We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Persephne7,
“Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!” Whew… my first ex, N/S told me (I was 22), “What I like about you is that you are afraid of everything, but you will do it anyway.” He had me at noticing me.
Sadly, I perceived his keen insight, awareness and perception to be keen insight, awarness, and perception for the good. They are brilliant people, are they not?
Skylar,
Honey, I’m a Christian, and have discovered in the past 4.5 years, if it weren’t my anger at God through all of this, I’d have no faith at all. My anger at God (perceived abandonment of me) was the only evidence of my faith. And, I hung onto it like a security blanket.
God can handle it. He’s experienced at humans being angry at Him. Let Him know just how upset you are. He will love your honesty. He will give you signs of His thumbprint in your life.
Hmmmm? my post say it’s 2:24.. but my clock says 12:24. Life just keeps getting curiouser, and curiouser….
Skylar,
As for the reading, reading, reading…. I’m with ya sister. Exactly right. Even if nobody understands, gets it, or validates… educate yourself. Period.
Lostnsand,
I read your post about your desire to go after this guy and what motivates you not to do so is that you know he was going to tell you how well he is doing. With me something similar happened. After some months with no contact, he appeared at my job. The last time I had seen him he was using drugs again, had lost his job and had no money. Like after 3 months he appeared at my job with an expensive car. I saw the car from the window, but didn’t talk to him personally. He came in the reception and asked to call me since I work on the first floor. He invited me to have lunch. I said yes, but when he appeared I wasn’t there. At that time I was still suffering and longing to see him.Do you know why I didn’t want to talk to him? Because I knew he hadn’t come to say I’m sorry, to pay what he owed me…he came just to show off. To tell me how well he was doing, that he had found a great woman, that he was earning a lot of money and when he could he would pay everything he owed me. Conclusion: I was going to feel worse. It was not going to be a productive talk. Later he e-mailed me saying that that was his car. He couldn’t afford to buy a car like that and he hadn’t had enough time to work to make the money to buy it. So, even wanting to see him, I controled myself because I knew he hadn’t come to apologize or come back. After that day I cried, suffered, I really wanted to have seen him, but never regreted because I was sure he was going to make me feel bad. It’s been 2 years since we broke up and never met again. I think time heals, but 2 things were essential to my understanding and healing: find this blog…so reading about it and knowing they have this profile and knowing your are not guilty neither responsible for anything that happened…that he is gonna do the same thing to other women over and over again makes you feel better and gives you comfort..and the second thing, as I already told, I took some medication that helped so much to get throught this…believe me…medicine is there to help us…As others said, I agree we have to spend our time working and keeping ourselves busy…but for me it was hard even to work or try to entertain myself…with this medication I took it relieved my anxiety and my mind was clearer to think and to do the things I had to do in order to feel better. I felt really better. And after some months I quit the medication cause I was feeling much better.
Lostandsad,
I read another post of you and what he did to you is so similar to what my ex did to me. I supported him for a while and when he started to earn money he was so mean to me..whenever he had to spend money with me he was unconfortable and angry, like I was using his money…and I had suported him when he had no job. He got cruel and treated me like shit. And blamed me for everything, like your ex did…exactly the same profile. But I’m gonna tell you something. What goes around, comes around. When we just broke off, I was feeling like you…I didn’t know he was using drugs again and thought he was working…and thought he had found a woman (that was true) and together they were going to have a wonderful life. Since this woman was his boss, I thought they were going to be partners and make a lot of money together and I was there suffering for what he did…bulshit……don’t think like this…you may think he is good now but wait and see…this kind of people are evil…nothing good can come to them…you said he gambles…the first woman he finds that can support him he will do the same thing…he will lose his job…he’s the kind of people who can deceive bosses, co-workers and women, but sooner or later his mask will fall…and as I said, what goes around comes around…God’s law never fails…what you do comes back to you…you gave love…everything good is gonna come back to you…he was evil…he can get nothing good. It’s an illusion you think he’s ok. He may be ok now but his vibration, his energy is the worst one can have. You will suffer for some time his physical presence and miss the person you created in your mind. I sufferd a lot too because I thought I had found my soulmate. This illusion is the worst to get rid of. I still think about him, but not with the same intensity. You had an experience, and it was so intense that you may never forget it. But one day you won’t suffer anymore like now. Sometimes I still have bad memories and feel sad. But not like the begging, and it is normal, thought terrible I know. I hope my experience can help you. Be patient and trust god. If you can, seek professional help, a therapist or doctor..they will know what to do to help you. After a storm comes a calm. Be patient.
I read something very interesting. Follows below.
“The other fact is that we were dealing with something we didn’t understand. The sociopathic strategy for predation begins with deliberately disabling other people’s self-protective responses. They do it in order to exploit other people’s social feelings, personal resources and dignity, all to fill incurable deficiencies in their characters and lives. They mask themselves as attractive people we would like to know. Until they show their predatory intentions, we are dealing with an actor playing a role. The fact that we didn’t understand is also human.
We have reason to feel sad for ourselves. Something bad happened to us. We didn’t see it coming. We didn’t know what it was. We didn’t know how to protect ourselves. We didn’t know how to get out of it when it got painful. Every bit of it, including our saying yes to it and the emotional addiction that kept us attached, was not our choice. We never would have chosen it, if we understood what was really going on. Grasping the truth that a bad thing that happened to us, rather blaming it on ourselves, is a major part of healing.
To get out of denial, we may have to find the courage to ignore other people’s opinions or embedded ideas about who we “should” be. If we think we “should have been” stronger or smarter, we’re still in denial about our human vulnerability. With other people, we may have to reject with dignity any idea that this is a minor event, that we don’t have the right to take our time healing, and that we were not victimized.
Taking care of ourselves in this way speeds our recovery of self-trust. In our lives, we own the knowledge that this was a major trauma in our lives, and that it is our responsibility to ourselves to fully heal, no matter what it takes, or how long”
Well I can’t afford a therapist…so I’ll have to make due…
But here are a couple of more questions for all of you?
1) Many of you write that it isn’t us it’s them…. But is it really? Aren’t we fucked up for letting this happen? For going along with all of their fucked up plans; all their shit?
2) What comes around goes around… I have heard this one SOOO many times… I used to believe in Karma…. but then I thought…. WTF did I do to deserve this? If Karma is real — then WHY did so many bad things happen to me — I was only trying to be a nice loving person…
I always used to have pretty good luck at life and yes I think most of it was luck… Things always just “happened” for me… I never had to plan or work uber hard. I’m not saying I didn’t work but things weren’t hard… Then I met this guy and everything went wrong in the last 2 and half years I feel like I have been deconstructed. I sit here…and can’t believe what a fool I was. I KNEW what kind of person he was, I knew he was a cheater, a liar, a gambler, a user, BUT the perception or rather the guy he could pretend to be…kept me entranced…HOW can we be so stupid? What’s wrong in US?
I often compare him to a drug… I’m not an addictive person at least not to alcohol, drugs, or anything typical….but I FEEL like I was (am — don’t really know which one is true) addicted to him.
I remember when he’d go out and I KNEW he was with another women. I’d feel miserable, I’d be so upset pissed, angry…I’d resolve to end it…to walk away…throw him out…then he’d walk in the door and the anger and hate would fade and I’d feel safe (how sick is that…) I’d be like it’s ok…he came home to me… (HA HA HA — yeah ‘cuz I did his laundry, fixed dinner, paid for everything up until I lost my job…).
I KNOW he’ll just go on and use the next women — it’s so much easier for him than working — but more than that — I think it’s the only time he feels is when he is ‘playing’ with someone else’s feelings. It’s like they are conductors of our emotions and they know exactly how to play us…to make us feel good, bad, hurt, passion or whatever it is that they WANT us to feel but it’s all so they can feel or rather watch feelings…
I don’t know why we keep on with them. I used to think my life had no sense without him, and after some time we met he told me about his criminal past, his bad behaviour, but I was so excited by everything he was that I closed my eyes. And when he was cheating on me I couldn’t believe it, because I had no proofs, and when it was clear I decided to close my eyes and accept that, because it was more painful for me to lose him than to accept the cheating. Since then I have read some things about why women continue with their abbusive partners, and there a lot out there, and there are some explanations for this that I don’t remember and to be honest it doesn’t matter so much to me now, but one thinkgI can tell you, you know that, they know how to control you.
And you said it is not about us….for sure there’s something in us that they like, or something about them we like. There must be an explanation, but I never regreted I was a fool, because they are so intelligent and manipulative that almost every single or married woman would fall for him. So it’s about us too, but everybody is vulnerable at some point. For me there’s a little to be with self-steem, a lot to be with the emptiness Ox Drover commented about.
Overcoming: beautiful posts, so right, so right.
lostnsad :Reread what Henry said about the empty hole we all have had –
these people are a gift to us to work on ourselves – but don’t do it while
you’re upset about the why or the fairness. We all did it, we all have had
prior reasons for attracting this kind of person and relationship but the
door’s open now for you to be glad you can heal. Even if it’s like you just got ‘the shot’ and it hurts like hell.
thinking of you, sending you much love in my thoughts. Off to work, wrote an email to old friend last night who ‘gets’ all this and me and
she sent such a wonderful reply – if you can’t afford therapist, do you
have anyone else you can connect with in addition to being here who
can offer more comfort to you in way of listening?