We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
I am here because I think it’s really important to give back, and this is part of my healing. The people here have given me so much and kept me out of denial. But being here also helps me in other areas of my life. I still have so much work to do. No one has ever yelled at me for talking about non-P related things, like my mortgage issues.
And if anything I say can help anyone, that is like a gift that is given back to me. It feeds my soul to give AND receive.
Star and Skylar,
I’m always glad to see you both here, just to let you know…I like your take on things. We all are kind of soul sisters and brothers here. I was brought up Catholic, finally shed alot of that clinging-to-guilt thing but somehow I latched onto a book about St. Therese when I was a child. She and a holy card I saved from when I was about 7 have seen me through some pretty tough times! I still pray to her and that gives me alot of peace when I need it.
Persephone,
My sister in Denver just sent me a prayer to St. Therese.
She is the only non-P in my family.
I’m so glad that you are here too.
That’s pretty awesome, Persephone. I am also glad both of you are here.
I always feel like my life is a giant puzzle. I’m always trying to rearrange the pieces to fit in the right way to ensure my maximum survival. I look forward to the day (if it ever happens) when I can move out of survival mode and into really thriving. I will admit here, that in spite of my usual good spirits, the thought occasionally crosses my mind that if I were to get sick and die, it would relieve me of all of this mortgage/money/survival crap. I have wondered if that is why I’ve been getting sick a lot lately. Maybe my body is just shutting down. This sounds pretty morbid I know, but it’s my biggest fear. I don’t fear being alone, and I don’t fear evil people. I fear not being able to survive in the next 5-10 years because of bad financial decisions.
I have the same problem as the person in the original letter. It has been 7 months since I have seen the S in my life. Everyday I struggle. I miss him. The sex was intense, as was the emotional connection I felt. It was indeed real..for me. I also find it hard to control my thoughts and resist frm calling him. I have started dialectal behavior therapy and it seems now that I am on the right track. When I feel weak I come here, read all the posts and realize that Ss have wreaked so much pain and havoc in their victim’s lives. They are undeserving of our attention, our love and especially our thoughts. I say these things out loud when I am think obsessively of him. It’s not easy to forget how you felt when you were with that person because unlike them you are capable of love and opened your heart to them. Good luck to all victims with their daily struggle. I know as time goes by I feel better and it gets easier.
Sky,
Thanks…had to reply and then back to the drawing board…My sister is in Denver, too! She and I had good talk today – she is one who is ill with ALS
and her latest inspiration is woman named Evy McDonald who has website (don’t know how to post that like you guys do!) Evy is(was?)in the medical
field and was diagnosed with ALS and given a year to live. So she apparently went through all the stages of anger and grief and thinking she was going
to die just as they told her and then she decided to explore the mind-body connection more and more. She started working on looking at her past
patterns, medical, emotional – the whole gamut and continued to be positive and worked on forgiveness as well. We’ve all heard of special cases like this – but she has managed to turn even ALS around and says she is healthier than ever! I read some of her background and there are a number of articles on her website that relate to everyone, not just ALS patients. My sister has sounded so much more at peace lately, she says she’s been thinking alot about her own chips on her shoulder and forgiving past husbands and herself with more and more success. Lately I’d felt some frustration with my family, even her situation as it has affected my own financial situation – don’t like to admit that, but it’s reality. So our talk today was so healing – even when I’ve been out there, there are always nurses around and everyone tries to keep everything light and humorous so that she and I never really get to TALK – so this was wonderful for both of us. Check out first article by Evy telling about her life and what she did for her own transformation.
Bewildered,
It sounds to me like your head is in the right place. It can take a while for your heart to catch up. But time is on your side. It is such a great healer.
Persephone,
What is ALS? I also know of a few people who have reversed terminal cancer through meditation and herbal medicine and a very thorough releasing of anger and resentments in their lives. The mind is so unbelievably powerful. Your sister’s story is very powerful and has lessons for everyone about forgiveness.
BTW, your sister lives in Denver. Sky’s sister lives in Denver. I live in Denver……….I sense a Denver reunion in the making here…..
Maybe if we pray, God will provide us a Denver thankgiving at Star’s house.
I totally think you should come to my house on Thanksgiving.