We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
What I am realizing is that I let this man into my life. So I am responsible. In my gut, I felt things wrong … but for some reason, I overlooked them and let him do his con. I never was totally hooked in but I was. I bought his illusions. So I am responsible. I bought his dream because he believed it. I saw through it but I went with it. I was suspicious but I went with it. What did I get out of it? A temporary feeling that it might work out. That the picture that he painted ‘might’ work out. It was living in a partial non-reality. I am to blame for that for not protecting me. I need to totally protect me, get my needs met, hold to what I want, hold to my standards and not to let them down. I let them down with this man when I bought his con. He was everything that I didn’t want, too many children, no money, no stability, all talk. I bought his talk.. that was my fault. I betrayed me. When I took me back, he knew that it his con was over. At least, I got out of it. That is the deal here.. I got out of his con and he is still living it and will pull another woman into his dream and illusion and his con. His last wife died. He married her in a month, turned on her fast, and I never quite understood why and she overdosed on percriptions. At least, this is what he says.. then six months later he is after me.. He couldn’t afford to get a divorce from this woman.. and he is asking me to marry him three weeks after dating. Sick Sick Sick.. a stupid life.. It felt off and stupid the whole time.. yet I believed him instead of myself. That is the question.
But I didn’t marry him. I got him out of my house, out of my life.. and all I am dealing with now are memories of the dream. I am lucky. I am healed. I will not get into this again. I will listen to myself. I was with someone that I didn’t want. He is gone and I am sad.. How STUPID is THAT?
style1,
It’s not stupid at all. The love and bonding we experienced with our exes was very real. And there is no way around grieving. Lucky for all of us, time is on our side. You took the most important step–getting him out of your life. It takes longer to get him out of your heart. But it will happen in time. I’m looking back from the other side of it. I have no feelings left for him, and it feels great. You will be there too.
Hugs,
Star
What I meant is stupid on my part. In that, I wasn’t all that interested in the first place..I just let him lead me into it = stupid.. and in doing that now, I am feeling left from a person that I didn’t really want in the first place = stupid. I became more aware from this experience which = emotionally intelligent..
I am not saying that grieving and saddess are stupid..
In my thinking, I am realizing that they tell us exactly what we what to hear.. compliments are their main stay and who doesn’t like hearing compliments. I have never heard “I love you.” You are beautiful.” Your eyes, they have this light in them, etc. blah! blah.. blah.. ” Also, he commented how we are alike in that we are mannerly and if you will upper-class.. so that makes us alike… LOL.. then one time when I didn’t respond “You’re welcome” To his ‘thank you’ after I did his laundry .. he ranted and raved that I was rude, had no manners and what? was I raised in a barn!
My upbringing was exemplory and his was contrived..
Then I after reading these posts I had the awareness that he was trying to actually take my connection to God be made over by what he wanted… this was major for me… thank you all for that…
When he met me I was ‘perfect’ according to him.. when it was over I was wrong… LOLLOL and the things I was wrong about were only things that weren’t in his window of perfection…
He is sooo twisted….
Why would I, am I missing this? I think to do so is emotional stupidity.. something lacking in me just now.. and I will heal and figure it out…
How did you know, though, that he would turn out to be a sociopath? That is the reason I never felt stupid for making bad decisions with my ex. There were some things that were odd about him and different, but I thought those were good things. I would never have guessed he was a pathological liar. I actually had a good feeling about him in my gut. That’s why I felt so betrayed. He really fooled me. I sat around scratching my head for a long time trying to put the story together.
Style1, sounds like in your case you didn’t listen to your gut. I still don’t think it makes you stupid, only human. Now you know the consequences of not listening to your intuition. What a hard lesson.
BTW, this is for wonderwoman,
Wonderwoman,
When applying for a loan mod, make sure you show a positive balance at the end of the month. A lot of banks will turn you down if you show a deficit. I think that’s why I got denied the first time I applied.
Star,
Exactly, I didn’t listen to my gut. I did in a way… as a friend points out, that I wasn’t totally taken in.. I was in the process of moving into a new house when I met him.. so my focus was elsewhere.. then his mother got ill.. it was like a whirlwind and I let myself get caught up in it. BUT that is no excuse. It just gave him the upper hand and he took it. If I met him now, I wouldn’t go past the third date. there were several times, that I wanted to pull away but didn’t. In fact, a friend told me that the whole time, I was saying. THis is too fast. I don’t know about this.. etc.. and I was.. yet when he was back in town on the weekends.. I was in it or rather, we did things, kept busy. I kicked him out of my house repeatedly and finally he left… So yes, I did not listen to myself.. and I am ashamed for not doing so. And I am suffering now for not doing soo.. it is not horrible.. but I miss the interaction and the attention.. I have never had so much attention and interaction.. it was like he attached himself to me like a parasite.. I liked it then I didn’t. I realize that he needs to be constantly attached to either me, his children or some ‘big business deal or working.. he is continuallly talking talking talking.. moving, spinning….
Style1
“trying to actually take my connection to God” I don’t know that you mean what I mean, but I felt like he was trying to come between me and God, to take him out of my life and to even use my connection as his own. In other words, if I was saved then what that meant to him was he owned my salvation and…he was now the saved one and I could not be because he took it for himself…?
I never really liked him, from the beginning he did and said things that were assaulting to my spirit. My gut said ew, get away. My mind said I had no business being judgemental and whatever. Yet everytime he left I missed him or something, I thought it was stupid too. But like stargazer said its knowing the consequences of not listening to our intuition.
I’ll say this though the p never told me nice things, once he knew he had me he only made complaints. I was too skinny, to fat, too short, too tall, my hair was too short, too long, too straight too curly. My chest was too big, then too small.
Why was it again that I thought I loved or missed him?
In my case, I have a strong connection to God. I am a Christian.. he was trying to get me more into Buddhism and to read what he read and I didn’t want to. He behaved like he had all the answers.. he referred to himself as a Guru. He wanted to be my god.. he wanted to be my reference. I just got this fully today.. and I always felt creeped out by the way he talked all the time about his beliefs.. He can have them.. but they are not mine.
heavenbound.. yes exactly, what are you missing.. it sounds horrible all his criticism.. why miss that?
That was my point also.. it’s stupid to miss him.. so why am I?
It’s missing the illusion, the lie, the dream.. when you focus on the reality.. they is not much to miss.