We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Way to go, Star, Im so thrilled for you! great news re your condo!! Its all the way up to the stars from now on, girl!!
have a glass of champagne on me! Love and {{{HUGS!!!}}} gem. XXX
I know exactly how you feel. I feel bad for you because constantly thinking about him when you don’t want to and feeling like you can’t stop makes me frustrated, aggravated, angry. I also have feelings of intense regret and self loathing for ever getting involved with him in the first place. It is not easy. It has only been 8 months for me, but it feels like it never ended. The nice people who wrote back to me told me to change my though, replace the thought of him with a positive thought. Again, I know it is difficult. I annony the few friends I have because during the course of my day, his name ALWAYS comes up by ME and they are tired of hearing it. I too, tell them that I can’t help it and I feel out of control, and believe me, I totally understand the exhaustion – mentally and physically. I suffer from severe depression some days and it would be a lot easier if I could go to sleep and wake up in heaven. You have children, which must make it difficult for you to focus on them when all these memories of him are clogging your mind. I don’t know what to say except what was said to me: change your thought, focus on something pretty such as your children, call a friend, say a prayer. I don’t know what your religioius beliefs are, but most times all I can say is “God help me please” over and over again. I also speak the Name of Jesus because there is power in his name and I try to bring all my thoughts into captivity, give them to Jesus, speak his name over the situation and ask God for help. Sometimes it works for me and sometimes it doesn’t – and sometimes I don’t even want to try. I wrote to Lovefraud the first time because I thought I was going to lose my mind, and sometimes I still do. I get very overwhelmed. My ex lives 7 door away from me and every single day if I choose to force myself out from underneath the covers and go out; I see him or her, and I always see her Lexus parked there day and night. Even though I really did not want him anymore and I wanted to be free because of so many destructive reasons; he was like a drug and I kept going back and I wanted to know why and how to stop it. I’ve learned a lot from this site and the people are supportive. After reading some of the articles, I stopped hating myself, a little less. Somedays I feel I’ve conquered this fear of going out and seeing the “lovebirds” togehter or the intense desire to beat him to a pulp and so much more. I’ve tried to tell her what he is like, others have done the same. I’ve left emails, notes and letters on her car, which were all written while he was cheating on me with her. I want him to hurt. I want him to feel the pain, but he never will, he has no feelings of remorese, only feelings of wanting to possess, have a woman or girl there with him all the time, possess her and use her for everything he could. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he goes elsewhere. It has been 10 months since he moved her in. I heard from a few of his “friends” that they are having a lot of trouble, she does not love him, she already knows the truth, etc……….., but she is still there, still living with him, still treating me like an idiot, trying to intimidate me and make fun everytime I tell her what he is doing to me. At least 1-2 times a week, sometimes more, stometimes, I don’t even know about, he comes by my apt., knocks on my door, calls out my name, whistles his stupid, I love you, I miss you song and lately, he has been singing songs to me, which is new. He called me from his “private name” phone. I didn’t know who had that number, but I had a suspicion inside of me (because I know him so well) that it was him especially the next day when he was in front of my bedroom window whistling the same old “If I could turn back the hands of time” song. The next day I was in a store and he came in. He looked at me and, for the first time, he looked afraid of me (after 5 years). Me, big mouth, who should have said nothing at all had to say something to him. He ignored me, told me to have a nice life. He was in front of me going to where we live. Honest to God, I never saw him try to get home so fast before. He is afraid of me and he is afraid of her. She is not like me. She is rough and she doesn’t take no s_________, but she still sleeps there and that burns me up so much because I don’t want him to have anymone. He always gets someone and I always end up alone. I called that number the same time and she answered the phone like a maid and said, the __________’s residence. What a joke. I almost dropped dead. She played a little head game with me before she finally talked in her regular voice and told me it was her. I told her how he called and I wanted it to stop. She yelled out to him, B___, it’s that woman Debbie and she said you called her and she wants you to stop! Then she told said, “maybe he misses you.” Sometimes I think she is as stupid as him! This morning he came by and woke me up again. I am so sick of him, her and my entire life when i was involved in that abusive relationship of my life. I’ve tried to move since I got involved with him, but I haven’t found anything I could afford. They go out a lot, go places we never went and he spends a lot of money on her. Everyone who knows the both of them (and can’t stand him) all told me she is stayiing for the money. So…I understand the racing, “uncontrollable” thouights about him and the sex – all of it and I do wish that my mind would not be filled with him and that I would stop dreaming of him being abusive, vicious sexual, and in one of his “loving” nice moods. I hate it all and I hate seeing them togehter and her car there – even if they are getting along. He told me and everyone who woudl listen that I was the love of his life for 5 years until the day he FINALLY left once he knew she was hooked and he wouldn’t be alone. He calls her that and everything else he called me. He is driving every body crazy because he doesn’t shut up about her just like he didn’t shut up about me. He is still possessive, extrememely jealous, paranoid, delusional and think all his friends and any other man he wants to blame, are all having sex with her, just the same way he thought and did with me! I HATE ALL OF THIS AND IT EXHAUSTS ME SO BADLY THAT I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GET OUT OF BED MOST DAYS AND THE THOUGHTS OF GETTING OUT OF BED, IN THE SHOWER, DRESSED, ETC…OVERWHELM ME AND I ACTUALLY DREAD ALL OF IT AND I AM FIGHTING AND FIGHTING THOUGHTS OF HIM, HER AND HIM, HIM AND I, etc……………………My thoughts and heart are with you. It is 4 months so give yourself time and treat yourself good even if you don’t think you deserve it because you too. Spend more time with your children, friends, and family. Find something you like to do. This will help distract you. Get a women’s daily meditation book with helpful stories from women and men who were where you are, read everything you can on this site that will help you recover. Change the thoughts. Replace them. See him as a big baby with a diaper on – one person here told me that – he is a big baby and he can’t be alone!!! Make a list of pros and cons. I’m sure if you really think about it, there will be more cons about him and pros for you. You don’t need him to make it in life. I know how you feel. It is scary and you want him back and you don’t want to be alone ever and, and, and………….I know and I wish I didn’t, because it hurts. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Don’t lose your hope. It will get better, but it’s going to take time. All the nice people here will support you, they will be your friends and listen, not judge, offer help as to how they recovered. You will make it and you can. I don’t like to cry because I feel so alone when I do, but I have to tell you, that when I do cry, I feel relieved. You are not alone although you feel you are. Cry if you have to, don’t be araid, call out to God and He will be there and comfort you. You will make it. You’ll see that even though you are thinkining about hime 24/7, it will get less and less everyday. god Bless.
Stargazer,
Bravo!!!!!… there most definately is a God. In His infinate wisdeom he leads us to the edge of ourselves and then shows us the thumbprint of His existance in our lives. Give Him praise, gratitude and consideration for the close call miracle that brings you such an abunance of joy.
Whewww weeee… ::grins:: I’m excited for you.
please excuse my spelling… I am writing without my glasses, and not using MS Word to spell check.. ::eeeek::
Thanks everyone! Spelling no problem, Isabell! I have been trying to deal with Citimortgage for a year now. A year!!! EB, the process takes a really really long time, so be patient. If you have time constraints like I did, call them several times a day and demand to speak to the right person. It took about 25 calls to 15 different people in a week to get through to the right negotiator. He was so very nice though. I told him he was my hero, and I could feel his head swelling. Did I mention he is single, close to my age, and says he takes good care of himself?
Henry, I LOVE your idea. ROF!!!!! You could say there is a sociopath that accidentally climbed into the balloon. And, funny, no one would care about rescuing him!
Isabell,
I really wish I had such a strong faith like you do.
the night before the loan mod came through, I was at a cocktail reception. There was a tarot reader there, and I got a reading from her. I asked her what to do about the mortgage. My choices at the time were to pay back the 6-months of no payments to prevent my credit from being ruined, or taking a chance on a loan mod and ruining my credit. She told me I should do the “right” thing and pay them back. She said she saw things really looking up for me financially next year and that I would have a boyfriend. She said the problem was that I did not trust. (and why should I? I’ve had a lifetime of betrayal and abandonment). I know she didn’t tell everyone this because she told the person before me that they would have financial problems next year.
So I was all prepared to do the “right” thing and pay back Citimortgage and be broke and struggling again, back to where I started. Then the call came in from them, like a light in the tunnel. I couldn’t believe it.
Alicia, you wrote some wonderful advise in your post. So you ARE getting stronger. If possible, go to a doctor and describe your feelings of trouble getting out of bed, etc. Don’t put on a smiley show for the doctor, let them see your pain and hopefully they will give you an antidepressant. I didn’t want to take one but it really helped me. You will probably need at least 6 months for your brain chemicals to get straightened out.
And you know….NC. If he is coming singing at your window, call the cops. He is stalking you with that behavior.
Change your cell phone etc. Make it impossible for him to contact you. Never call his latest victim again. She is toxic, he is toxic and any further contact, positive or negative, will HURT you. That is what an expensive, excellent psychiatrist told me and it took me a long time to put into practice, but that is the only cure.
Good luck, and keep posting.
Stargazer….such a wonderful feeling to be out from under that, no? GREAT!
Hi Superstar:
I’m also in mortgage trouble and I have been out of work since July. I contacted my mortgage company and they are working on a modification. I hope I have as good luck as you. Pray for me!
Wonderwoman, banks are wheeling and dealing. They will do anything to prevent a foreclosure because that is very costly for them.
JAH, I’m still ridiculously upside down and don’t have a great monthly payment. I was hoping for better. But I have a place to live and I don’t have to worry about having to move for a while. The best part is getting to keep the cash in the bank without wrecking my credit. That alone was worth the wait. They basically handed me about $5300.