We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
To the original asker of this question about controlling our thoughts. I can say, after two years of NC and awakening to what sociopathy, narcissism, personality disorders are, I am just beginning to go through extended periods of having a restful mind. And it really was something that I ‘lived with’, because there was, for me, no way out.
If I am correctly understanding Dr. Leedom, then I agree that the only way to get to the other side of these thoughts is to take the very best care of yourself you can, and go through this part of the process. There hasn’t been, for me, any magic bullet to alleviate the thinking part of it. But, that said, finding my way to a good night of sleep, practicing yoga, meditation, refocusing my attention (even if it is a billion times a day); and just ‘watching’ the thoughts and feelings that accompany them, and then letting them go. These relaxation tools helped me with the experience.
As well I journaled, went to therapy, talked with a couple loving friends (till I was blue in the face), did other ‘process’ work (like Aloha’s list of badman traits), saw aura readers, had massage, cried buckets of tears, and took my vitamins. I also experiemented with a little too much alcohol, a short stint of antidepressants, and some xanax (which for me created too much rebound anxiety…I ended up liking Calms/melatonin/and betime tea…).
It seems to me, MHO, that this ‘obesessive’ thinking relates to or is wound up in the grieving process. Without our even knowing it we will go back and forth from denial to bargaining, to anger and depression. Obsessive thinking always comes up for me during any of these ‘phases’. The only phase that doesn’t bring up so much rehashing, missing, rewriting, and the associated feelings is acceptance.
For me the thoughts have slowed down since I began to cycle through acceptance. Acceptance feels calmer, softer, and quieter than the other parts of grief. Thing is it doesn’t appear to respond to our desire to ‘get there’, but comes when the other parts of grief are becoming fulfilled.
How exactly I ended up *finally* experiencing at least some level of acceptance is still kind of a mystery to me. But it does feel like I really just ‘hung on’ and did what I could to stay strong, soft, open, and willing while my spirit/body/mind did what it naturally does. Heal.
This blogsite has been immeasurably important in my holding on through all of this. Still is.
I hope it can be for you too. There is lots to learn here, lots to read, and lots of understanding and support.
Love to you….
Thank you for this blog.
I was very much in the obsessive thinking stage for longer than I want to admit. At least 18 months after the last time I spoke to him, two years after I last saw him, and probably 8 months leading up to that!!! Why it stopped I don’t know. Perhaps I finally got bored, finally realized the futility of going over and over the past, finally realizing I wasn’t even remembering everything correctly, when I would go and read old emails.
Part of it was coming to grips with the thinks Kathy lists above, realizing how evil he was.
In retrospect, though, I think I would have been better off using the “stop” techniques described here at LF in http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/09/16/after-the-sociopath-is-gone-no-contact-begins-in-my-head/.
I don’t know, but I think so. God, I wasted 20-30 hours a week ruminating. When it is that extreme, I think a person needs to start setting limits. I wish I had.
But whatever, I’m finally past that!!!
Slim, thank you for such an inspiring post!
JAH, thanks to you too!! 🙂
JAH, 20-30 hours a week!?
is that all?
i’m on it 24/7.
I can tell that even when I’m doing something else, I’m still ruminating with about 90% of my brain, because 10% doesn’t do anything else very well. It’s hard to read or enjoy anything without intrusive thoughts. Even my date last night was all about the P. Seriously, that was sad.
BUT, on the bright side: last night for the first time, I didn’t dream about the P! I had nice dreams about my friend. I’m hoping that it will be the beginning of the end.
On the other hand, the revelations of all that I learned are so huge and life-transforming (it’s like finding out that ALIENS HAVE LANDED), that really, it changes how you see everything else from now on. It has colored every aspect of my life, so the only way to stop obsessing on it is to fully integrate it with the rest of my world view, make it my own – not something alien, and move on.
Moving on could mean many things. But for now, it means I continue to find meaning in the things I experienced when I was with the P. It was my LIFE, 25 years of my time on earth, that he took, and I have the right to take it back by finding meaning and value in it and then using that value to make my life better than it would have been 25 years ago.
I can also say, that LF has made that possible like nothing else has. Seeing how these “things” have affected so many people helps so much to give it perspective.
I think the obsessive thinking is our way of taking contol, (or trying to) of a situation that we have NO contol over. We are totally confused by the abusers inconsistancys; they make No sense. WE believe that by applying the laws of logic, we can GET IT. We are still trrying to understand them like we would understand a normal person, but these disordered THINGS are not normal, they are OTHER in the most profound sense of the word. There is no making sense of them!!!
I don’t think you can hurry the process though. I think it’s
necisisary and important. I think it is part of the greiving process, as Slimone noted. Having said that, I do think it’s possible to get stuck in it. After only a few months, I wouldn’t consider myself or anyone else stuck. Good God the FOG hasn’t even cleared yet.
Be patient with yourself, perhaps set a limit to the time you allow yourself to obsess at bed-time, say 30 minutes, then start repeating a mantra to yourself, or repeat a prayer, or a poem, of the lyrics to a song……….
I used to repeat the (well, damn, don’t even remember the number) but it was the psalm;
The Lord is my shepard, I shalt not want……….
over and over again ’til I went to sleep….
Peace and take it one day at a time.
Why do I just sit at home on saturday nite? I want to go out, I want to meet someone,but the thot of going out and Iget all anxious. I tell myself I know I wont meet nothing but trash so I just stay home, rent movies, putter around the house. Over a year and a half now of no contact – but I dont want to see him, this is more than depression – I am not depressed..just feel old and vulnerable..its like if I go out they will all know I am another one of his victims and laugh and snicker.
I like this saying:
When you take the “L” out of “Lover”, all that’s left is “Over. I always tried to figure what the “L” stood for, though, maybe, “lie”.
What is it in us that finally allows us to hear the fat lady singing? My fat lady was singing for a really long time, but I had my fingers in my ears. She was singing when he broke my rib, stole the rent money, seperated me from my support system and family, when I lost my home….but my superior intellect and empathetic nature kept my fingers firmly planted in my ears.
I can tell you now that the fat lady’s singing. And thank God I can hear her!!
Obsessive thinking is the beginning of hearing her. It’s not a bad thing, but a blessing.
I can hear that fat lady all the way over hear in okla. will she ever shut up and leave us alone?
Henry, I feel the same way. It’s just easier to stay at home, and frankly, I don’t know if I’m capable of a good relationship, or if I’d know a good man if I tripped over one.
I’m not really depressed, just resigned.