We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Style,
It seems like you have a very strong sense of yourself and a strong faith and that saved you from an even worse catastrophe with him. I admire that. The one thing my affair with the sociopath has in common yours is that I remember thinking to myself “this is happening too quickly.” I kept trying to slow it down. But at the same time I wanted it to be real. I just thought he was a man who knew what he wanted and he wanted me. This was refreshing after the aloof guy I’d been with for several years. It was nice to be pursued. That is where I stopped listening to my guy. I believed him when he sold me the fantasy of “real” love. My gut was saying “it’s too soon.”
I meant to say “listening to my gut” not “my guy”. lol
Star,
Yes.. I read that it feels good to not have to wait for a phone call.. with my guy, he called, made contact all the time.. so I was never left wondering.. and that felt nice in ways.. but I think it also ‘thankfully’ stopped me from loving him. I felt suffacated. I felt that he possessed my every moment. I recall in the first weeks, I had just gotten on the ellipitical to workout and he called and I answered. And he began yakking with no regard that I was wanting to workout. I yelled, “Can’t I have a minute alone?”
Looking back I realize that is how I really felt and I should’ve honored that instead of apologizing.
But yeah it feels good in ways to not have to wonder if he likes you to be hearing it all the time.
I think that it is a balance.. listen to your gut… do your own life.. and to not stop and change things for them.. That is what he got me to do.. not totally but I became a slave tothe phone and I don’t even like to talk on the phone all that much. My neck even hurt from walking around with a phone to my ear while doing things. The whole thing was stupid.. and I was stupid for not listening to my gut.. I knew.. I just chose to belief him over me.
Well said, style. I remember one night my ex S came over. We had very few visits because he was allegedly tied up in a divorce/army drama. During this visit, I was showing him a new song I was learning on my guitar. He seemed very distracted. The distraction was his agenda to have sex with me. He did not seem interested in enjoying a nice evening with me unless it involved sex. There seemed to be an urgency to it. All of his visits were like this.
Style1 (and All),
Wow, thanks for your posts. The descriptions of your reactions are so much like my experience… I had reservations from the very first date. He pulled the idealize, devalue, and discard the first time we went out. Just a ‘tight’ little cycle of it. Already testing my boundaries. And given I didn’t really know ‘what’ he was, I assumed some insecurity on his part, and figured I give him a chance to show me what he was made of.
Interestingly I ended it with him. When I saw what a giant bullshitting fake he was. All the classic signs of n/p. Though, again, I still didn’t know what this was. Even so, I told him he could never be what I wanted and that he had a real unhealthy relationship to himself and to others.
I never allowed him to contact me again. Changed all emails, phone #’s, etc….But boy have I had to go through a GIANT growing/greiving process. This experience was The One that finally opened my eyes to several other folks I have been involved with…. my mom/grandmother/grandfather. Lots of childhood stuff.
I had gotten divorced from a lovely man less than two years before, and hadn’t given myself enough time to grieve, and ended up dating two predators. In my past I dated at least 3-6 of these men, very short term. Always ending it, but never AVOIDING getting involved at all. I was attracted to the excitement/psuedo-strength of these folks.
Now I know. I am sure I could still be fooled. But by and large I spot these folks really quickly now. It will be interesting to see how I do once I start dating again– If my urge to merge will shortcircuit my ability to suss them out.
The first predator (after my divorce) lasted just a few months. With a similar ‘disinterest’ from me. I didn’t completely fall in, but I didn’t cut it off at the first sign of abuse. I questioned his behavior and I ended it pretty quickly. But, for me, I think I was desperate to have the ’emptiness’ filled from the loss of my longterm relationship. AND, I truly didn’t know what a personality disorder was. Though my gut/emotions told me to run for the hills, I thought my mind had to be on board before I could really just cut someone off. Otherwise I believed I was being impulsive and intolerant of others’ shortcomings. The Nice Girl Syndrome at work!
BUT, I think the first experience further set me up for the second guy. Between the under-processed grief of my divorce, the shock of the first n/p, I was even more vulnerable when this guy came along.
I too feel like I was emotionally/intuitively ‘stupid’. So, I understand what you mean by that, and that it isn’t necessarily a put down to yourself. For me it is like a self-inflicted knock on my noggin’ to say ‘WAKE UP’, and use the tools that I have. I ignored my gut feelings too. And they were working great, in both cases. I knew. I just knew that I was on a collision course.
Same thing with the incessant calling. 10 times a day. Always wanting to know that he was on my mind. It was REALLY annoying. But, like you, there was also something about all the ‘attention’ and the flattery and ‘talk’, that eventually had me ‘trying’ to work it out with him, for the possibility he could be rehabilitated into someone worth having around.
I love what you said about being a slave to the phone. And, I got conditioned to respond to it, to avoid the inevitable criticism and threats of abandonment that came with not answering or setting boundaries on its use.
That’s something that is so interesting to me. How I could be conditioned, like Pavlov’s dog, to step in line. Even when I wasn’t all that into the guy. And in the end I still cried and asked for what I wanted, and hoped he would ‘come through’. Now I think this was nothing to do with him and everything to do with my own patterns of attachment and abandonment.
Unfortunately the end result was ZERO rehabilitation, and some zapping of my financial resources, alot of chaos and confusion, and me feeling like a complete dunce for not having listened to myself. It is a wonder to me, now, that I let him in at all.
Glad to have you here…..
style1 – It is good that your recognize the loss you feel is abnormal. You know it was the dream, the illusion, the lie’s that you miss, and not him. It took me a very long time to ‘even out’ emotionally. I knew something abnormal was going on with me, why would I miss such a nitemare of a person? Being involved with a sociopath is a real trip…
I too struggle with the constant thoughts of him that consume just about every minute of my free time. I’ve been lucky in my life to have never have lost anyone close to me, but this is the closest thing I can equate to a death. It’s undeniably heat breaking, the recovery is painful and slow, and all I’m left with are memories. The good ones hurt just as much as the bad. I have days where I long for him, crave him, miss him… I Wonder what he’s doing, who he’s moved onto, does he ever think of me? why did he do what he did to me? will I ever stop thinking about him? I know everyone says, “time heals everything” but right now, every sinlge place I go, every song I hear, looking at my bed where we made love, certain food, TV shows……it just never stops. There are constant reminders everywhere. I know it gets easier, but there are days when I wake up and never stop thinking about HIM. And I find the agony of trying to fall asleep is the worst part of it. My brain can’t shut off, and when it does, he haunts me in my dreams, only to leave me waking up thinking about him once again. It’s like even though we don’t have contact he still controls and manipulates my brain. I’m tired of crying for him, tired of feeling sad and lonely, tired of feeling numb and dead, so I have found educating myself reminds me why I know this is the best choice for me, venting on this webiste (even though I’m new, REALLY HELPS) spending time with friends, I even went back to school to get a degree. I figured I’d rather be doing homework than spend time obsessing over him, and it does work! I got a gym membership, because the best revenge is if god forbid I do happen to run into him, that I will look amazing and he won’t be allowed to touch me. I even got a puppy! I’m trying to only surround myself with positive people, hobbies and thoughts. And certain days it works, others I just have to be strong and know that tomorrow is another day. I’ll share some song lyrics that have become my mantra….
Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say NO
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you You had to burn
Pain’s a sign that there’s something wrong
I pray to God that it won’t take long
There’s nothing left to lose
There’s no more heart to bruise
There’s no greater power than
the POWER OF GOODBYE.
These words counldn’t be more true for me. I hope these words can offer the same sollace they have given me.
Of all the ways to lose someone death can be the kindest. Amber when I first found this website and started posting, someone said “Henry, this is a Life Lesson dont fail it.” So Amber “This is a Life lesson – dont fail it.”
Thank you henry. I know it’s a life lesson and I’m doing my best to understand why me? What am I supposed to learn from this? But most importantly how do I move on and be me again? Some days I just don’t know if it’s possible to ever feel whole again, but I’m trying my best. Thank you.
amber, that is wonderful that you have gone back to school, joined a gym, got a puppy!! I have to learn from your example! I need things to keep me busy, my part time job is ending in a few weeks and already I get so depressed and bored being home so much. Thank you for posting the lyrics to the song, I really like it a lot.