We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Star:
ALS is a mouthful, can’t remember all of it now but it is Lou Gehrig’s disease and is a gradual degeneration of your muscles – your brain is no longer able to send
messages through the neurons to your muscles and you eventually become immobile, essentially paralyzed. Meanwhile, as in my sister’s case – her brain and
thinking processes are fine – right now her saving grace is her sense of humor but she has practically no lung capacity, is on a ventilator and has been in a hospital
bed in her living room with one nurse always there (4 nurses rotate day/nights) and she’s lucky her partner of 10 years now is a very good man with his own
business who is standing by her. She still enjoys eating meals with everyone but it is becoming more and more difficult for her to even chew and she lost the
ability to move her hands and raise her arms about two months ago. She can be hooked up to use her vocal chords and speak with help of ventilator for about
an hour at a time and can still talk on phone with help of bluetooth. This is her ‘normal’ life for now – My brother and I are in different states with jobs and we’ve
both been out 4-5 times since January when she was finally diagnosed. I’ve posted some things about her situation before but she is a survivor in her own way no
matter what – she’s been through hell and back with her own three marriages, first two good men she is still friends with but third she is just now making peace with –
he probably falls into one of categories here though he does seem to have genuine remorse at this point for what he put her through. We all had a mother who put
up with incredible abuse from our stepdad, we always begged her to leave him but she stayed for 25 years until he got so abusive physically (the mental had gone on
for years with her and with us) that she finally had to leave her own home – my sister took her in at that time with her third husband – let’s just say she’s had a heck of
a life, some really great times, good friends but some incredible stress and tried to be all things to too many people to her own detriment. So she and Lily should be
some kind of example to us all – who knows why any illness strikes but we put ourselves so at risk if we don’t truly take care of ourselves and not buy into other’s
agendas for us. I’m still working on that one myself…
As for the Denver connection, someday it would be great to meet there, you two should
do it, I was just out there for big ALS march at City Park – don’t know if I could do this Thanksgiving just because my funds from all these trips and still needing
to cover my own expenses with house, etc. has just hit the point I’m going have to be pulling major rabbits out of my hat to stay afloat myself – or move – who knows –
right now I check in here and with good friends and like my sister, am just trying to keep my sense of humor and gratitude!
Off to bed, still go ahead and check website – just google Evy McDonald and I think it’s something about her ALS – another perspective – article. Sorry about these long
posts sometimes, I don’t mean to drone on…
Hey I know you guys will be happy for me! I got to see my 3 grandkids last Sunday for the first time in 6 months! Their dad, my awesome son in law,{he and my daughter are still not divorced, but have been separated for 3 and a half years.The last time I got to see them with my daughter was on 8th dec.08. I had to virtually pay her to come, she didnt have a car,[still doesnt have one} and asked for A$200- to rent a car for the day. I think I was conned again, it seemed a lot of money for one day! Anyway, I saw them on Marys 8th Birthday, as Kev brought them over then. He now has full time custody of them, and they seem much happier and more secure. They came for lunch,and stayed around 3 hours. I said”Granny has 6 months worth of Hugs to use up!”Lots of hugs, especially Mary, the youngest. Holly, who is 14, is really a young woman now, and so sensible. she helps her dad a lot, esp. with Mary. My cup truly runneth over, as myIranian “kids” are coming next Sunday! Love and {{{HUGS}} to all of you!!Gem.XX
persephone7
God bless your sister. She certainly is an example to us all.
And lucky for her that she has great family members. (you)
I can’t even imagine being sick like this and not having extended family that care.
geminigirl,
Wow, good for you gemini. It is to bad they didn’t live closer and you could enjoy them more often.
I think when it comes to gradmas though, a childs memory isn’t about how often they see grandma but how special that visit would be.
My mother was a wonderful grandma to my kids. If she were still alive and saw my son, and how he is…..I think it would kill her.
I’m approaching three years…it does get much easier with time. My therapist (yes having one that has experience with PTSD is extremely helpful) helps me see my successes even when I don’t. I will always have to deal with my ex-S, because we share a child. However, I’ve come to a good place in learning what I own and letting go of the rest… He no longer hijacks the cpu cycles of my brain! I willingly allocate them when necessary, process, store and move on.
I just learned, last night, that the teenager I’ve been hiring, mentoring, and taking to see the colleges she’s interested in has dropped out of high school. Her family is doubtless ecstatic about it, especially her brother, who, at 23, has it all set up — his sister will support him with her new $7.50-an-hour job at Rite Aid. Just like his mom supports his ex-con dad with a job cleaning hospital rooms. And she can now join Job Corps instead of being the first in her family to get a diploma. It’s what they’ve wanted for her from the start.
I bought her “Codependent No More” a few weeks ago, and the change was dramatic. She moved out of her parents’ house, where her brother also lived, and in with her grandmother. Her mother helped because it was getting a bit incestuous with her brother, who threatened to commit suicide if she didn’t “go out” with him. By the way, the reason the father is an ex-con is that he threatened to shoot the guy he suspected was having an affair with his wife — but this guy wasn’t having an affair with his wife, he was molesting his 5-year-old daughter.
OK, folks, who’s the codependent in this picture? Who can’t stop thinking about the loser she’s leaving in the dust? Have you guessed? It’s me.
Bye, losers. Bye, sweet little manipulative girl. Bye, parasites.
Another generation has to learn it all the hard way. What is f*ing wrong with this country? It’s like a tsunami of ignorance sometimes, all glamorized as cool by the mass media.
sister sister, You lost me. Its early and I’m slow.
sistersister:
I had a similar experience. As mentor, all you can do is tell your mentee that you think they are making a mistake. He/she will deny it, of course. Then all you can do is wish them well and move on. As I learned the hard way with S, it is very easy to fall into the role of being a one-man Salvation Army. Problem is you can’t save people from themselves.
gem, your visit with your grandchildren sounds fabulous! What a blessing for you… and them! Yes, grandmas are very special (I hope to be one someday! But my daughter lives 3000 miles away!) Being with grandma really gives the children a sense of family, a sense of belonging, I hope you get to see them more often!
sister, I thought you said she left her home and went to live with her grandmother after you gave her the book?
Is this not a good thing?