We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Hey guys, just checking in with the “emotional blackmail update”! Previously referred-to teenage high-school dropout has changed her mind. She’ll be back in school Monday. Good job, right?
Nope.
No more of this crap. I believe it’s called “emotional blackmail”: Threaten self-destructive behavior but frame it as victimhood, wait for concerned/panicked response, complain about response to repeat cycle of victimhood. For example: Say you’ve dropped out of high school, wait for concerned adult to say that’s dumb, claim that as a violation of dignity, selfhood, right to one’s own feelings, a crime against sensitive vampires, blah blah blah. Score extra points for doing more damage to oneself than to the concerned adult, and that’s good for pity points down the road when you suddenly realize you lost the opportunity to go to college. Oops.
Poor thing. It worked with threats of: financial ruin (overdraft fees, maxxing out credit card), child abuse (hitting by father and initial refusal to move out to grandma’s), incest (inappropriate relationship with brother), and self-immolation (dangerous tongue-piercing, mysterious accident with foot to nix basketball scholarship). But now — after the best threat of all, and without warning! — it doesn’t work anymore. What’s left to threaten? Suicide? Join the Moonies? What’s a kid to do?
A sociopath in training?
Let’s just say, I’m stupid at first but a quick study. It’s why they call us grownups. We know stuff.
Lifeboat ethics: Throw the kid over the side.
persephone7 no I don’t really have anyone else to talk to… He did a good job of removing everyone and everything from my life. The few people that are left… I try not to discuss this… Don’t need to scare them away too… lol
But what I REALLY need is my job back… I had a GREAT career and now nothing… and the hard part is that getting a great job is all about WHO YOU KNOW — and now… I know so few people and the people that could have helped — cut me out of their lives. Hence, I’m at a loss of where to begin…
Sistersister,
In the book, “The Art of Selfishness” by David Seabury, he writes that you can’t ever convince someone not to do evil by telling them that it’s evil. The only way to convince someone not to do something is by convincing them that it’s stupid.
People don’t mind doing something bad, but no one wants to look like a foolish clown.
I’m sure you already told her that its stupid, but you have to frame it as “looking foolish” to others her age. She doesn’t mind ruining her life, as you said, she can then use it as part of the pity ploy. But EGO is where you can target these people. They don’t like to be laughed at or made to feel like a clown. THAT’S how you convince them.
I’ve broken my NC and spoke with my exP. I told him all about his sociopathy and how it is a case of emotionally arrested development. I told him he is a 3-year old child and I pointed to him that he isn’t unique. He’s all “been there done that” PREDICTABLE.
It really got to him. I could tell he was extremely unnerved. Since then he has collected himself and is back at trying to to be tough and threaten and rage, but for a moment, I pierced the skin and wounded him. I hope it gets infected.
lost,
you asked the million dollar question in #1.
It’s us AND them. We weren’t ready for the predator because we didn’t know it existed. They weren’t “playing by the rules” they cheated. But what we have to acknowledge is that, there are always going to be people who don’t play by the rules. They lie. Good, now we know. Thank God. We need to spread the word and make sure people know.
That’s why I’m concerned about people who don’t want to tell their kids that their father is a P. By the children not knowing they are being set up to be N-supply. When they grow up and meet a P, it will seem normal to them, they won’t run away because it’s what they are used to. I understand that you need to be careful what you say, but I would insist that my kids read certain books, such as the one Henry mentioned, Meaning from Madness, or “Why is it always about you?” or “the sociopath next door”. Even if they don’t completely get it right now, they can keep the book and understand later. This is like a little innoculation.
Question #2, why did this happen to me? So you could learn something you needed to know and learn it VERY VERY WELL. It will protect you in the future.
About luck, YES, THAT WAS ME. I seemed very lucky and things came very easily for me. I wonder how many others here felt that same way before they met the P? Maybe that gave us the air of confidence that attracted the P. They really like things to be easy for them so they look for n-supplies that will give them that. I’m not sure what it was that brought all the luck, or if I still have it.
About your feelings of missing him, etc..
My feelings for my P are greatly diminishing now that I see him as a mythological creature living in a mythological land. That’s just a two-dimensional person and you shouldn’t waste your emotions on a cartoon character, no matter how well drawn or animated it might be.
Wow this is all so crazy… I remember as a kid seeing my mom have to ask my dad for money and I remember swearing to myself that I would never be dependent on a man for anything… little did I realize that men can prey on women like this man did to me…. And what my friends don’t understand is why I didn’t leave when I knew what a liar he was…but they just didn’t see how good he was at twisting every lie into something that was just about believable.
This topic does not get enough discussion…they prepare us for the men who want to use you for sex…they don’t prepare you for the men who just want to eat your soul…
Yep, I inadvertently made the teenager look stupid in front of her best friend — by calling that friend and asking if she knew what was going on and if there was any way either of us could persuade her to go back to school. She was right next to her friend at the time. “Don’t talk about me behind my back!” she said, grabbing the phone. Too damn bad. I’ll talk about her all I want.
I guess I aced the teenager self-image game, huh? Or does she look better in front of her best friend for standing up to me?
But I smoked out the game. She had already changed her mind, was going back to school. (A glance at Facebook reveals excuses for poor attendance this semester anyway, so it’s hardly a victory.) She creates temporary crises. But she loses more things than she realizes, this time, trips to two colleges. If she makes it look as if she tried hard before she failed, she can claim it wasn’t her fault. I let her do that!
Sorry, kind of wandering off-topic, but I think it’s relevant to enabling con artists and not evicting them from your brain. A lot of teenagers are good at this kind of manipulation, and they’re too cute to leave for dead. “Throw the kid over the side” isn’t a warm, fuzzy emotion I can be proud of in my struggle to “control my thoughts.”
Maybe one of the experts here can write a blog about teenagers-in-training for a life of sociopathy.
sistersister,
You have company in that regard, there’s a few people here who have had to go No Contact on their own children. And then there are those of us with the N-S-P parents too. They come in all shapes and sizes. It was very compassionate of you to take on a teenager that needed help, but maybe by age 13, it’s already too late.
I can no longer look at the human race as I once did. Between the Ns that I personally know and the ones on the news each night, I’ve lost hope for humanity
Here i am in Florida. We have yet another dead child on our hands! This has happened so much her in the last couple of years, it’s unbelievable. Casey, Kaylee, the little girl who was sexually assaulted by a woman,(can’t remember her name) Jacee Dugard. We, here, in Florida, have been holding our breath about this little girl, Sommer Thompson. They’ve found her body in a land fill in Georgia. Our news-casters are choking -up. Every one is so hurting over this seven year old.
I can’t even find the words…………….
How can this keep happening? What kind of a world do we live in?
Kim, I finished reading Violence and the Sacred and although it was difficult to understand it all, the parts I did get, were profound. It described patterns that I can now super-impose on the violence I see around me. It’s frightening because I can percieve an escalation.
One of those patterns is the reason I found the book and ordered it from the library. I have percieved for many years that my xP’s hatred for his mother is the reason that he hated me and all women. I was supposed to be the surrogate victim because he can’t kill his mother. Ted Bundy also hated his mother because she had been a prostitute.
What I recently found out, is that my xP’s grandfather, Harry, (his dad’s dad) lived with them for years. Even when they moved, the grandpa would move with them. He was an alcoholic and would verbally abuse xP’s mom horrifically. xP’s dad did nothing to stop it. Both xP and his mom told me about this. But when he wasn’t drunk, he would give the xP chocolate bars. I think he was “grooming” him, creating a confusion in xP’s brain because he showed 2 sides (the evil alcoholic and the nice old grandpa with candybars). I think this was how he slimed my xP into becoming just like him and hating all women.
The more people come in contact with abusers, the worse it gets because they spread their slime. We just have to keep doing everything we can to prevent it whenever there’s an opportunity. Stop the slime.
Skylar… I find your post about your ex and his grandpa intriguing. My ex also hates his mom…she was a drug addict (I think she even did stuff while she was pregnant with him and I personally think that is why he is mentally under developed) and he was raised by his grandfather. However, his grandfather was loving and kind. He used to tell me how his grandfather was and how he was sorry that he treated his grandfather so poorly. I think he really did love his grandfather he just didn’t know how to show it. I remember one argument we had and I told my ex that his grandfather would be sad to see the man he turned out to be and that he wouldn’t love the person he had become. It was the one time he cried that I think was real.
I think those old sayings are so true:
1) If a man doesn’t love his mom; he’ll never love you
2) TRUST your instinct; when I first met my ex I thought he was really good looking, but something felt off… I just pushed my feelings aside
3) Once a cheater….always a cheater…
4) LISTEN to your man…if he says he is incapable of love… RUN!!
lol — god I laugh and cry all at once….
I just want a job again so I can feel like a productive human being again… Put all this crap behind me and only use men for sex… (I joke…)