We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
iwas wondering if we had to sum up why we go back time and time again to the sa and the bad treatment what would it be. Is there really a simple answer or is it more complicated. i’ve been asked this question like there should be an answer . love kindheart
Kindheart, IMO, it’s because we become addicted to them. Our brains give off bonding chemicals when we are sexual with these masked monsters. We become addicted to the endorphins, and just like any addiction, our tolerance increases, and it takes more and more contact to get our fix. At the same time we suffer more and more of the consequences, and yet we tolerate these consequences, simply because we ARE addicted.
That is why, I so often say to treat it like an addiction.
Take it one day at a time, and seek the help of a higher power. The 12 steps have been enormously helpful for me.
Thats my take on it.
kindheart 48,
…An addict can be in recovery and go back out..No matter how much “better” their life seems after a period of recovery.
I have been told by countless adicts over the years….That they are all “chasing” after that first high. Trying to get it back. (OR illusion of that first high).
I think this is similar to a relationship with a S/P. Chasing that illusion that you fell in love with for from the start.
KimF
Wow,
kim I think we were posting at the same time…But essentually said the same thing.
I agree with what kim says. However I sincerely believe (with reason to believe) that the p was drugging me and therefore when he left my subconscious new my withdrawals were going away when he returned. So his return seemed a good thing until he was back for a day and I realized the devil was back.
Sorry about the run on sentence and misspellings. I just wrote so quick to get my thought out. Good night lovefraud, you’re all in my prayers!
skylar,
I think that my son being ADHD has managed to keep me in “confusion” for a good portion of the time that I have been trying to come to conclusions about just what IS wrong….
From the very first post I made here and even before I came here, I have admitted that I believe in my heart that he has more than one illness/disorder going on with him. It has always been difficult to define just where one leaves off and the other begins.
The fact that I do see more than one thing going on just adds to the crazymaking that he seems able to create over everyone, especially me.
His ADHD is not the hyper active it is the inattentive. Unorganized, low focus, inability to retain simple information, loosing things, inability to prepare, easily distracted, has trouble with task that require attention to detail and even has trouble remembering (or focusing?) on a two part instruction sentence.
Such as if I would have said “don’t forget your book bag and lunch money” as he was running out the door for school.
I COULD bet money on the fact that he would have left one or the other behind.
Maybe this is a bad example, because he hates school so much but it is just an EXAMPLE.
He has lost his phone countless times (this is his lifeline) or forgets to charge it more often than NOT. Even though this would be something he would consider very “important”.
His ADHD is so bad it definately has a major impact on his ability to perform in daily life. Yet he chooses not to use any of the tools that have been given to him to make his life easier.
He denies that he has ADHD with the same vigor that he argued with his doctor when he was diagnosed with allergies.
Possibly the biggest difference between your nephew and my son is you said he “trained himself” to overcome his problem.
Before he could do this he had to admit or realize that he DID have a problem. My son would never do this. He doesn’t have ANY problems.
Including something simple like allergies. Even the doctor isn’t “smarter” than my son. That’s pretty grandious for a 15(his age at the time) year old, don’t you think?
It goes back to that mind set. If he says it it isn’t so it isn’t so.
witsend, my heart goes out to you because your son is causing you so much pain. I feel like the solution is right on the edge, but just out of reach. Maybe it seems that way because, as you said, they have to admit that they have a problem. Even though it is a simple first step, it is one that they refuse to take.
I don’t know how my sister got her son to focus on taking charge of his life. He continued having problems staying focused in college and he almost lost some of his scholarship. But his dad is a terrible asshole and he may have focused soley to spite his dad. One thing that he did in college and still continues to do except for church functions, is that he isolates himself. He has no friends. He doesn’t want any because he’s so focused on saving money and being successful that he doesn’t want any distractions. I think that he might fall under the category of schizoid personality, because this is not normal at all for a 23 year old.
Although narcissism very obviously runs in my family, my sister, his mom, is not an N. she is almost a saint. She wanted to be a nun when she was little, then a doctor, and she settled for being a math teacher. And she’s extremely good at it. But even being the oldest, she is not very well liked by my P-parents. Their favorite is the P-baby-daughter. It is their greatest fear that her P-husband will kill her one day to collect life insurance. That P-husband, I’m positive, was a trojan horse sent by my xP to marry my stupid P-sister. Here’s the irony: my P-parents, KNEW that my xP was only with me for my money 25 years ago. And they didn’t tell me (they overheard him telling another guy) until just this year. They didn’t care what happened to me, they were glad to think that I would be used and discarded when my money ran out, but now they know that what they did by keeping this secret, put their favorite P-daughter’s life in danger and there is nothing that they can do about it. She wouldn’t believe them if they told her.
I don’t know how I got off on that subject, but I guess I’m trying to say that, these family dynamics are completely unpredictable. The only thing you can do is your very best to submit your will to God because only He can know our future.
skylar,
I know what you mean. I OFTEN think that there must be something (a solution) that is right there in front of me and I am missing it. Maybe I am grasping at all the WRONG things and missing what is right in front of my face. Something simple yet a major piece of the puzzle.
I have also entertained the idea that maybe his ADHD is so high on the spectrum scale that maybe I am dealing with only one disorder and it is just spilling over so bad into every aspect of his life that I am blindsided by this.
Maybe the reason I don’t see other parents struggling with these other issues I am dealing with even though their kids also have this disability is because they are lower on the spectrum scale.
But then reality kind of sets in. And I think of the big picture. And how it has been the hardest thing in my life to even admit the possibility that my son has been manifesting a personality disorder. I think it would be EASIER to be in denial about it (as moms often do) than to try and come face to face with the possibility. Denial seems to me to be the softer, easier way to go.
witsend,
my xP doesn’t show the signs of adhd at all. He figured out how to teach himself to fly a helicopter, play guitar, weld, learn CAD, fix cars. He just didn’t want to submit to authority in the process. He wanted to do it in his own way.
This is what might be considered a more successful P. He can’t barely read or write but he can do some things very well. He just hated school because of the authority figures in it. Have you ever read The Catcher in the Rye? It might have some insights for you.