We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
well I took mine back five times – thot i had lost my family, but they lost me..really I was insane – honestly, making us crazy is one of the tactics of sociopaths, and they are very good at what they do..my family didnt know what to do with me cause I would tell them my X was gone and the next week I would say well It’s on again, and I would make excuses for my xs behavior, because I wanted it to work so much, but my family knew I was in trouble but short of an intervention , they could only watch me fade into oblivion – lost 30 lbs. some money but most of all I lost my identity — you see my X didnt have an identity , so he took mine – creepy but true – he just walked in and took over my life – for months I was too embarrassed at my stupidity to face my family, cause they knew all along something bad was happining to me…and if you lost friends – so what – a friend would not leave you know matter what…Myself I realized my friends were exploiting me as well as my X – so new frinds new job new life – same family that always loved me…but let me say this to you and all here that read it – BEFORE the X came into my life there was an emptyness, a void that could not be filled……that emptyness is gone and it has nothing to do with my X – it is all about working on me and seeing life realisiticly — lots of work but I am still workin on it and I will stop rambling, I just want you to know this, things happen for a reason and the truth will set you free
right now he has another “loser” (and believe me she is a loser — sleeps with married men and other shit — so she gets what she deserves with him) that is providing him with $$ and anything he “needs” (not to mention the at least 5 other women he is having sex with) — but he will try to come back to me…. I just wanted this healing to happen as fast as it could (yes, unrealistic I know…) as I HAVE to be strong when he contacts me.
I took mine back WAY more than 5 times and every time I did (as I look back now) I lost something else along the way, my self respect, my dignity, my finances, my friends (I walked away from most of them as they thought I was nuts — I have NEVER told my family about anything that he did to me… the $$$, the hitting, the women, the things he got me to do…), my job was the final piece… the last few months while he has had a GREAT job and rubbing shit in my face (like he has any right) were insane…. And yes, they are GREAT at making you crazy… I have an excellent memory… It’s really kinda scary — and he’d have me doubting things I remembered, things I read, things I had seen and heard… But then he thinks that since at one point he stated to be “honest” with me about wanting to “have fun” and fuck anything that moved (sorry if I offend anyone but no other word really fits…) and that I was supposed to be OK with this… He actually got me thinking it was… And more…
It’s like someone came in and erased me… So now I’m just this empty computer blinking at the dos prompt ‘cuz I don’t know who or what I’m supposed to be anymore…
lostnsad – yes you do know who and what your supposed to be – listen to me~~!!! yer here….you see the light..thats a start – start thinking of your life as NEW – with out him with out pain – most of my pain was the loss of the ILLUSION he painted – he knew how to be how to act because he MIRRORED everything I said and did and he became everything I wanted – dang thats pretty awesome aint it~! Well I was the vulnerable, lonley, caring good person with a big heart that got took for a ride – well I still have that big heart but I got my head out of my ass and I can see a predator when it presents it self… as Mya Angelo says “When someone show’s you who they are, believe them the first time…”
But I still fear that I’ll fall back down the rabbit hole… I’ve known about the hole and the poison and still went back… He left this time… I’m just sooo afraid of going back… Because I know I won’t make it out the next time…
I like that saying and this one…
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
That’s me…. TOTALLY insane… lol
well – we all fell down that rabbit hole too many times – just listen to your self = listen too your instinct, its kickin you in the ass- I cant begin to tell you how important NO CONTACT is – and that means no contact forever – dont even speak too him – no contact is the only weapon you have – it drives THEN insane and they find fresh humanity to manipulate and exploit – on and on – work on you Lostnsad let that piece of fuckin shit GO~!
henry, the statement you wrote above… “BEFORE the X came into my life there was an emptyness, a void that could not be filled—that emptyness is gone and it has nothing to do with my X – it is all about working on me …” WELL, OMG!! Reading that was like an electrical shock to me!!! I actually blinked and shook my head!! I have to let this sink in!
Hi Shabby – 🙂
There’s the title of another good book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!
And the pothole in the street you keep falling into, finally you walk around
it, and finally you choose to walk down another street – without potholes.
lostnsad: can you afford to go talk more of this out with any kind of therapist – seems like it’s great to get it out here but you sound so in need
of someone to really care and assure you you are really ok – and you are
totally sane, you’ve just been with someone who’s made you feel insane!
lostandsad,
Please change your name to lost and found.
Because that’s what will happen to you. You will find out so much about yourself as you discover more about the PoiSoN in your life.
First, you will need to go No Contact and the only way to get him to stop bothering you is to be BORING. They can’t stand boring people. He will try to push your buttons because they eat emotions but if you stay DULL and monotonous, he will eventually fade away. You must channel a gray rock, be so dull and just respond with “ok” or “fine” or whatever is most appropriately boring.
Next, you must go to the library and search for books on narcissism. They will all be checked out because there are so many people in your shoes that the books just fly off the shelf. Get whatever is available and put holds on the others.
The more you inform yourself, the more AHA! moments you will have. Your brain will make connections and soon you will reconcile your new knowledge with the emotions that you are feeling. Then you’ll stop having emotions unless you want them.
Third, you are suffering from PTSD. So you need to take care of yourself. You will still freak out when you think you’ve met another P. But that’s just your emotions. The P’s can’t hurt you once you understand that a narcissist is just a 6 year old child. you know that they can’t accept responsibiltiy for their actions so don’t expect them to. Treat any new P’s you might meet as a child. There’s nothing more you can do.
I have been reading and reading non-stop since June when I first found out what a narcissist is. I’m reading some very complex books on mythology and some novels about narcissists. I read, “the little friend” by Donna Tartt and I re-read the old classic “that was then this is now” by SE Hinton.
I also read self help books on narcissism and books about understanding our lack of boundaries, such as “The art of selfishness” by David Seabury.
Gathering information is the way I deal with all my problems. I immerse myself in it until I come out the other side. I hope you can use this method for your own healing.