year when I was at the worst of my depression over the S, and I got a blessing from her and asked her for help. I think this saved my life. I don’t think I could have done it on my own. Every night for a month after I met her, I lay down in my bed at night and prayed to her to take my pain away. I put these ashes on my tongue that she gave to me. I could feel the pain and negativity leaving my body, a little more each day, until it was gone. I did not become a follower of hers or anything like that. In fact, I saw her at a gathering this summer, and I didn’t even feel much connection with her. She just happened to be at the right place at the right time last year. And she helped me tremendously.
Cool, Star,
I’m actually Catholic, but many of my ancestors were Jewish.
So sorry that you went through those thoughts of suicide. My xP actually made me wish I wasn’t alive. Every morning i would wake up and curse the fact that I had lived to see daylight. I’m not kidding. That went on for years. Thank you for reminding me of that.
I think that, as bad as I feel right now, it’s important to remember that I survived worse. Maybe that’s why you stay on here at LF, to help you remember how strong you are because you survived.
I’m really glad you did. I’m so grateful that you are here. To me that’s God’s presence – YOU are God’s presence.
(((BIG HUG)))