We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
you have to grieve the loss of the one you love. whether now they are real, or not.
that part was real. accept that it was real. and accept that “it” is now gone.
sweetheart, you have to cry. you have to let yourself cry.
maybe you can get out of bed when these nightmarish memories occur…walk into another room. find a dark place in a chair. give yourself something to hold onto- a (maybe plastic) cup is good, with hot tea or coffee is my choice) (ohyes i do this) and then let yourself look back. and weep for the person you did know.
these people get to where they are by a vicious cycle in their own lives, and i believe, deep at the root of their beings, they are also human beings…..deep deep at the root.
and it is the principle behind christianity, here. forgivenness. but to reach that point, one has to weep for that little child inside them who got lost; one has to retrieve and experience and understand…..and weep for the loss. give yourself some time, for this is not a simple process….
i had two “s” relationships…a total of 17.5 years. before there was a web for support or even a diagnosis of such types…and i survived. with damaged children. i even married again, and that time to a wonderful human being…who unfortunately died five years ago. and in that loss, which is death, i learned this technique, and you should learn something similar. because the person you loved is dead, also. they are no longer in existence. same as dead. so grieve them as that.
and let yourself grieve. crying is still the best way to do that, altho if you are like i was, my tears had seemed to dry up. eventually they came back. good sign. remember how to cry, and you will be finally free.
I tried many kinds of things to make me feel better: therapy, praying, acupuncture, etc…nothing worked out. The only think that helped me go on and relieved my anxiety was medication.Those feelings come, but you don’t feel bad. I’ll be honest, a lot of people are prejudice and I was too against using this kind of medicine, let’s say, for “depression”. I don’t have depression, but I felt sad and really bad about those memories, either good or bad. If I knew the medication would help me so much, I would have taken it before. So, it’s not that the medication is going to be magical. But it’s so important for us to be strong emotionally and physically and for some time don’t have those unconfortable feelings we want to get rid of and can’t. I’ts a very usefull tool for us, that went through a trauma. And it’s temporary, don’t cause dependancy and it was the best thing I did for me…the only thing the medication did was, when I had a bad memory, I didn’t feel sad and depressed anymore. I didn’t feel anxious. Our body needs that time and it really helps. Separate the memory and the feeling. Disconect. Our brain is gonna start slowing down. It needs some rest too. Sorry about my english, I’m brazilian.
Lostandsad…
Waitressing in a BUSY resturant is one of the BEST jobs… in our situation…instant $$…a LOT to learn (while forgetting the IDIOT); instant praise… and, you will meet all kinds of new people and make new friends 🙂
Dear Witsend,
Thank you for your EXCELLENT advice. That is exactly what my therapist said, that my husband’s behavior was triggering some of the fear of the P’s behavior and my reaction to it was partly still a reaction to the P. AND that she also said to separate the disease from the person, and I feel much, much better, and my husband is talking to a therapist right now. I feel we will continue to move forward in a positive direction. First slip in 10 months and he is resolved again and very sincere.
Thank you all for being here!
Dear Stargazer and everyone….it was WONDERFUL meeting Stargazer and I will say that if you have some chemistry here you will probably have it in person too, because we had a great time! Probably would have had an even better time had I not been all worried about my situation with my husband and if Stargazer had felt better, but nonetheless we laughed a lot and talked for many hours. It was great! She is wonderful, very pretty, very intelligent and interesting person! And has her head on straight!
I think what Oxy said about having to go through it, you can’t go around it – you just have to go through it and hang on to the knowledge that if you stay strong, ‘this too shall pass.’
I was in my garage yesterday and found shoebox with letters from my ex-husband who died, very sad situation 10 years ago. They were sad love letters after we split for last time
and I knew I couldn’t go back – and I remember how hard that period was – it was SO painful. Yet I could see those words again and look at some old photos I’d kept and know it was
what it was – it’s in the past, it didn’t make me cry now. Lostandsad and Overcoming, we all cope whatever way we can – I’ve never tried waitressing but sometimes if you can just
immerse yourself in a job or making art or gardening – something that feels creative or productive or calming (or even exhilarating!), your mind won’t stay so sad for long periods of time – and you can still allow yourself moments to grieve and know it’s necessary for you.
Hello Whoever has wrtten their story here I say that if you replace the “He” with a “She” this is the same life I had with a women who was a sociopath. I met her online on a dating site, met her within a week, got engaged to her in 2 weeks, married her in 6 weeks.
The feeling what you are going through is the same……It has been one year that she has left me and I am yet to get a divorce from her. But, she is already with other men dating and other things.
I bought her a home, moved her stuff from another state and gave her the best. Took her out, took outside the country for a vacation and nothing changed. She just ripped me off financially by making me spend, emotionally and now she has gone and I have not seen her for the last 4 months. Till then I believed her, trusted her and believed whatever she said till I found out that she was sleeping with several other men and talking to almost 20 to 30 men online who booked her hotel rooms, flight tickets and still she is doing it after I knew what she was doing. That is when I was firm with my divorce and now still fighting to get out of her. Why I am writing this is because the same thing this person feels in what she said “How can someone hurt you when they said they loved you, married you, you bought a home for them, you moved their things, and who spat on you, who put you on charges and who left you, who cheated on you and left you financially bankrupt can have conscience walking around like this and still hurting many more”.
The best thing in this person’s posting and my experience was the same thing what she feels I felt as we had great sexual life, and we were excellent partners. Whe she turns, I turn and we were attached to each other always and remembering how we were together in bed in such a way that I could not get over it and it kills me too when I know that she is with many other men doing the same thing every other weekend. Which just amazes me. And kills me bit by bit. This is why I like this person whoever it is to let her know that the same thing I went through in my life and now I am trying to be a better father as I neglected my children and pulling through this incident which occurred to me. It has been almost 4 months I have not seen her and I used to think that she would come to see me one day atleast, but she never. She just is gone with the wind……….
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted! Living in that same house with her memories and sleeping in the same bed and wandering alone in the house makes me more depressed. But, she did not care as she was just a game player and she player her game………
I am now slowly getting over this an pulling through with my life and taking small steps knowing the fact that she is with different men on different weekends…….It just kills me.
I can’t stay ‘focused’ on anything…. I’ve been trying to write and be creative but my mind always goes back to him… I have been having a HARD time fighting the urge to call or text him. I can’t believe I have lasted this long. But today it’s killing me…. I want to reach out to him, but I know that he’ll just rub in my face how “well” he is doing living on his own, going out with all the women he can meet and making money. Meanwhile, he has left me here in this mess. I’m jobless, trustless, and have no sense of myself or my worth….
Lostnsad,
Don’t cave. You can get through this part. It’s the hardest part. Give yourself a wide berth to feel all of this pain and longing. You will need to cry a lot. But it WILL get better. Don’t call him. Anyone who can leave you to feel like this does not deserve your time and attention. We’ve all been through this. Keep reading here and see that you are not alone!
Hugs,
Star
I’m trying sooo hard. The thing that sucks is that NOW he does have a job that pays and he thinks that he is not this evil asshole. That the fact that he ran up all my credit cards gambling was all MY fault. Once I lost my job and he had to support me — he’d be all mean and cruel and say things like get off your lazy ass and get a job. I’d say — I never did that to you when you were out of work. Then he’d reply that that was my fault that I shouldn’t have allowed it and that he never held a “gun” to my head to give him the money or pay for shit…. So NOW I’m stuck with this mess and he just gets to move on? How is that even remotely fair???